I just heard this tune come on the radio - it's mad how music takes you right back, ain't it. I remember back in the day, when I living the life of a full time junkie, I'd somehow ended up in a bedsit in Bristol. My boyfriend was working in a job where a heroin addiction was no problem, shall we say, and I was stuck in this bedsit with a big pile of heroin, coz money was coming in, and I had nothing else to do. I don't think I'd ever done so much smack. Every time the world drifted into focus, I'd just stick another needle in my arm and float away again. After a few weeks (or was it months? I just don't know...) of living like this, I woke up and had a moment of perfect clarity. I looked around me, not knowing whether it was night or day, not knowing whether I was alone or not. The bed was soaked through and I realised I'd spilt a can of special brew all over myself at some point. I looked down and saw that I had a needle still in my arm, with half the contents still in it - I'd passed out before the plunger had got half way down the barrel. My whole body was numb from not moving for hours. I had a foil tooter lying on my chest, and I discovered a beetle on the foil scrunched in one of my hands.
My boyfriend was lying next to me, so I shook him awake, waited for him to focus on me, and I told him "Babe, we gotta get out of here. We gotta leave soon, or I'm gonna die here." Then I shoved the rest of the smack into a vein and floated off again. In the morning I took a bath, then packed up our stuff. My boyfriend went out into the street and I threw our bags down to him, then I grabbed my car keys and ran to the car before the landlady realised we were doing a bunk (we hadn't paid any rent). We drove back to Wales, stopping at Tintern Abbey to do in the last of our smack, promising each other that we'd get clean now. We didn't. At least not for a good few years. But it got me out of Bristol alive. And I'm glad of that.
Anyway, this tune took me back there for a moment
This link does actually work!!! Have a listen - it's a good version
youtube
And so she woke up
from where she was lying still
Said we got to do something about where we're going
Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain
Maybe run from the darkness in the night
Singin' Ha la la la de day
Singin' Ha la la la de day
Sweet the sin
But bitter the taste in my mouth
I see seven towers,
But I only see one way out
You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice, you know
I took the poison, from the poison stream,
Then I floated out of here
Singin' Ha la la la de day
Singin' Ha la la la de day
She runs through the streets,
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain
In through a door way she brings me
White gold and pearls from the sea
She is raging
She is raging, and the storm blows up in her eyes
She will suffer the needle chill
She is running to stand still.
Just wanted to share that with you. I'm glad it's in the past, but strangely glad I went there too. I wouldn't be me without it.
love
Diff x
diff, thanks for shareing.....man that made me ball my eyes out. i think you should share that on the pill board, i think alot could relate. i hope you are well, gotta go wipe my eyes and blow my nose. take care, Ang
I have it on in the background now as I type this. Great, chilling version.
thanks diff
jack
thanks diff
jack
Hi Ang and Jack, sometimes I get so ingrossed in my life now, that it's easy forget all the other lives I've lived. Then something happens and it takes your right there. When I was fairly new to recovery that was a scary feeling. I'd get a big nostalgic tug, a feeling of wistfulness for the life I'd left behind me. Sadness at all the people I'd left behind me, a desire to revisit the past. And a few times I did revisit it, and it was all more or less the same. Then I remembered something this traveller chick told me once. She'd pulled up in her caravan, with her dreadlocks and her tin whistle, and she took a job at the school I was working in. I enjoyed her company, and when after a few months she left to go back on the road, I asked her if she enjoyed working with the kids. She said that she loved it, so I asked her if she would be coming back. No, she said, I never go backwards. So now I tell myself to leave the past where it is, make peace with it, and to look forward to the future. And remind myself of the feelings of panic I used to have, when each milestone, birthday, Xmas, whatever ticked passed, and those promises I'd made to myself, to move on, to unshackle my chains to heroin were never made good on. I always thought "this time next year I'll have got it sorted" and I never quite managed it. But I have now.
I guess those thoughts are popping into my head quite regularly, as I realise that I'll be a mum in 16 weeks time, and my life is going to change forever. There will be no going back. I've been clean a fair while now, but I've kinda took comfort from the thought that the old life is there, heroin will always be there, and just for today is just that. The door hadn't been locked behind me. In an odd way that made it easier to stay clean. If I wanted to score, I could always do it tomorrow. It was kinda reassuring. But now things are changing forever, and I need to bolt that door, coz I don't want to inflict that s*** on anybody else, least of all my own child.
