disclosure: my son is not doing as well as I thought. he has not been paying rent for a few months... guess where rent $ has been going.... he is functioning, still working, still battling anxiety, and starvation, etc.... wants to go back to a program/facility.... but I think that is just so he can have 3 meals and not deal with daily life..... dummy me gave him $ for food before I put all the pieces together. it is just sad bc I thought he was making progress.... he did talk to me about options, maybe that is progress.
I am following PB advice - Go to meetings - rehab is just a start - abstinence is the only way to quit.
His decision is that he goes back to halfway house - good support system and tv and internet for $800 per month. or stay where he is at 600 per month (but this might go down to 450 per mo as someone is leaving and he can rent a cheaper room) - and go to meetings - which he has not been going to .
If he goes to HWH - He wont be able to afford $800 per mo. I will have to supplement. But long term might be beneficial bc of the support.
I dont want to supplement rent.... i would rather pay for his health insurance - which he has none.
maybe I should tell him to stay where he is, pay less rent, go to meetings, stop buying drugs off the street....
Thank you all for your postings.
Rehab to recovery is like Kindergarten to education.
He has to quit trying to be the controller and surrender...
the hardest thing an addict/alcoholic can do
(We think someone will try to kill us while, all the time, we are killing ourselves)
Drinking/drugging wasn't my problem. my thinking was/is my problem.
I had to get clean/dry to begin to work on me.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily...?y=2016&m=1&d=2
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily...=2016&m=01&d=16
No where in The AA Promises does it say "You won't drink again"
Alcohol isn't even mentioned !!
http://www.tidewaterintergroup.org/...he_Promises.pdf
We truly have to see the problem before we can address it constructively.
All the best.
Bob R
He has to quit trying to be the controller and surrender...
the hardest thing an addict/alcoholic can do
(We think someone will try to kill us while, all the time, we are killing ourselves)
Drinking/drugging wasn't my problem. my thinking was/is my problem.
I had to get clean/dry to begin to work on me.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily...?y=2016&m=1&d=2
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily...=2016&m=01&d=16
No where in The AA Promises does it say "You won't drink again"
Alcohol isn't even mentioned !!
http://www.tidewaterintergroup.org/...he_Promises.pdf
We truly have to see the problem before we can address it constructively.
All the best.
Bob R
I am sorry about your son's relapse. It is so hard and disappointing to put together the pieces. Big Hug it's ok. We have all felt it and lived it. Personally I would lean towards the sober living its more controlled and will help him more in the long run. Of course if he does the work, which the sober living will help with. Going to smaller room for less still doesn't help him or make him go to meeting. At least the sober living has the requirements to go to meetings, and he will be with people that are in similar situations. Just my two cents which is worth about nothing :) Hugs and kisses hang in there we are all here when you need us.
So sad that he isn't doing well. I have been there way too many times. My son has been in a sober living home and in halfway homes. None helped and he would always do good for a short time and then right back where he started.
I think they have to want to change TOTALLY-- like PB and Con say. Otherwise no type of home or rehab works!
Praying for him and you!
((HUGS))
I think they have to want to change TOTALLY-- like PB and Con say. Otherwise no type of home or rehab works!
Praying for him and you!
((HUGS))
I'm sorry to hear this, NY. I always get worried when I don't hear from my son...that was my clue that things were amiss. I'm thinking of other posts I've seen - do you think there could be some manipulation going on? I mean, you've found out that he has not been paying rent, and now he wants to move to a different place that is more expensive and has the Internet and TV - did he ask you to help pay the difference?
I'm sorry to be cynical, but I don't think the hw house will make that much of a difference. It sounds like there is a perception that a change of scenery = achieving and/or maintaining sobriety when in fact, as we all know, the change has to be internal.
I think that the treatment plan would be the same in either setting, i.e. abstinence and support groups.
Those are my thoughts on the subject.
I'm sorry to be cynical, but I don't think the hw house will make that much of a difference. It sounds like there is a perception that a change of scenery = achieving and/or maintaining sobriety when in fact, as we all know, the change has to be internal.
I think that the treatment plan would be the same in either setting, i.e. abstinence and support groups.
Those are my thoughts on the subject.
