I have spent the last few days with my husband working on the house. Everything is wonderful. But that is how it usually is. I have taken this whole week off to spend with my oldest son who is leaving for Iraq next week. Everything is wonderful.
My husband is trying to get me to come back home. i know that things are good now for the benefit of my son. But, I am so worried about saying I will come home. He is in such denial about why I left. That is why I make reference to his thinking. No matter how many times I tell him why I left, he still asks why. When he goes in the room to get high, I don't go anymore. I realize that he wants me in there just to condone it. Even if I don't say anything, my mere presence condones it. So, I stay out. It makes him angry of course. He says I am being rude by not spending time with him. I think if he wants to be with me, he can join me; not me join him in something I don't approve of. Afterall, if nothing changes; nothing changes. Right?
If he is still using and emotionally abusing you, then you should not go back. You are right - "nothing changes if nothing changes" and it doesn't sound like anything has changed with him at all.
You are doing your change for the better. Hopefully, he will follow, but in the meantime, stay away!
You are doing your change for the better. Hopefully, he will follow, but in the meantime, stay away!
Enabler,
First, I'm sorry that your son is going into this mess, but that is another story all in itself. May peace, safety, courage and God be with him always.
About your husband.. I don't know your story or background and I am new to this board, just a few weeks. I hear you saying that what he does sickens you and you want no part of it. Whatever substance he is using, he is avoiding reality by using it. Sometimes our reality sucks, but it's up to us to change it, not hide from it.
I hope you stay strong and think about past experiences, if you have had them of what you have been through. That always helped me when I had thoughts of
letting the user/abuser back into my life. Also, think about the peace of mind when he/she is gone and you have some peace, even wondering where and what he is doing, you still didn't have to be in the middle of it.
Ultimately, the decision is yours so don't let his good behaviour seduce you.
Judynky
First, I'm sorry that your son is going into this mess, but that is another story all in itself. May peace, safety, courage and God be with him always.
About your husband.. I don't know your story or background and I am new to this board, just a few weeks. I hear you saying that what he does sickens you and you want no part of it. Whatever substance he is using, he is avoiding reality by using it. Sometimes our reality sucks, but it's up to us to change it, not hide from it.
I hope you stay strong and think about past experiences, if you have had them of what you have been through. That always helped me when I had thoughts of
letting the user/abuser back into my life. Also, think about the peace of mind when he/she is gone and you have some peace, even wondering where and what he is doing, you still didn't have to be in the middle of it.
Ultimately, the decision is yours so don't let his good behaviour seduce you.
Judynky
Enabler,
I was just thinking that you don't sound like an enabler. It sounds like you more of a survivior. I would think about checking out other names like, winner, xenabler, momofabravesoldier, anything but enabler. If we think we are something then we're much more likely to identify ourselves with it. I also saw that you wrote "everything is wonderful" several times. That can be an illusion, just as control is an illusion.
All we can really condtrol is what we do.
Thanks,
Judynky
I was just thinking that you don't sound like an enabler. It sounds like you more of a survivior. I would think about checking out other names like, winner, xenabler, momofabravesoldier, anything but enabler. If we think we are something then we're much more likely to identify ourselves with it. I also saw that you wrote "everything is wonderful" several times. That can be an illusion, just as control is an illusion.
All we can really condtrol is what we do.
Thanks,
Judynky
Enabler, I'm glad you are having a good week so far. I wouldn't go back, has he shown you he's gotten any help at all? He's not going to quit on his own, you'd just be taking steps back and going right back to the way things were before.
I have to agree with everyone. You only have control over your own actions. He needs to change himself. I believe you're in the right. By leaving and staying away, he has to be looking deeper at himself. He might not like what he sees. If you stay he has no motivation to change. Good luck,,,Linda
Well, my oldest left yesterday to go back. He will start his tour in a few weeks in the Middle East.
Thanks so much for the advice. i know in my heart that nothing will change even though he makes comments that he won't talk to me the way he used to. He says he loves me and was wrong for not appreciating me.
