Hello
Our story is almost a mirror image of so many others.
We have 4 children. Two are out on their own doing fine & getting on with their lives, our 3rd is 18 & has been our challenge and our 4th is still at home in High School and doing well.
Our 18yr old son has been an addict since about the age of 12-13, when he was in elementary school. It happened gradually & was first introduced to his first drug of choice, weed, by another kid on his soccer team. From that point on things began to spiral.
We would find weed and pipes in his room & would destroy them. We took him to counsellors, psychologists, etc etc with zero change, it only got worse when he hit high school where his poor choices were condoned by peers who were like minded.
He began stealing money from us & his younger sister. He would steal liquor. We would keep our wallets hidden and we got rid of all alcohol in the house (my wife & barely drank anyway).
He resorted to selling his "stuff", games, dvd's etc for drug money. We would take away his privliges, keep destroying his weed & pipes but it just kept escalating. We would also find empty liquor bottles in his backpacks or hidden in his room, and his marks at school were plummeting as he would skip classes and put in zero effort in class.
Throughout all of this we always made our house rules very clear, no drugs, no alcohol, no skipping school etc etc.
Finally about 18 months ago he was given his first suspension for having weed in his locker at school along with a variety of pipes. He said & did the right things to get back in after 3 weeks but we could tell that he didn't care.
Throughout his entire life he never accepted responsibility for anything in his life. It was always someone else's fault. If you tried to introduce reason or common sense into a discussion with him he would tell us to F Off and would get and leave and then give us the "silent treatment" as punishment.
He was becoming increasingly belligerent and disrespectful towards us. He wouldn't help out with household chores and the situation was beginning to become intolerable but there was little that we could do as he was only 16 & according to the laws where we lived we were still responsible for him.
6 months after his suspension he was expelled from school permanently for having drugs in his locker as well as being suspected of selling it to other students.
So now he was home. We told him he had to find employment which he did for 3 months until he got fired for who knows what. During this time he also managed to smash up our car that he was using for work, a crash that was clearly his fault however he blamed everyone else for it.
His drug use continued, we could tell when he was high but his highs had changed. He was obviously doing more than just smoking weed. When his 18th birthday rolled around 6 months after he had been fired he still hadn't found another job but he came into a sizeable inheritance that had to be paid out to him.
He bought a car and his partying & drug use soared to new heights. I did a search of his room and found more drugs and alcohol which I again threw out. His room resembled a crack den. During my "search" I also found his phone which I looked through. As we suspected he was doing and now selling all sorts of drugs, weed, meth, LSD, heroin, crack...everything including drinking cough syrups for a buzz.
We began to plan our strategy in telling him he had to leave. In the interim he obviously knew that I had been in his room so one morning a couple of days later he left a note on the kitchen counter telling us if we ever went into "his" room again he would "burn or f'n house down" and he also slashed the tires on my racing bike as a personal message to me.
That was it. We finally called the police and he was escorted out of our home. He had money and a car so he had the resources to look after himself.
Our daughter took him in to "help out" but,that was short lived as he began doing the same thing at her place. He moved into motels and finally we helped him get an apartment to get settled or so we thought.
In order for him to get the apartment we had to cosign a year lease. We helped him move in...we did all the moving as he was too high to help but we did it anyway just to get his stuff out of our house.
Fast forward 6 months and his entire inheritance is GONE. Not a penny left. His rent is paid until December at which point we will be on the hook for it for the next 7 months. I retired 2 years ago but I've gone back to work so that we can pay for it. We offered rehab for him and he refused...we have offered several times.
He continually sends us emails blaming us for everything that has ever happened in his life. For every bad decision he's made it is our fault. We are the worst parents in the world because it's our fault his money is gone because we kicked him out.
Even during all of this he's hinting that we owe him all of the money that he put up his nose and we should let him come back home.
We are both on the same page that for our sanity and our daughter sanity and our safety there is no way on earth he is ever coming back.
Thanks to our enabling (stupidity) we are stuck paying his rent so he will still have a warm roof over his head until June.
We have told him explicitly that we are not playing the blame game with him nor getting caught up in his guilt tripping. We have told him that if he needs money he had better find a job or apply for welfare.