Heavy traffic tonight...got my threads mixed up !
Buy ya...at least for me. ..wouldn't matter what place I was in...you got to want it...to want it...and then you only have to change everything to keep it...
Buy ya...at least for me. ..wouldn't matter what place I was in...you got to want it...to want it...and then you only have to change everything to keep it...
I will tell him to stay where he is. if I get stuck paying back rent I dont want it to be 800 per mo. i'd rather it be 450 per mo.
yes betw me and the land lord, I am going to pay 200 per mo until he is caught up. it is not the land lords fault. I am happy the land lord is letting him stay. (for the landlord easier to let him stay than find a new tenent.)
He can go to the hwh to talk to people that he knows from when he was there. a few months ago my husband talked to someone there, the person said JK can call or stop by any time. they will help him -- they help him by reinforcing that he has to do this himself. be responsible and accountable for his actions. take no $ from mom and actually start paying mom back for the years of support.... that's their business model. meetings and drug testing.
JK was there for 5 mo. did leave once and go back within a week. and then left and shorted them the last 2 wks rent - so he could pay the new rent and deposit.
He didnt like the rules. and he didnt like being hassled for rent that he was always behind in.
so.... if he goes to the hwh, he looses the 450 room - which is a good deal for rent. I told him he could afford internet and pay rent if he stops buying drugs on the street.
and if in a month he decides he doesnt like the rules at the hwh, then he wont be able to find the low rent again. most rents are above 650 for a room.
his pattern is not paying rent and then getting very anxious, cant sleep and then leaves.
he stays at a job for about a year, gets tired of it, gets new job. but in the past two years, issues have caught up to him... it isnt as easy to get a job... running out of options.
answer to someone's question: he did ask me to help with rent and to talk to his land lord. that's when I found out he was mostly not pay rent. .... so in the past 3 months when he has been saying "its so hard, not making enough to eat..." that is not true... we felt sorry for him bc we thought he was paying rent, but if he was not paying rent, he should have had plenty of $ to eat. He could have paid half of his rent and still had $ to eat...... therefore, the rent $ was going to drugs..... no $ to eat.
at the time of phone calls he would say it is like that for everyone he works with - that they are struggling financially, but they live at home or someone helps them....
on our last phone call this week, he implied that he has to change what he is doing, this isnt working, ...... I interpreted it to mean he has to stop doing drugs. he talked of getting medical coverage and going to a rehab again..... I have heard that that is a trick too.... make insurance pay for their room and board for a few months..... and so on. He talked of getting medical care to go to a dr. to get actual medicine bc he thinks he has a mental illness bc the drugs he buys on the street make him feel normal, that he does not get high from it. I think he could be correct - in his mind it looks that way.... but also it could be that the drugs produce side effects when he is withdrawling, and he thinks those are his real symptoms and then need to take the meds bc of the side effects, but thinks the meds are fixing the problem....
I just dont want to be stuck for paying for anymore than is absolutely necessary.
I am telling him to go to meetings and pay his rent and start showing me receipts - for rent, and pay stubs.... he usually does not follow through.
he does not follow through on any alternatives I suggest.. I just dont feel like he is participating in getting better . (I know, he's not) I want to make him participate.... (like I want to make pigs fly, haa haa)
PS - after I gave him $$ for food on tuesday, have not heard from him again.
he wants to eat his cake..... and have one too. :)
Another lesson learned....
Thanks for listening ! Late for work!!
yes betw me and the land lord, I am going to pay 200 per mo until he is caught up. it is not the land lords fault. I am happy the land lord is letting him stay. (for the landlord easier to let him stay than find a new tenent.)
He can go to the hwh to talk to people that he knows from when he was there. a few months ago my husband talked to someone there, the person said JK can call or stop by any time. they will help him -- they help him by reinforcing that he has to do this himself. be responsible and accountable for his actions. take no $ from mom and actually start paying mom back for the years of support.... that's their business model. meetings and drug testing.
JK was there for 5 mo. did leave once and go back within a week. and then left and shorted them the last 2 wks rent - so he could pay the new rent and deposit.
