oh and yes she is pretty as a picture and I am very lucky to have her. She is surprisingly cool and easy to get along with for how pretty she is too, usually girls that pretty are not much fun to hang out with but we have a ball. and my dreaddies are not as heavy as they look coz they are spongy not solid. they do come down to my knees though so yeah. In 1 and a half hours I'll be into day 11 and While im not exactly at my best yet (at all!), Im over the worst and getting better all the time.
Yikes I didn't mean to advise you to watch something crazy..um don't think it will hurt,but not gonna help in way of feeling less nuts. Felt insane and it passed. Gotta get my son ready for school,wish could write more...hang tight..you will be ok even if doesn't feel like it at many times..even when those times feel like forever. -Mary
thankyou Mary yeah sorry if I didn't read you right, I was all over the place for a while there but a few simple suggestions really did help. I was just about up for anything for a minute there so thankfully had the right kind of people offering the right kid of ideas so thankyou
Don't be sorry,nothing to be sorry for. Believe me I was all over the place for a long while. The worst probably felt longer then actually were..then.eased up. I had totally convinced myself at one point that I had lost my Mind and was never coming back...and that maybe methadone was the answer & acted like antidepressant & since is in some countries it is, America isn't always right! Scary sh**! But didn't give in to that voice, well you get what I'm saying. You sound better. You doing better?
Its like 4am and ive been wide awake since my baby jumped into bed with us at about 2am. Not what we need on hubbys first night home! Lol.. ive retreated to her bed as i was feeling super wrestless, as you get coming of s***, and im really struggling to go back to sleep...i have a full day tomoz (should i say today) so i know i needed sleep, but kinda knew i wouldnt get alot..my mind is just tick tick ticking over...and its just random irrelevant thoughts...nothing of importance at all...ive even been up and had a snack...my appetite is returning..ive lost around 15 kilos from the pills(eating was cheating and took away effect) .i dont want to be putting that back on..I know what you mean about most attractive women, some that i have known have the attitude of im just to good for you...not all, just some...im pretty down to earth and cruisy normally- pre pills anyway! Well prob should try counting sheep or something, this is one of the yucks of getting clean...the lack of sleep...anyway, i hope you have a great day...laterz
Yep the sleep thing is driving me crazy too. I slept for an hour maybe and then woke up feeling worse than ever, but thankfully that didn't last all night. I was determined to fall back to sleep so I been tossing and turning all bloody night too. And its not like sleep, wake up, turn, repeat. I just stay in the same position till it gets too sore, then I change. Yesterday my wife put a plate of food down in front of me. It was chicken schnitzel with this sort of salad of grated carrot, chopped red onion, feta cheese mixed wi olive oil and balsamic vinegar. I had been feeling really flaky and faint, but when she passed me the plate, it was almost involuntary. I dropped the knife and fork on the floor and almost before they even hit the ground I started literally shoving salad in my mouth with my bare hands. I even sort of growled when I snatched the chicken up. I didn't finish the chicken but ended up putting my mouth on the side of the plate and sort of sweeping every last particle of salad in there. IT WAS CRAZY. She came out to check if the food was ok and I was sitting there in this kind of dazed stupor, with my hand still hanging in the plate just staring. It's weird, it's like my my mind was like okaaaaaaay? and just filed it away with the normal stuff. I didn't really think about it till now (7am) and I guess that's because each day now I'm trying to compare it with the last to make sure I'm actually getting somewhere. coz sometimes it's kind of hard to tell at this point.
