Blasted things.
Blasted blasted things.
When will I ever get any self confidence. I made a window for a bloke I work with, as he requested. Dark glass at the bottom, medium colour in the middle, light at the top. He took it today, fitted it, and it is too dark at the bottom.
It probably sounds like no big deal, he doesn't seem to think it is particularly, but it is so disappointing to me that my head has just gone to pieces........why couldn't you do it perfectly......you always mess things up.....you have got to stop mucking things up like this....the glass supplier told you that it was very dark....why didn't you listen to him.......he knows....you can't charge him for it now.....you'll have to redo it for free.....look at all the work he has given you..and then you do this.......you have got to do better that this.....you are an idiot......going around acting like your ok when you're not really.....it's all a front.......
and then there's the whole feeling of utter worthlessness that goes with all the negative head crap.
Also I had to drop a cheque round to another work colleague; her house was really nice, all homely and she was cooking dinner for her and her boyfriend, doesn't my head attack me about that one aswell......look at you.......billy no mates.....coming home to your weird place.....you live like a buddhist monk.....you don't know how to have possessions because you got so messed up on drugs.....you are just embarassing......she would have got the window right....she is better than you......you can't be creative anymore.....that all disappeared when you started doing drugs.....you're just weird.....you make me cringe....all you've got is a computer to tell things to...what a saddo....and you can't even have a drink.....
And then of course I feel sorry for myself because I know I am attacking myself. Then I feel guilty for attacking myself because surely I'm not really that bad. But there is part of me that just finds me repulsive.
I am severely embarassing myself on this site lately, but so what, I am fed up with not being honest about myself, always trying to be this faultless, great person that I just ain't really.
Oh yeah - and the stupid thing is, going back to the original thing - the bloke asked for dark glass at the bottom. So in effect, I have made up a complete load of rubbish over nothing!
Oh this is horrible. I have tried not to post negative posts, because I don't want to spread negativity, but this confidence thing is just unhealthy. I would imagine a healthy person would hear that the glass was too dark and find a solution. Would see how someone else lives and be happy for them. I suppose if you have spent half of your life on drink and drugs you can't expect to be healthy mentally and emotionally can you.
I could blather on forever probably but I am going to go now.
Actually, if anything, it would be nice if these horrible posts are useful in some way to someone, even if it is just seeing the complete self centredness of the dare I say it - alcoholic mind. It is still a problem to me to admit that I am alcoholic, but then that is another whole self centred story.......
Hey Lacey...
I get where you're coming from...I understand and I face some of the same challanges you have shared about...I suffer from a lack of self-esteem and always have and I've had periods of time in sobriety before but the madness in my head kept screwing with me and I would eventually go back out to quiet the voices in my head....Today, the only way I can stay sober is sharing everything with others that suffer the same affliction, whether it be here, with another alkie, my sponsor or in a meeting, and I have found, by working the steps, the craziness in my head isn't as bad today as it was yesterday and everyday is a little bit better....
I will never be cured of alcoholism or the thinking that accompanies the disease but each day I can work on being a better person and by doing that, my life & thinking is shifting....Keep sharing, keep posting, keep telling on your disease and maybe you could check out an AA meeting and give it a shot?
I can read the frustration and pain in your post and I just wanted you to know you have a friend here and I can relate to what you are going through lately...
I will say a special prayer for you....
(((hugs)))
Stacey
I get where you're coming from...I understand and I face some of the same challanges you have shared about...I suffer from a lack of self-esteem and always have and I've had periods of time in sobriety before but the madness in my head kept screwing with me and I would eventually go back out to quiet the voices in my head....Today, the only way I can stay sober is sharing everything with others that suffer the same affliction, whether it be here, with another alkie, my sponsor or in a meeting, and I have found, by working the steps, the craziness in my head isn't as bad today as it was yesterday and everyday is a little bit better....
| QUOTE |
| I would imagine a healthy person would hear that the glass was too dark and find a solution. Would see how someone else lives and be happy for them. |
I will never be cured of alcoholism or the thinking that accompanies the disease but each day I can work on being a better person and by doing that, my life & thinking is shifting....Keep sharing, keep posting, keep telling on your disease and maybe you could check out an AA meeting and give it a shot?
I can read the frustration and pain in your post and I just wanted you to know you have a friend here and I can relate to what you are going through lately...
I will say a special prayer for you....
