Hi Everyone,
22 year old daughter went into treatment out of town back in July then immediately into sober living and intensive outpatient treatment. She hit 6 months sober the week before Christmas and was doing fine. She came home for Christmas and we had a great time. She was positive and happy to see everyone. Then it happened...
December 26th at 6am I hear her car start and I get a text from her saying she wanted to get on the road back to sober living because she had work that evening. I immediately got that gnawing feeling that something was up. Before I could run out on the porch to try and at least tell her goodbye she was gone.
The 27th and 28th were uncharacteristically quiet because she usually calls or texts my husband and I several times a day. No response to our calls or texts. I was filled with dread.
Finally I text her and said I was concerned for her safety. She finally responded with Im fine Mom. She then said that she was going to be honest and said she had never gone back home. I knew it!
I told her to call her sober house director and her sponsor and begged her to go back home. She said she was high and needed to clean up before she goes back because she is embarrassed of her relapse. She asked me to let her handle it and figure out her plan of action. I told her I would pray for her. She asked me for money fir gas and food and I refused. I havent heard from her since.
I am so disappointed but I need help getting through my own co dependency.
Before treatment, I gave her money when she would call and say she hadnt eaten in 3 days or needed a hotel room because I was hurting for her and scared of what would happen if I didnt. I know that is not the right thing to do.
How do I turn off my heart and be able to consistently say NO?
We told her when she went into treatment this time that this was our final gift to her. She had to work at it and make her life what she wants. She has now relapsed and we need to stick to our guns for her and us.
I feel strong until she contacts me and starts pouring in the manipulation and sob story. I know its BS but I give in anyway and I want to NOT do that this time.
Suggestions?
Welcome Newbie,
First, you can never "turn off" all the feelings we have. You will always love your addict, wish you could help, worry, etc.... But, as you will read on here, you can't fix them, you have to set appropriate boundaries, and take care of yourself.
I don't know if you are new to this site, new to being a loved one of an addict, or new to reaching out, but.... if you are new to any of this, please read the other threads, and you will see that so many of our stories are similar.
I love my son so much, and would do anything to make him healthy but, I can't. He has to figure it out, and get his life together, or not. Whatever he does will be his choice and will effect his life. But, I, on the other hand, am devastated and torn apart by every bad decision he makes. So, I can continue to let his life effect negatively mine, or I can recognize that as much as I love him, he will make his choice, AND I must make the best decisions for me.
I'm sorry for what you are going through and it sucks.
First, you can never "turn off" all the feelings we have. You will always love your addict, wish you could help, worry, etc.... But, as you will read on here, you can't fix them, you have to set appropriate boundaries, and take care of yourself.
I don't know if you are new to this site, new to being a loved one of an addict, or new to reaching out, but.... if you are new to any of this, please read the other threads, and you will see that so many of our stories are similar.
I love my son so much, and would do anything to make him healthy but, I can't. He has to figure it out, and get his life together, or not. Whatever he does will be his choice and will effect his life. But, I, on the other hand, am devastated and torn apart by every bad decision he makes. So, I can continue to let his life effect negatively mine, or I can recognize that as much as I love him, he will make his choice, AND I must make the best decisions for me.
I'm sorry for what you are going through and it sucks.
Welcome SSM. I think a relapse is not uncommon and by "letting her go to do what she needs to do" actually may lead her back to her sober living if she finds she doesn't want to go back to her 'drug lifestyle'. I myself would only send her a text saying something to the effect..."We will only support you if you make it back to sober living. We love you and care about you and hope you choose the right path. Love, Mom and Dad". Then, I would go back to my life.
Thank you for the welcome.
Im new to relapse, certainly not to addiction. Her DOC is meth. She contacted me today via text and once again said she needs gas money and food and smokes so she can rest up and then head back to sober living. Its a 5 hr trip back there and I think this is just an excuse to get money.
I took your advice and told her we hope she makes the right decision and that we love her. She never responded.
How do you parents go back to your life after that? I want to enjoy my day but interacting with her puts me down. Does it get easier?