It hurts beyond belief and not stepping in goes against every parental grain in our bodies but we know it's the right thing to do. When the lease is up we will stop paying and will be letting nature take its course.
We will always love him and support him if he reaches out by pointing him to the resources he need but other than that we are finished. We are tired, exhausted and owe it to ourselves and the rest of our family, especially our remaining daughter to end the circus that has been sucking the life out if us for the past 5 1/2 years.
We now realize that none of this mess is our fault. We did the best that we could but in the end the decisions and choices that got him into this mess were his and only HIS decisions will get him out of it.
We try to stay positive & hope & pray that he will find his way out, however, we know him all too well and realize that getting a knock on the door is also a very real and possible ending for this.
In the last 48 hrs he has been inundating us with texts. He has gone from finger pointing to blaming to shaming to the pity me stage pleading with us to let him come back home because he's clean now and lonely.
He is only 18 and it is breaking our hearts but we are remaining firm in saying no because we know that nothing has changed. He says that he only smokes weed now so we can see that his definition of clean is miles apart from what clean really is. Plus we know that he is short on cash so that might be curbing his appetite for the more expensive cocaine, meth & lsd that he was gobbling like candy.
Although I had to go back to work to pay for his apartment it is emotionally cheaper than ever having him back. We couldn't survive that torture again.
He is only 18 and it is breaking our hearts but we are remaining firm in saying no because we know that nothing has changed. He says that he only smokes weed now so we can see that his definition of clean is miles apart from what clean really is. Plus we know that he is short on cash so that might be curbing his appetite for the more expensive cocaine, meth & lsd that he was gobbling like candy.
Although I had to go back to work to pay for his apartment it is emotionally cheaper than ever having him back. We couldn't survive that torture again.
Welcome Boomer, I am kind of new myself. Sorry you are in this situation. I have been where you are and now my son is mid-thirties with the same problems...no changes in sight. I finally detached recently and am hoping for a miracle. It is hard to know what to do when they are the age of your son. Sounds like he is determined to do what he wants to do so there may be no changing his mind. It is hard to turn them around when they haven't seen the downside. I have a friend that took the tough love approach early and it was very successful. Her daughter got her act together quickly after her family let her suffer the consequences. However there are many on this board, including me, that have tried hard to help their child for years by using various methods and types of encouragement with little success. I have paid rent on two apartments I signed for, deposits on more, and won't do it again. Paid for cars that I didn't intend to pay for and bills that weren't mine. They will say all kinds of things true and untrue when they need you but that changes quickly. When they are back in the house and in a safe environment they feel free to do whatever they want. Learn about manipulative behavior so you can identify it. They know all the tricks to make you feel bad. Just a word of warning...people that use meth are very unpredictable and can become psychotic. I am not sure if that is with continued use over time or it can happen to anyone. My son has used meth and LSD and who knows what else. It causes some brain damage that can be reversed in some cases but takes time in others...sometimes years. If your son says he is hearing or seeing things or goes on and on about something he believes to be true you should distance yourself or call the police if you need to. Things can easily get out of control if someone is using meth. Your son has to decide to quit using the drugs or you will just continue to butt you head against a brick wall and empty your bank account. Do what you think you need to do to maintain a healthy family and don't let yourself be convinced otherwise. It is easy to let a little help turn into enabling which is hard to stop.
Boomer--
Stay strong and don't give in! Believe me as I am one of the longest enablers on this site--my son is 45 and has been an addict since he was 20. Probably even earlier. We always thought each time we "helped" that this would be the one time he would change and get his life straight. We stopped enabling completely and he didn't contact us for 5 months and then text me two days ago that he was sick. My Thanksgiving Day text was-- I haven't eaten in two days. Hope you have a great day!!!
He is a master manipulator and knows how to lay on the guilt. Sad that it took his two educated parents so long to finally figure it out and the people on this site are the reason and have helped us so much!
Stay on here and stay strong. We are all on the same boat and we all want off!
Lori
Stay strong and don't give in! Believe me as I am one of the longest enablers on this site--my son is 45 and has been an addict since he was 20. Probably even earlier. We always thought each time we "helped" that this would be the one time he would change and get his life straight. We stopped enabling completely and he didn't contact us for 5 months and then text me two days ago that he was sick. My Thanksgiving Day text was-- I haven't eaten in two days. Hope you have a great day!!!
