My 20 year old son has been home from rehab for 10 days. He has had a good 10 days....going to meetings, and outpatient treatment. Actually coming home at a decent time, and waking up at a decent time. He has a job, but right now is on STD until they clear him to return to work. He works for a large well-known company and even though he sought drug treatment with his own health care Provider, the company sends him through their program, too. Anyway, I am driving myself crazy every time he leaves the house. I know I have to detach, but it's sooo hard, and I know all the other Moms out there understand. He has Nextel cell phone service, with that GPS tracking service. He doesn't know I can access the internet and know where he is at all times. Tonight he was supposed to be headed to a meeting with another boy he met in rehab, but they stopped home. The times didn't fit. In other words, the meeting he said he was going to was too far for him to make it from our home. So, what do I do? Get on the internet after he leaves and see him heading in the opposite direction. I call him and ask where he is going, and I lie, and say someone I know saw him headed in the other direction of the meeting. He swore it wasn't him, and I knew it was, and we hung up. He called back minutes later apologizing and saying he was at the mall. They weren't going to a meeting, and of course I knew that. The first thing they tell us in rehab is when he stops meetings, he is on the road to relapse. He is supposed to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, and here on day 10 he is missing already. I know I can't control him, or his desire to be clean, but the lie hurt so bad. Just that one lie. He said that he knew he shouldn't lie, but he has been lying to everyone for 3 years, and they come so easily. At least he did call to apologize, right? That is what I am trying to convince myself. I am so very afraid of relapse, and he does have money in his pocket. His disability check came today. It's not alot of money, not even $100, but it's still cash. He lives at home, so he is on easy street. I know thats enabling, and I am trying so hard to break that habit, too. Sorry to ramble, but my heart is breaking right now.
Hi Cindy Lou
you clearly love and care for your son. What I can tell you from experience is that what you are doing, especially playing detective, does not work in keeping him clean and will destroy you.
You know about enabling and detachment, thats a start. Are you going to any Al Anon/Nar Anon/Co Anon meetings? I highly recommend them
good luck and best wishes
Sean
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What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.
Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.
Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.
Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.
Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.
Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''
Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
you clearly love and care for your son. What I can tell you from experience is that what you are doing, especially playing detective, does not work in keeping him clean and will destroy you.
You know about enabling and detachment, thats a start. Are you going to any Al Anon/Nar Anon/Co Anon meetings? I highly recommend them
good luck and best wishes
Sean
---------------------------
What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.
Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.
Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.
Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.
Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.
Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''
Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
I know exactly what you are saying about the detective part. As soon as I caught him lying, I told my husband we should have never gotten this stupid service....it's driving ME crazy. My son knows zilch about it. We are planning on going to an Al-anon meeting tomorrow. We tried last week but the meeting must have been cancelled because only us and one other person showed. We did family counseling at the rehab center while he was there ,which helped alot. The thing is, I know what I SHOULD be doing, but can't make myself do it.
Take care,
Cindy
Take care,
Cindy
Dear Cindy,
I second Sean's excellent advice.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family, and your son.
Ben
I second Sean's excellent advice.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family, and your son.
Ben
hi cindy, your experience reminds me of my ex, always having to know where he was, he was in a drug diversion class for ninety days and it seemed that i also was having to know his whereabouts, checking up on him etc, etc. i am in recovery myself and all the time i spent worrying about him took from my life and caused a mess for me. he has to want sobriety more than anything or it will never work, as soon as my ex was released from the program he was flying high again. just 3 weeks ago i agreed to see him and man what a mess he was, totally drunk and smoking weed and god knows what else, what hurt me the most is that i saw him clean and sober for a time and then complete and utter out of control behavior on all levels, so i had to let go completely with love and go about my life, i am still in wds and when this hell is over i will go into a regular counseling program and continue on. its not my job to be his keeper and i cant tell you how many nights i was awake wondering what bar he was in and who he was picking up, never again. i am worth more than that and it sounds like your son may need to hit another bottom before he can see. i too made it quite easy for my ex as he hardly worked and i paid all the bills, so only you in your heart know what is right and just to know my thoughts are with you and you are not alone