(((hugs)))
Stacey
Lacey, you have just described what goes on in my head sometimes. As I get older I'm getting more comfortable with myself but I still have to battle those demons sometimes. I suspect you would be surprised by how many people look at you view your lifestyle as being reasonably normal and healthy.. People can accept just about anybody who can accept themselves for who they are. Hoever, finding that self acceptance isn't easy for some of us....... Hang in there keep posting....
one day at a time... Cookster
one day at a time... Cookster
Lacey, our heads get loud don't they? I totally can relate to your post...totally identify...I left my husband five years (5/18/2002) ago and walked away from a lot, materially....I now share a one bdrm apt with my daughter...and have so much less, but when I sit and pray about it, it oftentimes comes to me at how much more I really have....sobriety....I almost gave up my life for drinking and I must not forget that....you are doing really well....reach out and keep posting.
Hi lacey
tell that committe in your head that the meeting's over!!! LOL
Its an awful feeling isn't it? I have been there often, where I just can't seem to shut off that tape.
Lots of prayer, repeating the serenity prayer or a simple affirmation often helps me.
Sometime I say "every day in every way I'm getting better and better"
over and over again - out loud if I can. And you know hwat? Its so frigging corny that I ususally end up laughing at myself and feel better even if only for a few moments. But it does help me to stop taking myself and my crap so seriously.
I've found that the negative tape running is rather cyclical with me. I'll have days where it doesn't run at all and then it'll start up again with a vengeance.
Hope you can find some serenity today.
Idgie.
tell that committe in your head that the meeting's over!!! LOL
Its an awful feeling isn't it? I have been there often, where I just can't seem to shut off that tape.
Lots of prayer, repeating the serenity prayer or a simple affirmation often helps me.
Sometime I say "every day in every way I'm getting better and better"
over and over again - out loud if I can. And you know hwat? Its so frigging corny that I ususally end up laughing at myself and feel better even if only for a few moments. But it does help me to stop taking myself and my crap so seriously.
I've found that the negative tape running is rather cyclical with me. I'll have days where it doesn't run at all and then it'll start up again with a vengeance.
Hope you can find some serenity today.
Idgie.
Gidday Lacey
Have you seen the movie Forest Gump and the scene where he is hitting a table tennis ball with a bat in each hand and the ball is going really fast off the backboard and bats.....well that can be my negativety in my head, i am comfortable with negativity because i grew up in it and my confidance has only appeared through the pain of my fear over time.
Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful the bstard it will try anyway to disrupt the positive so hang in there and there was a tune to an add that i would say in early recovery sometimes a 100 times a day it goes "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative and dont get caught with Mr In Between"
Mr inbetween was and is my crazy in head talk that when i let it just goes off in the negative.
Hey Lacey i know what you are going through and i cant make it any easier but i can say it does get better. I can find a negative in any situation it now just depends on weither i listen to it and allow it time to build in my head.
light and love Zac
Have you seen the movie Forest Gump and the scene where he is hitting a table tennis ball with a bat in each hand and the ball is going really fast off the backboard and bats.....well that can be my negativety in my head, i am comfortable with negativity because i grew up in it and my confidance has only appeared through the pain of my fear over time.
Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful the bstard it will try anyway to disrupt the positive so hang in there and there was a tune to an add that i would say in early recovery sometimes a 100 times a day it goes "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative and dont get caught with Mr In Between"
Mr inbetween was and is my crazy in head talk that when i let it just goes off in the negative.
Hey Lacey i know what you are going through and i cant make it any easier but i can say it does get better. I can find a negative in any situation it now just depends on weither i listen to it and allow it time to build in my head.
light and love Zac
Hi guys!
Stacey - thankyou for your prayer, I do believe it worked! I read your post a couple of times not long after you posted it, turned off the computer and went downstairs. Suddenly I realised how mild the whole episode was. I used to really hate myself!! I used to f and blind and curse my reflection in the mirror. The best I could describe myself was a f'ing b*****. It used to get so horrific in my head that I had to knock myself out with alcohol.
Look at me now......the harshest it got was that I am an idiot!!!!!!!!!!
So, thankyou Stacey, you helped me find clarity - that is amazing!!
It is so so useful to be able to post on this board and have you guys knowing where I am coming from. I guess that is why it is so important to talk to other alcoholics. Aargghhh 'other alcoholics', I am almost labelling myself as one there!!! Ha ha!!!
Actually at times like this I look into the local AA meetings - perhaps I should go, but, well, I won't go into the discussions that go on in my head! I just don't seem to end up there. What about the phone numbers thing, what if someone phones me - aargghh - scary. I have got to get over this fear of people and I guess really I know that AA would be a useful place to start mixing. It is just that admittance I suppose. I want to be ok, that it's all in the past, but sometimes I think I underestimate the scale of my drinking. I just did such a good job of pretending I was ok to everyone all the time. It was a massive false persona.
Blah blah, me me me. Boring!!
Thankyou guys for taking the time to post and help me realise that the way I am is the way of the disease I guess.
Hope you all have a great day.