But yeah in answer to you question Marykat I am feeling better. It's little by little you know. It's like I have a disconnect. when I start feeling down I tent to sit and stare a bit, and it takes a while before I try to do something about it. I mean I'm not running away, if I'm sad I cry, if I'm mad I pace or grit my teeth and fume a bit ( not sure if that helps) but if I just feel s***, I tend to sit and stare. But if I spend too much time on those three I work to get out of it. I either hop up and follow my wife around giving her a hard time (playful) till we both start laughing. I'll say something like 'now listen here woman, I been cutting you a lotta slack around here, but you better get in that kitchen and whip me up a damn pie or something before I make choose a child and I roll the other one down the hill and drown em in the dam. hahaha. Or I will go find the kids and get rappers delight (sugar hill gang) going in my head and just start doin a really stupid dance but looking real serious at them till we all start laughing and that tends to work, and they love me to death when I'm carrying on like that
Day 11, 9:30am. The main trouble I have right now is ok my body is aching like a tooth or headache. It's ok I can handle it. But Whenever I sit down and try to focus on something, I start to get tense and start jiggling my legs and chewing my lips and sort of stressing. So of course I get up and try to do something to use the energy and calm down, but as soon as I get up, all the strength just drains from my body, and I can't imagine doing anything but going straight to bed. I've been trying to push through it and stay on my feet or hit the treadmill, but the more I push, the quicker I start getting dizzy and weak, and I have to keep grabbing doors or leaning on walls or chairs. Just before, it happened so I sort of let myself slide down the wall as I didn't want to black out. (My wife and kids are out all day) but yeah once I got to the floor I was just sitting there kind of huffing and puffing, feeling like I'd never get up again. So yeah I kinda drag myself to the couch and collapse into it exhausted. But within a few minutes I restless as hell again!
I'm eating very well. small serves of lean meat with big piles of salad. Fresh fruit. soup. But yeah can't seem to bank up any significant amount of energy. I'm not trying to carry on about it but it is really driving me nuts, and telling it all here is helping to some degree.
I'm eating very well. small serves of lean meat with big piles of salad. Fresh fruit. soup. But yeah can't seem to bank up any significant amount of energy. I'm not trying to carry on about it but it is really driving me nuts, and telling it all here is helping to some degree.
Hey, glad your doing better& that's GREAT you& your wife getting along good,laughing &stuff me& my ex broke up when I quit,he couldn't handle it, but for the best cause back with sons father. Yes through these times you need to be around people that make you laugh. That and someone that's calm/serene. Doesn't necessarily even have to be same person. The 2 people I had in life at that time got me through and will never forget. Good your eating well,hey who needs a fork at a time like this, long as your eating. Day 11? Maybe over exerting with exercise? Know it's good but still early, do what you can handle..... take care. -Mary
hey Marykat, yeah ok, I was a bit worried about that. I even warned my wife that I was gonna be feeling stuff strongly again and be back to being sort of short tempered and over the to sometimes, particularly through the detox. But she was just like I don't care, I can handle it, I just want YOU back. but yeah the other day my Mum came over and asked how it was going and I said I was feeling strong and all that, and that I had been carrying on a bit at her (wife) but that she was handling it like a champ. My mum said that when they saw eachother, my wife burst into tears. She said she was ok and that she was proud of me but that it was all a bit overwhelming. I felt so bad, I mean I knew I was doing it a bit but I just wasn't really aware how much I was taking it out on her. I think my Mum probably was just letting me know that, yeah we are proud of you, but maybe you need to just watch yourself and pull it together a bit and take care of her a bit better. That was a gut check. I love my wife, so yeah I been a bit better behaved ever since. (thanx mum). It's been a tough time but right now I'm feeling better than ever. I'm not quite ready to celebrate yet, but yeah. That's a good point about it being a bit soon for the exercise. I think I been waiting for it to be over and that reminded me to just be a bit more patient so yeah, good call! thanx mate! So it's 6pm here in Oz Im feeling half ok so I'm gonna spend some time wi my family ;)
So it's 2am on the morning of day 12. I can no longer describe what I'm feeling as horrific, or soul sucking or any of that other good stuff I been talking about the last few days. It's eased down to say, extreme restlessness, and strong discomfort. It's not so much of a nightmare anymore. I'm super tired as usual but feeling good about how I'm going. A big part of that is spending some really excellent time wi my wife. We hang out everyday, whether it's a little or a lot and have always got along like really good friends that happen to be in love. but tonight it was like a blast from the past. My emotions are back in the game, my heart is warm and I am feeling things from my toes to my ears again, and my mind is clear for the first time in years. I have been dulled down and sedated on opiates for so long that I forgot how alive and animated I get when I am having a really interesting conversation with someone I really like. My wife always accepted that I was taking opiate meds to try to make some semblance of normality with her and the kids possible for me, but she always wished it wasn't like that and was anxious for me to find