I dont know what I was thinking... back when I was using and happy. I suppose I wasnt thinking. Obviously.
I have a pretty good deal of clean time now. Im counting years now and not months, days or even hours. I remember all of it though.
Im having an awful day. One of those days when it hurts so bad you ask why? If something can make this go away why suffer?
If I used, it wouldnt hurt me that I feel so lonely. I would be busy with that fake sense of well-being and I wouldnt notice that noone notices me. I wouldnt notice them either.
I wouldnt be filled with tears and questions about life that torment me. I would be in bliss. They say ignorance is.
I wouldnt be FURIOUS that I bust into tears when I realize I could make this hurt leave my soul but I dont 'take my medicine'. Happy pills. Self-medicate. Why not?
If it hurts so bad some days, why not? Why are we cursed like this? Or me, I cant speak for you.
I have been clean a long time. The pain never stops. The thoughts never cease. They only intensify according to how well your head is screwed on at the moment.
Sick, sad addict trying to expel some of this demon. If you read this, thank you. Really bad days lately.
Well go back and remember what those pain pills did to you. They turned you into an addict who wanted off that sick ride. Remember the withdrawals you were willing to endure to end the nightmare. Is anything worth going through all that again. Try the regular route for pain - tylenol, aleve, etc. If it is truly unbearable, visit your doctor to see what is causing it and if there are non pill ways of dealing with it. As for the loneliness, everyone gets in those funks. Do something for yourself today. Indulge in a spa visit, shoes, lunch, etc. Call an old friend. "So you had a bad day" - everyone does. Perhaps you can lend a hand to someone really down and out. Put on some music you love, dance, smile, force the happiness til it comes again - it will.
Your post is so sad. Please don't stay inside your head reach out for a little support and laughter. It is the best medicine. You can't stay in your head the committe will get ya. I actually told my self to f*** off this morning literally. I ended up yelling at myself outloud I said f*** off and leave me alone. I can't say I have made it stop. But I have queited it by trying to laugh it off. Have you laughted today. Spill your guts to me and then we can laugh it off what is going on???
Love,
Jane
Love,
Jane
You are not alone in how you feel. At times, I find myself thinking the same things. I am sure that I don't have as much clean time as you, but I still understand what you are going through. I sometimes feel that if I go back to using, atleast I can numb away the pain and run away from some of my responsibilities. When I look back, I swear that things weren't as bad as they were. I really have to take a good look though and realize that they were, and the bad times far out weighed the good. Not only that, everything that I have (and I am sure that you have much more than me becuase you've been clean longer) would be gone in a heartbeat. I have to look at all of the things that I treasure and know that if I went back out, they would all be lost. I feel I have come to far, and so have you. There is nothing that we go through that using can't make worse! Hold on, just don't pick up, pick up the phone, and go to a meeting.
Hey oldschooler! Good for you for reaching out here! Thats not easy...but you are telling on yourself too and that good! I am so sorry that you are going through a rough patch, thats just not fun. It does remind us that we are indeed human! Thats the good news...lol...the bad news is is that we are not "normal" human. Alot of people through these types of patches and don"t reach for a quick fix! The fact that you have some good clean time behind shines..you are doing all the right things!
lets face it life just sucks sometimes...but one thing is for sure...from there there is only one way to go and that is up!
Is there someone you can talk to f2f...its fantastic that your here however...if you can call a trusted friend and go for dinner even if its just a taco or a hamburger...sometimes its the little things in life that bring so much joy!
Hope you get through this unscathed and that you feel better real soon! Sending an angel your way....I have my fair share of good days lately so I am sending some of that energy to you! I guess what I realize is that because things have been so good for me...that perhaps my down is coming, but I will not dwell on that! Enjoy the good when you got it and know that when you don't you will...nothing lasts forever...time moves forward as will you!!!
lets face it life just sucks sometimes...but one thing is for sure...from there there is only one way to go and that is up!
Is there someone you can talk to f2f...its fantastic that your here however...if you can call a trusted friend and go for dinner even if its just a taco or a hamburger...sometimes its the little things in life that bring so much joy!
