Hello everyone- I've come across this site and have it on my favorites toolbar and it's very nice to hear everybody share their experiences with pot. In other words, I've been lurking and didn't have the nerve to type anything until tonight. I found the information about dreams useful because I'm coming up on forty days clean and the dreams I've been having are serious and terrifying. I'm definately at a crossroads with my addiction. A part of me wants to quit for myself and the other part says, "you're just doing it for your parents". The part that's really killing about getting clean is music. I've been a drummer for some time and nearly everytime I got behind the kit, I was stoned. I try to play sober and I feel that there is no point to it. The youthful naivete' for exploration is gone. However, I did see a kickass show last night in Buffalo (Trey from Phish) and it was rewarding to not be buzzed to enjoy such a captivating musician. Anyway, back the weed- I went to a rehab for weed on May 17th and relapsed after 55 days. Put together another 32 days- relaspse. I'm sure some of you have been there. I really don't know where I'm going with this other than the fact that getting sober has made me very boring and emotionally numb at times. It's still extremely difficult to be around people who are even drinking, even though drinking wasn't my thing. I guess why I'm really posting here is because I'm fearful of the 12 steps. I go to outpatient once a week and that seems to be working fine. I'm really afraid to surrender and do the sponsor home group 10 meetings a week thing. That's all for now- thanks for letting me share.
Welcome Justin!
I understand about being afraid of working a 12 step program, it's hard to face up to who we really are without the drugs. I've smoked pot for 34 years, and it took getting hooked on cocaine to get me off of the weed. I have almost 5 months clean from both substances. I stopped buying pot about a year ago, when I got really involved with coke, I am an IV user.
Life does get better after drugs. Have you tried any meetings? (sorry I forgot if you said you did or not) I've found NA to be better, though I admit I have slacked off on going to meetings lately.
Anyway, if there's anything I can do to help, just ask.
I understand about the dreams...funny how when you are smoking weed you just don't remember them. Sometimes I have some beauts...just recently I had one and woke up crying...I used to hate to dream, but found that it's part of being a functional human being.
Just because you relapsed, don't beat yourself up...I think most addicts do, and they learn from them.
Did you say how old you are? I have an 18 y/o son who is a drummer in two bands, one is punk, the other rockabilly, go figure.
Welcome to the board!
{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}
I understand about being afraid of working a 12 step program, it's hard to face up to who we really are without the drugs. I've smoked pot for 34 years, and it took getting hooked on cocaine to get me off of the weed. I have almost 5 months clean from both substances. I stopped buying pot about a year ago, when I got really involved with coke, I am an IV user.
Life does get better after drugs. Have you tried any meetings? (sorry I forgot if you said you did or not) I've found NA to be better, though I admit I have slacked off on going to meetings lately.
Anyway, if there's anything I can do to help, just ask.
I understand about the dreams...funny how when you are smoking weed you just don't remember them. Sometimes I have some beauts...just recently I had one and woke up crying...I used to hate to dream, but found that it's part of being a functional human being.
Just because you relapsed, don't beat yourself up...I think most addicts do, and they learn from them.
Did you say how old you are? I have an 18 y/o son who is a drummer in two bands, one is punk, the other rockabilly, go figure.
Welcome to the board!
{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}
Thank you for your kind words. I guess what happened is that I starting dabbling in the white stuff early spring and got really paranoid which in turn made me realize that this was just the end of about ten years of steady smoking. It amazing how fast cocaine can flip your life around. I haven't been to a meeting in about a month but my outpatient that meets twice a week is good. The tips on denial, relapse prevention, conversation as opposed to one person speaks, then the next. My councellor's 24 years clean. BTW I'm 24. My friend at work is clean about 11 years from crack cocaine (?) and he implores that I go to more meetings. Aside from surrendering to the program, to see people at the meetings break down and cry gives me this feeling that 'here I am thirty days or whatever' and a man with years clean is crying, what gives you the right to even be here' Anyway, it would probably help to go to more meetings, but I'm still trying avoid them b/c they just aren't that fun.