a way to sort my problems and get off the meds ASAP. WELL NO WONDER! when she signed up to marry me I was fit and strong, hardworking, I played and sang every day, I was alive and adventurous, fun and passionate, and I lived to make her happy. Once my health went bad and I started systematically consuming whatever made life liveable, I slowly degenerated into a sort of unemotional tired, dulled down, uninspired basically numbed out watered down version of myself. And though I could always make her laugh, I wasn't as compelled to do it and even when I did it was with much less joy and vigour. But tonight I was for a while just me again. We laughed so hard so many times that we had to hang on to eachother, and we had big discussions about anything, EVERYTHING. anyway, I could go on about it all night I'm so happy. Basically it just makes all the bulls*** over the last 12 days so worth it! now if I could just get wink of sleep? it would be perfect...haha (greedy)
It's 7am day 12, sitting on the verandah watching the rain. It's easy to get a bit disheartened sometimes because I keep swinging back and forth between feeling ok and then feeling crap, but also because the last time I detoxed, I woke up on day 8 feeling good, but because I was experiencing the ups and downs like now, I stayed where I was to make sure I didn't jump the gun. So yeah after 2 more days I hadn't crashed and was ready to go home. So when I look back on it I always think, yeah it took 10days last time but really it was 8. So here I am day 12, wondering wtf is going on and getting a bit frustrated. I mean how long ffs!? I know everyone is different but I personally already ran this race. I'm not looking for any answers really, more just venting to get it off my chest. I am also well aware of how fortunate I am. The guy who inspired me to post my own progress, I never spoke to but I read all his posts, and he didn't even start posting until like 6 weeks into it and he was reaching out coz he had no-one and he was working his butt off everyday and physically felt like he was dying all the time. But he stayed strong, stayed positive and never gave in. For me, I have 4 people 4!!! who have all made it clear many times that if I ever need ANYTHING ANYTIME, I had better call straight away. My big sis brought me chicken broth yesterday and just showed up just as I was starting to crawl up the walls and freak out. It was still warm and I was so happy to see her. oh and by the way? chicken broth is the BOMB right now. I just dip a mug in whenever I walk past it pretty much. But what I am trying to say is that I know that compared to a lot of people who go through this, I may as well be in a luxury rehab facility. Knowing that doesn't help too much when your really in the thick of it, but at this point it's a good reminder not to feel TOO sorry for myself.
I have to mention that reading everyone else's progress on this site has been a major help to me. I feel compelled to comment here and there but I ended up running BAM! into someone in the middle of their own battle that just knew everything I was feeling and saying, and we basically hung together through the the worst of it. Its been awesome! I have fam around but nobody REALLY knows what it's like and I'm not comfortable just raving at them trying to describe what it feels like. All I had to say to this person was I feel crap and I knew that they instantly under stood the shortlist of exactly what was happening where, and was deeply familiar with the exact same experience. I'll always be grateful to have had that. Not to mention the others who just checked in from time to time on my posts with little drops of golden advice right when I needed them. It really made all the difference in the world for me so yeah. Stay gold Ponyboy. ha
Almost home,
I am glad to hear you are doing better. Like one of my sons says " keep your eye on the prize."
In your case it is getting to wherever it is you want to be in life, in your health....Keep up the good work!!!
What I meant by a financial detox was, this gal at our clinic had a job, then got laid off and had applied for unemployment. The clinic gave her some slack but when the money still wasn't coming in after a few weeks to pay her bill at the clinic they had no choice but to do a "fee detox". They drop you pretty good and within a week to 10 days or so you are done. In the condition she was in she said it hit her real hard. (This of course in her version...I am not at the clinic every day anymore to be all that involved), I personally don't think they should do any detoxes real fast, for some it can be really bad, but they do. Unfortunately it IS a business and if they helped every single patient that cant pay their bill on time they wouldn't last. This was also before Obamacare arrived. Now she has health coverage and has been clean 17 months from heroin.
Keep on truckin'!
granny
I am glad to hear you are doing better. Like one of my sons says " keep your eye on the prize."
In your case it is getting to wherever it is you want to be in life, in your health....Keep up the good work!!!
What I meant by a financial detox was, this gal at our clinic had a job, then got laid off and had applied for unemployment. The clinic gave her some slack but when the money still wasn't coming in after a few weeks to pay her bill at the clinic they had no choice but to do a "fee detox". They drop you pretty good and within a week to 10 days or so you are done. In the condition she was in she said it hit her real hard. (This of course in her version...I am not at the clinic every day anymore to be all that involved), I personally don't think they should do any detoxes real fast, for some it can be really bad, but they do. Unfortunately it IS a business and if they helped every single patient that cant pay their bill on time they wouldn't last. This was also before Obamacare arrived. Now she has health coverage and has been clean 17 months from heroin.