He didnt like the rules. and he didnt like being hassled for rent that he was always behind in.
so.... if he goes to the hwh, he looses the 450 room - which is a good deal for rent. I told him he could afford internet and pay rent if he stops buying drugs on the street.
and if in a month he decides he doesnt like the rules at the hwh, then he wont be able to find the low rent again. most rents are above 650 for a room.
his pattern is not paying rent and then getting very anxious, cant sleep and then leaves.
he stays at a job for about a year, gets tired of it, gets new job. but in the past two years, issues have caught up to him... it isnt as easy to get a job... running out of options.
answer to someone's question: he did ask me to help with rent and to talk to his land lord. that's when I found out he was mostly not pay rent. .... so in the past 3 months when he has been saying "its so hard, not making enough to eat..." that is not true... we felt sorry for him bc we thought he was paying rent, but if he was not paying rent, he should have had plenty of $ to eat. He could have paid half of his rent and still had $ to eat...... therefore, the rent $ was going to drugs..... no $ to eat.
at the time of phone calls he would say it is like that for everyone he works with - that they are struggling financially, but they live at home or someone helps them....
on our last phone call this week, he implied that he has to change what he is doing, this isnt working, ...... I interpreted it to mean he has to stop doing drugs. he talked of getting medical coverage and going to a rehab again..... I have heard that that is a trick too.... make insurance pay for their room and board for a few months..... and so on. He talked of getting medical care to go to a dr. to get actual medicine bc he thinks he has a mental illness bc the drugs he buys on the street make him feel normal, that he does not get high from it. I think he could be correct - in his mind it looks that way.... but also it could be that the drugs produce side effects when he is withdrawling, and he thinks those are his real symptoms and then need to take the meds bc of the side effects, but thinks the meds are fixing the problem....
I just dont want to be stuck for paying for anymore than is absolutely necessary.
I am telling him to go to meetings and pay his rent and start showing me receipts - for rent, and pay stubs.... he usually does not follow through.
he does not follow through on any alternatives I suggest.. I just dont feel like he is participating in getting better . (I know, he's not) I want to make him participate.... (like I want to make pigs fly, haa haa)
PS - after I gave him $$ for food on tuesday, have not heard from him again.
he wants to eat his cake..... and have one too. :)
Another lesson learned....
Thanks for listening ! Late for work!!
NYtoFL--
I have heard all the same things you are posting from your son! He was always short of money no matter what his living arrangement was or whatever. I THINK THEY READ THE SAME INSTRUCTION MANUAL!!
He would always hit me up with excuses like I needed to buy this or that,food, medicine, clothes, gas,etc. Of course all us moms want our kids to have food and medicine, etc. So I would cave in and get it or give him money. Later I would find out he used it for drugs or sold what I bought him to buy drugs.
He only worked when we pushed him and then quit very shortly. Was always the boss or another employee's fault. He always had a sob story about how the boss shorted him on his paycheck or paid someone else more etc. etc.
Personally, I wouldn't pay for anything anymore. If he is serious about getting clean--he will-- and he should do it without you having to pay for partial rent. As long as you do, he has money to buy drugs on the street.
Meetings are available to him and a sponsor will help him as well if he is serious. Helping him out even a little financially just slows down the process of him hitting bottom and figuring it out for himself. Right now it isn't necessary to do that because you are "helping" him to stay where he is!
Praying he makes better choices and for you to have strength and wisdom in this matter---
(((HUGS)))
I have heard all the same things you are posting from your son! He was always short of money no matter what his living arrangement was or whatever. I THINK THEY READ THE SAME INSTRUCTION MANUAL!!
He would always hit me up with excuses like I needed to buy this or that,food, medicine, clothes, gas,etc. Of course all us moms want our kids to have food and medicine, etc. So I would cave in and get it or give him money. Later I would find out he used it for drugs or sold what I bought him to buy drugs.
He only worked when we pushed him and then quit very shortly. Was always the boss or another employee's fault. He always had a sob story about how the boss shorted him on his paycheck or paid someone else more etc. etc.
Personally, I wouldn't pay for anything anymore. If he is serious about getting clean--he will-- and he should do it without you having to pay for partial rent. As long as you do, he has money to buy drugs on the street.
