Hello everybody out there. I've never written on this board before, or any other for that matter, although I have visited and read other people's messages in this particular forum a few times. I want to say, to anyone who may be reading this, that I am who I am, and I'm in the situation I'm in at my own particular phase of this whole mess, and I just hope I'm not going to offend, or upset anybody by saying, that, while I am here to try to get some help, or at least some insight from other people's experiences, I am an opiate addict who is still using.
I'm afraid that that may anger some of you who are clean, and may have been clean for a long time, but I know that all of us have been at this point for at least one time or another. But I see that most of you here are just so positve and helpful, that I hope I have come to the right place.
For me, my addiction, which I guess has been on-going for about 4-5 years, has been the closest guarded secret I've ever had in my life. It's been an exhausting, terrifying and extremely shameful thing I've been hiding from almost everyone I know and care about for so long, that this place just seems like I can at least maybe lighten the load a little by just talking about some stuff.
I'm addicted to hydrocodone...preferrably the 10 mills., and on a good day, (which is really a bad day) I could easily take 25-30 pills without even a thought as to what I'm doing to my body.
But I have some friends who have been doing this right along with me, who lately have found the courage and the strenght to try to get clean, and so I'm trying to do so myself. I know it's not going to happen 4 me because THEY are ready to quit, but at least my eyes are slowly opening to the facts that I'm killing myself slowly, and that sooner or later....I HAVE to stop.
I have been tapering myself off...going days at a time without the pills, but I always go back to them. I have been experiencing withdrawls as soon as 1 day without the pills in my system. I haven't gone longer than 4 days w/out them, and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack...it was like taking speed, smoking crack, and drinking 15 pots of coffee all at once. The worst feeling I ever had in my life.
I said I'm still using, and that's true. When I don't "take' for a few days, and I get that anxious out of my mind feeling, I always have to go back and take the pills just to feel normal again. I just want to know if this is even considered trying to stop. When I take em again, I'm not taking them like I used to, to get as HIGH as I could and just enjoy the ride....now I have to take them so I don't end up in the emrgency room with a nervous break down. Have you felt this way before? is this the way it was for all of you? Any of you?
I really just needed to talk today. I have people in my life that I can discuss these things with, but because I DO still take them, I feel like a fraud, and I just don't feel like I SHOULD try to talk to them about it all.
I don't know what I think is really going to happen in my situation. I want to quit...and I REALLY am trying, but yet I kind of think I'm just trying to convince myself that I want to quit. Cuz I'm still taking them. Has anyone been HERE before?
Hello, Welcome to the Board. I just read your post and I think that you are alot more like the people here than you think. You do need to make a commitment if you really want to stop. Thats pretty good comming from me, I stopped ct for about 10 weeks, then relapsed, know on day three without. I never tried to taper, you sound like you could if you set your mind to it. One thing I think anybody on this board would agree, is that if you truly want to quit, you need to stay away from your friends that are still taking. As for tappering, if you are taking 20-30 hydro 10s a day, seems like there is a lot of room to start a tapper. Maybe come up with a plan and try to stick to it. Start with a reduced # of pills for say a week, then reduce furthur and so on and so on.
I feel pretty sure that your story will get a lot of people to reply, so read what everyone has to say, there are truly some great folks here with great advise. Good Luck and keep us informed.
I feel pretty sure that your story will get a lot of people to reply, so read what everyone has to say, there are truly some great folks here with great advise. Good Luck and keep us informed.
Welcome to the board. Yes many of us have been in your situation. I am currently clean from vicodin. I never took as many as you but I did use everyday. Don't worry about coming here and still using. Many people come to this board everyday using. When I first joined back in November 2004 I was taking vicodin. I didn't get clean until Feb 2005. Let me ask you do you have a doctor or are you buying them off the street? If you have a doctor maybe he can help you taper off. You could also have someone you trust give you enough to keep you out of withdrawl while you wean down. Have you heard of suboxone? You have been on this rollercoaster for 4-5 years and you are taking a lot of hydro. That may be a good options for you. Have you ever tried meetings, rehab,out-patient treatment etc?