Keep on truckin'!
granny
Heya, i was so glad to read your posts this morning..ive managed to grab a little quiet time..like you im starting to get some real feeling back..exactly as you described it from my toes to my ears...i feelt so much warmth and depth from my husband last night while we were out...i too have been a dull downed version of myself for far too long, its time to live and let the.real me shine...as for sleep, its still evading me for now..but i do know that in time it will come back to me...its just small steps to there...almost 2 weeks for you...my god thats just a super dopper effort cause i know how damn tough this s*** is....mwa your check my friend...have a great day, step out side take a few deep breaths and believe you got this!!!!
Hey granny 23 wow ok, I didn't know they did that to people. It's cruel, I can't imagine having to do this against ur will! It's hard enough. Thanks for the get back, and I'm glad to hear she came out clear on the other side.
mwah YOUR cheek, wait I should have done that at the end hahaha, this is great, it seems like we are both winning and it's working for us! And that's awesome that ur all fuzzy for ur man, you almost forget what it feels like aye. I felt like sometimes that you and me were in the Olympics, the winter ones, in the double luge or something working in tandem to get the gold hahaha and it looks like we're getting it too! So cool bananas and rhyyyyyy vita bread, and mwah ur other cheek!
Nothing makes me smile bigger at the moment, than hearing how well your doing!!! It was like the olympics...what we have done/ are doing is huge...Not just anyone can do it you know...Only the toughest survive...you remember the song from rocky? Eye of the tiger? Thats us..lol..that songs just like a motivational speech...hell i kinda feel like rocky now...fighting mike tyson and kickin his a**..haha..
Bit more serious now for a second..my hubby leaves on Monday and m dreading it already...normally im like numb and dont worry about it to much, but im actually a little scarred on how im gunna go...i dont want to have it.hit me like a ton of bricks all the sudden and go "f*** this s*** pills will help me" you know what i mean...i havent had a real battle yet...Im worried that will be my first big one...i hope im strong enough....im not saying it to get attention blah blah...im saying it to hold myself accountable....keep me honest too...holy crap that was a bit of a rant...all over the shop too...im kinda tired which is messing with my head...big deep breaths!!!!
Shell
Bit more serious now for a second..my hubby leaves on Monday and m dreading it already...normally im like numb and dont worry about it to much, but im actually a little scarred on how im gunna go...i dont want to have it.hit me like a ton of bricks all the sudden and go "f*** this s*** pills will help me" you know what i mean...i havent had a real battle yet...Im worried that will be my first big one...i hope im strong enough....im not saying it to get attention blah blah...im saying it to hold myself accountable....keep me honest too...holy crap that was a bit of a rant...all over the shop too...im kinda tired which is messing with my head...big deep breaths!!!!
Shell
your talking to rant master flash! I love eye of the tiger, I'm gonna put it on actually. But as far as Monday, if that's when you reckon it could be crunch time then I will definately be on stand by. If you start bottoming out then lemme know at least. we can do the olympics again. You don't strike me as an attention seeker at all, I just think you've been doing like a four man job for a long time all on your own .. . and Rant away, it will give me something to read. So yeah if I don't hear ya I'll just cross my fingers and hope ur good, but otherwise I'm here.
Day 12, 6pm. Not my favourite day so far. It was just kind of meh.... I'm continuing to feel less horrible. I still feel less than great but I just keep weighing it up against the last week and I don't get too worried. It's not ALL the time now either. The main bother I have at the moment is that I'm just so tired. All I want to do is go to bed all the time but sleep is almost unpleasant right now. Kind of painful and unrewarding. The little I am managing to get anyway. Still feeling the aches all over but I can handle it. It just makes it hard to stay upbeat sometimes. But overall staying positive and if not then at least distracted. It's working, I'm moving forward. I may have thrown myself into this s*** pit, but at least I'm prepared to fight my way back out. I never had any doubts at the start of this thing, and I don't have any now. So it's all going according to plan. Two thumbs up.