I realize that there is not one perfect family, but the dynamics of my dysfunctional family are chaotic to say the least. My oldest is the most grounded and stable. My eighteen year old son is bipolar, OD, and I can't quite put my finger on whether he is using something or not. The odds say yes with his mental status, but everytime he has been randomly tested it comes out no. That's a plus.
My 15 year old sustained a traumatic brain injury at the age of nine. Me being his mom and a nurse makes me his primary care giver. But, he needs the firm hand of his father cuz I baby him too much. (The mom in me) And I guess I make excuses for his behavior too much, (the nurse in me) So, it is not just a question of what is best for me, or my husband, it is what might be best for the family as a whole.
I chose enabler because I not only do it for him but for the whole family. I was brought up in a family with PMS (physical, mental, and sexual child abuse) So, i know a lot about surrogate roles in the family, co dependency, and enabling. I also know alot about the power of the Lord and faith.
Sorry, I am rambling.......When I grow up I want to be a writer. Ha!Ha!
Thanks so much for the advice. i know in my heart that nothing will change even though he makes comments that he won't talk to me the way he used to. He says he loves me and was wrong for not appreciating me.
I realize that there is not one perfect family, but the dynamics of my dysfunctional family are chaotic to say the least. My oldest is the most grounded and stable. My eighteen year old son is bipolar, OD, and I can't quite put my finger on whether he is using something or not. The odds say yes with his mental status, but everytime he has been randomly tested it comes out no. That's a plus.
My 15 year old sustained a traumatic brain injury at the age of nine. Me being his mom and a nurse makes me his primary care giver. But, he needs the firm hand of his father cuz I baby him too much. (The mom in me) And I guess I make excuses for his behavior too much, (the nurse in me) So, it is not just a question of what is best for me, or my husband, it is what might be best for the family as a whole.
I chose enabler because I not only do it for him but for the whole family. I was brought up in a family with PMS (physical, mental, and sexual child abuse) So, i know a lot about surrogate roles in the family, co dependency, and enabling. I also know alot about the power of the Lord and faith.
Sorry, I am rambling.......When I grow up I want to be a writer. Ha!Ha!
Enabler,
Hi, it's Judy. I wanted to say that my thoughts are prayers are with you and your family as your son goes into action in the middle east. God is with him there and will sustain him through hard times. I truely believe that. Also, you have a lot of faith and God will keep you in peace as you yeild to you, as you well know.
We are here for love, support and strength for you. My late husband was in South East Asia for a year. Take one day at a time.
As far as your hubby I can't give any advice there. I've never been in that situation. Pray for guidance is all I can say. I know about having special needs children, having had one with spinabifida and one developmentally disabled and now with mental and emotional problems. They are all out on their own, all have made it, thank God and my youngest and the one physically challenged is my most grounded and independent one. :-) I think we just raised her to be that way. It seems like the more you get the more you have to let them do for themselves. and.. even though she had some challenges, she excelled well above my others. My 25 year old son is the addict, but has a decent woman in his life and a new baby that brings me joy, joy, joy. she is 6 mo. old.
Anyway, wanted to say hi and give you support here.
Huggs,
Judy.
Hi, it's Judy. I wanted to say that my thoughts are prayers are with you and your family as your son goes into action in the middle east. God is with him there and will sustain him through hard times. I truely believe that. Also, you have a lot of faith and God will keep you in peace as you yeild to you, as you well know.
We are here for love, support and strength for you. My late husband was in South East Asia for a year. Take one day at a time.
As far as your hubby I can't give any advice there. I've never been in that situation. Pray for guidance is all I can say. I know about having special needs children, having had one with spinabifida and one developmentally disabled and now with mental and emotional problems. They are all out on their own, all have made it, thank God and my youngest and the one physically challenged is my most grounded and independent one. :-) I think we just raised her to be that way. It seems like the more you get the more you have to let them do for themselves. and.. even though she had some challenges, she excelled well above my others. My 25 year old son is the addict, but has a decent woman in his life and a new baby that brings me joy, joy, joy. she is 6 mo. old.