Post as much as you want we are all here to listen.. We all understand what you are going through. Rae( Rachel)
Post as much as you want we are all here to listen.. We all understand what you are going through. Rae( Rachel)
Hi SJ's,
I have to agree with Tryingonmyown here. You need to make a commitment to start somewhere and in a way you did by putting up this post. As far as your still using, that's what these forums are all about. People come here to get help and to get clean. You don't wash your car before taking it to the car-wash. Just keep posting, I think you will find more help than you could ask for here. I am new to this site as well and don't post a lot but I do read a lot of the posts and pay attention to what is working for others. Hang in there SJ's, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Your friend,
Rick
I have to agree with Tryingonmyown here. You need to make a commitment to start somewhere and in a way you did by putting up this post. As far as your still using, that's what these forums are all about. People come here to get help and to get clean. You don't wash your car before taking it to the car-wash. Just keep posting, I think you will find more help than you could ask for here. I am new to this site as well and don't post a lot but I do read a lot of the posts and pay attention to what is working for others. Hang in there SJ's, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Your friend,
Rick
Hello SJ's Girl,
Welcome and I hope that you will find the answers to your questions here. I have to say that taking 25-30 a day is alot, more than I've ever taken but I do know people that take that many and it scares me. Please consider tapering if you feel that you can't quit.
I can't post for long, got to go home, but please stick around and good luck!!
Struggler.
Welcome and I hope that you will find the answers to your questions here. I have to say that taking 25-30 a day is alot, more than I've ever taken but I do know people that take that many and it scares me. Please consider tapering if you feel that you can't quit.
I can't post for long, got to go home, but please stick around and good luck!!
Struggler.
Hi Newbie,
I just started posting a couple of day's ago and I am still taking Vicodin. Your story sounds a lot like mine (except I'm only taking 5 - 6 a day of the 10's) but if you give me time I'm sure I will be there LOL. I am going to start tapering down this week to get off this ride. You need to tell someone that is close to you if you want help. I am just like you . . . I don't know if I really want to stop, but I feel I have to for my husband as well as for my kids. I am going to ask my husband to keep my pills and hand them out to me. I doesn't make much sense to me to give an addict a bottle of pills and ask them to stop taking them slowly. At any rate Welcome to the board and I hope to see you post often.
I just started posting a couple of day's ago and I am still taking Vicodin. Your story sounds a lot like mine (except I'm only taking 5 - 6 a day of the 10's) but if you give me time I'm sure I will be there LOL. I am going to start tapering down this week to get off this ride. You need to tell someone that is close to you if you want help. I am just like you . . . I don't know if I really want to stop, but I feel I have to for my husband as well as for my kids. I am going to ask my husband to keep my pills and hand them out to me. I doesn't make much sense to me to give an addict a bottle of pills and ask them to stop taking them slowly. At any rate Welcome to the board and I hope to see you post often.
SJ. I was taking a little more than that and the only way I could do that is too taper with a Dr. and someone hold them for me. Like everyone says, you have to really want to do it or it's not going to work. I was at the suicidal point and hit rock bottom. That's when I knew. Keep on the board, you will get alot of good advice. Welcome
I READ YOUR POST AND I FELT THE SAME WAY YOU DID FOR MANY YEARS. I HID IT FROM MOST PEOPLE I WAS JUST NORMAL THERE WAS NO MORE HIGHS FOR ME IT WAS JUST TO GET BY SO THAT I DIDNT GET SICK AND START GOING INTO W'D. I FINALLY SAID TO MYSLEF THIS IS ENOUGH I CANT DO THIS TO ME AND MY BODY WHICH IS MY TEMPLE SO I GOT HELP. I AM NOW ON SUBOXONE WHICH WILL LET YOU GET OFF ALL THE OTHER DRUGS AND YOU WILL NOT GO THROUGH WITH DRAWS ONLY FOR THE FIRST 24 HOURS BUT AFTER THAT IT UPWARD AND ONWARD. PLEASE TRY TO FIND A DOCTOR IN YOUR AREA THAT CAN GIVE YOU THIS DRUG OR YOU CAN TRY TO GET BUPERNEX IF THEY WONT GIVE YOU THE SUBOXONE. IF YOU WANT TO EMAIL ME YOU CAN AT LESLISB@AOL.COM
MAY GOD BE WITH YOU
LESLI
MAY GOD BE WITH YOU
LESLI
Welcome SJ'SGirl,im pretty new here too,but already ive gotten alot of amazing advice and insight.Im sure you will too.I wasnt taking as many as you or as long as you but i presume its all the same except our tolerances and the damage to our bodies.But the addiction is the same,the feelings,hopelessness,desperation,and all those other wonderful feelings are the same.Im just starting my 5th week clean and life is getting better.Like the others say,you've got to want it,and if not now,then when you are 100% ready.Tapering didnt work for me,but i agree,with the amount you have been taking tapering first would really ease the discomfort some.Come here each day and read how others are doing it,when you're ready,we will all be here!~KIM
HI,
I guess I'll put my 2 cents worth in. If you search "Charlie2" and look at my first post, I was in the same boat as you are in except I was taking up to 10 a day (10's) Anyway, I quit c/t, flushed 'em down the toilet, only had one supplier and told him no more! So there I was April 3rd scared to death of the unknown. When I quit I was not preparred, I just quit. I thought it would last 3-4 days, boy was I wrong. I did not know about the Restless leg kicking in, not sleeping (roaming around the house all night) It was horrible, but I had NO cravings for the drug. I did get sick as a dog, day 5 & 6 were the worst for me.