Im new to relapse, certainly not to addiction. Her DOC is meth. She contacted me today via text and once again said she needs gas money and food and smokes so she can rest up and then head back to sober living. Its a 5 hr trip back there and I think this is just an excuse to get money.
I took your advice and told her we hope she makes the right decision and that we love her. She never responded.
How do you parents go back to your life after that? I want to enjoy my day but interacting with her puts me down. Does it get easier?
SSM good question. I have been doing this with my daughter for 10 years now...She has been addicted to heroin (IV user) for about 3 years. She has been to numerous detox and rehabs I've lost count. She's great about putting herself in detox and rehab then struggles once she gets out. Doesn't follow the discharge plan and so she found a sober living and lived there 4 months then was kicked out. Wanted to come home I said no...and I love my daughter dearly. She is 25. I have just come to the conclusion she has to do it on her own and I can't live with her. She's very bright and has so much potential and I do think with each experience she is becoming more aware. I think it's important not to let the addiction ruin 2 lives so as best I can I live my life. Every situation is different and the length of time varies and their age and level of functioning. This is just where I'm at and it does vary and is very individual.
I'm sorry you are going through this with your daughter. Its heartbreaking I know.
mama-
I agree that you can never "shut off" your feelings, but you can separate them from "enabling" because of those feelings to "protecting" yourself and your addicted son or daughter. When we cave in because of those feelings we only help them repeat their cycle of addiction by keeping them from figuring things out for themselves and letting them "fall". We also are providing them with money in some form or another to continue their habits, as we lose our financial future and savings and wear ourselves out mentally and emotionally, so we are of no use to ourselves or anyone!
We did this for so many years and now we have a 47 y/o meth addicted son that lives in a dump RV with two dogs, poor health, bad teeth, no job, and only calls us for money. Otherwise, we never hear from him and he never asks how we are and we are elderly parents. He has no friends or family and he has used up everyone including many girlfriends. We have used a lot of our retirement trying to "fix" him with rehabs, counselors, sober living, and on and on. We always thought this would be the one time he would change!
I know how you feel and unfortunately, we can't just stop those maternal feelings, but we can control them for our kid's sake and our own. Nothing else works and percentages of kids that escape drug addiction are in the single digits.
Praying for you and your daughter and all of us dealing with this horrific disease called addiction!
Lori
I agree that you can never "shut off" your feelings, but you can separate them from "enabling" because of those feelings to "protecting" yourself and your addicted son or daughter. When we cave in because of those feelings we only help them repeat their cycle of addiction by keeping them from figuring things out for themselves and letting them "fall". We also are providing them with money in some form or another to continue their habits, as we lose our financial future and savings and wear ourselves out mentally and emotionally, so we are of no use to ourselves or anyone!
We did this for so many years and now we have a 47 y/o meth addicted son that lives in a dump RV with two dogs, poor health, bad teeth, no job, and only calls us for money. Otherwise, we never hear from him and he never asks how we are and we are elderly parents. He has no friends or family and he has used up everyone including many girlfriends. We have used a lot of our retirement trying to "fix" him with rehabs, counselors, sober living, and on and on. We always thought this would be the one time he would change!
I know how you feel and unfortunately, we can't just stop those maternal feelings, but we can control them for our kid's sake and our own. Nothing else works and percentages of kids that escape drug addiction are in the single digits.
Praying for you and your daughter and all of us dealing with this horrific disease called addiction!
Lori
Momma - I'm new here too, but not to addiction. My son is not talking to us right now because we stuck to our bottom line will only tell him he need to seek the best treatment for himself & both his brothers told him the same thing. He called me on the anniversary of my mother's death telling him he couldn't go on, etc. After about 10 days of continued hell, threats, cursing, yelling, sobbing, etc. my husband (his father) said ENOUGH! We aren't doing it again, YOU get help for yourself. He hasn't called since BUT if he does, I will only respond to Are you saying you are getting help? And I have several county behavioral health crisis center addresses & 24/7 phone numbers.
I will never stop worrying, fearing his death, accident, freedom, etc. but I now know my "help" was pure enabling...