congrats on 40 days and life off drugs isnt all that much fun either. BUT it will get better and you may find out you are much more creative than you ever dreamed you could be. the drugs really havent had much time to get out of your system so you are probably feeling depressed and dragged out. fun will return, but life is hard, why do you think drugs are around in the first place. ha.
do what you have to do to not smoke. there is no right way to do it. good luck and keep posting.
do what you have to do to not smoke. there is no right way to do it. good luck and keep posting.
you would enjoy the NA meeting that I go to...
as we are doing readings we have little "asides" that we say, such as when someone reads "we are under no surveillance" everyone says, "that we know of" and when we realized we were sick people say "sick, sick, sick"
keep trying different meetings, you will find one that clicks, i hope
a lot of the AA meetings have dinners, or what they call "eating meetings"
just keep coming back, it works if you work it, or else you die...
as we are doing readings we have little "asides" that we say, such as when someone reads "we are under no surveillance" everyone says, "that we know of" and when we realized we were sick people say "sick, sick, sick"
keep trying different meetings, you will find one that clicks, i hope
a lot of the AA meetings have dinners, or what they call "eating meetings"
just keep coming back, it works if you work it, or else you die...
40 days is no small feat. So good on ya! I'm on day 62. Exploring the world as a straight edge person is no small feat either. The youthful exploration.....hey it's not gone, I assure you, Just think of it as "sleeping." With more sober time it'll wake up. (I keep telling myself that) It's scary out there! Fear is totally normal. I have no idea who I want to be when I grow up. :-) I am thinking about school again. Never too old for education, right? My family keeps bugging me to go do it. I feel backed into a corner sometimes. Do it for me or do it for them ? I guess a little bit of both but i'm just not ready to leap into that environment. Quitting pot for me, quitting pot for my kids? Again, a little bit of both. Regarding figuring out what to do with my new "self", I'm just taking my time, building a good solid sober foundation then perhaps one course at a time. If you love the drums then keep on or they will gather dust like at my house. :-) My husband plays but it's been so long. Thanks for posting, I think I'm going to go dust them off for him now and encourage him to play. The man works too hard !
I've also enjoyed a few concerts now without being buzzed, it was great!
But I did turn down GWAR when my son offered to take me. I have to draw the line somewhere.....LOL
Anyway, good luck and welcome to the board.
I've also enjoyed a few concerts now without being buzzed, it was great!
But I did turn down GWAR when my son offered to take me. I have to draw the line somewhere.....LOL
Anyway, good luck and welcome to the board.
Doin it for me or for them? How about doin it cause you're tired of being stoned all the time?
Day 41-
Getting a craving so I thought I met vent for a minute. I met with my shrink today and we were talking about non-conformity. When I was in college I had this problem with ominpotence. In other words, having the world figured out at a young age. I didn't want to conform to "The Man", but hopping around cities, catching live shows, and selling water out of my car really didn't appeal to me either. What I slowly came to realize is that I had (still do) an intense fear of people. "An experienced Escape Artist" as the NA book explains. I had this problem of trying to prove to myself and others that I was the best at whatever I set out to accomplish- like numero uno- no one else can touch me. On the flipside, I knew this was part of the denial thing. I have a laundry list of denial excuses "I won't get as bad as others" "I go to bars for the music, not the booze or drugs" etc. As it turns out (as obvious as it sounds) I was conforming to drugs. I lost my identity and became everything I despised when I was a hardcore straight edge kid in 9nth grade. Through this time of sobriety I realized that I may not be the greatest writer, drummer etc, which leads to a fork in the road. Get depressed about it when you come crashing back to earth or consider it somewhat liberating. Realizing that I don't have to be the best at everything has allowed me to open up with new people, co-workers and myself. Instead of dreaming about being on a stage jamming out in front of people, I've become more of a sponge, truly observing words, sights and sounds, that I probably would have ignored it I was all lit up. What's cool now is that I have everybody who's important to me totally behind my back. I have to appreciate this. More often than not, I haven't realized what I have until it's gone (Joni Mitchell plug). Still get cravings, but I KNOW the buzz would be rotten. Just learning how to live...
