I have just found this messge board and it has helped me already as this feels like a lonely place being a parents of someone who is into the drugs scene; i don't know if my son is an addict but all I know is that he keeps stealing from us and other family members; that he has no empathy for his victims and that he used to be a lovely boy, a live wire, bit of a mischief but kind hearted and now he seems feral, homeless but always has money,
I think you will hear 100% - that he is using drugs - "Always has money" - that's a new one.... maybe he is selling too and temporarily has money. Batten down the hatches! stop giving money or things. put a lock on a closet door and start hiding valuables - or store anything you dont want to loose at another location. Put ALL of your jewelry away. If he is driving your cars - STOP.... you do not want to be responsible for accidents, injuries. keep reading - some helpful posts have been bumped up....
our stories are emotional, but at least we can vent and share without leaning on coworkers, family and friends.
If you think your son is into drugs, GO - AS FAST AS YOU CAN - to a AlAnon or NarAnon meetings -- you will get quick help and support face to face. sometimesNarAnon meetings are hard to find - they are usually once a week? not every day? we mistakingly went to a NA meeting for addicts the first time. lol --- the meetings are a BIG help - so you feel like you are doing something.
also found good reading material that reinforces that the addicted loved one needs to take care of themselves and YOU need to take care of YOU -- or you will disappear and have nothing left.
It is easiest if he is NOT living at home. It is very hard to stop enabling if he is living under your roof.
our stories are emotional, but at least we can vent and share without leaning on coworkers, family and friends.
If you think your son is into drugs, GO - AS FAST AS YOU CAN - to a AlAnon or NarAnon meetings -- you will get quick help and support face to face. sometimesNarAnon meetings are hard to find - they are usually once a week? not every day? we mistakingly went to a NA meeting for addicts the first time. lol --- the meetings are a BIG help - so you feel like you are doing something.
also found good reading material that reinforces that the addicted loved one needs to take care of themselves and YOU need to take care of YOU -- or you will disappear and have nothing left.
It is easiest if he is NOT living at home. It is very hard to stop enabling if he is living under your roof.
Yes you are right, we have had to move him out (in January) for the sake of our other children and our mental health; he isn't even 19 yet ......we were paying for accommodation but he stole from people there so he had to leave.....reading these stories i realise we have been 'enabling' as you call it....trying to be a safety net but that hasn't helped....we are waiting for him to be arrested as he has committed so many offences......that will be a relief although only temporary I know....thanks to anyone who responds.....
If he'stealing....he's most likely pawning or fencing depending upon the item...re...the money...could be dealing too...but then...we all do that here an there...need more to go on than thieving though to say if he's using or not...
Yes, I wonder if he is addicted to a lifestyle rather than drugs, I know he is using a lot of weed, I don't know if I would find it easier to say that he was an addict as a way to explain how lawless he has become because I can't make sense of it, when he was 17 he said 'mum, you have brought me up to know right and wrong but i am going my own way'....it is tough on his baby sister as they were so close....it is tough on his brother as he keeps taking his stuff.....it is a dark shadow across our family life and I don' t see an end to it any time soon........I still think he is vulnerable and maybe out of his depth but I realise he has got to sort it, we can't do it for him, people say 'love is enough' but I don' t think that is always true.....
Criminal behaviors are well related to addict behaviors.. ..sometimes even those who are clean stay addicted to the life...it's the thrill...outlaw mentality. .acceptance...it's simpler in some ways...some of us enjoy it.. .and just can't and won't be put in societies box...wish I could be of more help...your welcome here regardless...
Peace
Con
Peace
Con
Sad61
I hear you live enough is nothing. I've enabled so long until I found this site. All of the people hear has giving me strength. Stealing, using pills, using detox and rehabs as hotels cause he's homeless. Can't work or don't want to work. I see my son running back and forth and back again. Always asking for money, food, etc...but has money to hang out and have fun. I've been through the mill for a while until I found this site and all the supportive people here. I cracked down took some time cause my son was getting it that I was no longer gonna give money and things no more. Even when I've given stuff and money I would never be enough. On Thursday he came for money $2. Just just two dollars sounds so petty and stupid that I didn't give it. But I've learned that he has to work for his money like anyone else. He's mad and not talking to me blocked me on all social media which I'm glad in a sense cause I don't have to see the stupid comments he puts up to get attention. It's hard thinking that he can get mad at for $2. But if that's the case then that's ok. If he'll do good and show me then it's worth it. Cause his life is more precious than our relationship. It's not about my life and happiness. I want him to get better, do better, be happy, and enjoy a productive life style. Working and earning what he wants. I will continue to pray for my son.
Dee
I hear you live enough is nothing. I've enabled so long until I found this site. All of the people hear has giving me strength. Stealing, using pills, using detox and rehabs as hotels cause he's homeless. Can't work or don't want to work. I see my son running back and forth and back again. Always asking for money, food, etc...but has money to hang out and have fun. I've been through the mill for a while until I found this site and all the supportive people here. I cracked down took some time cause my son was getting it that I was no longer gonna give money and things no more. Even when I've given stuff and money I would never be enough. On Thursday he came for money $2. Just just two dollars sounds so petty and stupid that I didn't give it. But I've learned that he has to work for his money like anyone else. He's mad and not talking to me blocked me on all social media which I'm glad in a sense cause I don't have to see the stupid comments he puts up to get attention. It's hard thinking that he can get mad at for $2. But if that's the case then that's ok. If he'll do good and show me then it's worth it. Cause his life is more precious than our relationship. It's not about my life and happiness. I want him to get better, do better, be happy, and enjoy a productive life style. Working and earning what he wants. I will continue to pray for my son.
