Hi everyone, I hope you are all well tonight. I am really tying to stay sane here. My boyfriend of 6 years finally went and got a REAL live sub doctor instead of buying meds to kick from the street (without success). The thing that weirds me out is his obssession with the past. Old friendships from way before he even started this addiction. I am talking like 15-20 yers ago. He acts like his life is over at 40. And he hasn't even started the sub yet. Nothing I say works. Commons sense doesnt get through. Did any of you go through this living in the past thing or has he just lost his mind. Or he is just AL Bundy? I don't get it. I mean this man has a good job, a fiance (Me) I think he loves, parents who love him. I don't get why he is back peddling to his high school years or just after high school years. I know it isn't my problem to solve but it is really strange and unfotunate that I can not even say anything to make him even feel better. I guess it is just so sad to hear a grown man feel his life has been left behind at 40. I have my own problems that I am dealing with that I can not even go to him with because it isn't even worth it. I can handle them. But I have to ask is this common or is this just his own thing? I feel I may be asking one of those girlfriend stupid questions but it is something I have never seen from a 40 year old man. If I could tell him that it is normal for what he is going through maybe he would feel better or not.
If it is just him maybe I could see it for what it is. I just don't know this man whom I live with. This drug is something I can not understand. Nor do I think I want to. I see his pain and it as if someone close to him has died and he hasn't even quit yet and he just doesnt get it! Or, am I the one who is missing the point?
I feel like a sad little girl who lost her kitten. I am 34 years old on Monday and have been with this man for over 6 years. I don't see a future at this point and would rather see him happy and health and free of drugs and us split up than with me and on drugs suffering. I am not in the I love him so much I want to save him stage. I am just really in the grieving stage. There could be hope for him but I just don't know. He keeps trying. But his depression and his odd sense of loss for things I can't even connect to (these people have not been in our lives at all since I have known him) is really hard to grasp.
How do I stay if I don't get it. And how do I walk away never understanding.
I just don't know if this a normal process. I guess it could be normal to go through your whole life and wonder what happened. This is just..well please if you can relate...give me a clue.
I hope you are happy and content tonight. I pray each night for all of you even though I don't post here much because I don't want to be someone begging to pick your brain. I had to now. couldn't help myself.
Jen
sorry for type errors there is no spell check, I am in the abyss (dont know how to spell that either) and I am tired.
JenniferLee,
I was just thinking the other day how it would be more important to me for her (the addict) to let my heart break if she found her way away from drugs. You've posted over in the Families group havent you? Seems like a lot of us are going through that right now
I was just thinking the other day how it would be more important to me for her (the addict) to let my heart break if she found her way away from drugs. You've posted over in the Families group havent you? Seems like a lot of us are going through that right now
Odd sense of loss for things....
Interesting way to put it. I am sure I told you this that the hubby was in this everyone leaves, kick. Well sure many did leave, his childhood friends are all but dead, most from heroin. As he got older 2 more gone same thing, his best friend went then. Those who didn't die, he pushed away. Not sure why they do that, but it serves real well to feed any pity pot sh*t. It is almost like part of the process they need to go through. I would be like hello, still here (as are some others he tried to push away)......And he would do that you will leave and I would say keep pushing and I won't be leaving but you will be out.....Everytime he sat in that negative space evil me would come out and tell him right where he was deluding himself. Not sure that was ever good but I refused to let him sit in excuse, after excuse. Especially since he was creating his own misery in so many ways....
I mean look at it, they grasp at anything as a reason to use, remember at one time is was the job, and then the bills, and then anything else he might have said....and now the past. I do believe they they have issues somewhere, well I know mine is hiding from something in his past. I hope that he works it out with the shrink as he doesn't talk about any of that with me, actually I don't need to know, don't really want to....My past in enough, thank you very much.....
But they have to find a way to process thiers, and do it without us interferring. This I so believe. they have to find their way, whatever that is. And him in the past makes sense I can name a few I talked to before they got clean who did the same thing. Not sure where this abandonmant stuff comes from, low self esteem.....maybe they see somewhere where they were the cause of some leaving, and they are saddened, regretful that they lost that person, that friend. But then it is never presented as it had anything to do with them. I have pushed that as well....this I did nothing wrong.......
He will hopefully work this out in his head and see that the past was just what it is, the past.....There is a chance to move forward, and bring back into life those you miss, those you lost, pushed away. Then it comes to was this a good or bad thing. You know some being gone from his life now might have be as it would have been even if he lived a different life these past years. I know most miss those days, I do. My past had some real interesting people in it. Most still here, but some I wish were still around. But times change, we age, and move into different circles. It is just how it is.
