This is what I typed a few days ago.....
This pregnancy is another safety net for me. I can't use because of the baby. Whenever I have had urges, thats the first thing that comes to mind. Funny how my baby is worth all of that, but I'm not. I know I am, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say here.
Well theres no more safety net.
I've been here all day with mixed feelings about everything and those feelings are sprinkled with the thought of using. In the back of my head they are there. And then I feel even worse because losing the baby should consume my thoughts right? But oh no, not this addict. WTF?
My heart is so heavy, I wanted this pregnancy so much, the tears are endless, and then there are those whispers of pills. I'm upset and relieved about giving the script back at the hospital. I truly don't know what I would do if they were here.
Maybe I do know.
Redd
redd,
its ok sweety, dont feel crappy about your using thoughts. its extremely normal to want to especially after all you've gone through this weekend. but how empowering it must have been to say no to the script. you said no cause your addiction/recovery was that important to you. these nagging thoughts are nothing but a test. even though you are sad and feel weak. i know yuo are strong enough to squash those thoughts down to size. you have the power to tell them to buzz off. i am so glad you are able to talk about it and let those thoughts and feelings out. you know they would do you no good if you caved. you went through all that sub thereapy. do you think you will get so lucky next time? maybe you might wanna even call the sub dr and see if you can take a low dose for a week or so, i dont know how it works. just a thought. i know you can and will get through this without drugs and do you know what a huge deal that will be? it will be so empowering in and you will be high on how proud you feel after all is said and done. you just keep posting girly. talk and let it out. you have to be the most loved person on this board. i am so proud to know you and be your neighbor : )
terrianne
its ok sweety, dont feel crappy about your using thoughts. its extremely normal to want to especially after all you've gone through this weekend. but how empowering it must have been to say no to the script. you said no cause your addiction/recovery was that important to you. these nagging thoughts are nothing but a test. even though you are sad and feel weak. i know yuo are strong enough to squash those thoughts down to size. you have the power to tell them to buzz off. i am so glad you are able to talk about it and let those thoughts and feelings out. you know they would do you no good if you caved. you went through all that sub thereapy. do you think you will get so lucky next time? maybe you might wanna even call the sub dr and see if you can take a low dose for a week or so, i dont know how it works. just a thought. i know you can and will get through this without drugs and do you know what a huge deal that will be? it will be so empowering in and you will be high on how proud you feel after all is said and done. you just keep posting girly. talk and let it out. you have to be the most loved person on this board. i am so proud to know you and be your neighbor : )
terrianne
Dear Redd,
You've shown extreme courage during all this. At such a tragic time, anyone's thought's would be drawn toward escape and all but a few would have succumbed. I'm so sorry, yet still must look to you with admiration. Please try to stay strong...you know all the reasons. Much love and sympathy, Beck
You've shown extreme courage during all this. At such a tragic time, anyone's thought's would be drawn toward escape and all but a few would have succumbed. I'm so sorry, yet still must look to you with admiration. Please try to stay strong...you know all the reasons. Much love and sympathy, Beck
But I guess thats my point......I've been through alot, wouldn't you think that would be enough to fill my head. Shouldn't mourning this loss be enough? My heart is so broken and my head is full, but yet theres room for pill whispers.
I know I could call and get something, they even called to check on me and see if I needed something for pain. And I know my husband would fill it.
I dunno, I feel like I'm cheating this baby when I have thoughts.....like right now, how come I'm not on a baby loss board for support, but I'm on a drug board.
It just doesn't feel right.