Stacey - thankyou for your prayer, I do believe it worked! I read your post a couple of times not long after you posted it, turned off the computer and went downstairs. Suddenly I realised how mild the whole episode was. I used to really hate myself!! I used to f and blind and curse my reflection in the mirror. The best I could describe myself was a f'ing b*****. It used to get so horrific in my head that I had to knock myself out with alcohol.
Look at me now......the harshest it got was that I am an idiot!!!!!!!!!!
So, thankyou Stacey, you helped me find clarity - that is amazing!!
It is so so useful to be able to post on this board and have you guys knowing where I am coming from. I guess that is why it is so important to talk to other alcoholics. Aargghhh 'other alcoholics', I am almost labelling myself as one there!!! Ha ha!!!
Actually at times like this I look into the local AA meetings - perhaps I should go, but, well, I won't go into the discussions that go on in my head! I just don't seem to end up there. What about the phone numbers thing, what if someone phones me - aargghh - scary. I have got to get over this fear of people and I guess really I know that AA would be a useful place to start mixing. It is just that admittance I suppose. I want to be ok, that it's all in the past, but sometimes I think I underestimate the scale of my drinking. I just did such a good job of pretending I was ok to everyone all the time. It was a massive false persona.
Blah blah, me me me. Boring!!
Thankyou guys for taking the time to post and help me realise that the way I am is the way of the disease I guess.
Hope you all have a great day.
Hi Lacey.
Thanks for sharing.
You know, the very thoughts you expressed are shared everyday--and nobody judges them. Sometimes it's just good to get them out so they don't fester.
:)
You know, you don't have to give anybody any numbers or take any numbers or play any numbers or add any numbers or anything! I wish I could take you to a meeting with me. Judging by the words you use, however, I suspect it's a very long flight.
:)
Don't be so harsh on your self. And welcome to the "Club of Flaggelation."
Thanks for sharing.
You know, the very thoughts you expressed are shared everyday--and nobody judges them. Sometimes it's just good to get them out so they don't fester.
:)
You know, you don't have to give anybody any numbers or take any numbers or play any numbers or add any numbers or anything! I wish I could take you to a meeting with me. Judging by the words you use, however, I suspect it's a very long flight.
:)
Don't be so harsh on your self. And welcome to the "Club of Flaggelation."
Hey Lacey, I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. You have had a mini recovery from your negative thoughts. Remember this moment so that the next time negative thoughts confront you you will be able to remind yourself that you will feel better again... This seems to work for me...
bye for now Cookster
bye for now Cookster
Lacey, I went to my first meeting Sunday night, I was scared to death. Standing up as a newcomer and saying " Hi, I'm Missy and I am an alcohlic" was the moment I realized S@#$, I'm a freaking raging alcoholic. Everyone came and hugged me and welcomed me as if I had already known them. Please try the meeting. My friend just had first birthday, she worked the steps.
Missy
Missy
Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!! do you really have to stand up and say you are an alcoholic??????
Good for you for getting yourself there missy, it sounds like it agreed with you as you are going again.
Oh skg, I wish I could go to a meeting with you. I don't know why I am being such a wus. Oh, and I am honoured to be in the flagellator club!!!!!!!!
The last time I tried to go to AA I nearly ended up in a mental home!!!!!!! I went to suss out the place in the daytime, looked at the AA poster on the wall, should of asked about it, but avoided the receptionist when she came in, and quickly left. As the hours counted down to the meeting my head melted down to utter insanity. Yes, no, in, out, up, down, round and round..... it was totally ridiculous - especially as I didn't go anyway! As the meeting was commencing I was recovering - exhausted!!
Oh well, at least I sort of tried I suppose! That was a couple of months ago, and it has now raised its head again.
I don't think it would be so bad if I admitted I was an alcoholic, but to do that is like admitting defeat. Also, there is the drugs, the eating disorder - hey how can I say I have an eating disorder but not say I am an alcoholic??? Interesting. Oh and the little thing of codependency in relationships with junkies! Ho hum, bit of a mixed bag really.
Good for you for getting yourself there missy, it sounds like it agreed with you as you are going again.
Oh skg, I wish I could go to a meeting with you. I don't know why I am being such a wus. Oh, and I am honoured to be in the flagellator club!!!!!!!!
The last time I tried to go to AA I nearly ended up in a mental home!!!!!!! I went to suss out the place in the daytime, looked at the AA poster on the wall, should of asked about it, but avoided the receptionist when she came in, and quickly left. As the hours counted down to the meeting my head melted down to utter insanity. Yes, no, in, out, up, down, round and round..... it was totally ridiculous - especially as I didn't go anyway! As the meeting was commencing I was recovering - exhausted!!
Oh well, at least I sort of tried I suppose! That was a couple of months ago, and it has now raised its head again.
