I am so tired. Not sure how much longer I can do this or how to stop it. I live with two addicts, a nasty alcoholic husband and a daughter with a heroine addiction. It is all literally driving me crazy. My home is a war zone. The two of them are always going at it. Basically always trying to prove the other is worse. I would love to walk away but I have custody of daughters 4 year old and now there is a new one, 8 weeks. Both same father, also a drug addict. I can't afford to leave with two kids and am too tired to be able to care for them myself. Waiting for the bf to get out of jail in a few months which will only add more chaos. Been doing this for 6 years now and not sure how I am supposed to keep going. It is all affecting my work and I need my job. I know daughter is taking something, which she totally denies. I can't have $10 that doesn't get stolen. She has stolen about $10k over the years. Hubby is asleep when I leave for work and drunk and nasty every day when I get home. Daughter lies, denies and lies to the point that I am literally starting to question my sanity. If I kick her out she will take the baby to the trailer park drug house the bf's mother lives in. She got sick after baby and had a nephtostomy tube. Getting stent out on Monday. Thinking of leaving with four year old but that means leaving baby. The house was small when there was 4 of us and now there are 6 plus toys and baby gear. I literally feel like I am going crazy and don't know how much longer I can keep doing this or how to do it all myself if I leave or when they both end up in jail or worse, which is probably exactly what is going to happen. I have a good job with good benefits. I should have it made and instead my life is total nightmare. They are both spiraling more and more out of control by the day. I need to get the kids out but don't have custody of the baby or enough money on my own for living and daycare. I will have to live broke and tap my retirement account to leave. I am trying not enable as much as I can but it is hard with the pregnancy, illness and then a newborn. I am so stressed I am getting worried about being able to keep my job much longer, plus I am diabetic and it is impossible to take care of myself anywhere near the way I should be. So here I sit wracking my brain trying to figure out what the heck I am supposed to do now and worried what will happen to kids if this all literally makes me ill. My life is hell day in and day out. I am trying so hard to give those two innocent kids any kind of stability and normalcy but I am honestly barely holding on myself anymore.
WOW - Yes, you are really trapped. Is there a family member you could live with, with the kids, someone who would be willing to help with kid's care. Start seeing a counsellor who has background in addiction - I found one for family members at the local recovery center, find a 'health coach' at the hospital. start finding resources. it will help you be out of the house more, create some space. find things to do w the 4 yr old to get out of the house. find a support group that can help you become stronger to make decisions you are having a hard time making. see if you can find a safe place to go - just to relax and breathe...
I understand the feeling of being trapped. I do not want to give my son $ to get to work when he runs out, but I want him to keep his job. he knows I will give in. since he is living with us I can't pretend I'm not home. I feel like I'm in a corner. I have been giving less and less. he is compliant. and not angry/violent.
early this spring, I was unemployed. at the time my son was not living at home (he is now). he would stop by the house (to ask for $) before his dad got home. I started going to the library or doing food shopping, what ever I could think of to not be home from 2-5pm. That action took the panic out of me, gave me some control back. go to the library - bring stuff you need to do - read, open mail, do bills, bring the 4 yr old. maybe there are children's activities.
I think if angry/nasty every day was in my life, It would be motivation to move. I know it would be the most difficult thing to do. keeps saving for it. keep planning. start separating your stuff and your finances. after the holidays things always feel better. really lean on some family members - see if someone can help you for a year - with child care or housing, etc -- start looking for someone you know who may want a room mate, older family member who needs someone around... gradually spend less time at home. I know that will probably irritate the addicts even more. but really, how much can you take.
I can never understand how the 'bully/addict/alcoholic' thinks its ok for them to dish it out and you have to take it, but its not ok for you to say I don't want to live like this.
I understand the feeling of being trapped. I do not want to give my son $ to get to work when he runs out, but I want him to keep his job. he knows I will give in. since he is living with us I can't pretend I'm not home. I feel like I'm in a corner. I have been giving less and less. he is compliant. and not angry/violent.
early this spring, I was unemployed. at the time my son was not living at home (he is now). he would stop by the house (to ask for $) before his dad got home. I started going to the library or doing food shopping, what ever I could think of to not be home from 2-5pm. That action took the panic out of me, gave me some control back. go to the library - bring stuff you need to do - read, open mail, do bills, bring the 4 yr old. maybe there are children's activities.
