Hey all. I'm new to this site, and I could really use some support right now. I've been addicted to pain pills, mainly norco, for, oh 3 or 4 years. At first I didn't take them daily, but as we all know, that changes rapidly! My usage peaked this past summer, and I realized I needed to quit. So I went from taking A LOT each day to zero. I was incredibly serious about quitting; I even had a few for backup but didn't take them. The detox was horrible- I'm a nurse, and thought I knew what I was in for, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Finally "confessed" to my husband, and after almost 3 days into it he took me to my doctor because I was borderline suicidal. Anyways, many days and many medications and SO MUCH DRAMA later, I was clean.
But then I could barely function. No energy at all, you know. Everything was raw and hurt, I had to take a month off work, and I swore I would NEVER be addicted again. But.... a month after I detoxed, I picked up a few norcos from a "friend" because I had a migraine. Well, maybe a few more, just in case. I guess you can figure out what happenned next!
So, basically I was clean for about a month and am now doing well if I only take 8 a day (before I was up to 2 times that, or more). I want to quit so badly; I'm not sure where to start. I CANNOT go to my doctor about this; I cannot afford rehab; I really, really don't want to go to my husband about this. I know the detox will be easier than before, because I'm taking so much less, but it will still be hard. So I'm thinking of trying to taper, then pick a time when I have like 4 or 5 days off work in a row, stock up on immodium and gatorade, and just go through it.
I also have realized that I cannot control my drug use; I just can't use at all or else I'm enslaved again.
Any constructive input would be appreciated.
Thanks
Good Morning! I am up doin the black Friday thing. Leaving in just a sec. Welcome to the board. Glad you found us. N/A, its free. You can also post here and we will support you. :) you came to the right place. gota go I will check the board later and see if you are around.
Hi and Welcome to the site.
I share this because I need to hear it as much as you do.
There is nothing more brutal in life than active addiction. I'm sure you have gotten a taste of it. I have found that this is the reality.
Not using is far less stressful than using. (This includes the horrible physical withdrawl, the brutal Post Withdrawal depression and the enormous amount of work that goes into complete restoration.) It is all far easier to accomplish than to ride pill addiction further down the road.
See when I use, EVERYTHING eventually gets worse, than I die
The finances get worse-so I start to steal. (I've never met a living addict who regardless of the wealth could support their own habit.) If they had enough money they died or stopped.
I have no spiritual life. I become unable to care about anyone but myself.
The relationships get uglier as the people that really love me are replaced by people who don't, until I'm eventual alone.
My physical condition deteriorates as I no longer eat, play or sleep.
My living conditions eventually become a prison filled with 3700 cons that want my a** and my stuff . Which consist of some noodles and some soap.
So if Being Broke, Alone, Where the only thought you can think about is "Why the f*** didn't I just stop taking pills" and institutionalized seems like low-stress or easy well you know how to get there.
On the Other Hand, I get Healthier the moment I stop. It may not feel like it, But who gives a f*** about feelings at this point in the game.
Gather Information, hell your a nurse I'm sure YOU KNOW the reality.
Here is something I've learned along the way. I was healed when I made the choice to stop. It's just taken some time to realize it.
There is no easy way to go through withdrawl, but than again there is no easy to maintain active use.
So the choice becomes this.
Pain for the sake of health and life and love and joy and peace. Life
Pain for sake of hurt, anger, rage, more pain, loneliness, degradation, despair Death
You can find remedies here and anywhere on the net that may ease the transition, but I found that every step I take to getting healthy is rewarded positively in some way
The first thing to do is Not take a pill. In fact upon reflection that choice goes a real long way.
Best Wishes
I share this because I need to hear it as much as you do.
There is nothing more brutal in life than active addiction. I'm sure you have gotten a taste of it. I have found that this is the reality.
Not using is far less stressful than using. (This includes the horrible physical withdrawl, the brutal Post Withdrawal depression and the enormous amount of work that goes into complete restoration.) It is all far easier to accomplish than to ride pill addiction further down the road.
See when I use, EVERYTHING eventually gets worse, than I die
The finances get worse-so I start to steal. (I've never met a living addict who regardless of the wealth could support their own habit.) If they had enough money they died or stopped.
I have no spiritual life. I become unable to care about anyone but myself.