Anyway, wanted to say hi and give you support here.
Huggs,
Judy.
Hi judy
You know, I don't have alot of fear with my oldest. I know he is aprehensive. But he is grounded in the Lord. He knows that nothing will happen outside his will. If the worst should happen and he should lose his life, he will be with the Lord. There is no better place to be. So therefore, I don't fear losing him to death. I mostly fear the terrrible things he might see or have to endure. But the Lord can turn those into good as well. It will give him compassion, empathy, and other character that I cannot give him. Only God knows why certain people were sent and others not. He sees the whole picture. Already, I see great changes in my son that I thank the Lord for. He was serving in Italy for the past 2 and a half years and has gained so much insight. He really has learned to appreciate the basic things in life and how one person can make a difference. He has changed his mind about being a policeman and now wants to be a teacher in a small town. I couldn't be prouder. He has made decision about the kind of woman he wants in his life. Again, I couldn't be prouder. I wish his brother would join the military. I grew up in a military family and I am glad I did. I didn't grow up with predudices(sp). I really learned more than I can mention.
You know, I don't have alot of fear with my oldest. I know he is aprehensive. But he is grounded in the Lord. He knows that nothing will happen outside his will. If the worst should happen and he should lose his life, he will be with the Lord. There is no better place to be. So therefore, I don't fear losing him to death. I mostly fear the terrrible things he might see or have to endure. But the Lord can turn those into good as well. It will give him compassion, empathy, and other character that I cannot give him. Only God knows why certain people were sent and others not. He sees the whole picture. Already, I see great changes in my son that I thank the Lord for. He was serving in Italy for the past 2 and a half years and has gained so much insight. He really has learned to appreciate the basic things in life and how one person can make a difference. He has changed his mind about being a policeman and now wants to be a teacher in a small town. I couldn't be prouder. He has made decision about the kind of woman he wants in his life. Again, I couldn't be prouder. I wish his brother would join the military. I grew up in a military family and I am glad I did. I didn't grow up with predudices(sp). I really learned more than I can mention.
Hey,
I think this is the post you were talking about from the other post, enabler.
I just hadn't gotten around to checking in much today. I've had my 5 mo. old grandbaby .
I think Willie, my wonderful other half thinks I've become glued to this computer chair..lol, but he doesn't say anything because he loves me and understands my obsessions and compulsions. lol I wish one of them was organizational skills.
I am decluttering with a yahoo group called freecycle.They are in most cities now and you just sigh up on yahoo. It's awesome. People give away things they no longer use and you can also check on there to see if there are things you need and write and ask for them. I have gotten rid of so much stuff. We are about to start to remodel the kitchen.Anyway, so much for that.
Your son sounds like he is a wonderful young man.
I'm glad he is grounded in the Lord. It will test his faith to be over there.
I have been a strong Christian since 1978, but at times my faith has wavered. I do know that God will never leave me or forsake me and I trust him completely.
You sound very strong and grounded. I need to get like that once again.
If you see this tonight, know that I am praying for your family.
Love and Peace,
Judy
.
I think this is the post you were talking about from the other post, enabler.
I just hadn't gotten around to checking in much today. I've had my 5 mo. old grandbaby .
I think Willie, my wonderful other half thinks I've become glued to this computer chair..lol, but he doesn't say anything because he loves me and understands my obsessions and compulsions. lol I wish one of them was organizational skills.
I am decluttering with a yahoo group called freecycle.They are in most cities now and you just sigh up on yahoo. It's awesome. People give away things they no longer use and you can also check on there to see if there are things you need and write and ask for them. I have gotten rid of so much stuff. We are about to start to remodel the kitchen.Anyway, so much for that.
Your son sounds like he is a wonderful young man.
I'm glad he is grounded in the Lord. It will test his faith to be over there.
I have been a strong Christian since 1978, but at times my faith has wavered. I do know that God will never leave me or forsake me and I trust him completely.
You sound very strong and grounded. I need to get like that once again.
If you see this tonight, know that I am praying for your family.
Love and Peace,
Judy
.