Redd
even in your angst and pain, your's is a beautiful voice, redd.
whenever i have a craving to use, it's a sign that there is some issue going on that i need to address. in hindsight, using drugs was one way that i dealt with those issues, which didn't bring much of a solution.
it is perfectly normal, in light of the time in recovery and this horrendous experience you have just experienced to want to use. grief comes to us in many forms...we grieve over the loss of loved ones and i believe we also grieve over the loss of the pills we used. after all, while in active addiction those pills were our lovers and best friend.
hang in there sweetheart. i can guarantee you that no pill in the world is going to take away our grief. it might stunt it for a while but when you sober up, the grief will still be there.
any chance that you can get to a meeting soon? i saw where you wrote that you have been attending meetings and when you walked away from them your spirit was obviously touched with hope and love. get all the support you can...from a grief counseling group to your meetings and your therapist. there is absolutely no reason why you have to go this alone.
the question of your HP has been discussed in many threads on this forum today and i will say this much. deep down inside you have been enabled with courage to post your sincere and honest thoughts here. that Power which has enable you is your higher self urging you to do the next right thing. your HP is very much alive within your spirit. be still...be still...be still...listen to it, tap on it. i dunno redd...the longer i hang around and don't use and just try to do the next right thing (even when my chips are at their worse), more is revealed.
much love to you -
sammy
whenever i have a craving to use, it's a sign that there is some issue going on that i need to address. in hindsight, using drugs was one way that i dealt with those issues, which didn't bring much of a solution.
it is perfectly normal, in light of the time in recovery and this horrendous experience you have just experienced to want to use. grief comes to us in many forms...we grieve over the loss of loved ones and i believe we also grieve over the loss of the pills we used. after all, while in active addiction those pills were our lovers and best friend.
hang in there sweetheart. i can guarantee you that no pill in the world is going to take away our grief. it might stunt it for a while but when you sober up, the grief will still be there.
any chance that you can get to a meeting soon? i saw where you wrote that you have been attending meetings and when you walked away from them your spirit was obviously touched with hope and love. get all the support you can...from a grief counseling group to your meetings and your therapist. there is absolutely no reason why you have to go this alone.
the question of your HP has been discussed in many threads on this forum today and i will say this much. deep down inside you have been enabled with courage to post your sincere and honest thoughts here. that Power which has enable you is your higher self urging you to do the next right thing. your HP is very much alive within your spirit. be still...be still...be still...listen to it, tap on it. i dunno redd...the longer i hang around and don't use and just try to do the next right thing (even when my chips are at their worse), more is revealed.
much love to you -
sammy
Redd, I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and you family, and I will keep you in my prayers. I know your heart is broken as well as your families, please remember that we are all here for you. Keep posting I think it is good just to come here an post whatever we are feeling..
Sammy, I loved your post, it really spoke to me..
Sammy, I loved your post, it really spoke to me..
being still hurts right now Sammy.....maybe tomorrow......I really just need to get through today.
Thank you for your words.
Thank you Boo and Paula and Beck as well as everyone here.
Redd
Thank you for your words.
Thank you Boo and Paula and Beck as well as everyone here.
Redd
you are not on a baby board because you need to be right here redd. right here where you can trust and know that the people here love you. you belong here, sweetheart and take all the time and space you need.
when i speak of being still i meant quieting your mind - rest it. of course you hurt - you've suffered a tremendous loss today. grieving in a process, just like recovery. so often we try to gird ourselves to face a harsh and difficult world when we might instead gentle both ourselves and our world just by slowing down.
we could take a cue from music here: 'rest' is musical term for a pause between flurries of notes. without that tiny pause, the torrent of notes can be overwhelming. without a rest in our lives, the torrent of our lives can be the same.
namaste'
sammy
when i speak of being still i meant quieting your mind - rest it. of course you hurt - you've suffered a tremendous loss today. grieving in a process, just like recovery. so often we try to gird ourselves to face a harsh and difficult world when we might instead gentle both ourselves and our world just by slowing down.
we could take a cue from music here: 'rest' is musical term for a pause between flurries of notes. without that tiny pause, the torrent of notes can be overwhelming. without a rest in our lives, the torrent of our lives can be the same.
namaste'
sammy
Listen to Sammy, Amy. All of your thoughts and feelings are right and normal. You are right where you need to be (on this board), this is where you feel safe and loved. And we will love you through this.
What if you use? No one will judge you. I'm not saying to do it, all I'm saying that if you do, no foul. Just remember that you will have to deal with beating yourself up for it as well. Your plate is full enough right now. Take it one day at a time, maybe even one minute at a time. Get through today and see how you feel tomorrow.