The relationships get uglier as the people that really love me are replaced by people who don't, until I'm eventual alone.
My physical condition deteriorates as I no longer eat, play or sleep.
My living conditions eventually become a prison filled with 3700 cons that want my a** and my stuff . Which consist of some noodles and some soap.
So if Being Broke, Alone, Where the only thought you can think about is "Why the f*** didn't I just stop taking pills" and institutionalized seems like low-stress or easy well you know how to get there.
On the Other Hand, I get Healthier the moment I stop. It may not feel like it, But who gives a f*** about feelings at this point in the game.
Gather Information, hell your a nurse I'm sure YOU KNOW the reality.
Here is something I've learned along the way. I was healed when I made the choice to stop. It's just taken some time to realize it.
There is no easy way to go through withdrawl, but than again there is no easy to maintain active use.
So the choice becomes this.
Pain for the sake of health and life and love and joy and peace. Life
Pain for sake of hurt, anger, rage, more pain, loneliness, degradation, despair Death
You can find remedies here and anywhere on the net that may ease the transition, but I found that every step I take to getting healthy is rewarded positively in some way
The first thing to do is Not take a pill. In fact upon reflection that choice goes a real long way.
Best Wishes
| QUOTE |
| I CANNOT go to my doctor about this; I cannot afford rehab; I really, really don't want to go to my husband about this. I know the detox will be easier than before, because I'm taking so much less, |
Welcome Grey Dawn
You just listed a lot of things you aren't willing to do.My question for you this morning is what things are you willing to do?
I had to face up to all my denial and confront my stubborn resistance for help.The fact was that my way was not working and continuing to be my own Higher Power was fraught with failure.Trying to control my usage was a joke.Sure,I had the best intentions of only taking 6-8 pills a day but once I even fed one pill to that monster,it was only a matter of a few 24 hours.
You are not going to want to hear this but unless you stop taking pills,you will never gain enough clarity to make an honest decision.That means coming clean to your husband,doctor and other people who may be supplying you.It also would be beneficial if you made an NA meeting to get additional support.This is not an easy road and having everyone support you will make it 100x easier.
Stick around.
Oh no, not again!
Of course again!
All you did was stop taking pills and go through the hellish withdrawals. (and promise yourself you'd never do that again.)
Been there, done that. Many times. All of us here have, I'm sure. It doesn't work.
It takes more than that: Support from other addicts in recovery, admiting that you're an addict, reaching out for help, and more.
First, go read page one of the post, "Your brain on opiates." Then you'll know why just that few pills for the migrane got you hooked again. And why you can never use narcotics again.
Then, I'd strongly suggest going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. If for no other reason than they can give you a few tools to keep from getting drawn back into active addiction again. They know stuff that's not contained in any medical book.
Welcome to this site.
Keep coming back. There's help here.
Of course again!
All you did was stop taking pills and go through the hellish withdrawals. (and promise yourself you'd never do that again.)
Been there, done that. Many times. All of us here have, I'm sure. It doesn't work.
It takes more than that: Support from other addicts in recovery, admiting that you're an addict, reaching out for help, and more.
First, go read page one of the post, "Your brain on opiates." Then you'll know why just that few pills for the migrane got you hooked again. And why you can never use narcotics again.
Then, I'd strongly suggest going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. If for no other reason than they can give you a few tools to keep from getting drawn back into active addiction again. They know stuff that's not contained in any medical book.
Welcome to this site.
Keep coming back. There's help here.
HI & WELCOME....I understand as do most of us just what your going through.Like you at one point I thought not usen or abusing made me clean...Oh how blind we addicts can be.Stopping the drugs itself is hard enough...learning to LIVE without them is the hardest part...for me.
I myself never related much to the "group"setting,though NA is a excellent support group.They have helped so many gain their lives back.
BUT for me I got into private therapy.See I never understood where this need to use came from,until I ndid some soul searching i stood no chance against my addiction.
Though I must tell you I am also on Suboxone which I must admit helps me from usen.Suboxone is not a drug I would suggest to others without alot of thought & research.But it may be for youy...who knows.
Also as hard as it may be to tell your husband...it will be a worst thing for him to have him find out another way...besides youll need all the support on a personal level too.