So strange if you guys do make it, he gets clean, stays clean......And kids happen to come along, everything will change. Social circles, new friends, one with kids.......It is just how it is, and should be......
I think I got off th point.....
I am glad he went to the doctor, and I am sorry but you know me. This isn't about you, remember that I understand more than anything that even if it doesn't work out you want him to have a good life. I feel the same way. I want him to get better for him, not you. You have to move froward for you, just you. If in this you find yourselves both still together that is great, if not then it wasn't meant to be. I really have to keep it that simple, because even if everything was different and heroin wasn't ever even there.....You still have no idea, looking back at the beginning if this relationship would be just the same, or better, or maybe worse......
Think of you, and of him today. Not sure when he will cut himself off, and start kicking. Tell him I said he can do this. Wait as long as he can before starting, understand it will take a day or to to level out......And that things will get better if he allows them to.
You stay out of your head and try not to take this all personal. Them answers you need will come in time.
Love Yah,
Tina
Interesting way to put it. I am sure I told you this that the hubby was in this everyone leaves, kick. Well sure many did leave, his childhood friends are all but dead, most from heroin. As he got older 2 more gone same thing, his best friend went then. Those who didn't die, he pushed away. Not sure why they do that, but it serves real well to feed any pity pot sh*t. It is almost like part of the process they need to go through. I would be like hello, still here (as are some others he tried to push away)......And he would do that you will leave and I would say keep pushing and I won't be leaving but you will be out.....Everytime he sat in that negative space evil me would come out and tell him right where he was deluding himself. Not sure that was ever good but I refused to let him sit in excuse, after excuse. Especially since he was creating his own misery in so many ways....
I mean look at it, they grasp at anything as a reason to use, remember at one time is was the job, and then the bills, and then anything else he might have said....and now the past. I do believe they they have issues somewhere, well I know mine is hiding from something in his past. I hope that he works it out with the shrink as he doesn't talk about any of that with me, actually I don't need to know, don't really want to....My past in enough, thank you very much.....
But they have to find a way to process thiers, and do it without us interferring. This I so believe. they have to find their way, whatever that is. And him in the past makes sense I can name a few I talked to before they got clean who did the same thing. Not sure where this abandonmant stuff comes from, low self esteem.....maybe they see somewhere where they were the cause of some leaving, and they are saddened, regretful that they lost that person, that friend. But then it is never presented as it had anything to do with them. I have pushed that as well....this I did nothing wrong.......
He will hopefully work this out in his head and see that the past was just what it is, the past.....There is a chance to move forward, and bring back into life those you miss, those you lost, pushed away. Then it comes to was this a good or bad thing. You know some being gone from his life now might have be as it would have been even if he lived a different life these past years. I know most miss those days, I do. My past had some real interesting people in it. Most still here, but some I wish were still around. But times change, we age, and move into different circles. It is just how it is.
So strange if you guys do make it, he gets clean, stays clean......And kids happen to come along, everything will change. Social circles, new friends, one with kids.......It is just how it is, and should be......
I think I got off th point.....
I am glad he went to the doctor, and I am sorry but you know me. This isn't about you, remember that I understand more than anything that even if it doesn't work out you want him to have a good life. I feel the same way. I want him to get better for him, not you. You have to move froward for you, just you. If in this you find yourselves both still together that is great, if not then it wasn't meant to be. I really have to keep it that simple, because even if everything was different and heroin wasn't ever even there.....You still have no idea, looking back at the beginning if this relationship would be just the same, or better, or maybe worse......
Think of you, and of him today. Not sure when he will cut himself off, and start kicking. Tell him I said he can do this. Wait as long as he can before starting, understand it will take a day or to to level out......And that things will get better if he allows them to.
You stay out of your head and try not to take this all personal. Them answers you need will come in time.
Love Yah,
Tina
Thanks Friend! Best Friend! For Replying!
It seemed honest enough. I didnt thind posting that on the family/friends/ loveya/hateya board seemed fit as they coud not relate nor could I.
Birthday over 34 and 4 hours or so now. totally focused on work and not tomorrow except leaving this part of the country.
He is not off the sofa. I dont know what he did wrong. if he can hear my typing frenzy (last 5 hours ) i would assume he would have killed me by now) says his back hurts. i can barely get him to drink fluids never mind get him to eat.