You're tired. Your heart is broken. It's all you can do to type right now. It's ok.
Think of your son. He still needs a whole mom.
I tried to pray for you and maybe I didn't do a bang up job of it, but I have a feeling that God was listening and has a greater plan. I know that that would not be any solace to me, so I don't expect it to be for you either. just something to think about.
I love you
Cowgirl
What if you use? No one will judge you. I'm not saying to do it, all I'm saying that if you do, no foul. Just remember that you will have to deal with beating yourself up for it as well. Your plate is full enough right now. Take it one day at a time, maybe even one minute at a time. Get through today and see how you feel tomorrow.
You're tired. Your heart is broken. It's all you can do to type right now. It's ok.
Think of your son. He still needs a whole mom.
I tried to pray for you and maybe I didn't do a bang up job of it, but I have a feeling that God was listening and has a greater plan. I know that that would not be any solace to me, so I don't expect it to be for you either. just something to think about.
I love you
Cowgirl
Hey Redd. I know you are hurting so bad, and I wish I could take that away.
But, please don't forget how much of a struggle it was to get clean, and why you got clean. That one script won't be enough; and you will end up right back where you left off. AA guaranteed that one to me; I thought I would prove them wrong. They were right everytime.
I won't judge you either; I can't say what I would do.....I just got loaded in the past over everything. But, it never solved anything, and made me disgusted in myself..
But, I do know, if you ride this out, this will be one of those "sober experiences" my friend rach talks about to keep in your back pocket to draw on. You walked through hell clean, and the next time it gets bad, you will know you did it before.
Take it from the former relapse queen, it just isn't worth it. Those pills won't take the pain away; only time will.
You are loved, sweety, and you still have your son to color your world.
Kerry
But, please don't forget how much of a struggle it was to get clean, and why you got clean. That one script won't be enough; and you will end up right back where you left off. AA guaranteed that one to me; I thought I would prove them wrong. They were right everytime.
I won't judge you either; I can't say what I would do.....I just got loaded in the past over everything. But, it never solved anything, and made me disgusted in myself..
But, I do know, if you ride this out, this will be one of those "sober experiences" my friend rach talks about to keep in your back pocket to draw on. You walked through hell clean, and the next time it gets bad, you will know you did it before.
Take it from the former relapse queen, it just isn't worth it. Those pills won't take the pain away; only time will.
You are loved, sweety, and you still have your son to color your world.
Kerry
Redd, I'm very sorry for your loss and the pain you're feeling now. I can't add to the wisdom and experience already posted on this thread -- I only wanted to add my voice to the chorus of your supporters. Hang in......you are truly loved and respected.
Hey Redd,
You say you have no net? well i think you still do, your little boy, like someone said above, he needs a whole mum!!! He needs you Amy, and he needs you clean, you have come so far please dont forget the hell you went through to get where you are!!!
Let us know how your doing today, come here and talk it out, you never know it may help?
Thinking of ya, praying for ya and sending you loads of
((((((((((((STRENGTH))))))))))))))) remember you can walk this walk clean, but know no one will judge you no matter what x x x
love
Gabbs
You say you have no net? well i think you still do, your little boy, like someone said above, he needs a whole mum!!! He needs you Amy, and he needs you clean, you have come so far please dont forget the hell you went through to get where you are!!!
Let us know how your doing today, come here and talk it out, you never know it may help?
Thinking of ya, praying for ya and sending you loads of
((((((((((((STRENGTH))))))))))))))) remember you can walk this walk clean, but know no one will judge you no matter what x x x
love
Gabbs
Redd, we are all here for you. What you are going through is sooo horrible, but you have clean time behind you now..I know you have no safety net, but please please don't let that stand in your way! You are a strong beautiful person, and your son needs his mommy now! Stay strong, we are behind you 100%, believe me I have never seen anyone recieve so many prayers in one day...we love you chicky..hugs to ya, Kim
I am glad your thinking of your baby and not your drug addition. soon as you have that baby your life will change so much and you will relise what a silly girl you have bin taking drugs . youv got all yuo life infront of you and make your baby proud! hope things goes well and you can look back in the furture and think blody hell wtf was i like. take care and have fun with your new member of your famliy :) kaite x x x
I think you need to go and re read Katie
Oh, Redd, I am so sorry to be reading this!! I feel your pain, I have tears running down my cheeks. So sorry.................