He is a master manipulator and knows how to lay on the guilt. Sad that it took his two educated parents so long to finally figure it out and the people on this site are the reason and have helped us so much!
Stay on here and stay strong. We are all on the same boat and we all want off!
Lori
Thank you both.
Every night I look through the photos of our son when he was younger. The mischievous smile with the huge dimples and huge glimmering brown eyes so full of life.
How we long for that child to reappear and I have no doubt that's the result we were hoping for each we helped him or gave him the benefit of the doubt.
He is a master manipulator and he switches his tactics quickly when we shut one down by saying no.
We have no doubt that he is lonely because he has no money left so his junkie friends left him for the next freebie high and he wants the safety of home believing that we'll cave if he says all of the right things.
The problem is what motivated him to contact us in the first place. After we kicked him out there was basically no contact. I heard that he was high all the time and partying and the day we moved him into his apartment he was right out of it. But suddenly his money ran out so it's time to knock on our door and lay the guilt trips on us. Sorry. We predicted this very scenario although it happened sooner than we expected.
We are exhausted. No contact was better than contact at this point. His scathing texts and emails hurt and then topped off with his cries of loneliness and wanting to come home is emotional torture.
But we know from reading the posts here and doing research that we have to keep saying no. He has made no effort in doing any formal rehab as he says he doesn't have a problem and is clean....except that he also told us he "just smokes weed" now. He also said in one of his messages that he " doesn't want responsibilitities any more", he just wants to come home and "be an 18yr old kid again".
After reading that we both looked at each other and said wow, can you imagine if we ever let that back in the house!
He hasn't changed a bit. His lack of accepting any responsibility throughout his life is a major contributing factor to his poor choices and his blaming of everyone else for his problems.
As much as this hurts we know it would pale in comparison to how much we would hurt if we let him back in. We don't trust him to the point where I sleep with a can of mace and a bat nearby in case he decides to break in during the night.
This sure sucks the life out of life and a relationship.
Every night I look through the photos of our son when he was younger. The mischievous smile with the huge dimples and huge glimmering brown eyes so full of life.
How we long for that child to reappear and I have no doubt that's the result we were hoping for each we helped him or gave him the benefit of the doubt.
He is a master manipulator and he switches his tactics quickly when we shut one down by saying no.
We have no doubt that he is lonely because he has no money left so his junkie friends left him for the next freebie high and he wants the safety of home believing that we'll cave if he says all of the right things.
The problem is what motivated him to contact us in the first place. After we kicked him out there was basically no contact. I heard that he was high all the time and partying and the day we moved him into his apartment he was right out of it. But suddenly his money ran out so it's time to knock on our door and lay the guilt trips on us. Sorry. We predicted this very scenario although it happened sooner than we expected.
We are exhausted. No contact was better than contact at this point. His scathing texts and emails hurt and then topped off with his cries of loneliness and wanting to come home is emotional torture.
But we know from reading the posts here and doing research that we have to keep saying no. He has made no effort in doing any formal rehab as he says he doesn't have a problem and is clean....except that he also told us he "just smokes weed" now. He also said in one of his messages that he " doesn't want responsibilitities any more", he just wants to come home and "be an 18yr old kid again".
After reading that we both looked at each other and said wow, can you imagine if we ever let that back in the house!
He hasn't changed a bit. His lack of accepting any responsibility throughout his life is a major contributing factor to his poor choices and his blaming of everyone else for his problems.
As much as this hurts we know it would pale in comparison to how much we would hurt if we let him back in. We don't trust him to the point where I sleep with a can of mace and a bat nearby in case he decides to break in during the night.
This sure sucks the life out of life and a relationship.
boomer - it is a perfect time to detach and let your son know he needs to take care of himself.
Read "What Not To Do" (written by MomNMore) follow it. Think of what to say to your son - before he calls. when he asks for food, tell him to get a job or go to food pantry, etc. Think of what to say before he calls. you will feel better because you will not be at a loss for what to say. you and your wife discuss and tell your son the same thing.
