I am an enabler, so where do I draw the line? I moved my fiance's clothes out 3 days ago. We text a few times last night then so today. I'm moving out of state in 6 weeks and he texted me today that he would go to rehab before we leave for Florida. I told him that was not good enough. He asked me to call rehab for him so I sent him some numbers and told him to call for himself. That is a huge improvement from how I usually am with him. I just got in bed for the night but I couldn't resist that one last text. It didn't say much but goodnight and I prayed that God would touch his soul and that I love him. In new to the whole tough love thing, so is that too much or is it okay?
Tough love is all about not doing things for the addict that they should do for themselves and that does not mean that we stop being kind. We love these people and they need to understand that. Addiction does become a relationship problem and in any relationship we must prevent and not tolerate any form of abuse.
He has been texting skiing me to leave the back door unlocked then started calling so I finally answered and simple told him that I want him here mor than anything but he can't come here until he gets clean them hung up. I am shocked that I had the strength to do it. I probably won't sleep for the rest of the night but it's better than letting him come home, eat, sleep, cuddle then go to work tomorrow and wonder all day if he's going to be here when I get home, which must of the time he's not. I hope this don't make him worse.
Lynz, I don't think giving him phone numbers to rehabs is too much. You've given him the info he needs and now it's up to him to make those calls. That's how it has to be. He's got to be the one to take that first giant step.
You say you're worried about whether not letting him back home will make him worse. Please don't take on that guilt. It's his choice and whichever way it goes it's on him. Now you'll see just how serious he is about getting clean. Promises mean nothing. Its actions that count and I hope he does go.
By not letting him come back you're setting boundaries and that's a really healthy place for you to be. You're telling him that there are behaviors that you won't accept from him and you're sticking to that. When someone we love has a drug problem, we tend to get so caught up in it and we're so busy trying to save them that we put them first, and they're so lost in their addiction that they put themselves first too. That's a very one sided relationship. You deserve an equal and loving partner and not someone who would put you in the position of having to worry about where he is or what he's up to, or if he's even coming home. I'm sure you wouldn't willingly do that to him. We have to remember to be kind to ourselves too so please don't feel bad or guilty about demanding he become the man that you deserve.
You say you're worried about whether not letting him back home will make him worse. Please don't take on that guilt. It's his choice and whichever way it goes it's on him. Now you'll see just how serious he is about getting clean. Promises mean nothing. Its actions that count and I hope he does go.
By not letting him come back you're setting boundaries and that's a really healthy place for you to be. You're telling him that there are behaviors that you won't accept from him and you're sticking to that. When someone we love has a drug problem, we tend to get so caught up in it and we're so busy trying to save them that we put them first, and they're so lost in their addiction that they put themselves first too. That's a very one sided relationship. You deserve an equal and loving partner and not someone who would put you in the position of having to worry about where he is or what he's up to, or if he's even coming home. I'm sure you wouldn't willingly do that to him. We have to remember to be kind to ourselves too so please don't feel bad or guilty about demanding he become the man that you deserve.
Themom,
I wish I would have read this earlier. I've done it again. He showed up on the porch this morning and reluctantly I let him in. A friend gave me the number of a rehab a few hours away from home so I called and they are tentatively holding a bed for him. At first he said no, because of Christmas being Friday, said he wanted to spend it with his children but we both know that won't happen, he'll be high somewhere. I told him he didn't have to go but I was moving forward with my life without him. He agreed to go, he doesn't know that it's a 28 day program, he thinks he'll be there 10-14 days like last time. I don't know if tomorrow when he calls to confirm they will tell him or not.
I'm watching him sleep right now and I know that it doesn't matter if he goes or not. I am addicted out. It's only been a little less than 4 months since he got out of the last rehab so he has some sense let but not much. I am not going to visit while he's there this time, if he even goes, Monday is still 4 days away, anything could happen.
I am very thankful though for all of y'all on this site, I have found some strength since I've been on here. Thank you, and I pray that your soon finds his way. I can't imagine what this feels like with your own child. God bless you.
I wish I would have read this earlier. I've done it again. He showed up on the porch this morning and reluctantly I let him in. A friend gave me the number of a rehab a few hours away from home so I called and they are tentatively holding a bed for him. At first he said no, because of Christmas being Friday, said he wanted to spend it with his children but we both know that won't happen, he'll be high somewhere. I told him he didn't have to go but I was moving forward with my life without him. He agreed to go, he doesn't know that it's a 28 day program, he thinks he'll be there 10-14 days like last time. I don't know if tomorrow when he calls to confirm they will tell him or not.
I'm watching him sleep right now and I know that it doesn't matter if he goes or not. I am addicted out. It's only been a little less than 4 months since he got out of the last rehab so he has some sense let but not much. I am not going to visit while he's there this time, if he even goes, Monday is still 4 days away, anything could happen.
I am very thankful though for all of y'all on this site, I have found some strength since I've been on here. Thank you, and I pray that your soon finds his way. I can't imagine what this feels like with your own child. God bless you.
Lynz, don't beat yourself up for letting him back in. Just as they slip, so do we. It's a process for us too.
I can't even count the number of times I 'enabled' my son. For the longest time I did it with the thought that I knew it would help him.. then when I realized that wasn't working and nothing was changing, i'd do it in hope that it would help him.
Then it was well, maybe just this one last time... and there were quite a few 'one last times'... before it sunk in that what I was doing wasn't helping but actually hindering.
Now I have no illusions. I know it's up to him and in his own time hopefully he'll find the right path. I think you're at that point too. I don't know why you let him back but whatever the reason you seem to have your eyes wide open and that's good.
I can't even count the number of times I 'enabled' my son. For the longest time I did it with the thought that I knew it would help him.. then when I realized that wasn't working and nothing was changing, i'd do it in hope that it would help him.
Then it was well, maybe just this one last time... and there were quite a few 'one last times'... before it sunk in that what I was doing wasn't helping but actually hindering.
Now I have no illusions. I know it's up to him and in his own time hopefully he'll find the right path. I think you're at that point too. I don't know why you let him back but whatever the reason you seem to have your eyes wide open and that's good.
May have some new hope. He's only been out there a few weeks since his 90 days clean so he agreed to go back to rehab. He is scheduled for Monday. I have no illusions that he's even going to try to stay clean until then, I'm at work and can't reach him so he's probably getting high now and I won't see him until Sunday night or Monday morning but this 90 days were the only time since he started using (15 years ago) that's he's ever been clean. I am praying and hopeful that he follows through and goes but I am also prepared for him not going. This was my final "help" and I am preparing myself to walk out on him forever if he doesn't go.
