23 year old son with heroin addiction, this is my first post here and I won't rehash our story as everyone here could probably recite it word for word, what with thefts and jail and pawn shops and rehab and detox, more thefts, lies, etc etc. I just need some words of support right now because after a bad week of him just walking off a good job (that he loved!), stealing from his employer and pawing the tools, taking his dad's truck without permission, stealing OUR stuff again and pawning it, we told him he can't come back. I told him we can't do anything to help him because he's not willing to do the hard work of recovery and we can't do it for him. And you know what? I WOULD do it if it made him clean. But I can't. Nothing we do works.
I refused to come get him yesterday to take him to court for a traffic violation from earlier this summer. We were going to take him but he took the truck and our stuff, and when he came back, I was at work, he and his dad went at it and he took off. He texted me from a friend's phone later about court and I said no. Omg, that was hard. I sat there and cried while doing it because I know that's just getting him in more trouble but I'm so weary of trying to rescue someone who won't even hold on to the flotation device.
I don't know where he slept last night. I don't know how he's getting water or if he's eating. I try to keep my mind from going in these circles but I'm sure you all know it's impossible not to. And I'm bracing myself for a call or visit from the police that his body has been found - killed in a deal gone bad or OD. There's really no where for him to go. Two rehab centers in the state and you have to be in jail and sentenced to one. No voluntary ones. No real outpatient centers. No shelters (there's only emergency shelter in churches in the winter when the temps drop below a certain point, I did some cooking for them last winter. Nothing permanent.) There really is nowhere in our state for someone to go and admit themselves for drug treatment, even when they are ready to get clean. It's a sad situation all around. I sit here consumed with anxiety and worry and I need to stay strong for when he contacts me again with his I'm-so-sorrys and I-won't-do-it-agains because, BTDT. For both my husband and I's health, for our sanity, for our marriage, and for our son, we have to get off this crazy roller coaster. What keeps you strong, those of your who had to remove your addict from your home, when your child calls you wanting to come home, needing to eat, to bathe, etc?
The only thing that keeps me strong is the story of other addicts who kicked it when they found bottom, there was no one left to help them but themselves. I have to keep myself really busy and focused on anything I can, but him, even if for 10 mins.
I have taken up a hobby here and there, tried doing new things, painted the whole upstairs of my house anything to stay busy and I am actually so looking forward to coming off of summer break so work and a schedule will start again!
Know that their are so many of us out here and we are all willing to lend an ear and know what you are going through. This site has kept me going and gave me a place to go to get support.
When I think I may break I read another post and know I am doing the right thing.
I have taken up a hobby here and there, tried doing new things, painted the whole upstairs of my house anything to stay busy and I am actually so looking forward to coming off of summer break so work and a schedule will start again!
Know that their are so many of us out here and we are all willing to lend an ear and know what you are going through. This site has kept me going and gave me a place to go to get support.
When I think I may break I read another post and know I am doing the right thing.
I have to decide now what I will or will not do. I'm willing to take him his backpack with clothes in it. I don't see that as enabling. I'm also willing to buy him a water bottle. Beyond that....? I need to draw my lines now so I know when he calls.
Dear justidedtea,
I think providing a backpack with clothes and a water bottle are OK. I have been in similar circumstances and have been willing to provide used clothes, a warm coat, or a sleeping back.
I commend you for halting the enabling. I know how gut-wrenching this is. Are you involved in Al Anon or NAR Anon? I sense that your everyday emotions - up, down, and sideways - are tied to how the addict is doing. You don't need to live this way. Find a good family supporrt program. Al Anon, NAR Anon, or one of the programs offered in churches (Celebrate Recovery, Overcomers, etc.). This will help you be a healthy as possible, and free you from the fear and anxiety from circumstances for which you have no control. These programs also help with the question of enabling. When the consequences of the addict's actions fall squarely on the addict, then the odds of him choosing recovery increase. Addict's often have a real low "bottom" so it's best not to get caught up in that downward journey yourself.
When your son wants recovery, he will find it. It is up to him, and him alone. There is nothing you can do in this regard.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope this helps. Flyboy.
I think providing a backpack with clothes and a water bottle are OK. I have been in similar circumstances and have been willing to provide used clothes, a warm coat, or a sleeping back.
I commend you for halting the enabling. I know how gut-wrenching this is. Are you involved in Al Anon or NAR Anon? I sense that your everyday emotions - up, down, and sideways - are tied to how the addict is doing. You don't need to live this way. Find a good family supporrt program. Al Anon, NAR Anon, or one of the programs offered in churches (Celebrate Recovery, Overcomers, etc.). This will help you be a healthy as possible, and free you from the fear and anxiety from circumstances for which you have no control. These programs also help with the question of enabling. When the consequences of the addict's actions fall squarely on the addict, then the odds of him choosing recovery increase. Addict's often have a real low "bottom" so it's best not to get caught up in that downward journey yourself.
When your son wants recovery, he will find it. It is up to him, and him alone. There is nothing you can do in this regard.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope this helps. Flyboy.
I went to NA for a few months but it was all I could do to not start bawling the entire meeting. And the few times I did try to speak, I did break down and couldn't get much out of my mouth. Every time.
This form will also offer you lots of support, When I think I have been thru it all and heard it all I can always come here and read someone's story. I come here everyday for inspiration and a reminder that "Some" of our children really do recover. I have learned so much about addiction, so much more than I ever really even wanted to know. I to was/is an enabler. I try my best not to but sometimes I slip up. Another thing I have done is ask my son to call me once a day, so I can tell him I Love him and to know he is still alive. I do not have a conversation with with him because I am not interested in hearing about his day as a user. This may be selfish of me but I do sleep better at night. As parents this is also our new normal. Stay strong and believe that recovery is possible for those that truly want it.