I think if angry/nasty every day was in my life, It would be motivation to move. I know it would be the most difficult thing to do. keeps saving for it. keep planning. start separating your stuff and your finances. after the holidays things always feel better. really lean on some family members - see if someone can help you for a year - with child care or housing, etc -- start looking for someone you know who may want a room mate, older family member who needs someone around... gradually spend less time at home. I know that will probably irritate the addicts even more. but really, how much can you take.
I can never understand how the 'bully/addict/alcoholic' thinks its ok for them to dish it out and you have to take it, but its not ok for you to say I don't want to live like this.
Smarties its hard for me to find the right words I feel so badly for you and your living situation. I mean anyone would feel the same as you do its too much...very, very stressful and you are like the glue trying to keep it all together and they are just being ruthless in my opinion.
A therapist once told me always say to myself "What is best for me" when I was in a very complicated situation with my ex husband. I was so used to taking care of everyone else and trying to keep things together for the family I lost 'me' in the process. I was over compensating for his dysfunction at my own expense. On top of it, no one appreciated me at all and all the work I was doing. So I eventually quit 'picking up the rope' and found it caused a shift in the family dynamics.
As a result, I lost everything materially but I got myself back and it's hard to put a value on freedom and liberation. Like my ex husband, your husband and daughter own the dysfunction they have made of their lives, not you, and you have to be a very strong woman to survive the struggles you have been living. If you can, take the energy you have been giving them and give it to yourself. You'll be surprised how much you can accomplish for yourself and rightfully so. I wish you all the best and remember "don't pick up the rope".
A therapist once told me always say to myself "What is best for me" when I was in a very complicated situation with my ex husband. I was so used to taking care of everyone else and trying to keep things together for the family I lost 'me' in the process. I was over compensating for his dysfunction at my own expense. On top of it, no one appreciated me at all and all the work I was doing. So I eventually quit 'picking up the rope' and found it caused a shift in the family dynamics.
As a result, I lost everything materially but I got myself back and it's hard to put a value on freedom and liberation. Like my ex husband, your husband and daughter own the dysfunction they have made of their lives, not you, and you have to be a very strong woman to survive the struggles you have been living. If you can, take the energy you have been giving them and give it to yourself. You'll be surprised how much you can accomplish for yourself and rightfully so. I wish you all the best and remember "don't pick up the rope".
That is a bad situation. I think you should leave but leaving the baby would be hard to do. Maybe you could do some pre-planning. Talk to someone that might help you get custody of the baby and give temporary assistance while you are in transition after you leave with the kids. Maybe a lawyer or protective services for custody and court protective order. Possibly talk to people that help abused mothers get away and provide temporary housing. Sounds like an abusive atmosphere to me. A family member or friend might help. I think there is some kind of monetary assistance for grandparents raising their grandkids but I dont know anything about it. Maybe they can help with daycare. Make some calls and tell your story. Maybe these people have some other ideas for you. They have more experience and know your local resources. There may be a hotline you can call.
Is this a home that you own? If not take the 4 year that you legally have custody and leave. Call child services on your daughter. Call the police every time she steals. Maybe at some point she will get court mandated rehab.
As for the boy friend it sounds like you are already allowing him to come in to your home.
You can do this,one step at a time. You will be surprised how much money you will have if you are only paying for you and your grand child.
As for the boy friend it sounds like you are already allowing him to come in to your home.
You can do this,one step at a time. You will be surprised how much money you will have if you are only paying for you and your grand child.
When we have been such strong and die-hard caretakers, it is very hard to stop doing it. Keep squeezing out time for your self, finances for yourself, use the kids as an excuse to get out - take them to park, track at a school, mall to walk, library, relatives to visit. keep a small calendar book to write notes about your goals and progress. notes about what is going on daily in the house. appointments.
it is true about the money. you will have more when you only need to provide for you and the kids and you are in control of where it is going.
it is true about the money. you will have more when you only need to provide for you and the kids and you are in control of where it is going.
This is tough, and no easy answer. I was thinking similiar to Buggin answer. Is there a shelter you can go to or some social service agencies that can help? Legal aid agency that could assist with custody of the baby?
I know it seems impossible to leave, but it is certainly impossible to stay. But, as you shared, this is very complicated. You need support, legal advice, and a plan. It won't be a quick solution. It may take some time, but these people are dragging you under. I picture you trying to tread water with all these people hanging on to you, doing nothing. I am also worried you could lose custody of the 4yo if they knew what was going on in the home (through no fault of your own). ?? Not sure about those things.
