Not Doing Good

Good morning to everyone, I woke up not doing very well. All these thoughts were runningthrough y head, what if b/f never calls me again because I hit him, what if he over doses etc.....Please believe me when I say I am trying to be strong, I keep telling myself I can do better, and even though I will not call him and am pissed off at him I still love him. Even though he has been on drugs for a long time, his personality changed when he started hanging out with his cousin.

Sunday is a blurr to me for some reason I think it was too much for e, but I know that prior to him calling me to tell me I was crazy for hitting him, he called and said that he new he was hurting me.....I just don't remember everything about Sunday....Has this ever happened to anyone? that you can't remember everything that went on a specific day.....He got me so upset on Sunday that I just can't remember everything.....

Good morning Marie. I know you are worried. It is OK to love someone who is an active addict. But, you have no control over what he is doing. You know that, right? You are a lot like me - I am a compulsive worry wart! Please try to stop worrying so much. I know that is easier said than done, but just try to stop thinking about the what ifs. I got mad at my bf this morning because he was so busy catagorizing the music we have downloaded on the computer, that he decided he didn't need to go to a meeting. He also gets paid today. So, I am a little concerned that he is upset with me and may mess up. But, I am not going to obsess over it. If he does, that is his choice. However, I will have to decide what to do with my life if he does and I don't like to think about that. I only know that if I let it go and give it away then I will be ok. And that is what matters the most to me. Selfish? Yep! And it feels a lot better than worrying, I can tell you that! I used to worry when my bf was in active addiction (just a couple of months ago) about what would happen to him. But, after I realized I have absolutely no control over it, then I was OK. I prayed that a guardian angel would look over him and let it go at that. Could you try to do that? I don't know about your religious beliefs, but even if you are not a big religious person, like me, you can still be spiritual and think about yourself. Being spiritual and being religious are two different things anyway. Being spiritual means to take care of yourself and be happy about who you are. Then the rest just falls into place. You seemed so much better after you went to the counselor at church. Have you been back?
Actually Marie, my whole weekend was a blur, I barely remember anything in fact I barely even remember the cheating part. The whole weekend was so emotional for me so I don't know what happened there.
I felt guilty about hitting him a few times too but I got over it. Everytime the guilt crept in I told myself he deserved it. Okay so I hit him a couple of times to the millions of times he treated me like crap...and hit me too. So I didn't feel bad I'm sure he didn't feel bad about slapping me or pushing me around..
I know how you feel though, this has been a hard week for me, he pretty much admitted to me that he's been doing crack hardcore, everyday..and mostly because of his brother. It feels hopeless that he will ever quit. I spoke to the dispatcher here and she said her brother has been a crack addict since 13 and he's 48 now and finally has quit for a year now. I have no hope for him. I don't feel hopeless because its not up to me anymore to help him, its his decision.
Try to be strong, I am trying to be strong also...
Cajungirl & Kittyc: It means so much that you guys understand. I know you are both right but I have been with him for so long and atleast before I knew what he was always up to ever since he is with his cousin, I have no idea which makes it worse. But his behavior and even his language have changed.

I know if the dr wanted to put him on disablility because of his emotional stability I can't even imagine him now without a dr's supervision .
It may be weeks before I hear from him and yes I am even afraid that I will never hear from him again, I did hit him but I hope when he is not high he remembers the hell that he has put me through...

Kittyc don't feel guilty cause you cheated on your b/f, you have a right to be happy and you did what you had to do.....

Thanks Marie..So what kind is he going to the dr for? I wonder if my bf went on meds for his ADHD if he wouldn't feel the need to do so much crack. Or never started in the first place. It seems like the more he says he's going to quit, the more he does it. And his language is horrible too...I get called every insult there is. Like last night he called me a stupid immigrant (my parents are from Czech and I was born in Africa and came here when I was 5) so I don't understand why being an immigrant is an insult? I also got called the special C word..I almost threw my tea at him..I flipped out...I said coming from a lowlife junkie like you, you have the nerve to insult others and call other people names? I have no idea who he thinks he is. He's a junkie, he can't keep a job, he has no friends and he thinks he's qualified to insult others?
Kittycat - when people are feeling bad about themselves it seems they want to bring everyone else down, too. Misery loves company, doesn't it. Don't let it bother you. His very low self esteem is showing.
Thanks Cajun..I guess thats what it comes down to doesn't it? Low self esteem. At least I'm smart enough to not believe a word he says. He tries to tell me when guys check me out is because I look easy...huh? I wear jeans and sweaters and I look easy? And he tries to tell me that I'm not that pretty, and one thing that gets to me..since he's 25 and I'm 34 is he likes to call me old and says at least he has his youth! Ya right, some people actually think I look younger than him and for another I like to remind him at least I didn't spend my youth doing drugs!! Plus he'll die way before me if he continues anyways! Doing drugs ages people, he'll look older than me when or if he gets to my age!
Uurgh sorry i had to vent.
dear marie, my heart really goes out to you, you remind me of myself so much a few months ago, i still love my ex however he loves his drugs more and i can not compete with his first love which is getting high. stop beating yourself up over hitting him, its over a done deal life has gone forward, i didnt have to hit my ex, a few thugs beat him him down good for him mouthing off which he his great at when filled with tequila!! marie, dont you deserve a better life that this, you sound like such a sweet woman. you cant get this man clean, no matter what good you do for him, he will always come back becuz there are no consequences when he displays this behavior. focus on your life and what direction you are going in, my ex wanted me to accept that he was a drunk and a drug user, well i didnt accept and never will, he has been thru programs, prison, knows the game and he still uses, so now what? i had to completley detach myself from the situation, i made it really very easy for him at the beginning, bought everything he needed had a roof over his head, fed him bought his clothes, you name it i did it and what do i have today, a fat visa bill and he is still using. in order for me to not go crazy i stopped using my pain pills and with 12 days clean, i can honestly say i can see things much clearer and my future at this point is much brighter, no more waiting for him to call, or show up drunk or hear about who he is in a realtionship with for the hour. yes i think about him and remember when i saw him clean and sober a ways back, thats why i stuck around too long becuz i really thought he was ready but down the ladder he rode. my being clean at this point has taken over as a priority and if and when he decides he wants to come clean well that may never happen, i will see him but he certainly doesnt have the power over me anymore. please stop beating yourself girl!!

carol

Carol: You seem to have gone through so much and I can tell you are a much stronger person for it. I hope to get to that point some day but right now I am going through this rollercoaster....I know that I may have hit me but he has done a lot more worse things to me and I'm still around.

He has no job, no nothing but I worry about him meeting some one else but really who would fall in love with a person with no job, money, car etc.....

Kittyc: Be strong I know it's hard and I know how hard it is atleast he's in your life , I haven't heard from mine since Sunday. It's funny he tells me I'm crazy cause I hit him, so what is he?????

Someone wrote and asked what kind of dr wanted to put him on disablility it's a psychiatrist..........

You guys have no idea what a comfort it is to have you guys and that I can let all my emotions out