Meetings are available to him and a sponsor will help him as well if he is serious. Helping him out even a little financially just slows down the process of him hitting bottom and figuring it out for himself. Right now it isn't necessary to do that because you are "helping" him to stay where he is!
Praying he makes better choices and for you to have strength and wisdom in this matter---
(((HUGS)))
ps.=--
I loved the part about " everyone lives at home and gets help because they are struggling financially"!!! I have heard this soooo many times because we have never let him move back home! Thank God we didn't!
I loved the part about " everyone lives at home and gets help because they are struggling financially"!!! I have heard this soooo many times because we have never let him move back home! Thank God we didn't!
Hi NY,
I was reading your response and was struck by a comment that your son made - that he takes drugs to feel normal and that he doesn't get high from them. I remember when my son first got caught he had to take a class 4 evenings a week. One night a week the parents also had to attend. At one session the counselor told us that when adolescents first use they get high and as they continue to use that becomes their new "normal". They aren't using to get high anymore, they are doing it to feel normal. They can never catch their first high.
If your son needs insurance, is he eligible for ACA or Medicaid? That way you won't have to pay for insurance. Just a thought.
I was reading your response and was struck by a comment that your son made - that he takes drugs to feel normal and that he doesn't get high from them. I remember when my son first got caught he had to take a class 4 evenings a week. One night a week the parents also had to attend. At one session the counselor told us that when adolescents first use they get high and as they continue to use that becomes their new "normal". They aren't using to get high anymore, they are doing it to feel normal. They can never catch their first high.
If your son needs insurance, is he eligible for ACA or Medicaid? That way you won't have to pay for insurance. Just a thought.
Thanks for responding. It helps to hear that what my son is saying is the same as others. It makes me realize that he is not unique. and reminds me that what he says is not always what it is..
It is so hard to tell. He talks to me like he is asking for advice.... I encourage him. I help him out a bit to "get thru this until...." I forgot it is the same thing over and over.
He doesn't have the urgency in his voice that he used to have. so I did not think he was still using, although it was beginning to look that way.... problem is ya don't really know what they are doing until a few months later when you but the clues together.
about feeling "normal", yes that is what I thought afterwards, it is Their New Normal. what they are feeling that is not normal is the withdrawl or side effects. then when they take the drug, they feel normal bc they fed the craving and the symptoms they don't like, headache, aches and pains, insomnia, etc go away.
medical care - idk if he qualifies for state medical care. he is working full time at a restaurant. pay is low overall, tips are high and low, seasonal. On average - I am sure it is enough to pay rent and eat. but he seems not to be able to do either.... sigh...
I left the medical care for him to figure out for the past year..... hence - he has none.
Back to the drawing board.....
It is so hard to tell. He talks to me like he is asking for advice.... I encourage him. I help him out a bit to "get thru this until...." I forgot it is the same thing over and over.
He doesn't have the urgency in his voice that he used to have. so I did not think he was still using, although it was beginning to look that way.... problem is ya don't really know what they are doing until a few months later when you but the clues together.
about feeling "normal", yes that is what I thought afterwards, it is Their New Normal. what they are feeling that is not normal is the withdrawl or side effects. then when they take the drug, they feel normal bc they fed the craving and the symptoms they don't like, headache, aches and pains, insomnia, etc go away.
medical care - idk if he qualifies for state medical care. he is working full time at a restaurant. pay is low overall, tips are high and low, seasonal. On average - I am sure it is enough to pay rent and eat. but he seems not to be able to do either.... sigh...
I left the medical care for him to figure out for the past year..... hence - he has none.
Back to the drawing board.....
Ny
I'm sorry. I know you thought he was ok. It's sucks to find out that's not the case.
I understand how you feel... been there done that. I pray that he gets things turned
Around.
Zach is still in the Christian shelter. 8 days. I'm hoping he makes that one special person
Or opens his heart enough to let God in to guide him.
I'll be praying for you and your son
Hugs
PAULA
I'm sorry. I know you thought he was ok. It's sucks to find out that's not the case.
I understand how you feel... been there done that. I pray that he gets things turned
Around.
Zach is still in the Christian shelter. 8 days. I'm hoping he makes that one special person
Or opens his heart enough to let God in to guide him.