Again,,,,welcome & hang around...we may be able if nothing else to help you feel less alone
mj
I myself never related much to the "group"setting,though NA is a excellent support group.They have helped so many gain their lives back.
BUT for me I got into private therapy.See I never understood where this need to use came from,until I ndid some soul searching i stood no chance against my addiction.
Though I must tell you I am also on Suboxone which I must admit helps me from usen.Suboxone is not a drug I would suggest to others without alot of thought & research.But it may be for youy...who knows.
Also as hard as it may be to tell your husband...it will be a worst thing for him to have him find out another way...besides youll need all the support on a personal level too.
Again,,,,welcome & hang around...we may be able if nothing else to help you feel less alone
mj
Tell your husband, give him whatever pills you have left, and taper down with his help if you don't want the withdrawals again. My husband helped me taper one time, and it was a slow and aggravating process; you know that you can always just pick a weekend and stop cold turkey again.
Once you quit, find a support group and go!!! We've all quit pills, but with nothing to replace them (other addicts and a program) very few of us stay clean.
No energy??? Tough! That was always my excuse to relapse - that and weight gain, and a thousand little irritations that life threw my way. The energy comes back - slowly - and you won't be killing your body, mind and liver.
You can do this. We are here to help, but inverstigate real, live people in your area who have been thru the same thing as you. You're not weak, you do not have a moral problem, you have the disease of addiction.
Once you quit, find a support group and go!!! We've all quit pills, but with nothing to replace them (other addicts and a program) very few of us stay clean.
No energy??? Tough! That was always my excuse to relapse - that and weight gain, and a thousand little irritations that life threw my way. The energy comes back - slowly - and you won't be killing your body, mind and liver.
You can do this. We are here to help, but inverstigate real, live people in your area who have been thru the same thing as you. You're not weak, you do not have a moral problem, you have the disease of addiction.
Thanks to all of you for your encouragement ans support. I need to keep this short right now, but I will be back.
I know that when I quit before, I was just detoxed, not recovered. I admitted my addiction, but still thought I could occasionally use and not get hooked again (I know, I know; isn't denial a miraculous thing?).
And I am in private counseling, but I'm lying to my counselor!!!! Yes, NA sounds like a good idea. I think other addicts could see through the lies and keep me honest.
So I'm stocking up on crap(food, juice, etc.), calling in sick tomorrow and the next day, and doing it. I'm sick of this, and it is no way to live. For the short time I was clean, it was such bliss to NOT have to worry about getting caught, getting my next fix, even though I was depressed and hurt all over, I was free.
And I will be again.
I will try to post, and again, any encouragement, advice is welcome.
I know that when I quit before, I was just detoxed, not recovered. I admitted my addiction, but still thought I could occasionally use and not get hooked again (I know, I know; isn't denial a miraculous thing?).
And I am in private counseling, but I'm lying to my counselor!!!! Yes, NA sounds like a good idea. I think other addicts could see through the lies and keep me honest.
So I'm stocking up on crap(food, juice, etc.), calling in sick tomorrow and the next day, and doing it. I'm sick of this, and it is no way to live. For the short time I was clean, it was such bliss to NOT have to worry about getting caught, getting my next fix, even though I was depressed and hurt all over, I was free.
And I will be again.
I will try to post, and again, any encouragement, advice is welcome.
Good for you!
Yay! Remember that the physical pain lessens over time - don't let feeling crappy trick you into using again! You can do this - keep posting, rest, get lots of fluids, take advil and LOTS of warm baths! Wishing you best of luck with this.
We have all been right where you are. I relasped 3 times before I got clean for any significant amount of time. I also relasped for the same reasons you did...I felt awful and no energy. I did not think I could tell my husband again. I was lying to everybody. I was miserable and in pain. That is when I found this place and received the same advice you are getting. It took me a little while, but with encouragement from my new friends I did tell my hubby. Of course he wasn't happy...he was mad even. But eventually he gave me the support I needed and today is very happy and proud of my recovery.
There will always be "reasons" why you can't do it... If you let go and Let God it will work out.
Stick to your plan of throwing out the pills, taking off work and dextoxing (you may have already done this...didnt see when this was posted.)
Make an afterplan and find support to remain clean. As you found out, quitting isn't the hardest part. It's staying clean. Good Luck!