I'm now over 5 weeks clean and don't have any cravings, I think about them occasionally but really have forgotten what it feels like as I was like you, I stopped feeling and just took them to keep the w/d's away. What a waste!!!
I think if I had it to do over again, I would have found a Dr, not my regular, and confessed. Get some Klonipin for the anxiety, B6 and B12 for energy and the Restless leg, advil (RLegg) flu medicine.. Oh, if your able to take a prescription sleeping pill without abusing it, Ambien.
I did go to such a Dr after 2 weeks of restless sleeping (hardly any at all) she gave me the Ambien, 2 weeks later, I only took 10 of the Ambien, I told her I didn't want anything addicting and she gave me the Klonipiin, except mine is spelled with a "C" OH yeah, I'm also taking magnesium for the Rlegg thing too.
Be ready to excercise and I found orange juice, the full of pulp kind, very nice! I peed all the time!
Some folks complain of diarhea but I never had that.
Oh, just to let you know, mine was a complete secret, I had the flu.
I'm feeling much better now, on the other side. I still have a little anxiety when I lay down in the evenings to watch tv but it's not too bad.
Now, I have gained about 7 lbs and eat everything in sight! I'm almost ready to start trying to control it as I figured I needed all the vitamins I could get in my system, and I got a LOT!!!
I'm sure I left out some things, Seems like your taking a lot but I'm no expert, I thought I was at the top of the list with about 8-10 a day. At $7 a pill, it was pretty expensive! I sure am saving a lot of $$$ these days, plus life is SOOOOO much better! No planning around the pills, stressing when you get low, running out and not wanting too (that was horrible!)
I wish you luck in this, be sure and pray, it really helps!!!
Charlie
I guess I'll put my 2 cents worth in. If you search "Charlie2" and look at my first post, I was in the same boat as you are in except I was taking up to 10 a day (10's) Anyway, I quit c/t, flushed 'em down the toilet, only had one supplier and told him no more! So there I was April 3rd scared to death of the unknown. When I quit I was not preparred, I just quit. I thought it would last 3-4 days, boy was I wrong. I did not know about the Restless leg kicking in, not sleeping (roaming around the house all night) It was horrible, but I had NO cravings for the drug. I did get sick as a dog, day 5 & 6 were the worst for me.
I'm now over 5 weeks clean and don't have any cravings, I think about them occasionally but really have forgotten what it feels like as I was like you, I stopped feeling and just took them to keep the w/d's away. What a waste!!!
I think if I had it to do over again, I would have found a Dr, not my regular, and confessed. Get some Klonipin for the anxiety, B6 and B12 for energy and the Restless leg, advil (RLegg) flu medicine.. Oh, if your able to take a prescription sleeping pill without abusing it, Ambien.
I did go to such a Dr after 2 weeks of restless sleeping (hardly any at all) she gave me the Ambien, 2 weeks later, I only took 10 of the Ambien, I told her I didn't want anything addicting and she gave me the Klonipiin, except mine is spelled with a "C" OH yeah, I'm also taking magnesium for the Rlegg thing too.
Be ready to excercise and I found orange juice, the full of pulp kind, very nice! I peed all the time!
Some folks complain of diarhea but I never had that.
Oh, just to let you know, mine was a complete secret, I had the flu.
I'm feeling much better now, on the other side. I still have a little anxiety when I lay down in the evenings to watch tv but it's not too bad.
Now, I have gained about 7 lbs and eat everything in sight! I'm almost ready to start trying to control it as I figured I needed all the vitamins I could get in my system, and I got a LOT!!!