I'll be praying for you and your son
Hugs
PAULA
Parents need to realize that by paying for an adult addicts rent, food or ANYTHING else you are , in no uncertain terms, PAYING FOR THEIR DRUGS. You are continuing to fund their habit. I did the same thing to my poor dad. I spent my food and rent money on drugs BECAUSE I KNEW he would pay for rent and food. YOU ARE ALLOWING THEM TO CONTINUE TO USE....ON YOUR DIME!!!! Im just not understanding why people are NOT getting this. Why you keep doing the same thing over and over and over but are then are in complete and utter disgust when you find out NOTHING HAS CHANGED and your addict is still doing the same. WHY would they change? Did you all work your asses off your whole life to buy your kids drugs?
Jen I really appreciate you saying this. I am a parent that gets sucked in and I so desperately want to believe my love and help will be enough. I don't know a pain that compares to this. My son is 20... he was clean for almost a year and I had my son back! Tonight he had a tantrum in the grocery store, threw his drink in the freezer section causing a huge display not often seen from a 20 yr old. I found myself looking at a poor older lady and shrugging like I had no clue who he is as I continued on shopping. Why.... because I said no to him and his drug addicted girl friend from moving in so they can get clean. Now it's all my fault. Don't worry I'm not that gulable to believe that. I just struggle with not helping. I wish you were a voice in my ear everyday! Thank you
Just a MOM....You are welcome. I fear some won't see it the same. My anger got the best of me again. Ive been trying really hard to figure this out and Im thinking MAYBE its because of the anger towards MYSELF for
1. doing this with the father of my kids for YEARS and It NEVER changed a god damn thing..I bought into the bulls*** ...hook, line and sinker Over Over again. He really screwed up me and my kids and Im ANGRY at all those wasted lost years on him. Its been 20 YEARS! 21 treatments later (I lost count) He's STILL out there using. If someone can hold their newborn son in their arms and then proceed to get f***ed up....NO AMOUN OF LOVE CAN SAVE THEM.
2. turning into an addict myself and when reading your posts I relive ALL the terrible,painful, f***ed up things I turned around and did to MY PARENTS. The guilt and shame is overwhelming. My daddy started out by taking care of ( ENABLING) my alcoholic mother and then when she died and I went overboard and walked right into that role...and he enabled me. It was a perfect storm. UNTIL it wasn't.
Im truly sorry you are in so much pain. I wish I COULD take it away. I wish I COULD say its going to be all right. I wish I COULD say SORRY...SO GOD DAMN SORRY for all of you who go through this and be speaking for your addict. My parents are now gone. I was able to clean up enough to take care of both my parents when they died so I DO HAVE THAT. But my Mother should not have had to worry that I was "going to smoke up everything they worked for all these years".
Im just filled with so much guilt and regret and I think its coming out as anger. Its hard to understand that everytime you give in to an addict you are ESSENTIALLY "using " yourselves...you have RELAPSED...just like we do. You all say ITS SO HARD...yep I get it.
1. doing this with the father of my kids for YEARS and It NEVER changed a god damn thing..I bought into the bulls*** ...hook, line and sinker Over Over again. He really screwed up me and my kids and Im ANGRY at all those wasted lost years on him. Its been 20 YEARS! 21 treatments later (I lost count) He's STILL out there using. If someone can hold their newborn son in their arms and then proceed to get f***ed up....NO AMOUN OF LOVE CAN SAVE THEM.
2. turning into an addict myself and when reading your posts I relive ALL the terrible,painful, f***ed up things I turned around and did to MY PARENTS. The guilt and shame is overwhelming. My daddy started out by taking care of ( ENABLING) my alcoholic mother and then when she died and I went overboard and walked right into that role...and he enabled me. It was a perfect storm. UNTIL it wasn't.
Im truly sorry you are in so much pain. I wish I COULD take it away. I wish I COULD say its going to be all right. I wish I COULD say SORRY...SO GOD DAMN SORRY for all of you who go through this and be speaking for your addict. My parents are now gone. I was able to clean up enough to take care of both my parents when they died so I DO HAVE THAT. But my Mother should not have had to worry that I was "going to smoke up everything they worked for all these years".