There will always be "reasons" why you can't do it... If you let go and Let God it will work out.
Stick to your plan of throwing out the pills, taking off work and dextoxing (you may have already done this...didnt see when this was posted.)
Make an afterplan and find support to remain clean. As you found out, quitting isn't the hardest part. It's staying clean. Good Luck!
Hey Greydawn,
Welcome. This site was instrumental for me in the beginning of starting my sobriety journey. As a healthcare professional you know that it's not about learning to control and enjoy your pill taking. I go to AA, it helps me stay on track. When I got here, five years ago, I was a mess. My life was a mess but I had been loaded for so long I didn't even realize the level of insanity I was living in.
Every journey starts with one single step...
Rachel
Welcome. This site was instrumental for me in the beginning of starting my sobriety journey. As a healthcare professional you know that it's not about learning to control and enjoy your pill taking. I go to AA, it helps me stay on track. When I got here, five years ago, I was a mess. My life was a mess but I had been loaded for so long I didn't even realize the level of insanity I was living in.
Every journey starts with one single step...
Rachel
Wow.somuch good advice.... I feel like I am starting at square one again,or maybe square 2, because I know I can NEVER use again in a safe, controlled manner, <y last use use was friday aftermoom, amd I must say I feel like something the cat dragged in. can't thnk straight, can't form cohesive thoughts, can't focus well with both eyes open. But I think the worst of the acute w/d phase is over;now comes the ever so fun post-acute w//d phase: depression,low energy, REAAAAAly low enery, hopefully not suicidal ideations ths time. Oh, and sleeoing- haha ha... Everyone in my house isasleep and I'm up prowling arounfd.
Tell me it gets better soon.I can't remember.
Tell me it gets better soon.I can't remember.
It gets better, but slowly. I have the patience of a 2 year old (and that got me high plenty of times when I said screw it) so just hang in there and try to find enjoyable things to do. If you can walk around the block, it helps to do something a little physical.
I really watched my diet at first, staying away from sweets and junk food - that helped too! Of course I ended up putting on 10 pounds anyway, because I used to forego food so the pills would wo9rk better. I feel bad about the 10 pounds, but I know I'm far healthier.
You are doing great! Every day clean is a miracle.
I really watched my diet at first, staying away from sweets and junk food - that helped too! Of course I ended up putting on 10 pounds anyway, because I used to forego food so the pills would wo9rk better. I feel bad about the 10 pounds, but I know I'm far healthier.
You are doing great! Every day clean is a miracle.
Okay so I blew it this morning. I literally COULD NOT function, could not put one foot in fromt of the other. Took 1 pill. Managed to pull myself together enough to shower (I think) and dress, then fed the animals and laid down for a short nap. woke up at 5:30 this evening! Feel a lot better, and the detox this time was a cakewalk compared to what I went through before. Guess it has to do with how much one is using, i.e 20 norcos a day compared to 6 0r 8. also I knew what to expect and had backup plans.
Sucks that I took that norco though. Copout. Going to look for a local support group. My counselor has a group called C.A.R.E groups, so I will check out both that and NA. The NA meeting I went to a looong time ago only had a few women and lots of guys, and I felt a bit uncomfortable. But hey, any excuse will do ,right?
Again, it gets better, right? My fuse is short and I'm pretty emotional. Not really even hungry. Off work until Thursday, so that;s good.
Thanks guys for all the support!
Sucks that I took that norco though. Copout. Going to look for a local support group. My counselor has a group called C.A.R.E groups, so I will check out both that and NA. The NA meeting I went to a looong time ago only had a few women and lots of guys, and I felt a bit uncomfortable. But hey, any excuse will do ,right?
Again, it gets better, right? My fuse is short and I'm pretty emotional. Not really even hungry. Off work until Thursday, so that;s good.
Thanks guys for all the support!
| QUOTE |
| But hey, any excuse will do ,right? |
During those first couple of months I was looking for any reason to bail.The chairman spoke too long.The preamble was too tedious.I didn't like the way people dressed.Too much whining...ad infinatum.
It's called false pride.My ego wanted me dead and as long as I listened to all those toxic messages,I didn't have a chance.This is where the steps come in.Admitting that we are powerless over that first pill and our lives are unmanageable will set the precedence for the other steps.
