Hello.I am a Christian,recovering mother of two sons who are addicts.One is recovering and leading a happy,healthy life.The other is in his thirties.I love him very much.I have watched his addiction ravage his life,and anyone that loves him,including his three children which are also my grand children.It is a mess.He was clean after getting out of prison...but not for long.He went to one twelve step meeting per week but never got involved,never got or used a sponsor or worked the twelve steps.He is back using again and denies it,lies about it and it is very apparent that he is using.My grand children come to visit me and tell me all of the scary,hurtful things that they see daddy doing and all that is going on in the house hold that is affecting the children.If I bring the concerns to my son or his wife...the children are punished for telling the secrets and I am told the children are lying and I know they are telling the truth.The local child protective services have gotten involved due to an incident at home that was reported to the school by the child.It is crazy to watch him(my son) do the same thing over again that took him to prison in the first place and now there are three children involved.I can see how the whole unhealthy situation that they(the children) are living in has effected their behaviors and attitudes because of what they are living in.I feel very powerless.If I have the children here to visit...I hear from them how the situation at home is getting worse with the adults they are living with.(my son and his wife).If I speak to my son or his wife...the children are targeted and then I get angry messages from my grand children because I spoke to the parents.I just want to go away and let the chips fall where they may.My son is isolated only having contact with his using friends.His wife is really unhappy and also not clean and sober.I am a member of alanon but this situation has me stumped.I am here for my grand children but I keep getting pulled into the chaos and in the end everyone ends up mad at me for caring and speaking the truth in love and I am not the one who is using or hurting the children.Makes me want to stay away from the whole mess.I have no idea what the local child protective authorities will do.Usually they do nothing as long as there is a gallon of milk in the fridge and a box of cereal in the cupboard.That has been my experience.I have been praying and I will keep praying but as far as my involvement in my grandchildren's lives...sometimes I think it would be better for me to stay away or go away.I care.I love them all.I don't want the stress and chaos.Any input for me???? I would appreciate any experience,strength and hope you may have to share.
Sincerely,
RecoveringMammy
Mammy, I think it's great that you are there for your grandchildren but you can only do so much. if the grandchildren message you that they are mad you confronted their parents on an issue that upsets you and them what more can you do? If the children services are involved they will soon see all is not right. And I'm sure the school is keeping an eye on things since they already reported an
incident. As far as you go I think you need to distance yourself some. Tell the grandchildren that you love them but there is not much you can do if you can not even confront your son and his wife,Tell them that next time there is a problem then they should tell a teacher at school and that you will always be there for them and they can always share their feelings with you but if they are going to be punished for telling you then they need to know there is only so much you can do but give them your love. You said you wanted to leave is it possible for you to move? I know how it feels to have your hands tied. But mammy you need to take care of yourself your son is a grown man and doesn't want your help unless it suits him. Remember you are not the addict so it's not fair for you to have to live the addicts life. if the grandchildren were not in the picture you probably would have already washed your hands as it is you can do nothing as far as the grandchildren go without you getting crap for trying to help. Let the social services and teachers report them or if you feel things are serious call the school anonymously and report the parents. Try to take care of you enjoy the grandchildren, report anonymously, and take the attitude that this is your life and you are going to live it your way. I know first hand that's easier said then done but if you keep telling yourself that you will start to live it that way. I wish you the best of luck. It's your time to live your life. GO FLY
incident. As far as you go I think you need to distance yourself some. Tell the grandchildren that you love them but there is not much you can do if you can not even confront your son and his wife,Tell them that next time there is a problem then they should tell a teacher at school and that you will always be there for them and they can always share their feelings with you but if they are going to be punished for telling you then they need to know there is only so much you can do but give them your love. You said you wanted to leave is it possible for you to move? I know how it feels to have your hands tied. But mammy you need to take care of yourself your son is a grown man and doesn't want your help unless it suits him. Remember you are not the addict so it's not fair for you to have to live the addicts life. if the grandchildren were not in the picture you probably would have already washed your hands as it is you can do nothing as far as the grandchildren go without you getting crap for trying to help. Let the social services and teachers report them or if you feel things are serious call the school anonymously and report the parents. Try to take care of you enjoy the grandchildren, report anonymously, and take the attitude that this is your life and you are going to live it your way. I know first hand that's easier said then done but if you keep telling yourself that you will start to live it that way. I wish you the best of luck. It's your time to live your life. GO FLY
Dear Mom's Hell,
I want to thank you deeply for your caring and helpful post,commenting on my post.Now What?
I really like all that you have to say in your post.It is very good feed back.These are things that I have just begun to think I need to do but what really helps is getting the validation of another.God Bless you for caring enough to take the time to respond.So far,yours was the only post and I am very grateful to you.Thank you again! We will both enjoy our life and FLY,OK?
TAKE GOOD CARE.
RecoveringMammy
I want to thank you deeply for your caring and helpful post,commenting on my post.Now What?
I really like all that you have to say in your post.It is very good feed back.These are things that I have just begun to think I need to do but what really helps is getting the validation of another.God Bless you for caring enough to take the time to respond.So far,yours was the only post and I am very grateful to you.Thank you again! We will both enjoy our life and FLY,OK?
TAKE GOOD CARE.
RecoveringMammy
Your welcome sweetie, It's not easy trying to do the right thing but we know deep in our hearts what we need to do. That's why it's so hard to take the big leap and do it. It goes against every instinct as a mother to turn your back and walk away. I wish you the best of luck on your decision and will be thinking of you.
Thank you and God Bless you!
Hi MAmmy, As the others have said, I totally agree, as im in a similar situation with my daughter where I have to let her go off on her own so that she can feel her consequences of the drug use. And as they say, no person addicted to drugs will give up the drug easily. It isn't easy but you have to look after yourself so that when your son is ready to seek help you are strong enough to help him through it and not to mention being there for your grandchildren. BE the strong person that they can look up to. We are all going through this terrible disease and it is really lovely that we can get on here at any time and talk to each other even if we are strangers! We have so much in common. chin up Mammy
moms hell, your advice on this nightmare that I, you and others are experiencing is really good and helps me feel somewhat better when im feeling down and depressed, which happens quite a bit! Just that I feel like im going in circles with my daughter. I just wish she would seek help!...