Im just filled with so much guilt and regret and I think its coming out as anger. Its hard to understand that everytime you give in to an addict you are ESSENTIALLY "using " yourselves...you have RELAPSED...just like we do. You all say ITS SO HARD...yep I get it.
Ny
You are writing my story, sorry to say. My son did the same thing over and over again. His rent was 600 a month, with internet and cable and he was making 600 a week. He was overdrawn in bank account, he was late with rent. He was always begging for food.
He was in HWH and couldn't follow rules. Then he was toss on the street, because he was using. I still save the phone call from two years ago, he was crying, begging "Mom I need you'. I don't have a place to go, my back is broken, which is was,. He was high on flacka and thought he was superman.
The hardest thing I did, was not answer, not call back. Crawl into the shower and cried and didn't let anyone know, how hard it was to say no. How hard it was not to go get my baby and bring him home.
Don't pay rent, don't get it caught up, don't do anything. Because in the end you are the out of pocket and they are still using. I got the rent caught up, did his washing, stock his room up with food, clean towels. Everything paid phone for 1 year and still where is he? On the run with a warrant on his head. I lost , I lost the battle to drugs.
If he is serious in getting clean then he needs to go to a facility and really listen to the 'bs ' as he calls it. My son can recite it word from word. So he chose not to get clean.
My only advise from a gal who has done it all, listen to your head and not your heart , be strong for both of you,let him figure it out. Do not let him use emotional blackmail on you. Listen carefully to what he is actually saying. Something I only started doing until this year, before I believe him and choose not to believe my head.
HE needs a full time supervision. He will need at least min 6 months of rehab. In my opinion an addict cannot find sobriety while trying to function as citizen, i.e paying rent, working.
However there is limited places that will help addicts that don't cost a kidney. I do know churches offer help. I even put my son in Salvation army 90 detox and of course on the 95 day he started heroin again.
Think long and hard what is best for him, and enabling isn't ,like everyone else here, you will be paying for his drugs one way or another.
Good luck to you, I will keep you in my prayers that he makes that choice.
MTG,
My son says the same thing to me. I asked why are you still using, why do you keep changing your drug habbit. and first time he answer me the truth.
"Mom I will be always chasing that high I first got and I just can't seem to get it again' So until I do and he left it at that.
XXX
Sue
You are writing my story, sorry to say. My son did the same thing over and over again. His rent was 600 a month, with internet and cable and he was making 600 a week. He was overdrawn in bank account, he was late with rent. He was always begging for food.
He was in HWH and couldn't follow rules. Then he was toss on the street, because he was using. I still save the phone call from two years ago, he was crying, begging "Mom I need you'. I don't have a place to go, my back is broken, which is was,. He was high on flacka and thought he was superman.
The hardest thing I did, was not answer, not call back. Crawl into the shower and cried and didn't let anyone know, how hard it was to say no. How hard it was not to go get my baby and bring him home.
Don't pay rent, don't get it caught up, don't do anything. Because in the end you are the out of pocket and they are still using. I got the rent caught up, did his washing, stock his room up with food, clean towels. Everything paid phone for 1 year and still where is he? On the run with a warrant on his head. I lost , I lost the battle to drugs.
If he is serious in getting clean then he needs to go to a facility and really listen to the 'bs ' as he calls it. My son can recite it word from word. So he chose not to get clean.
My only advise from a gal who has done it all, listen to your head and not your heart , be strong for both of you,let him figure it out. Do not let him use emotional blackmail on you. Listen carefully to what he is actually saying. Something I only started doing until this year, before I believe him and choose not to believe my head.
HE needs a full time supervision. He will need at least min 6 months of rehab. In my opinion an addict cannot find sobriety while trying to function as citizen, i.e paying rent, working.
However there is limited places that will help addicts that don't cost a kidney. I do know churches offer help. I even put my son in Salvation army 90 detox and of course on the 95 day he started heroin again.
Think long and hard what is best for him, and enabling isn't ,like everyone else here, you will be paying for his drugs one way or another.
Good luck to you, I will keep you in my prayers that he makes that choice.
MTG,
My son says the same thing to me. I asked why are you still using, why do you keep changing your drug habbit. and first time he answer me the truth.