He actually has it easy bc he has the apartment. Do not pay utilities or anything else that he should pay for. It is a good time for you to completely stop enabling. not good that you have to pay for the apartment, but at least he will be out of your house and have a place to sleep - if he does not get evicted. Tell him to go to social services to get food stamps, etc.
my son is 27 and has been struggling w recovery vs relapse for 2 years.
this year he does not have a car, was walking to work. was renting a room with a month to month lease. I refuse to get stuck for car or apartment or anything that is not mine to pay.
we have been thru it too - financially - helping with cars, insurance, student loans, etc.
you and your wife should go to naranon meetings. it does help to give you a plan to follow.
your son is young enough that he could turn this around, but he has to feel the pain of being hungry and realizing it is in his hands, his responsibility as to whether he has food or not.
It is illogical for us enablers. Our addicted kids don't think like us - they think it is normal to call us on the phone and we give them food - transfer money, order take out for them - charge to credit card.... etc.... we train them to do this when we keep doing it....
In my mind, I always thought each "helping" was the last one. "Ok just this last time - things will be better after this - and so on." but then weeks and months go by and I realized we were still doing the same things.. over and over..... sadly, we can not help a little bit, they take advantage, the whole relationship become dysfunctional..... we have to stop helping completely.
we don't want to throw any more money at this problem. If money could fix it - it would have by now...
Read "What Not To Do" (written by MomNMore) follow it. Think of what to say to your son - before he calls. when he asks for food, tell him to get a job or go to food pantry, etc. Think of what to say before he calls. you will feel better because you will not be at a loss for what to say. you and your wife discuss and tell your son the same thing.
He actually has it easy bc he has the apartment. Do not pay utilities or anything else that he should pay for. It is a good time for you to completely stop enabling. not good that you have to pay for the apartment, but at least he will be out of your house and have a place to sleep - if he does not get evicted. Tell him to go to social services to get food stamps, etc.
my son is 27 and has been struggling w recovery vs relapse for 2 years.
this year he does not have a car, was walking to work. was renting a room with a month to month lease. I refuse to get stuck for car or apartment or anything that is not mine to pay.
we have been thru it too - financially - helping with cars, insurance, student loans, etc.
you and your wife should go to naranon meetings. it does help to give you a plan to follow.
your son is young enough that he could turn this around, but he has to feel the pain of being hungry and realizing it is in his hands, his responsibility as to whether he has food or not.
It is illogical for us enablers. Our addicted kids don't think like us - they think it is normal to call us on the phone and we give them food - transfer money, order take out for them - charge to credit card.... etc.... we train them to do this when we keep doing it....
In my mind, I always thought each "helping" was the last one. "Ok just this last time - things will be better after this - and so on." but then weeks and months go by and I realized we were still doing the same things.. over and over..... sadly, we can not help a little bit, they take advantage, the whole relationship become dysfunctional..... we have to stop helping completely.
we don't want to throw any more money at this problem. If money could fix it - it would have by now...
Maybe that's what you should try to do, get him evicted!! Get someone to call the landlord and tell him that his apartment is being used as a drug hangout. I'm sure it probably is too. When my daughter at that age had a lot of money from a car accident she had every drug addict in the area at her place. I'd tell the landlord that it's turned into a flop house. Why should you have to go work to keep a roof over his head? But first go see if you can get a restraining order to keep him away from your house because of what he's threatened to do in the past and what he's done. I think how your handling this is good. I wish I had been quick enough to see how wrong I was enabling mine. The more you help them the more you help them to stay addicted. All the nastiness he throws at you is the drugs talking. Good luck to you Boomer. Mary
boomer - well said -- you hit all of the points. we had trouble sleeping, or waking in the middle of the night, going to work and having difficulty concentrating, trying to be normal. trying not to talk to anyone about it. crying in the car.... and on and on. every thought goes through a filter that includes the addicted kid.....
feeling guilty that every other part of our life went on hold. even our younger daughter who is still at home and going to college. good thing she stayed on track - we could hardly pay attention!
we avoided friends and neighbors, and argued with each other more than we wanted to.