But we must pick up ourselves and carry on. You have your son, who you should be VERY grateful for. And I know your critters can give you comfort too. Don't use. Those pills won't do anything for you except make you feel worse. Maybe take a half of a sub if your craving is so bad.
I gotta go find a kleenex, I will say some prayers for you. Remember, you are young and maybe there's still a chance. God does work in mysteries ways. Keep your chin up, girl!! XX00
But we must pick up ourselves and carry on. You have your son, who you should be VERY grateful for. And I know your critters can give you comfort too. Don't use. Those pills won't do anything for you except make you feel worse. Maybe take a half of a sub if your craving is so bad.
I gotta go find a kleenex, I will say some prayers for you. Remember, you are young and maybe there's still a chance. God does work in mysteries ways. Keep your chin up, girl!! XX00
Dear Amy;
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Stay close by...you have so many people here who care about you.
Jim
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Stay close by...you have so many people here who care about you.
Jim
Redd, i just want to tell you how sorry i am for your loss, i know what this baby meant to you, but i also see that your recovery means alot to you too, otherwise you would have grabbed the scrip and run...bless you and your family in the days to come. you have a net, your family, it is very important to you...we can tell that...you also still have this web net family to love and support you through the good times and bad, we love you sweetheart!
Redd, I've been thinking -- look at how strong you were when you said to your husband to give that script back. My goodness. That shows how much you are into your recovery. That was your instinct -- not to take those pills. You refused. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. When you said give it back, you were putting yourself first, you knew you didn't want to go through addiction all over again. You are strong, trust yourself. You may be having a weak moment now, but that's all it is: "a weak moment". It'll pass and your strength will rule. Bless your heart, sweetie, what a trial you have going on. Stay strong as you are. Love,
Redd,
there is really nothing that I can add... other that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and that I am sooo proud of you and the strength that you have shown during this time... you are an amazing woman and though this grief and pain you feel now must seem overwhelming it is but a moment in time that will pass. That blessed tiny life that you had inside you for such a short time was yet a life and you must grieve and then put that experience in the special place in your heart and go forward dear Amy... and you know that taking any action backward as far as your recovery is concerned though understandable to some would not be doing justice to that tiny life or to the family that you have now... and esp it would not bare well to the wonderful strong woman that I and those of us here know that you are....
However, even though using shouldnt ever be an option.. I had an experience this weekend that I will not go into but someone said something to me that for some reason struck a nerve.... it is was simply this.... 'if you do choose (and it is a choice..) to use to ease your pain and dispair you know that (we.. in this case this board) you know that I am here to help you start over and pick up the pieces.... You are not alone. "
Dear Amy, I believe in you and I know that you will handle this the best you can and you have the tools to do what you must to stay clean... please keep reaching out and walking through this pain....
Love ya..
Teresa
there is really nothing that I can add... other that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and that I am sooo proud of you and the strength that you have shown during this time... you are an amazing woman and though this grief and pain you feel now must seem overwhelming it is but a moment in time that will pass. That blessed tiny life that you had inside you for such a short time was yet a life and you must grieve and then put that experience in the special place in your heart and go forward dear Amy... and you know that taking any action backward as far as your recovery is concerned though understandable to some would not be doing justice to that tiny life or to the family that you have now... and esp it would not bare well to the wonderful strong woman that I and those of us here know that you are....
However, even though using shouldnt ever be an option.. I had an experience this weekend that I will not go into but someone said something to me that for some reason struck a nerve.... it is was simply this.... 'if you do choose (and it is a choice..) to use to ease your pain and dispair you know that (we.. in this case this board) you know that I am here to help you start over and pick up the pieces.... You are not alone. "
Dear Amy, I believe in you and I know that you will handle this the best you can and you have the tools to do what you must to stay clean... please keep reaching out and walking through this pain....
Love ya..
Teresa