Hope you get through this unscathed and that you feel better real soon! Sending an angel your way....I have my fair share of good days lately so I am sending some of that energy to you! I guess what I realize is that because things have been so good for me...that perhaps my down is coming, but I will not dwell on that! Enjoy the good when you got it and know that when you don't you will...nothing lasts forever...time moves forward as will you!!!
OS states
I am very sorry you are having a rough time.I'm not familiar with your story so I can only share a little about mine.If even a little bit of it fits,you might get some comfort.
I had always assumed quanity=quality with sobriety time.Not true.There was one time that I actually had 61/2 years of sobriety.I was in and out of the program but mostly out.I refused to work the steps because I was unique and really they were for all those other people.They were sicker than me.I considered myself more intelligent,better looking,more successful,less down on my luck and generally better than the rest of those unfortunate drunks and addicts.They couldn't tell me anything I already didn't know and for the moment I would just humor them with my presense.
It was the most miserable 61/2 years of my life.Every night I went to bed I hated myself.One day didn't pass that I didn't either want to put a gun to my head or get f*cked up.The minutes seemed to click by on the clock.It was life based on self centerdness.I was the only one in my universe and you better not take up too much of my time.I finally got good and f*cked up and continued on that path for about 8 years.I can't even tell you how happy I am that I did that.I couldn't see the forest through the trees.
When I was finally at my bottom,I drug my arrogant butt down that aisle of that NA club and picked up another chip.I was beat up,humiliated and ready to listen.I got a sponsor and he was not nice to me because he knew my history.He immediately started me on the 12 steps and would meet with me once a week to go over my progress.It's been a slow progress and I'm not finished.The deal is though something started changing.I don't know when but it did.Some days I started having a big smile on my face.I started painting again and surfing.I started trying to help others.I began to listen with a new set of ears.
For the first time in my life I knew a freedom and gratitude I could never comprehend. and it just keeps getting better.
Do I have bad days? Hell,yes.I've been down the whole month of Januaray.It doesn't last though and there are tools today that I didn't have before where I can get out of it.
The 2 1/2 years I have today are so much better.
I don't know if you go to meetings but you have to give away this gift you've been given.Why don't you start helping newcomers here?
I'm sorry this is so long but I feel you have to get out of your own head.It can be a lonely place.
Good Luck
| QUOTE |
| have been clean a long time. The pain never stops. The thoughts never cease. They only intensify according to how well your head is screwed on at the moment |
I am very sorry you are having a rough time.I'm not familiar with your story so I can only share a little about mine.If even a little bit of it fits,you might get some comfort.
I had always assumed quanity=quality with sobriety time.Not true.There was one time that I actually had 61/2 years of sobriety.I was in and out of the program but mostly out.I refused to work the steps because I was unique and really they were for all those other people.They were sicker than me.I considered myself more intelligent,better looking,more successful,less down on my luck and generally better than the rest of those unfortunate drunks and addicts.They couldn't tell me anything I already didn't know and for the moment I would just humor them with my presense.
It was the most miserable 61/2 years of my life.Every night I went to bed I hated myself.One day didn't pass that I didn't either want to put a gun to my head or get f*cked up.The minutes seemed to click by on the clock.It was life based on self centerdness.I was the only one in my universe and you better not take up too much of my time.I finally got good and f*cked up and continued on that path for about 8 years.I can't even tell you how happy I am that I did that.I couldn't see the forest through the trees.
When I was finally at my bottom,I drug my arrogant butt down that aisle of that NA club and picked up another chip.I was beat up,humiliated and ready to listen.I got a sponsor and he was not nice to me because he knew my history.He immediately started me on the 12 steps and would meet with me once a week to go over my progress.It's been a slow progress and I'm not finished.The deal is though something started changing.I don't know when but it did.Some days I started having a big smile on my face.I started painting again and surfing.I started trying to help others.I began to listen with a new set of ears.
For the first time in my life I knew a freedom and gratitude I could never comprehend. and it just keeps getting better.