Good Luck - it is scary at times - and always sad.
we do have hope but we understand that we can not give what he should be able to do for himself. our son need to feel the responsibility for working, and budgeting and paying for his stuff and learning to make good decisions. he will then feel the rewards of accomplishing things for himself. both are things he has not experience because of his drug use.
feeling guilty that every other part of our life went on hold. even our younger daughter who is still at home and going to college. good thing she stayed on track - we could hardly pay attention!
we avoided friends and neighbors, and argued with each other more than we wanted to.
Good Luck - it is scary at times - and always sad.
we do have hope but we understand that we can not give what he should be able to do for himself. our son need to feel the responsibility for working, and budgeting and paying for his stuff and learning to make good decisions. he will then feel the rewards of accomplishing things for himself. both are things he has not experience because of his drug use.
Turn off your phone....set your boundaries. ..then follow through. ..if we sense your wavering. ..we will not give up...go away or find the way out on our own...
Narcotics Anonymous will help him when he's ready
Nar-Anon will help you if you let it.
His best thinking got him where he is - your best thinking got you here.
You both need help and it is readily available for free at NA and Nar-Anon.
The changes that you need to make are yours, not his.
And the true changes we have to make are more spiritual than intellectual.
All the best.
Bob R
Nar-Anon will help you if you let it.
His best thinking got him where he is - your best thinking got you here.
You both need help and it is readily available for free at NA and Nar-Anon.
The changes that you need to make are yours, not his.
And the true changes we have to make are more spiritual than intellectual.
All the best.
Bob R
thanks Con and PB..... (I need to be less wordy!!! Ugh)
I would definately talk to the landlord. You are responsible for what happens to the apartment. I would start there.....Im not sure what the laws are . What happens if someone ODs there? I would see if landlord can find a new tenant or at least change the locks and evict your son. Nothing good can come from him living rent free....normally what will happen is that he will be having all sorts of drug addicts...dealers...holing up there as a place to use...sell ...so he can get high free.
Yup, the 'best thinking' thing is SO true...my best thinking...pffffft...not worth much back in the day.
Boomer, you are doing great...really...just great. You have gotten there pretty early on and cutting him loose sooner rather than later is good for all concerned. The sooner he has to really face the consequences of his actions, the better.
You hang in there and take care of yourself and the rest of your family.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Boomer, you are doing great...really...just great. You have gotten there pretty early on and cutting him loose sooner rather than later is good for all concerned. The sooner he has to really face the consequences of his actions, the better.
You hang in there and take care of yourself and the rest of your family.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Thank you everyone for your words of support and advice. It def helps for those moments when we begin to doubt what we are doing.
Yesterday his non stop emails and texts stopped after we both told him there was no way he was ever coming home as it wouldn't be healthy or helpful for any of us. We told him flat out that it was his drug use and his poor decisions, choices over the past 5 years that got him to this point and that other than supporting him in doing the "right thing" there was nothing else that we can do for him. We also told him that if he needs money or bus passes he had better find a job or apply for welfare. Told him there was a food bank nearby his place if he needed groceries..
He still has a car....well what's left of a car but he doesn't have any money left for gas. He also has charges coming up that he can't pay to challenge in court or pay what no doubt will be hefty fines so his license will no doubt be suspended soon as well. When that happens his insurance with triple at least so that will end his ability to drive for the next 5 years.
There is a great rehab facility not far from here with a very good success rate. It is however very long an intense (1 year) but we told him that is where he needs to go.
Besides the counselling he needs he can complete High School and take College/University Courses or even begin a trade. They teach them how to capitalize on the strengths they have to become employable in what has become a very competitive job market.
They limit all of their outside contacts to family only and they can earn weekend passes for day visits after 90 days. No cell phones and computers are only for studying school. The admission requirement is quite involved as they don't want anyone who is not committed. It isn't a money grab and they want and demand success....one screw up and you're kicked out. Their philosophy is that you were already given too many "chances" and that by being accepted into their program was the one and only chance you will have with them. Your choice. Get with the program or get out.
We know he's not there yet but we hope and pray he will be soon before it's too late.
The property management company isn't too helpful. They have a high vacancy rate at the moment and are more concerned with revenue at the moment. They said they would watch but reminded us that we are on the hook for the remainder of the lease.
