No One Who Knows Me To Talk To

This melancholic feeling , where I suddenly start remembering and feeling things from way way back, and try to squeeze some meaning out of, is something I now recognize as an aspect of my WD's. I find myself thinking of the friends I have had as a child, and the few as an adult , and then really thinking about who the people where that really knew the real me.

When all is said and done, there is something real important about that. If I'm not making a lot of sense, I just need to say something to someone somewhere that can somehow understand (and care at least a little ) what I am talking about.

I now know the reality is that I am getting old, and I cant say my life has been a total f.up because of drugs. It hasnt. But eventually consequences have to catch up with you, no matter how good you try to be,, or how smart, or how moral (even if an addict) and suddenly nothing seems to work right.

Anyway I decided yesterday or the day before (Tomorrrow, or is it yesterday, who needs sleep, it just gets in the way .....<part of a song I wrote way back about speed, imitating the tune of a beatles song>)--anyway I put myself on a detox wait list---I was trying to get thru till after Christmas, knowing it would be hard on my wife since the year before last I spent all the holidays in thes hospitol.

But I woke up sick, like the day before & on & on, & taking pills to get off E, because it was becoming endless, and I said I can't do this anymore. Christmas is important, but this is more. I hope when it is over that I will really be able to learn to live.

I know there was a time in my life where it was not always a joy, but there was a thing there, a spark, and I found pleasure in many things. It is so easy to con myself & even a Dr or a shrink while I seem to being honest, & somehow walk out with scripts for int ead of narcotics, adderal, or provigal, or dexedrine, and getting my false enthusiasim that way.

I look at myself, when I was younger, I was somehow more resilant. I could find legit ways to make $, take care of my family, & on & on & I realize at this point, if I cant get something right, I can amount to become nothing more than a burdern, which as much as I love them, I will not allow myself to be.

I WISH i COULD MAGICALLY get into somekind of honest group therapy session with all the past people from days gone by. Yes , I know I am talking insanity---and in two weeks I will look at this and think what a schmuck I am for writing it.

The idea of kinda simply vanishing, and curling up 'in the cozy brown snow of the east' (Lou Reed) and becoming some anonymous person outside society, chasing the tamborine man, and letting the future and past dissapear, is insanely appealing. But if you cary that thought u know that is fantastic, nonsense.

If anyone is picking up that I am a daner to myself here, I'm not. Im just talkin, cause if I was gonna really give up like that i would have a long time ago.

The good news, Im going to do something and I have taken a step. Anyday, I will get some treatment, & can get things going.
I don't know what your thing was with sub, if you were having issues, or what, but...there is no shame in needing and taking medication. The relapse rate for abstinent opiate addicts is just so, so high.

It breaks my heart to see people beating themselves up, living only halfway, on and off pills, miserable, for years or forever, when there is treatment available. You are so not alone. So much of what you are feeling is due to a chemical imbalance in your brain that sub was correcting for you, at least to a great extent, at least allowing you to live. I know there are side effects, I know there is a downside. But what you are experiencing now is what happens when you stop taking your meds.

Of course you have to do what is best for you. I just want you and anyone else in the same boat to see the pattern here. What's that saying about the definition of insanity being when you keep trying the same thing over and over expecting a different result? How many times have you been where you are now? There are worse things than medication.
You are a kind person and I agree with what you have to say. I would say the same to someone else. Sometimes things look the same , but are different. To tell you the truth, what I am trying now is different than what I have tried before. I have been on sub long enough and might be ok with being on it forever if I could - but the reality is, I am not sure I need to and I am sure I simply can no longer come up with the money to- cover it.

I never did a 'voluntairy(sp)' detox before. But now I am where I am and it is what it is, and I have to do something.

I have no moral or pragmatic or NA like objection to people using methadone or suboxone or whatever else they need to be able to live a decent life.

So you are 100 percent right, and very kind and nice & I thank you for your words.
we love our browndog.love to you poopie,you are such a good writer,within.
Browndog...refresh my memory...I can't seem to remember, but didn't you jump at like 2 mgs of sub and have been experiencing wd's for awhile now? I know I read that about someone on here so I may have you mixed up with another person.

Also, I totally get that you do not want to stay on sub forever. Not only because of the cost but to be able to live a life without having to rely on meds. (FYI... I also think that if someone chooses to stay on it indefinately that it is o.k. too)

It sounds like you have a plan and putting it into action so I wish you much luck. It takes courage to get help and you seem to have a lot of that!!

Edited to say: I found your intial post about when you jumped etc. So, you don't have to answer that question now...lol