I'm sure I left out some things, Seems like your taking a lot but I'm no expert, I thought I was at the top of the list with about 8-10 a day. At $7 a pill, it was pretty expensive! I sure am saving a lot of $$$ these days, plus life is SOOOOO much better! No planning around the pills, stressing when you get low, running out and not wanting too (that was horrible!)
I wish you luck in this, be sure and pray, it really helps!!!
Charlie
Hi SJ, and welcome. I am sorry it's taken me this long to post to you, I think I just missed this one. I hope you still check in on the board!! I just read your post, and yes I have been there! In fact when I first came to this board, I was still using, not hydro's, but my DOC was oxy's. I actually ran out, and was looking on the net for some relief of w/d's, and here I am. Without this board, I would still be using, I was like you, kind of knowing I had to quit, but kind of not wanting too, back and forth. I was confused. So...I read and read and read. Finally it hit me. It's either now or never, and with the support of the board, I went to my Dr, and confessed everything, and she put me on Methadone and I haven't been on oxy's for 63 days. What you experience without the pills is withdrawal. This is just my opinion, I think you should taper a few mg's every 7 days. You take 25-30, and that is high, but I did that many with percs too, I think too high for c/t, the q/d's might make you relapse. So set a date, start your taper, and go for it! Feel free to email me anytime, good luck and god bless, Kim
two24fans@aol.com
two24fans@aol.com
sj,
welcome and congrats for finding us... you have taken a small first step... here is the next couple of right steps forward...
you have to stop and really think do you want your life back?.... cause you dont have control over your life right now... you might think that you do but you dont... I was taking 30+ vicodin a day or percs when i could get them and at that number it is all you can do or think to worry about getting your supply... and the money to get it.... so you do not have your life... you worry about your health and not being or geting sick .... so the first question.... do you want your life back?.....
assuming your answer is yes..... are you willing to fight like hell to get it back?.... it will not be easy.... but if you let your mind tell you that you will be sick as heck and miserable and that you will have this symptom and that ailment and that you will this or that... you mind will have you sooo scared to death that you wont even want to try or if you do try .. it will be in half measures.... we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for.... fear sets us up for failure... so if you arent willing to be sick but have courage to persevere and work.... then i know this sounds harsh... maybe you shouldnt waste your time....
but if you can put your fear in check and you are willing to take your life back and fight to do it.... you need to do certain things... you can go c/t or tapering... I went c/t... i wanted it over with and in my case the first time I had a choice and the second time I had no choice... so.... you will be sick ... really sick ... but in about a weak maybe less the worst will be over and your mental thoughts of taking a pill will ease your mental obsession and your recovery will thus begin and have a little better footing in my opinion... but if you cant or choose not to c/t you can taper... it eases w/d but it prelongs things... and some cant do it sucessfully plus it keep the mind thinking.. ok i take this many this time and this many this time and then I take this many ect... it keep the mental obsession going... so... that is my opinion....
then after you are clean... how ever long it take .. in fact while you are getting clean you need to give serious thought to telling your 'secret' ... we all have to cross this bridge.... this is a disease... it is not a moral character defect.... it is normal to feel shame and guilt... but those emotions while sometime they can be motivating ... in most cases this one in particular .. they keep us sick and also take us to relapses... If you are getting your drugs from a doc or docs.. tell them that you are an addict and to not give them anymore.. tell your pharmacies... and tell your family or at least one person in your family.... tell your dealers... (this is burn your bridges.) this way when you have craving and your mind tells you to give in and give up... you can so easily..... and prolly the most important advise I can give is get to a meeting of NA/AA.... talk f2f with other recovering addicts... get phone numbers ... ect....
Look I know this is scarey and overwhelming but this disease is scarey and overwhelming.. and it is not a game.... you have some tough choices to make... but I will tell you something else.... you are worth it... your life is worth you fighting for... and I believe in you and that you can find in yourself the courage to fight the demon that these pills represent in this desease. You have reach down and find the strength to walk through the fire to get to the other side where you life is waiting... If you can do that ... you will be free... but until and unless you do that ... those little pills will take control of your life and your soul and they will eventually rob you of everything thing else....
I wish you luck as you make your decisions... I hope you can find your way to the right path..