It's kind of interesting in that last night my wife and I spoke to each other in depth about this and realized that we had both become angry. Not at each other but with him.
Angry that he created this situation for himself and us.
Angry in that he has taken advantage of us....and angry at ourselves for letting him do it.
Angry that he has taken a life full of advantages and opportunities that many don't have and so far has flushed them.
Angry that he never embraced his God given talents....he could pick up and play any instrument, his drawings/sketches, photography and writing abilities are incredible.
He wasn't raised this way. None of our children were raised this way.
So for the time being we'll have to wait and see what happens. We are getting ourselves prepared for the next shoe to drop as we know there will be another one. We hope and pray that we don't get a knock at the door but realize that it is a very real possibility.
It sucks especially so close to Christmas as our family always enjoyed our times together during the holidays. This year there's another dynamic at play so we'll just have to make the best of it. We are going to reach out to our son and tell him he is invited but if he isn't sober then he isn't welcome.
Again thank you everyone. This site is a lifeline, a reality check and helps to put us at ease with our decisions.
Yesterday his non stop emails and texts stopped after we both told him there was no way he was ever coming home as it wouldn't be healthy or helpful for any of us. We told him flat out that it was his drug use and his poor decisions, choices over the past 5 years that got him to this point and that other than supporting him in doing the "right thing" there was nothing else that we can do for him. We also told him that if he needs money or bus passes he had better find a job or apply for welfare. Told him there was a food bank nearby his place if he needed groceries..
He still has a car....well what's left of a car but he doesn't have any money left for gas. He also has charges coming up that he can't pay to challenge in court or pay what no doubt will be hefty fines so his license will no doubt be suspended soon as well. When that happens his insurance with triple at least so that will end his ability to drive for the next 5 years.
There is a great rehab facility not far from here with a very good success rate. It is however very long an intense (1 year) but we told him that is where he needs to go.
Besides the counselling he needs he can complete High School and take College/University Courses or even begin a trade. They teach them how to capitalize on the strengths they have to become employable in what has become a very competitive job market.
They limit all of their outside contacts to family only and they can earn weekend passes for day visits after 90 days. No cell phones and computers are only for studying school. The admission requirement is quite involved as they don't want anyone who is not committed. It isn't a money grab and they want and demand success....one screw up and you're kicked out. Their philosophy is that you were already given too many "chances" and that by being accepted into their program was the one and only chance you will have with them. Your choice. Get with the program or get out.
We know he's not there yet but we hope and pray he will be soon before it's too late.
The property management company isn't too helpful. They have a high vacancy rate at the moment and are more concerned with revenue at the moment. They said they would watch but reminded us that we are on the hook for the remainder of the lease.
It's kind of interesting in that last night my wife and I spoke to each other in depth about this and realized that we had both become angry. Not at each other but with him.
Angry that he created this situation for himself and us.
Angry in that he has taken advantage of us....and angry at ourselves for letting him do it.
Angry that he has taken a life full of advantages and opportunities that many don't have and so far has flushed them.
Angry that he never embraced his God given talents....he could pick up and play any instrument, his drawings/sketches, photography and writing abilities are incredible.
He wasn't raised this way. None of our children were raised this way.
So for the time being we'll have to wait and see what happens. We are getting ourselves prepared for the next shoe to drop as we know there will be another one. We hope and pray that we don't get a knock at the door but realize that it is a very real possibility.
It sucks especially so close to Christmas as our family always enjoyed our times together during the holidays. This year there's another dynamic at play so we'll just have to make the best of it. We are going to reach out to our son and tell him he is invited but if he isn't sober then he isn't welcome.
Again thank you everyone. This site is a lifeline, a reality check and helps to put us at ease with our decisions.
May I gently ask...if you invite him for Christmas with the caveat he has to be clean...how will you tell if he is ? Or if he isn't ? I certainly would deny it if I was asked and I could get home for Christmas. ..probably show up somewhat in between fixs so I'd appear clean...then use in the house later...there's no way we can stay clean for the entire day...especially if it's a holiday and we're dealing with family dynamics.....if you want him there..and you know he's still using...then be real. ..we don't detox in a day.....don't set both of you up for failure..and drama
Yes, that is very true isn't it.