Do I have bad days? Hell,yes.I've been down the whole month of Januaray.It doesn't last though and there are tools today that I didn't have before where I can get out of it.
The 2 1/2 years I have today are so much better.
I don't know if you go to meetings but you have to give away this gift you've been given.Why don't you start helping newcomers here?
I'm sorry this is so long but I feel you have to get out of your own head.It can be a lonely place.
Good Luck
I have bad days too....some worse than others but I'm clean and sober and if I was using, those bad days would be so much worse. I can deal with things so much easier now that I'm clean. You reached out, that's huge. Would you have done that when you were abusing drugs? I wouldn't have. I would have isolated and numbed. Now I feel and deal.
Hang in there. Tomorrow is another chance to get this right.
Cowgirl
Hang in there. Tomorrow is another chance to get this right.
Cowgirl
Old Schooler, Smile today is a new day. Hope you have a great one and are feeling better today. Shantel
Old Schooler-I was hoping you could maybe tell your story here so we can get to know you.I'm not going to be here today but there are some awesome people here that have some good sobriety.
I hope you are in a better place today.If you are not,that's o.k.Let some of these good people talk to you.I know for me it can be very cathartic to write.
Hope to see you around later
I hope you are in a better place today.If you are not,that's o.k.Let some of these good people talk to you.I know for me it can be very cathartic to write.
Hope to see you around later
Search forums for "Skylar". First posted in Nov 2004.
I've always enjoyed your posts Old Schooler.
Sharon
I've always enjoyed your posts Old Schooler.
Sharon
OS,
Id be proud to be able to count my clean time in years, but it sounds like something about your sobriety is not working for you anymore. Do you attend meetings, see a therapist on a regular basis, or have some other form of f2f support?
In the past, Ive been clean for as long as 10 years. I wouldnt have called those years recovery though. While I wasnt uniformly miserable, there were many grey periods when my favorite pastime was planning a clean getaway (suicide, abandonment, patricide, etc). I was angry at my parents, disappointed in my husband, disgusted with myself and emotionally-unavailable to my children. I had an idea of what I and my life should look like and I was sore at anything that marred that image. In retrospect, it doesnt surprise me at all that when I discovered percocet, the drug holiday began. It lasted until March of 05. I missed a lot of my kids growing up, cut off communications with my parents, and effectively let the air out of my marriage.
Im not sure I can put into words why, despite all of this, Im more content now than I was during the ten years when I was either gritting my teeth or later, during temporary drug famines, baring my teeth at sobriety.
Im very bad at dealing with people in despair and at conveying hope. I can only tell you how I found it. I learned that if I was honest about ALL of my feelings, both good and bad, (and I was unskilled at either, knowing only how to express the "correct" emotion) the people Im meant to be with will stick around. I learned to ask for help rather than maintaining a polished and impenetrable exterior.
I discovered that the problems dont go away during the drug holidays, theyre just like a time loan that you take out, and getting clean means its payback time; sometimes that really bites. Im a SA survivor. Getting clean didnt mean I was suddenly cured of that, too. But it means that I can process it effectively now, accepting that process sometimes really, really hurts; and trusting that oftentimes something unexpectedly joyful will come from the work.
Yes, I occasionally still dream about another drug trip to the Club Med in my mind, but I know that Ill either lose my soul there or Ill have to come home eventually to the same problems that sent me away.
The difference is that -- with the help of some very special people -- Ive learned to trust that somebody out there loves me and theres a plan and its going to be all right.
Thats true for all of us. I think your asking for help so honestly here is a sign that youre ready to make some big changes. If youll keep coming back, Ill listen and I'll do what I can to help you get where you want to be.
Warmest regards,
Gina
BTW, Tim, Brilliant post.
Id be proud to be able to count my clean time in years, but it sounds like something about your sobriety is not working for you anymore. Do you attend meetings, see a therapist on a regular basis, or have some other form of f2f support?