Teresa
welcome and congrats for finding us... you have taken a small first step... here is the next couple of right steps forward...
you have to stop and really think do you want your life back?.... cause you dont have control over your life right now... you might think that you do but you dont... I was taking 30+ vicodin a day or percs when i could get them and at that number it is all you can do or think to worry about getting your supply... and the money to get it.... so you do not have your life... you worry about your health and not being or geting sick .... so the first question.... do you want your life back?.....
assuming your answer is yes..... are you willing to fight like hell to get it back?.... it will not be easy.... but if you let your mind tell you that you will be sick as heck and miserable and that you will have this symptom and that ailment and that you will this or that... you mind will have you sooo scared to death that you wont even want to try or if you do try .. it will be in half measures.... we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for.... fear sets us up for failure... so if you arent willing to be sick but have courage to persevere and work.... then i know this sounds harsh... maybe you shouldnt waste your time....
but if you can put your fear in check and you are willing to take your life back and fight to do it.... you need to do certain things... you can go c/t or tapering... I went c/t... i wanted it over with and in my case the first time I had a choice and the second time I had no choice... so.... you will be sick ... really sick ... but in about a weak maybe less the worst will be over and your mental thoughts of taking a pill will ease your mental obsession and your recovery will thus begin and have a little better footing in my opinion... but if you cant or choose not to c/t you can taper... it eases w/d but it prelongs things... and some cant do it sucessfully plus it keep the mind thinking.. ok i take this many this time and this many this time and then I take this many ect... it keep the mental obsession going... so... that is my opinion....
then after you are clean... how ever long it take .. in fact while you are getting clean you need to give serious thought to telling your 'secret' ... we all have to cross this bridge.... this is a disease... it is not a moral character defect.... it is normal to feel shame and guilt... but those emotions while sometime they can be motivating ... in most cases this one in particular .. they keep us sick and also take us to relapses... If you are getting your drugs from a doc or docs.. tell them that you are an addict and to not give them anymore.. tell your pharmacies... and tell your family or at least one person in your family.... tell your dealers... (this is burn your bridges.) this way when you have craving and your mind tells you to give in and give up... you can so easily..... and prolly the most important advise I can give is get to a meeting of NA/AA.... talk f2f with other recovering addicts... get phone numbers ... ect....
Look I know this is scarey and overwhelming but this disease is scarey and overwhelming.. and it is not a game.... you have some tough choices to make... but I will tell you something else.... you are worth it... your life is worth you fighting for... and I believe in you and that you can find in yourself the courage to fight the demon that these pills represent in this desease. You have reach down and find the strength to walk through the fire to get to the other side where you life is waiting... If you can do that ... you will be free... but until and unless you do that ... those little pills will take control of your life and your soul and they will eventually rob you of everything thing else....
I wish you luck as you make your decisions... I hope you can find your way to the right path..
Teresa
HI SJ;
I'm not sure there's too much I can add to the advice you've already received here. A little over four months ago I kicked hydro's for what I truly hope and believe is the last time. I won't bore you with my story, but please know that addiction is a disease, and as such it will never get better for you. It is progressive...it only ges worse. As you said right now you take 25-30 pills a day, and for what? Mainly to avoid withdrawal I take it.
Take an honest assessment of your situation and ask yourself if this is really how you want to live your life. Being a slave to pills keeps us from the miracles that are achievable in recovery. But you have to want it, and you have to be willing to accept short term pain for long term gain. You've already gone 4 days without pills. I recommend you flush your stash and get on with the rest of your life.
Get honest with yourself about these pills SJ. It takes action. Post often. Go to meetings. By all means stay connected, because one thing I've learned in my years of addiction is that I can't do this alone . Those five words mean the world to me.
I wish you all the best. It is so worth it!
Jim
I'm not sure there's too much I can add to the advice you've already received here. A little over four months ago I kicked hydro's for what I truly hope and believe is the last time. I won't bore you with my story, but please know that addiction is a disease, and as such it will never get better for you. It is progressive...it only ges worse. As you said right now you take 25-30 pills a day, and for what? Mainly to avoid withdrawal I take it.
Take an honest assessment of your situation and ask yourself if this is really how you want to live your life. Being a slave to pills keeps us from the miracles that are achievable in recovery. But you have to want it, and you have to be willing to accept short term pain for long term gain. You've already gone 4 days without pills. I recommend you flush your stash and get on with the rest of your life.
Get honest with yourself about these pills SJ. It takes action. Post often. Go to meetings. By all means stay connected, because one thing I've learned in my years of addiction is that I can't do this alone . Those five words mean the world to me.
I wish you all the best. It is so worth it!
Jim