It appears that we have some more discussions Today.
Thank you!
It appears that we have some more discussions Today.
Thank you!
Hang in there Boomer...keep the faith. I just have to keep reminding myself of my other kids. They deserve better than to watch their drug addicted alcoholic brother ruin his life.
Amen. Thank you for that. We have 3 other children that are doing so incredibly well to concentrate on and enjoy their successes.
Whew - 5 years! You have given enough! You have all the right information to give him. Do not waiver. At this point you are able to sleep at night. He needs to figure this out. my husband and I would end up yelling at each other about our son's situation. Our son had college, good job, car, everything he needed to succeed. Over the past two years he has lost everything.
he has been at his sister's home for the past month. He recently said he wakes up angry every day that all he has is a bag of clothes on the floor. he has not had a car for over a year. and we are not getting sucked in on that one either. (that's the only thing he holds over us - that we wont help him with a vehicle - so he can find a better job -- he has wrecked 3 cars!)
A year ago a week before Christmas he was homeless - all of his belongings locked in condo that he could not access. far away from us, but in warm weather he could sleep outside. maybe someone let him in on Christmas day.... he was in rehab by Jan 1st. we let him live on the street until he said he had 'enough' and he agreed to go to rehab. It was a good program, but he did not stay long enough, and thought he could do it himself without support after 5 months..... nope..he could not stay clean.. it is sad, but he needs to wallow in it long enough to feel the pain and understand that only he can change it. he needs to depend on himself.
that is a global thought - everyone needs to depend on themselves, become self sustainable, stop depending on dr's and government, etc to dictate our welfare.
I'm giving examples - so you all stay strong - when you weaken you will be on the hook for something else before you can blink - all under the disguise of 'helping'. As you have seen, it does not end, until YOU put a stop to it.
Good Luck everyone!
he has been at his sister's home for the past month. He recently said he wakes up angry every day that all he has is a bag of clothes on the floor. he has not had a car for over a year. and we are not getting sucked in on that one either. (that's the only thing he holds over us - that we wont help him with a vehicle - so he can find a better job -- he has wrecked 3 cars!)
A year ago a week before Christmas he was homeless - all of his belongings locked in condo that he could not access. far away from us, but in warm weather he could sleep outside. maybe someone let him in on Christmas day.... he was in rehab by Jan 1st. we let him live on the street until he said he had 'enough' and he agreed to go to rehab. It was a good program, but he did not stay long enough, and thought he could do it himself without support after 5 months..... nope..he could not stay clean.. it is sad, but he needs to wallow in it long enough to feel the pain and understand that only he can change it. he needs to depend on himself.
that is a global thought - everyone needs to depend on themselves, become self sustainable, stop depending on dr's and government, etc to dictate our welfare.
I'm giving examples - so you all stay strong - when you weaken you will be on the hook for something else before you can blink - all under the disguise of 'helping'. As you have seen, it does not end, until YOU put a stop to it.
Good Luck everyone!
What Con says is so true! I think him coming for Christmas will probably cause an atmosphere. Him with the chip on his shoulder and your other kids resentment of him being there. Anything you buy him will mean nothing to him unless he can sell it and if you give him money he will buy drugs with it. Doesn't matter where or how many advantages a kid has growing up. Whether he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth or a muddy boot if he is going to do drugs, he's going to do drugs! It's an epidemic. They can act like their sober when around us so well. It's hard to tell sometimes if their high. My daughter for example has dark brown almost black eyes and to see her pupils looking like pin holes is very hard. It's usually the needle marks that give the show away. But gosh my daughter use to shoot up between her toes. There is a common expression on here..1) you didn't cause this 2) you can't control it. 3) you can't cure it! He needs to be the one to fix him and if he wants drugs more than a clean life then there's absolutely nothing you can say or do to make him clean. I feel for you because it's Hell living with this worry. Decide what your going to do and stick to your guns. It's hard I know but helping him just makes it comfortable for him to prolong the addiction.My daughter was 17 yrs old as a heroin addict I fought tooth and nail to get her off drugs. Nothing worked! She's 34yrs old now and just a year ago I quit enabling, now I am beginning to see a little progress in her. Good luck. Mary