Getting a craving so I thought I met vent for a minute. I met with my shrink today and we were talking about non-conformity. When I was in college I had this problem with ominpotence. In other words, having the world figured out at a young age. I didn't want to conform to "The Man", but hopping around cities, catching live shows, and selling water out of my car really didn't appeal to me either. What I slowly came to realize is that I had (still do) an intense fear of people. "An experienced Escape Artist" as the NA book explains. I had this problem of trying to prove to myself and others that I was the best at whatever I set out to accomplish- like numero uno- no one else can touch me. On the flipside, I knew this was part of the denial thing. I have a laundry list of denial excuses "I won't get as bad as others" "I go to bars for the music, not the booze or drugs" etc. As it turns out (as obvious as it sounds) I was conforming to drugs. I lost my identity and became everything I despised when I was a hardcore straight edge kid in 9nth grade. Through this time of sobriety I realized that I may not be the greatest writer, drummer etc, which leads to a fork in the road. Get depressed about it when you come crashing back to earth or consider it somewhat liberating. Realizing that I don't have to be the best at everything has allowed me to open up with new people, co-workers and myself. Instead of dreaming about being on a stage jamming out in front of people, I've become more of a sponge, truly observing words, sights and sounds, that I probably would have ignored it I was all lit up. What's cool now is that I have everybody who's important to me totally behind my back. I have to appreciate this. More often than not, I haven't realized what I have until it's gone (Joni Mitchell plug). Still get cravings, but I KNOW the buzz would be rotten. Just learning how to live...
Justin (that's my oldest son's name)...you are doing great sweetie, keep up the good work. I know the feelings that you describe...when I was high, I thought I had it over so many people. Now that I'm clean, I realize that I'm just another ordinary person.
41 days is really great! You sound like a very intelligent young man and I will keep you in my prayers. Trust in your Higher Power...surrender your will and live by his, and things will fall into place.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
41 days is really great! You sound like a very intelligent young man and I will keep you in my prayers. Trust in your Higher Power...surrender your will and live by his, and things will fall into place.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
yup, Big Yellow Taxi, one of my all time favorites, seems like I have a post it note in my brain that she was not the first to sing that song though. Guns n Roses did one on that subject also, "don't know what you got, til its gone, don't know what I did that was so wrong wrong wrong" Easier to appreciate what you have when you're straight though. Easier to hold on to it also, it doesn't slip away in the fog.
Justin,
wise beyond your years.
wise beyond your years.
Justin, I agree with Jamv....you have things figured out.
"you don't have to be old to be wise." - Rob Halford.
Hey, are you attempting to write music as a sober person yet ?
"you don't have to be old to be wise." - Rob Halford.
Hey, are you attempting to write music as a sober person yet ?
Day 42 (Barely)-
Aren't weekends just the worst? All day long I thought about using. I isolated myself with stoner rock and really wanted the full effect. I went to a football game today and of course everyone around me was getting sloshed. I know I'm doing everything right but damn I wanted to smoke. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have felt guilty about it afterwards. Maybe I would have, having to start all over again. I have my group on tuesday so all I can do is just hold on... As far as writing music, I've never really been a lyricist. I like to write short fiction and poetry. My writing has improved when I'm sober, which is a good thing.
"Don't let the lion out!" Carl from NA
Aren't weekends just the worst? All day long I thought about using. I isolated myself with stoner rock and really wanted the full effect. I went to a football game today and of course everyone around me was getting sloshed. I know I'm doing everything right but damn I wanted to smoke. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have felt guilty about it afterwards. Maybe I would have, having to start all over again. I have my group on tuesday so all I can do is just hold on... As far as writing music, I've never really been a lyricist. I like to write short fiction and poetry. My writing has improved when I'm sober, which is a good thing.
"Don't let the lion out!" Carl from NA
