I'm not sure why I'm posting this but I feel the need to. I am not the friend or family of the addict; I am the addict. I was reading through a lot of the boards (I'm new to the site) and it's amazing how much the stories all sound so similar.
I want to tell the friends and family something though; NOTHING you say or do is going to change us. NOTHING you did or said caused us to be this way. It is OUR problem, OUR monkey on our back and we need to look deep within ourselves to get straight. I know family and friends love us but in my opinion that love allows us to manipulate you so that you can be our enablers. It's not that we don't love you but the power of addiction takes over and we do what that addiction tells us. I am seeking sobriety. I haven't found it yet but I'm on the road. I can tell you my family is a good family with good people. They don't deserve what I'm doing to everyone around me but it's no one's fault but my own. It breaks my heart to hear the moms, dads, husbands and wives going thru so much grief over what we're doing but the worst part is you're trying to "fix" us...you can't. Focus on making sure you're taking care of yourself because until we are strong enough to face the truth in the mirror and do something about it, there is nothing you can do and you need to take care of yourself if you're going to have any quality of life. I am sorry on behalf of anyone like me who has hurt you and caused you the grief that never is forgotten. What you can do is pray for us. Pray we get the strength to be honest about what we are and get a realistic plan of action so that we can have our lives back.
Again I don't know what the purpose of this post was, just doing a lot of soul searching and thinking these past few days and I hope everyone surrounded by an addict realizes that it truly is out of your hands and nothing you did or said caused it......let go of the guilt and realize that guilt belongs to us and us alone.
God Bless.
Thank you Lori for the post. It is a good reminder to all parents.
took me a long time to learn that lesson MomG
Thanks for stopping by, Lori =)
I was fully complicit in the manipulation and it continued until I stopped dancing with her. We are each responsible for our own reactions and like anything else they take time to adjust as we learn...no mistakes, no learning. She played me like a fiddle - played to my fears, played to my guilt, played to my own insecurities as a parent - and I played along. We teach people how to treat us and then we learn from that.
Recovery looks good on you!
Peace ~ M&M
I was fully complicit in the manipulation and it continued until I stopped dancing with her. We are each responsible for our own reactions and like anything else they take time to adjust as we learn...no mistakes, no learning. She played me like a fiddle - played to my fears, played to my guilt, played to my own insecurities as a parent - and I played along. We teach people how to treat us and then we learn from that.
Recovery looks good on you!
Peace ~ M&M
I pray all your family, friends and loved ones are able to get themselves straightened out and you can all work on building your relationships back up...it will take time but it's certainly something worth working on.
All the best.....
All the best.....
Lori,
As a parent of an addict, I appreciate this post. I was telling my son today that I just want to help, but I also realize he needs to help himself. It is very difficult to stay focused to go to work and take care of yourself. I feel as though I can't even go away because someone needs to be at our house and watch over him. I'm not sure how you overcome that hurdle. I pray everyday for strength, not only for myself, but in hopes the struggle will end. God bless you.
As a parent of an addict, I appreciate this post. I was telling my son today that I just want to help, but I also realize he needs to help himself. It is very difficult to stay focused to go to work and take care of yourself. I feel as though I can't even go away because someone needs to be at our house and watch over him. I'm not sure how you overcome that hurdle. I pray everyday for strength, not only for myself, but in hopes the struggle will end. God bless you.
I am so sorry you are going thru that struggle with your son. I am sure all of your intentions are the purest and out of love but unfortunately you can't save us from ourselves. I am not young, I am a married mom of 2 children and I have battling these demons and failing. I have been going thru the worst stages of withdrawals the past few days but it's only because I want it..not my family or friends....I appreciate their love and support but we need to want it for ourselves and once your son is ready - you'll know. I pray for you and your family. I hope that things work out and you can all resume the healthy family I am sure you all once were.
I also apologize on behalf of your son because I know from experience that it's not him that is putting you thru this hell, it's the addiction that is causing it and once he realizes it's time to stop - he will and he'll then have to deal with all of the choices he's made, people he's hurt and bad decisions he's made....at that point is when I think the hard part starts....
God bless you.........
Hugs
Lori
I also apologize on behalf of your son because I know from experience that it's not him that is putting you thru this hell, it's the addiction that is causing it and once he realizes it's time to stop - he will and he'll then have to deal with all of the choices he's made, people he's hurt and bad decisions he's made....at that point is when I think the hard part starts....
God bless you.........
Hugs
Lori
Thank you for your post. I just recently found out that my husband has been addicted to Meth for around the last 2 years and just left myself and our children for another addict. It has been very hard to deal with and i'm trying my best to hold it together for the kids. I pray for him daily that he will be able to get better and come home to us. I know there is nothing I can do to help him unless he wants the help and sadly as bad as it hurts, right now he does not. We are doing our best not to take the blame but it is very hard watching someone you love so much completely change right before your eyes. :'(
I will pray for you as well to have a successful recovery.
God Bless!!
I will pray for you as well to have a successful recovery.
God Bless!!
Again, thank you for this post. Little by little I am seeing, and learning to let go, while continuing to love and respect my daughter at the same time.
I've seen first hand recently, what saying no does to her. It gives her something solid to grasp, a better reality to live in.
I've seen first hand recently, what saying no does to her. It gives her something solid to grasp, a better reality to live in.
Dear Lori2NJ:
Your post is excellent at illustrating the need for family support.
The addict needs the drugs to cope and avoid detox, and then loving family members become addicted to the addicts's behavior.
Addiction is a disease, and it is a family disease. Diseases, left untreated, are progressive.
Left untreated, the loving famly member will swirl downward in a trail of worry, broken heart, and despair.
The first step, for both codpendents and addicts, is that we are powerless over our disease (and further down we find a higher power as part of the solution).
Thanks for sharing.
Your post is excellent at illustrating the need for family support.
The addict needs the drugs to cope and avoid detox, and then loving family members become addicted to the addicts's behavior.
Addiction is a disease, and it is a family disease. Diseases, left untreated, are progressive.
Left untreated, the loving famly member will swirl downward in a trail of worry, broken heart, and despair.
The first step, for both codpendents and addicts, is that we are powerless over our disease (and further down we find a higher power as part of the solution).
Thanks for sharing.