In the past, Ive been clean for as long as 10 years. I wouldnt have called those years recovery though. While I wasnt uniformly miserable, there were many grey periods when my favorite pastime was planning a clean getaway (suicide, abandonment, patricide, etc). I was angry at my parents, disappointed in my husband, disgusted with myself and emotionally-unavailable to my children. I had an idea of what I and my life should look like and I was sore at anything that marred that image. In retrospect, it doesnt surprise me at all that when I discovered percocet, the drug holiday began. It lasted until March of 05. I missed a lot of my kids growing up, cut off communications with my parents, and effectively let the air out of my marriage.
Im not sure I can put into words why, despite all of this, Im more content now than I was during the ten years when I was either gritting my teeth or later, during temporary drug famines, baring my teeth at sobriety.
Im very bad at dealing with people in despair and at conveying hope. I can only tell you how I found it. I learned that if I was honest about ALL of my feelings, both good and bad, (and I was unskilled at either, knowing only how to express the "correct" emotion) the people Im meant to be with will stick around. I learned to ask for help rather than maintaining a polished and impenetrable exterior.
I discovered that the problems dont go away during the drug holidays, theyre just like a time loan that you take out, and getting clean means its payback time; sometimes that really bites. Im a SA survivor. Getting clean didnt mean I was suddenly cured of that, too. But it means that I can process it effectively now, accepting that process sometimes really, really hurts; and trusting that oftentimes something unexpectedly joyful will come from the work.
Yes, I occasionally still dream about another drug trip to the Club Med in my mind, but I know that Ill either lose my soul there or Ill have to come home eventually to the same problems that sent me away.
The difference is that -- with the help of some very special people -- Ive learned to trust that somebody out there loves me and theres a plan and its going to be all right.
Thats true for all of us. I think your asking for help so honestly here is a sign that youre ready to make some big changes. If youll keep coming back, Ill listen and I'll do what I can to help you get where you want to be.
Warmest regards,
Gina
BTW, Tim, Brilliant post.
OS,
Hope you're feeling better. What have you done for your recovery today?
Take good care of yourself.
Cheers,
Gina
Hope you're feeling better. What have you done for your recovery today?
Take good care of yourself.
Cheers,
Gina
Thank all of you very much for your replies. I read each word and Im soaking it up.
Im not very verbose. Tend to measure my words and speak out only when I feel it could change someones life, or situation at the time, if I didnt offer my advice. Otherwise, I let people roll on their journey.
I am having a better day today. I am self-employed and that affords me to shut in. I got into this funk after my house was robbed Christmas eve of everything. They even drilled the safe out of the floor.
Users dont have crap. I dont equate my worth with my possessions but them being taken from me has been almost more than I can bare.
Worked so damn hard for all of it. Didnt even have a matchbox car to give my baby Christmas day, explain to a 6 yr old that a mean scary robber came in and took everything. Quite a contrast to the traditional Santa story.
My camera... I ache for it. I had gotten really good and it was my Zen. I would run off with all my equipment and crawl around in the woods taking macro images of all kind of cool stuff.
Made me feel like a child. Made me feel close to my homeland. Made to grateful to be alive and finally see.
I havent left the house since I can remember. So embarrassing. Im not even sure I have left since I returned around 3 pm on Christmas Eve and realized I had been hit. During the day. Broad daylight while I ran to Big Lots for more wrapping paper.
Jeez, thought I said I was verbose. I have in-pointed it down to longing for my camera. The freedom it gave me. The gradification.
Im a lost soul in a fish bowl. I'll get up though.
Has anyone ever had a 'nervous breakdown'? What are they? Can you explain what that means?
Im not very verbose. Tend to measure my words and speak out only when I feel it could change someones life, or situation at the time, if I didnt offer my advice. Otherwise, I let people roll on their journey.
I am having a better day today. I am self-employed and that affords me to shut in. I got into this funk after my house was robbed Christmas eve of everything. They even drilled the safe out of the floor.
Users dont have crap. I dont equate my worth with my possessions but them being taken from me has been almost more than I can bare.