I don't think it would be so bad if I admitted I was an alcoholic, but to do that is like admitting defeat. Also, there is the drugs, the eating disorder - hey how can I say I have an eating disorder but not say I am an alcoholic??? Interesting. Oh and the little thing of codependency in relationships with junkies! Ho hum, bit of a mixed bag really.
Hi Lacey,
Just read your posts glad your feeling better today!!! Oh God how many times have I told myself that I'm such a loser? So many I can't even count them. Oh God & if I even look in the mirror I'm screwed, it's horrifying if I sneak a peak at my self naked. Somedays my thoughts are so self destructive I wish I'd never been born. I doubt myself,feel afraid & confused. It's the enemy my disease telling me I'm no good. This seems to happen more when my estrogen levels are peaking. I'm learning @ re-hab, therapy, & AA that I can confront those thoughts & tell them to take a hike. That I can find victory in transforming my thoughts. I realize that these negative thoughts are almost always distorted thinking. One of which I learned in childhood, & marriage. on top of that I never learned to cope properly add alcoholism it's a recipe for negative thinking. But we do have the power to overcome them if we learn how to tackle negative thinking. I've also been reading a book titled Battlefield of the Mind,by Joyce Meyers. It is a God based bk so I don't know if you would like it. But I can tell you that it's truly a blessing for someone like me whom to often has a war raging in her head. I'm sure there are other self help bks. out there that aren't God based if thats what you prefer. When I can, sometimes I just go for a walk to clear my head, eat a little chocolate. It seems to help me put things in better perspective. I'm not big into AA as of yet, but started going 2 or 3 wks ago. It's quite remarkable that I'm not alone when it comes to self doubt,fear, negative thinking. But whats really comforting is that many of these people no longer have as many episodes as they used to. I don't know if this is helping but I hope it helps some. Praying and Wishing you the Power to Defeat Negative Thoughts and Feelings !!! Love, Chris
Just read your posts glad your feeling better today!!! Oh God how many times have I told myself that I'm such a loser? So many I can't even count them. Oh God & if I even look in the mirror I'm screwed, it's horrifying if I sneak a peak at my self naked. Somedays my thoughts are so self destructive I wish I'd never been born. I doubt myself,feel afraid & confused. It's the enemy my disease telling me I'm no good. This seems to happen more when my estrogen levels are peaking. I'm learning @ re-hab, therapy, & AA that I can confront those thoughts & tell them to take a hike. That I can find victory in transforming my thoughts. I realize that these negative thoughts are almost always distorted thinking. One of which I learned in childhood, & marriage. on top of that I never learned to cope properly add alcoholism it's a recipe for negative thinking. But we do have the power to overcome them if we learn how to tackle negative thinking. I've also been reading a book titled Battlefield of the Mind,by Joyce Meyers. It is a God based bk so I don't know if you would like it. But I can tell you that it's truly a blessing for someone like me whom to often has a war raging in her head. I'm sure there are other self help bks. out there that aren't God based if thats what you prefer. When I can, sometimes I just go for a walk to clear my head, eat a little chocolate. It seems to help me put things in better perspective. I'm not big into AA as of yet, but started going 2 or 3 wks ago. It's quite remarkable that I'm not alone when it comes to self doubt,fear, negative thinking. But whats really comforting is that many of these people no longer have as many episodes as they used to. I don't know if this is helping but I hope it helps some. Praying and Wishing you the Power to Defeat Negative Thoughts and Feelings !!! Love, Chris
Hi Lacey
where I live the meetings are quite small - you don't have to stand up if you don't want to, you don't have to say the "A" word in fact you don't have to say anything at all.
If you go, you may find it easier to chat with people before, or after the meeting but you do NOT have to speak or anything if you don't want to.
I don't know where you live, but the meetings in my area are mostly small, 20 or less, the largest I have been to is about 40 people. I've heard of huge meetings with 100+ people. Now that would be intimidating even to me. So maybe try and sus out a couple of smaller ones and try them first.
You don't have to admit anything - just listen.
shoot - wish I was closer too - I'd be happy to take you to a meeting.
One step ata time Lacey, Rome wasn't built in a day you know.
Idgie
where I live the meetings are quite small - you don't have to stand up if you don't want to, you don't have to say the "A" word in fact you don't have to say anything at all.
If you go, you may find it easier to chat with people before, or after the meeting but you do NOT have to speak or anything if you don't want to.
I don't know where you live, but the meetings in my area are mostly small, 20 or less, the largest I have been to is about 40 people. I've heard of huge meetings with 100+ people. Now that would be intimidating even to me. So maybe try and sus out a couple of smaller ones and try them first.
You don't have to admit anything - just listen.
shoot - wish I was closer too - I'd be happy to take you to a meeting.
One step ata time Lacey, Rome wasn't built in a day you know.
Idgie
