I've been going back and reading so many posts over the past few days. I keep seeing your emails and I think you've got some really insightful things to say. I mean, I realize everyone has something to contribute when they write in, but you sound like you've been "there and back", if you know what I mean. I guess I was just wondering what you were on before, you know? I also think that your emails PROVE that even the most inteligent, well-spoken, and good-hearted of a person can be have this disease. Yes, it truly can grab anyone, right?
Just an observation:) Keep writing in!!!
VERY Sincerely,
REB
Het REB, you're kind. Don't know if I've been there and back, but I've sure spent some time with the disease of addiction. Lost my father and brother to it; trying my best not to go down the same road, or at least not so far down the same road.
I was taking Norco 10s (hydro) at the end of my last run. A lot of them. 20-30 a day. It's amazing how high your tolerance can go when you've got several accounts at online pharmacies and a credit card with a high credit limit. That was as bad as it ever got for me. I had never been a daily user before that, but I had relapsed twice in the previous 13 years -- once over taking 3 pills, once for buying a bunch of OTC codeine over the course of several months when I was doing a lot of international travel. I put the drink down in March 1991 and never looked back. Pain pills have been a different story.
I am a very lucky man. I have a great family, a wife of 18 years and two teens. I have a high-paying and secure job, a house, two cars in the garage, coach youth sports and teach part-time at a top 10 law school. The insanity of addiction is this (for me): I could easily throw it all away tomorrow IF I forget that one (scrip, pill, etc.) is never enough, and one is always too much. I have proven that to myself the hard way, over time.
Well, you asked what my story was and probably got more than you bargained for! lol Glad to have you on the Board, REB. M.
I was taking Norco 10s (hydro) at the end of my last run. A lot of them. 20-30 a day. It's amazing how high your tolerance can go when you've got several accounts at online pharmacies and a credit card with a high credit limit. That was as bad as it ever got for me. I had never been a daily user before that, but I had relapsed twice in the previous 13 years -- once over taking 3 pills, once for buying a bunch of OTC codeine over the course of several months when I was doing a lot of international travel. I put the drink down in March 1991 and never looked back. Pain pills have been a different story.
I am a very lucky man. I have a great family, a wife of 18 years and two teens. I have a high-paying and secure job, a house, two cars in the garage, coach youth sports and teach part-time at a top 10 law school. The insanity of addiction is this (for me): I could easily throw it all away tomorrow IF I forget that one (scrip, pill, etc.) is never enough, and one is always too much. I have proven that to myself the hard way, over time.
Well, you asked what my story was and probably got more than you bargained for! lol Glad to have you on the Board, REB. M.
I KNEW it:) Actually, I was wondering about this today (TOOTH IS STILL BAD) as I was lying around in sheer pain and stuff! (Really, this tooth thing hit at a very bad time. I mean, I feel like I was almost to the finish line or something). Anyway, I was telling my better half about how I've been reading and "chatting" away on this site and how I suspected that there was someone on there who seemed to be ALL opposites of everything people think about drug use in general. I mean, I always considered myself an exception or something! Yeah, right!!!!
Seriously, it's hard to find someone who seems to have alot of everything, but can admit to such a "shameful" problem. Does that make sense?
I had everything going for me when it first started. I even watched as my twin sister went through the very same things as I did. But I kept denying it or something. It soon hit home that one pill would too many and a SEA full of them would never be enough after I had lost everything I had. And while I didn't have much to speak of, I knew that I had worked damn hard to be where I was. I was 22 when this mess really started. My family (while very nice) was also VERY poor. It was hard in school for me and I don't think I ever fully recovered. I went to the "alternative" school at the ripe age of sixteen just so I could work a full time job. I took care of me and my sister when no one else would. I did so much for myself and I think I took it all for granted somehow. I mean, how in the world did I get from nothing, into SOMEBODY, and then right back to where I started? I don't know what went wrong, but I remember the day I took my first vicodin. I remember thinking it was so nice to be so confident, happy, and just flat-out high when everything else kept on crumbling around me. I didn't have to hold the world up by myself anymore. Now there was something else with me, you know? Anyway, having my daughter was a nice way of staying on vicodin for a long time. I couldn't take the morphine (sp?) they gave me boat-loads of at the hospital, but I could take that damn vicodin. Yeah, all of a sudden I was married, a mother, miserable, and so young all at the same time. I simply could not handle it. I wanted to be free from ME and the BORING person I had become. I mean, how on earth does someone convince themselves that they are OK and that life isn't what they see right at that moment? I don't think you can.
Alright, that's more than I wanted to write about the "good old days". I just think it's important that EVERYONE be aware that this disease knows no discrimination, you know? Anyone, anywhere, anytime-that's where you'll find people with a narcotic problem. I was always so surprised at just how many nurses, teachers, and just everyday REAL PEOPLE were in the methadone line with me. I guess I always thought that these people had some kind of invisible protection against them or something. But I could not have been more wrong. It made me aware!!!! I'm not quite sure how else to describe it. I did know that I had to get out and FAST. I'm so proud that I've been off the methadone for as long as I have, but I'm worried about the damn pills. I can't seem to get away from them. Why is taking a pill so much "safer" than drinking or using a more obvious drug. I think deep down I still believe that it's ok or something. I can't say that I know how I'm going to handle this in the future and that really scares me. I wish I knew, but I know I don't. At least, not yet anyway.