I will never stop worrying, fearing his death, accident, freedom, etc. but I now know my "help" was pure enabling...
Hi staying strong mamma, I actually think your daughter did well to get to 5 months sober, she is still young, what we read is that they have to slip to learn and get back on the bike, and start again, my sons doc is meth( horrible drug how can people make this s***) it tears families apart) silly me thought he would never do it, saw what it did to a close friend, how wrong was I! My son went to rehab few years ago basically he had to, did well first year, then I think gradually he has got worse, not sure how often he is using but, all sighns are there, no money or his pay will just last, he never goes out! so try figure that out! Let's hope your daughter learns from this and it has just been a slip stay strong
There is a study out there and I forget the exact numbers (I need to look it up) it gives the average relapse rate for time sober. At 1 year it was 50% and of course 5 years was the lowest like 20%. Its just being sober that long and working their sobriety which is really tough. There are success stories on this sight and I like to read them because it can happen they just need to really really want it.
My sons DOC is Meth. I havent heard from him for 3 months or seen him in over a year. I think he is homeless. I would not give your daughter any money. It is hard and does not get easier. You will have bad days and good days. Just a thought ... if gas is the only thing keeping her from returning to sober living maybe you could drive her back. I know it means you are involved in her problem but at least you know she is back on the right track and it is not as risky as giving her money.
Thanks to everyones supportive words. She has so quickly gotten back to cursing me, blaming me and trying to make me feel sorry for her to get money just days after relapsing. Its as if she never went to recovery at all!
I offered to fill up het car and follow her back in case she needed support along the way and she wont respond. She ignores those words and instead wants money which I refuse to give her.
Im still floored that she could be functioning and clean up to Christmas Day and then throw it all away! She is also Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic Disorder, Depression with mania so that with addiction makes me fear that her future is very bleak or even non existent.
I feel like I am grieving her death. I am fighting with every hour to stay strong and let her make her own choices even if they are unhealthy, she is an adult after all.
I wish you all peace and happiness, thanks for being here.
I offered to fill up het car and follow her back in case she needed support along the way and she wont respond. She ignores those words and instead wants money which I refuse to give her.
Im still floored that she could be functioning and clean up to Christmas Day and then throw it all away! She is also Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic Disorder, Depression with mania so that with addiction makes me fear that her future is very bleak or even non existent.
I feel like I am grieving her death. I am fighting with every hour to stay strong and let her make her own choices even if they are unhealthy, she is an adult after all.
I wish you all peace and happiness, thanks for being here.
My daughter is also relapsing after 5 months. She also has the mental health diagnosis..,schizoaffective ,bipolar. Delusional the whole bit.
Are they really mentaly ill,chicken or the egg question.
She lives in an apartment near me. When she is trying to be clean she shows up at my house. She'll be here for two days then goes back home. She thinks I don't know what she up to.
Are they really mentaly ill,chicken or the egg question.
She lives in an apartment near me. When she is trying to be clean she shows up at my house. She'll be here for two days then goes back home. She thinks I don't know what she up to.
SSM - you just have to stay strong. I was told once that even if you give them $1, that's $1 more they have to spend on drugs. Let the sober living house handle it. It is so hard letting them fail, but we have to. Heart wrenching - ABSOLUTELY! But making it easier for them hasn't worked ever (at least not for us)
This chat room is awesome to be able to see you aren't alone. You do not need to let her curse you or be rude to you. You have only loved her, you deserve more than that. So all us parents who have been in your shoes can tell you YOU DID YOUR BEST!! You did what you thought was right, your daughter chose to use drugs & not seek help & treatment for all her issues.... Hang in there & continue your strength - you need it too
This chat room is awesome to be able to see you aren't alone. You do not need to let her curse you or be rude to you. You have only loved her, you deserve more than that. So all us parents who have been in your shoes can tell you YOU DID YOUR BEST!! You did what you thought was right, your daughter chose to use drugs & not seek help & treatment for all her issues.... Hang in there & continue your strength - you need it too