"Mom I will be always chasing that high I first got and I just can't seem to get it again' So until I do and he left it at that.
XXX
Sue
Jen, please don't apologize for your direct honesty. You are being truthful and sometimes the truth hurts. I wish I had someone like you giving me this advice (and the rationale) years ago, but then I probably would've thought, this doesn't apply to me - my son is different. We all think that our circumstances are different or unique. Maybe it's human nature to think so. I'm sorry for all of the guilt that you are feeling about your parents. I hope that you can forgive yourself. You are moving forward and learning from your past; I'm sure your parents can see this and are proud of the person you are.
NY, I have you and your family in my prayers. As parents we hate to see our children suffer or go without. Please stay strong!
Sue, I'm sorry to hear about your son. You are right in that it isn't up to us to help our addicted children stop using; it is their decision. - They know more than us how and when to get help.
It would drive me crazy when I didn't hear from either of my boys for extended periods of time. It sounds crazy, but I had a little mantra that I would recite to keep the worry at bay. I would tell myself, "my son(s) is/are very resourceful". That and lots of prayer. Turning it all over to God also helped immensely in relieving the worry. Prayers also for you and your family, and for everyone on this board.
NY, I have you and your family in my prayers. As parents we hate to see our children suffer or go without. Please stay strong!
Sue, I'm sorry to hear about your son. You are right in that it isn't up to us to help our addicted children stop using; it is their decision. - They know more than us how and when to get help.
It would drive me crazy when I didn't hear from either of my boys for extended periods of time. It sounds crazy, but I had a little mantra that I would recite to keep the worry at bay. I would tell myself, "my son(s) is/are very resourceful". That and lots of prayer. Turning it all over to God also helped immensely in relieving the worry. Prayers also for you and your family, and for everyone on this board.
GEEZE...... How did we all get on This Sign Up Sheet! I want to type the words from a card that someone sent to me in the past....
"They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well, what if you didn't sign up for extra-strength training? What if you'd rather catch a few breaks once in a while? Is that too much to ask? At some point, you'd think you'd be entitled to a free pass or two: Skip this challenge, Avoid that crisis, Delete those problems. Its not that you're not strong or that you don't have what it takes to get through this. You are , You do and You will. " (by Linda Barnes)
Reading all of your posts. idk what can be said that has not been said over and over by all of us
Maybe that is what we do.... go over and over it until it works, until we get it right, until we understand it. go over it again, try harder, etc... JEN this part of the enabler does sound like the same cycle the addict is on..... trying and trying and relapse and try ..... try harder this time.... etc.
you are all correct in your responses. Maybe when my son calls I think this is the turning point and how s***ty it would it be if I did not help him, and if he was clean and I didn't believe him and then he would be sad bc his mom wont feed him...... I KNOW IT SOUNDS REDICULOUS!
I'm doing self help analysis here....
I guess it is hard to let go of the child your kid could have been, or used to be. As someone posted - "I had my son back". we all just want to live happily ever after. And we know there are success stories and we want to be one of them.... maybe if my son stops soon, he wont have so many wasted years to look back on and feel guilty about......
OK -- I am just sharing..... I understand that I can not help anymore. I understand that if he is not buying drugs then he DOES have the resources to get out of this hole he is in - no matter how small his salary is.
Another problem I have is that I feel like If I say NO it will be a surprise, like he does not understand, BUT you have all told me he DOES Know what is going on.... HE DOES know that I am not supposed to help....
OK - back to not answering calls....
I do think I will email him with suggestions - Go to meetings, Go to hwh for support, go to Utube, go to websites for recovery , etc....