I would say now I am confused. Am I depressed and don't know it? I mean I laugh. I just don't know anymore and this is not to blame on him. I am just saying what the fu.. am I?
I don't normally feel depression but days I feel nothing at all besides tired. Headaches, tied, I am so depressed right now but not hopeless.
Just dont know,
Jen
It seemed honest enough. I didnt thind posting that on the family/friends/ loveya/hateya board seemed fit as they coud not relate nor could I.
Birthday over 34 and 4 hours or so now. totally focused on work and not tomorrow except leaving this part of the country.
He is not off the sofa. I dont know what he did wrong. if he can hear my typing frenzy (last 5 hours ) i would assume he would have killed me by now) says his back hurts. i can barely get him to drink fluids never mind get him to eat.
I would say now I am confused. Am I depressed and don't know it? I mean I laugh. I just don't know anymore and this is not to blame on him. I am just saying what the fu.. am I?
I don't normally feel depression but days I feel nothing at all besides tired. Headaches, tied, I am so depressed right now but not hopeless.
Just dont know,
Jen
Hi Jenniferlee,
Ive not been on this site long, but if your lad is detoxing then he is going thru the same thing that I am. Been of H for over a month and Meth for 5days.
Ive tried detoxing before, but never laster more than a day or two. The difference is that Ive came home to my mams. Its not been as bad as I thought. Because the first thing I told my mam was to make sure that I drank loads of water - helps with leg aches and spasms, eat plenty and keep away from sugery foods cos I was eating plenty, but it was all sweet stuff and that kicks of an adrenaline thats trying to get out your body.
So if you can try and make him eat and drink (drink especially - dehydration is bad)
Hope this info has been helpful and I give you all the love in the world
Ive not been on this site long, but if your lad is detoxing then he is going thru the same thing that I am. Been of H for over a month and Meth for 5days.
Ive tried detoxing before, but never laster more than a day or two. The difference is that Ive came home to my mams. Its not been as bad as I thought. Because the first thing I told my mam was to make sure that I drank loads of water - helps with leg aches and spasms, eat plenty and keep away from sugery foods cos I was eating plenty, but it was all sweet stuff and that kicks of an adrenaline thats trying to get out your body.
So if you can try and make him eat and drink (drink especially - dehydration is bad)
Hope this info has been helpful and I give you all the love in the world
LMAO loveyah/hateyah board....
Are you depressed and don't know.....You actually asking me that, hell yeah would be my answer. But then just as fast I could say that you might be taking this a bit to personal and the stress if messing with your head, feeding them downs, add your headaches and stress from the business and how in the world do you expect to feel....keep that focus on you.
I am not sure what he does wrong when he starts the sub but he shouldn't be on the couch dying, he won't be perfect but he should be able to eat drink and move around.
You hang in ok,
Love,
Tina
Lorz,
Hang in yourself, and take care of you.
You are worth this.
Love,
Tina
Are you depressed and don't know.....You actually asking me that, hell yeah would be my answer. But then just as fast I could say that you might be taking this a bit to personal and the stress if messing with your head, feeding them downs, add your headaches and stress from the business and how in the world do you expect to feel....keep that focus on you.
I am not sure what he does wrong when he starts the sub but he shouldn't be on the couch dying, he won't be perfect but he should be able to eat drink and move around.
You hang in ok,
Love,
Tina
Lorz,
Hang in yourself, and take care of you.
You are worth this.
Love,
Tina
Wow, sounds to me as if it may be a couple of things: Looking back to high school, days of innocence, hope 4 the future, BEFORE he got into this drug & a type of Mourning all addicts seem to go through when they realise, truly realise that they cannot go on living like this, gotta give up the dope. AND the fact that he is 40- I am 42 & YOU DO get a bit introspective @ this time. Society seems to say "If you haven't cracked it by 40, you're a washout" you have heard all that hogwash;it could be he is genuinely having a mid-life crisis. Guys do,it's a fact.Just wait till WE hit menopause, dearie-something I am NOT looking forward to,tell u what. You say he is not eating or drinking.That is BAD & could be exacerbating the depression. Food& Mood have been linked. I posted a bunch of stuff about Food, etc. Maybe read it & try to get him to eat. His body is throwing out all sorts of crazy chemicals- he needs to get back in balance. I would get Black BLACK depressions when I wasn't eating,. You also maybe have to concider that this could be real, live full blown Depression, & maybe best treated by a proper doc. Good luck, keep posting.Bless you.