Your story RELIEVED me so much and I'm rambling right now because of it, but I sincerely hope that there's at least one reader who "gets it". I mean, if there's at least one, then I might make it out of it and be able to live with myself. I do want to know something. I cannot bring myself to pose this question to the million dollar psychologist who has been "treating" me since July, but maybe I can ask you (or anyone else for that matter). What do you do after? When does the boredom of life STOP being so boring? I mean, I love my daughter and the people around me, I just can't seem to "get into anything" right now. Is this feeling normal for the stage I'm at right now? I guess that's like asking when is recovery OVER. But that's something my heart already knows, right?
Thanks for talking and listening. Somewhere, there's a very small person at their keyboard typing her heart out. I need this so badly and I can't get anyone to listen or understand it.
Good luck to you. Your experience has made a difference in someone's life:) Please know that- NO MATTER WHAT.
Sincerely,
REB
Seriously, it's hard to find someone who seems to have alot of everything, but can admit to such a "shameful" problem. Does that make sense?
I had everything going for me when it first started. I even watched as my twin sister went through the very same things as I did. But I kept denying it or something. It soon hit home that one pill would too many and a SEA full of them would never be enough after I had lost everything I had. And while I didn't have much to speak of, I knew that I had worked damn hard to be where I was. I was 22 when this mess really started. My family (while very nice) was also VERY poor. It was hard in school for me and I don't think I ever fully recovered. I went to the "alternative" school at the ripe age of sixteen just so I could work a full time job. I took care of me and my sister when no one else would. I did so much for myself and I think I took it all for granted somehow. I mean, how in the world did I get from nothing, into SOMEBODY, and then right back to where I started? I don't know what went wrong, but I remember the day I took my first vicodin. I remember thinking it was so nice to be so confident, happy, and just flat-out high when everything else kept on crumbling around me. I didn't have to hold the world up by myself anymore. Now there was something else with me, you know? Anyway, having my daughter was a nice way of staying on vicodin for a long time. I couldn't take the morphine (sp?) they gave me boat-loads of at the hospital, but I could take that damn vicodin. Yeah, all of a sudden I was married, a mother, miserable, and so young all at the same time. I simply could not handle it. I wanted to be free from ME and the BORING person I had become. I mean, how on earth does someone convince themselves that they are OK and that life isn't what they see right at that moment? I don't think you can.
Alright, that's more than I wanted to write about the "good old days". I just think it's important that EVERYONE be aware that this disease knows no discrimination, you know? Anyone, anywhere, anytime-that's where you'll find people with a narcotic problem. I was always so surprised at just how many nurses, teachers, and just everyday REAL PEOPLE were in the methadone line with me. I guess I always thought that these people had some kind of invisible protection against them or something. But I could not have been more wrong. It made me aware!!!! I'm not quite sure how else to describe it. I did know that I had to get out and FAST. I'm so proud that I've been off the methadone for as long as I have, but I'm worried about the damn pills. I can't seem to get away from them. Why is taking a pill so much "safer" than drinking or using a more obvious drug. I think deep down I still believe that it's ok or something. I can't say that I know how I'm going to handle this in the future and that really scares me. I wish I knew, but I know I don't. At least, not yet anyway.
Your story RELIEVED me so much and I'm rambling right now because of it, but I sincerely hope that there's at least one reader who "gets it". I mean, if there's at least one, then I might make it out of it and be able to live with myself. I do want to know something. I cannot bring myself to pose this question to the million dollar psychologist who has been "treating" me since July, but maybe I can ask you (or anyone else for that matter). What do you do after? When does the boredom of life STOP being so boring? I mean, I love my daughter and the people around me, I just can't seem to "get into anything" right now. Is this feeling normal for the stage I'm at right now? I guess that's like asking when is recovery OVER. But that's something my heart already knows, right?
Thanks for talking and listening. Somewhere, there's a very small person at their keyboard typing her heart out. I need this so badly and I can't get anyone to listen or understand it.
Good luck to you. Your experience has made a difference in someone's life:) Please know that- NO MATTER WHAT.
Sincerely,
REB
REB, thanks for sharing your experience so honestly. I find these types of posts so helpful. We all think we're unique in someway, and we are as individuals, but not when it comes to addiction. The disease doesn't discriminate between age, gender, socio-economic status, any of that.
As to your question, it really does get better in terms of the fatigue, listlessness, lack of motivation, etc. Give yourself a break for a while. The pills, meth, whatever have dulled the senses. The neurotransmitters and synapses aren't firing properly yet. Also, at least for me, it was easy to grow reliant on pain pills for all my pleasure/relief/relaxation, and it took a while to actually remember that other things in life COULD be enjoyable again. It was kind of an amazing moment when, after a few weeks clean, I caught myself laughing genuinely for the first time. You know, the kind of laugh that comes from the gut? It gets better REB. Just hang in, have faith, and know you're on the right path. Peace, M.
As to your question, it really does get better in terms of the fatigue, listlessness, lack of motivation, etc. Give yourself a break for a while. The pills, meth, whatever have dulled the senses. The neurotransmitters and synapses aren't firing properly yet. Also, at least for me, it was easy to grow reliant on pain pills for all my pleasure/relief/relaxation, and it took a while to actually remember that other things in life COULD be enjoyable again. It was kind of an amazing moment when, after a few weeks clean, I caught myself laughing genuinely for the first time. You know, the kind of laugh that comes from the gut? It gets better REB. Just hang in, have faith, and know you're on the right path. Peace, M.