A couple of days ago, I was standing in a queue at the Drs, picking up a script for my anti-depressants, and I realised that in front of me was this guy I knew. He has been my dealer for a long time, and I used to work as a runner for him, for free gear. We got pretty close, and eventually ended up having an affair (we were both with other people at the time, but my relationship was dead and I left soon after the affair started). Anyway, when I decided to get my act together and quit the gear, it meant I had to quit him too. I'd always had a real soft spot for him, and truth be told, I still do. So anyway, I decide to tap him on the shoulder and say hello. Strangely enough, he'd been in my thoughts quite a bit recently, because I'm moving out of town, and I wanted to see him one more time, to say goodbye, to let him know I'm OK. And it was sooo good to talk to him. I told him I'm moving away and having a baby, and he was so genuinely pleased for me. He told me he knew it was what I'd always wanted, and that it was about time I settled down and stopped being such a nutter. I felt a huge feeling of relief afterwards. That I'd tied up the last loose end, and it was OK to walk away now. And that's what I'm going to do. Embark on the next adventure. I'm gonna have my own house, my little girl, my dog. I feel like it's time to leave behind the eternal childhood, my refusal to take on being a grown up. It's time to move on.
Thanks for listening to me ramble - I'm just coming to terms with a whole new life.
love
diff x
I guess those thoughts are popping into my head quite regularly, as I realise that I'll be a mum in 16 weeks time, and my life is going to change forever. There will be no going back. I've been clean a fair while now, but I've kinda took comfort from the thought that the old life is there, heroin will always be there, and just for today is just that. The door hadn't been locked behind me. In an odd way that made it easier to stay clean. If I wanted to score, I could always do it tomorrow. It was kinda reassuring. But now things are changing forever, and I need to bolt that door, coz I don't want to inflict that s*** on anybody else, least of all my own child.
A couple of days ago, I was standing in a queue at the Drs, picking up a script for my anti-depressants, and I realised that in front of me was this guy I knew. He has been my dealer for a long time, and I used to work as a runner for him, for free gear. We got pretty close, and eventually ended up having an affair (we were both with other people at the time, but my relationship was dead and I left soon after the affair started). Anyway, when I decided to get my act together and quit the gear, it meant I had to quit him too. I'd always had a real soft spot for him, and truth be told, I still do. So anyway, I decide to tap him on the shoulder and say hello. Strangely enough, he'd been in my thoughts quite a bit recently, because I'm moving out of town, and I wanted to see him one more time, to say goodbye, to let him know I'm OK. And it was sooo good to talk to him. I told him I'm moving away and having a baby, and he was so genuinely pleased for me. He told me he knew it was what I'd always wanted, and that it was about time I settled down and stopped being such a nutter. I felt a huge feeling of relief afterwards. That I'd tied up the last loose end, and it was OK to walk away now. And that's what I'm going to do. Embark on the next adventure. I'm gonna have my own house, my little girl, my dog. I feel like it's time to leave behind the eternal childhood, my refusal to take on being a grown up. It's time to move on.
Thanks for listening to me ramble - I'm just coming to terms with a whole new life.
love
diff x
Diff,
Thank you for sharing your story. I always enjoy reading your posts. Stories like your's keeps hope alive for those of us that may still have a loved one in active addiction.
HB
Thank you for sharing your story. I always enjoy reading your posts. Stories like your's keeps hope alive for those of us that may still have a loved one in active addiction.
HB
hey diff, thanks for shareing. i truely relate to you and your feelings. i wish you and your soon to be little girl all the best in life. i am glad i got the chance to meet you on this board. have a nice night hun.
ang
ang
Diff
Thanks for replying to my post. I haven't been on this site long (haven't been on computers long, full stop), but reading the experiences of others puts my life into perspective. You must be very proud of youself.
Take care
Peter
Thanks for replying to my post. I haven't been on this site long (haven't been on computers long, full stop), but reading the experiences of others puts my life into perspective. You must be very proud of youself.
Take care
Peter