Dee
My son came home today and agreed that we could ring the police to come and arrest him, so I made him a meal and we talked about how hard it will be to turn his life around but that it can be done; it was a relief to see him go off with the police and I can feel myself wanting to be optimistic that this will be the start of something different, my husband thinks I'm clutching at straws and I probably am....thanks for listening out there, we are christians so we will just keep praying that he will make better decisions....
We all clutch at straws and are hopeful for our addicts. Some do turn things around early on and some never do. Be cautiously optimist but don't forget that it might not happen. Many parents here have given their addicts fresh starts and help that went on way too long because we wanted to give them opportunities for change. This can evolve and become enabling. They are good at saying what we want to hear. Just be careful you don't let hope blind you to what is real. I hope things work out well with your son.
re: "this feels like a lonely place" -- I was listening to an interview w a person about grief. the person said grief is like a Secret Community. people who have not gone thru it, dont really know how it feels. I thought - it is like us, a Secret Community - in the life of addiction. unless someone has live thru it - they can be sympathetic and understanding, they know it goes on, but they do not feel it on a daily basis.
so true, they simply don't have a clue ... I always had to have somebody who was addict himself as person who is trying to help me with my addiction (nobody can know really until experienced himself) I believe I am wrong in this but cant help it
Yes, I was so wrong to get my hopes up, he has broken into his grandads and also our motor home today......just at our wits end, we can't relax and when will it end? Eighteen years of love and care and then this is our daily hassle when we get home from work....
I completely understand how disturbing it is when they steal. When my son was a little younger than yours, we had a lock on our bedroom door hoping to keep the few good things we had from being stolen. One day we came home from work and the door trim looked a bit strange. The door was still locked but, after careful inspection, we figured out that he had taken the door trim off to get into our bedroom. He put it all back together thinking we would never notice. Important things had been stolen and were never recovered. It is no fun to come home from work and find bad surprises. There was another time he took my keys and borrowed my car without permission. He didnt even have a drivers license at the time and I am not sure if he drove it or he borrowed it for someone else to drive. We did recover the car in one piece but it hurt my heart that I couldnt trust him anymore. That transportation was my way to work so I could feed the family and pay the bills. I never had a family member that I couldn't trust and this was my own son! Trust lost is hard to ever get back.
Hi sad--
Well,obviously the police didn't charge him or keep him and he turned right around and repeated the thefts and breaking and entering again.
Don't know what country you live in, but in the U.S. if he is 18 --he is an adult and parents have no legal rights any longer. I think it sounds like he just agreed to get arrested because he thought that would make you think he was going to change---WRONG!
He is on a path to self-destruction and it will continue unless you make changes. We didn't make changes and stop enabling our son when he was that age and now we have a 46 y/o addicted and estranged son. As they say--nothing changes if nothing changes!
You can let him know that you know he broke into your camper and his granddads and that if he comes on your property again you will call the police and then do it! You should secure as much of your things( jewelry, valuables, home, etc.) and lock everything up or store somewhere else safe. I would install an alarm and security system as well if you can.
Don't know what type of rehabs or facilities you have available where you are ,but I would let him know that until he makes better choices you will no longer be a part of this drama and will prosecute if he does this again. I would not enable him in any way or give him one cent! Don't worry about him finding a place to live, etc. they always do. If he becomes verbally abusive--hang up or block his calls.
It is so sad to see this happen to our kids especially when they are so young, but if you don't stand firm now you will be doing these same exact things till your dying day! If you really want to help your son then detach with love, don't enable him in any way, go to Alanon or Narcanon mtgs. for support, and stay on this forum for advice because we have all been there and done that!
(((HUGS))) and prayers --Lori
Well,obviously the police didn't charge him or keep him and he turned right around and repeated the thefts and breaking and entering again.
Don't know what country you live in, but in the U.S. if he is 18 --he is an adult and parents have no legal rights any longer. I think it sounds like he just agreed to get arrested because he thought that would make you think he was going to change---WRONG!
He is on a path to self-destruction and it will continue unless you make changes. We didn't make changes and stop enabling our son when he was that age and now we have a 46 y/o addicted and estranged son. As they say--nothing changes if nothing changes!
You can let him know that you know he broke into your camper and his granddads and that if he comes on your property again you will call the police and then do it! You should secure as much of your things( jewelry, valuables, home, etc.) and lock everything up or store somewhere else safe. I would install an alarm and security system as well if you can.
Don't know what type of rehabs or facilities you have available where you are ,but I would let him know that until he makes better choices you will no longer be a part of this drama and will prosecute if he does this again. I would not enable him in any way or give him one cent! Don't worry about him finding a place to live, etc. they always do. If he becomes verbally abusive--hang up or block his calls.
It is so sad to see this happen to our kids especially when they are so young, but if you don't stand firm now you will be doing these same exact things till your dying day! If you really want to help your son then detach with love, don't enable him in any way, go to Alanon or Narcanon mtgs. for support, and stay on this forum for advice because we have all been there and done that!
(((HUGS))) and prayers --Lori