Hey - maybe us enablers are slow learners.... lol
Again - sorry for long posts. hope this one has been entertaining. hope I don't sound like a loony bird. It's been an emotional week.... LOL
"They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well, what if you didn't sign up for extra-strength training? What if you'd rather catch a few breaks once in a while? Is that too much to ask? At some point, you'd think you'd be entitled to a free pass or two: Skip this challenge, Avoid that crisis, Delete those problems. Its not that you're not strong or that you don't have what it takes to get through this. You are , You do and You will. " (by Linda Barnes)
Reading all of your posts. idk what can be said that has not been said over and over by all of us
Maybe that is what we do.... go over and over it until it works, until we get it right, until we understand it. go over it again, try harder, etc... JEN this part of the enabler does sound like the same cycle the addict is on..... trying and trying and relapse and try ..... try harder this time.... etc.
you are all correct in your responses. Maybe when my son calls I think this is the turning point and how s***ty it would it be if I did not help him, and if he was clean and I didn't believe him and then he would be sad bc his mom wont feed him...... I KNOW IT SOUNDS REDICULOUS!
I'm doing self help analysis here....
I guess it is hard to let go of the child your kid could have been, or used to be. As someone posted - "I had my son back". we all just want to live happily ever after. And we know there are success stories and we want to be one of them.... maybe if my son stops soon, he wont have so many wasted years to look back on and feel guilty about......
OK -- I am just sharing..... I understand that I can not help anymore. I understand that if he is not buying drugs then he DOES have the resources to get out of this hole he is in - no matter how small his salary is.
Another problem I have is that I feel like If I say NO it will be a surprise, like he does not understand, BUT you have all told me he DOES Know what is going on.... HE DOES know that I am not supposed to help....
OK - back to not answering calls....
I do think I will email him with suggestions - Go to meetings, Go to hwh for support, go to Utube, go to websites for recovery , etc....
Hey - maybe us enablers are slow learners.... lol
Again - sorry for long posts. hope this one has been entertaining. hope I don't sound like a loony bird. It's been an emotional week.... LOL
NY...the anger at yourself I get from your posts...the desperation and frustration...the rage....it's the point where you know you've got to do something different...something that is so uncomfortable. ..so...other...it's impossible to even think about sometimes. .and yet...you know it has to be done...this wall ...this cage...this insanity...must stop. ..you now know what it is like when an addict is finally beginning to reach their bottom ...doesn't mean everything is going stop...doesn't mean your going to change everything immediately. ..in fact...you might try just one or more times ...what it means is that you can see it now....and ....that's an angry place...cuz...you cant unsee it no matter how hard you try...hugs to you..be gentler with yourself...your loved
Con
Con
HAHA!! NY,
Can you imagine if we all as parents say HEY!! Kid, I have quit being your mom, sorry I made my choice, go away. I have learned to say no. I have put myself in recovery from enabling, Oh you don't understand let me explain it. You my child, have become a drug addict. You will not change and you will not use my love for you to enable your drug addiction. You made this mess you fix it.I can only imagine my son's face if I had said that years ago, instead of saying no don't try to kill yourself. You are important, people do love you. Yes we can help you. Lordy the stories I could write.
Geeezo I wish I had more wisdom a few years ago and listen to my brother, my sister and my other children, MOM STOP he has to do it.. lolol
I could of been selfish and taken a world tour on the money I spent. But I won't rehash it because it doesn't work. It is what it is.
My son is an addict, it was his choice and his choice not to get clean. It's his choice to rob and it's his choice not to pay the consequences of his actions.
Well me today I am eating ice cream!! calories be dam!! lolol..and please keep update on how your son is. xxx
It's in the almighty hands now :)
love
Sue xxx
Can you imagine if we all as parents say HEY!! Kid, I have quit being your mom, sorry I made my choice, go away. I have learned to say no. I have put myself in recovery from enabling, Oh you don't understand let me explain it. You my child, have become a drug addict. You will not change and you will not use my love for you to enable your drug addiction. You made this mess you fix it.I can only imagine my son's face if I had said that years ago, instead of saying no don't try to kill yourself. You are important, people do love you. Yes we can help you. Lordy the stories I could write.
Geeezo I wish I had more wisdom a few years ago and listen to my brother, my sister and my other children, MOM STOP he has to do it.. lolol
I could of been selfish and taken a world tour on the money I spent. But I won't rehash it because it doesn't work. It is what it is.
My son is an addict, it was his choice and his choice not to get clean. It's his choice to rob and it's his choice not to pay the consequences of his actions.
Well me today I am eating ice cream!! calories be dam!! lolol..and please keep update on how your son is. xxx
It's in the almighty hands now :)
love
Sue xxx