If at all possible, I first would try to get some free legal advice. And, then try to find a safe place for you and the 4 year old. Work on custody of the baby. Are your husband and daughter any help with the kids? It doesn't sound like they are much help.
I'd at least make some phone calls (even anonymously) to a local shelter and ask what to do.
I feel for you. This is so difficult and so stressful for you. Please keep us posted.
I know it seems impossible to leave, but it is certainly impossible to stay. But, as you shared, this is very complicated. You need support, legal advice, and a plan. It won't be a quick solution. It may take some time, but these people are dragging you under. I picture you trying to tread water with all these people hanging on to you, doing nothing. I am also worried you could lose custody of the 4yo if they knew what was going on in the home (through no fault of your own). ?? Not sure about those things.
If at all possible, I first would try to get some free legal advice. And, then try to find a safe place for you and the 4 year old. Work on custody of the baby. Are your husband and daughter any help with the kids? It doesn't sound like they are much help.
I'd at least make some phone calls (even anonymously) to a local shelter and ask what to do.
I feel for you. This is so difficult and so stressful for you. Please keep us posted.
I was reading on the internet and sounds like your situation might be considered domestic abuse even though it is emotional and not physical. There are some pdf files with lots of ideas but looks like they are state specific. Search for office of domestic abuse for your state. There are probably phone numbers included. You might also check out womenslaw.org ... might have some info you can use. There may also be a United Way resource list online. You could at least find a few phone numbers of who to call for more info or to get a referral for your situation.
Do you have an employee assistance program at work? Their advice is free. They may be able to advise but some of those people dont know much.
The more I think about it ... if things get dangerously bad at home ... I would leave with both kids. Then explain it to the authorities immediately. Call the police or whoever and tell them you took the baby because you couldnt leave it there with those people. They wont arrest you if you report it yourself. They might make you return the baby eventually or could expedite temporary custody to you. Might ask them what would happen if that hypothetical event occurred before you do it. That would not make a clean break with your family but police might mediate the situation. Police might at the very least tell your daughter they will involve childrens protective services if she doesnt work with you on the baby situation. You might want to have a lawyer already involved at that point. Have a place in mind to go (not back home).
Do you have an employee assistance program at work? Their advice is free. They may be able to advise but some of those people dont know much.
The more I think about it ... if things get dangerously bad at home ... I would leave with both kids. Then explain it to the authorities immediately. Call the police or whoever and tell them you took the baby because you couldnt leave it there with those people. They wont arrest you if you report it yourself. They might make you return the baby eventually or could expedite temporary custody to you. Might ask them what would happen if that hypothetical event occurred before you do it. That would not make a clean break with your family but police might mediate the situation. Police might at the very least tell your daughter they will involve childrens protective services if she doesnt work with you on the baby situation. You might want to have a lawyer already involved at that point. Have a place in mind to go (not back home).
A LOT of good information for you Smarties. I know the hardest part of anything is getting started. I think I would start by setting up an appointment with a really good and reputable family law attorney and tell them your situation and see what they advise. You have to protect yourself financially, protect the children, protect your mental health, and protect your job. The family law attorney will help you map it all out and be an advocate for you and help you protect your livelihood. This is where I would start.
Living alcoholic or addict family is heck because I've done it. It's worse when you're family because you'll be tested more and when things get messy and intermeshed like a child in the home it makes it that much harder. I've been waiting for a decades long alkie and addict to their wall/bottom and they always seem to elude it with help or luck. Until they hit that bottom and suffer enough consequences their behavior and abuse will continue. And again unless a parent or elder puts their foot early on in addiction and abusive behavior it will continue and grow. I've seen problem children test their parents for decades which spread to elder siblings then creep toward extend family like aunts, uncles etc along with their partners, friends etc.
Number one concern safety of yourself and child, then legal liability and last are the addicts. They need to hit a wall or bottom on their own. Going to rehab for a person or court is not the same as them actually wanting to change on their own. It must come from with in.
Number one concern safety of yourself and child, then legal liability and last are the addicts. They need to hit a wall or bottom on their own. Going to rehab for a person or court is not the same as them actually wanting to change on their own. It must come from with in.