Logic doesn't work with addiction.We may tell ourselves it's only one pill but untill we are willing to look at the whole picture,we're doomed to repeat the cycle.
I was always asked"How has your own ego and pride served you?".I never could come up with a valid answer.
So here it is 8 am in the morning, everyone gone except me and various assorted feathered/ furred/finned friends. I am frantically online looking for a meeting. I would really like to go to my counselor's CAIR group, but can't find the info. I am drinking a carrot /celery/apple juice because my stomach can't tolerate solids right now, then I'm showering and finding a da**ed meeting, so help me goddess!
Thanks again for the support.
Thanks again for the support.
In the same sentence you said...I took a norco, felt better, detox doesn't seem that bad this time.
Huh?
You took a pill so of course you feel better. And you get to start all over.
When you feed the monster, everything goes back to "square one".
You're not alone darlin. Most of us have been where you are and the one thing that people kept telling me over and over was, I deserved a better life. I was worthy of recovery. I also had to do anything and everything to get it.
Be willing....
Huh?
You took a pill so of course you feel better. And you get to start all over.
When you feed the monster, everything goes back to "square one".
You're not alone darlin. Most of us have been where you are and the one thing that people kept telling me over and over was, I deserved a better life. I was worthy of recovery. I also had to do anything and everything to get it.
Be willing....
What I meant when I said the detox was easier this time was the ACUTE phase of detox, which I understand usually takes about 72 hours, give or take. But yes, that little pill does put me back at square 1 (maybe square 1 1/2?), but I am determined to make it. I have a meeting at 11 today.
My real concerns are: how to work at my job with zero, and I mean zero energy. It's not just a matter of will power; the physical plays a big part, which of course is affected by the mental, and so on in a never ending cycle. I cannot take any more time off work, so I will just have to suck it up.
So...meetingss. Exercise. Good food, even it's just juice and smoothies. The housework can go to he**. As can the Christmas cards, social obligations, yada yada yada. I know the most important gift I can give myself and my loved ones is to get clean and stay clean.
Nature helps me a lot. I think I will go to the foothills after my meeting, take the dogs, and walk till I drop.
I also had a little chat with my husband, and told him I was struggling with the old demons again. Didn't tell him I was dancing with them though, but at least it's a step! Complete honesty is very hard for me.
Wish me luck.
My real concerns are: how to work at my job with zero, and I mean zero energy. It's not just a matter of will power; the physical plays a big part, which of course is affected by the mental, and so on in a never ending cycle. I cannot take any more time off work, so I will just have to suck it up.
So...meetingss. Exercise. Good food, even it's just juice and smoothies. The housework can go to he**. As can the Christmas cards, social obligations, yada yada yada. I know the most important gift I can give myself and my loved ones is to get clean and stay clean.
Nature helps me a lot. I think I will go to the foothills after my meeting, take the dogs, and walk till I drop.
I also had a little chat with my husband, and told him I was struggling with the old demons again. Didn't tell him I was dancing with them though, but at least it's a step! Complete honesty is very hard for me.
Wish me luck.
You are heading in the right direction.As long as your goal is complete honesty,I believe that God will present the right circumstances in order for you to open up.Coming clean may seem like a lofty goal but in the end it's like taking a good bath.
Diet,exercise,limiting caffeine and sugar all signifigantly shorten the detox process but the prevailing contibutor seems to be time.This is why it's so important not to take anything no matter how benign it may seem.Any opiate that gets in your system will only open all those receptors in the brain.It doesn't matter if you get high or not.The only way to return to some semblance of normalcy for an addict is through abstinence.This includes liquor which is the biggest mind changing chemical out there.
Hang in there and give yourself a break.Patience may seem unattainable right now but sometimes we have to only to make it an hour at a time.
Diet,exercise,limiting caffeine and sugar all signifigantly shorten the detox process but the prevailing contibutor seems to be time.This is why it's so important not to take anything no matter how benign it may seem.Any opiate that gets in your system will only open all those receptors in the brain.It doesn't matter if you get high or not.The only way to return to some semblance of normalcy for an addict is through abstinence.This includes liquor which is the biggest mind changing chemical out there.
Hang in there and give yourself a break.Patience may seem unattainable right now but sometimes we have to only to make it an hour at a time.
