Today's Thought
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 26, 2005
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.
Off The Hook
We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pulls us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, and the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.
Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty others, and I deserve.
Excellant post Gina
I'm reading a book at the moment: Caroline Knapp - drinking a love story....
I just love to read haven't finished it yet.......anyway i just wanted to say good for you and your story i'm sure inspires and gives hope to loadsa people....
Take care
love
Molly......
I'm reading a book at the moment: Caroline Knapp - drinking a love story....
I just love to read haven't finished it yet.......anyway i just wanted to say good for you and your story i'm sure inspires and gives hope to loadsa people....
Take care
love
Molly......
Molly,
I just finished that book a few weeks ago and it really opened my eyes to my own behavior. I never thought I had a problem and reading that book really helped me to more aware of myself. Gina, your posts always help me. Thanks.
I just finished that book a few weeks ago and it really opened my eyes to my own behavior. I never thought I had a problem and reading that book really helped me to more aware of myself. Gina, your posts always help me. Thanks.
Hi Molly and Otis,
I'm glad you enjoy them! How are things going for you guys? I hope good..
take care
gina
I'm glad you enjoy them! How are things going for you guys? I hope good..
take care
gina
Gina,
really good post thankyou...........Take care...............God bless...........Bob
really good post thankyou...........Take care...............God bless...........Bob
Gina/Otis
I've finished the book i thought it was excellant! I've never had a problem with drugs or alcohol but 10 years ago i experienced severe depression - reading saved my life!!! to be truthful my heart goes out to anyone struggling with addictions because depression seems to be part of the recovery process so maybe that's what can make it so hard well not maybe it must be......anyone read Elizabeth wurtzels books prozac nation and oh i can't quite remember the other one i think it's "now more again" - anyway it's about her life after she wrote prozac nation it's horrendous really but she got there in the end, but it can definately help us understand what leads many to their addictions........
Anyway enough from me and all the best to you both i'm being boring now and need to do some ironing ......take care love Molly......
I've finished the book i thought it was excellant! I've never had a problem with drugs or alcohol but 10 years ago i experienced severe depression - reading saved my life!!! to be truthful my heart goes out to anyone struggling with addictions because depression seems to be part of the recovery process so maybe that's what can make it so hard well not maybe it must be......anyone read Elizabeth wurtzels books prozac nation and oh i can't quite remember the other one i think it's "now more again" - anyway it's about her life after she wrote prozac nation it's horrendous really but she got there in the end, but it can definately help us understand what leads many to their addictions........
Anyway enough from me and all the best to you both i'm being boring now and need to do some ironing ......take care love Molly......
Gina,
Thanks for asking how I'm doing. It's so helpful to know other people care. I'm going through a divorce right now and it is very difficult. I drank a lot this weekend. My husband and I are still staying in the same house with our 5 year old daughter because neither one of us can afford to move out. My husband is an alcoholic and addict. I have gone back and forth from being sober and relapsing. I don't feel bad physically today but I definetely feel terrible about drinking. I never got drunk, per se, but couldn't be around my husband while he was drinking and not join in. Anyways, I am going to a meeting this week. I know it will help. Our divorce is for the best. I've been struggling with it for 3 years now and finally was able to emotionally make the "break". I know I have my own drinking issues but I really feel that once I am away the situation I will have an easier time not drinking. I have been able to quit before and just need to do it again. I somehow convinced myself that I could control my drinking because I don't drink everyday and I can have just one drink but when I get around certain people (like my husband) I drink a lot more. Anyways, I will be OK if I just get to that meeting this week.
Thanks for asking how I'm doing. It's so helpful to know other people care. I'm going through a divorce right now and it is very difficult. I drank a lot this weekend. My husband and I are still staying in the same house with our 5 year old daughter because neither one of us can afford to move out. My husband is an alcoholic and addict. I have gone back and forth from being sober and relapsing. I don't feel bad physically today but I definetely feel terrible about drinking. I never got drunk, per se, but couldn't be around my husband while he was drinking and not join in. Anyways, I am going to a meeting this week. I know it will help. Our divorce is for the best. I've been struggling with it for 3 years now and finally was able to emotionally make the "break". I know I have my own drinking issues but I really feel that once I am away the situation I will have an easier time not drinking. I have been able to quit before and just need to do it again. I somehow convinced myself that I could control my drinking because I don't drink everyday and I can have just one drink but when I get around certain people (like my husband) I drink a lot more. Anyways, I will be OK if I just get to that meeting this week.