Worked so damn hard for all of it. Didnt even have a matchbox car to give my baby Christmas day, explain to a 6 yr old that a mean scary robber came in and took everything. Quite a contrast to the traditional Santa story.
My camera... I ache for it. I had gotten really good and it was my Zen. I would run off with all my equipment and crawl around in the woods taking macro images of all kind of cool stuff.
Made me feel like a child. Made me feel close to my homeland. Made to grateful to be alive and finally see.
I havent left the house since I can remember. So embarrassing. Im not even sure I have left since I returned around 3 pm on Christmas Eve and realized I had been hit. During the day. Broad daylight while I ran to Big Lots for more wrapping paper.
Jeez, thought I said I was verbose. I have in-pointed it down to longing for my camera. The freedom it gave me. The gradification.
Im a lost soul in a fish bowl. I'll get up though.
Has anyone ever had a 'nervous breakdown'? What are they? Can you explain what that means?
It sounds like grief. You need to mourn your losses, pick yourself up and move on. Time. It takes time Skylar.
I am so very sorry for what your family went through. I can't imagine feeling that safetyness which is home, being trashed.
Do you have someone to talk too? Someone face to face? In addition to your camera, it sounds like you can use your words in the same way. You are so good with them...I love reading your posts.
I think I would be so angry...not sure how I would deal with it.
Take care
Cowgirl
I am so very sorry for what your family went through. I can't imagine feeling that safetyness which is home, being trashed.
Do you have someone to talk too? Someone face to face? In addition to your camera, it sounds like you can use your words in the same way. You are so good with them...I love reading your posts.
I think I would be so angry...not sure how I would deal with it.
Take care
Cowgirl
Old Schooler, I know how you feel. I thought I was having a breakdown after my husband and I got robbed in Cancun. I felt very violated as they had taken things that were very near and dear to me which I can never replace. It took me along time to get over it. It wasn't so much the credit cards and ID's they took those could be replaced but it was things like my kids first baby pictures or other personal items that I kept in my wallet. It sucks. Sorry that happened to you. Shantel
Its had an impact. Its 11:30 am and noone is here right now. I want so badly to shower and get 'pretty'. That always makes a girl feel better.
But, I dont have that freedom now. I plan around the robbery.
My son will get off at 4 and drop by to see me. I always say, "Let mama jump in the shower before you go". But, he is no fool. He knows the baby (almost 7, have to stop calling him that) would be fine while I was in there.
I shower as he sits on my bed telling me 'youre getting sadder mama and its because you dont go nowhere'. Might sound weird to some but I have never had a problem being naked in front my of kids. Open door policy, knock first. But Lord, let them think I got a peek at their tally wackers and they FREAK. Ha! Boys.
He rides me about it but I dont want to go anywhere. Im fine here. Not missing a thing. Like granny always said: Cant get in trouble if you stay your little hot a$$ at home missy'.
Wise ol soul she was.
But, I dont have that freedom now. I plan around the robbery.
My son will get off at 4 and drop by to see me. I always say, "Let mama jump in the shower before you go". But, he is no fool. He knows the baby (almost 7, have to stop calling him that) would be fine while I was in there.
I shower as he sits on my bed telling me 'youre getting sadder mama and its because you dont go nowhere'. Might sound weird to some but I have never had a problem being naked in front my of kids. Open door policy, knock first. But Lord, let them think I got a peek at their tally wackers and they FREAK. Ha! Boys.
He rides me about it but I dont want to go anywhere. Im fine here. Not missing a thing. Like granny always said: Cant get in trouble if you stay your little hot a$$ at home missy'.
Wise ol soul she was.
Hey Skylar:
I feel your pain. Robbery is such a creepy invasion. It takes time...but it does leave you eventually.
I am dealing with a different kind of grief...but isolating none the less. I am hoping that time takes care of me too.
Can you get yourself a new camera? I think you deserve one...and also deserve your creative outlet back. I know that my work (I am an artist) is the only place I can put this despair right now...and even that is a push.
Don't you wish we could just levitate this stuff right off our hearts??? I know I do!
Peace.
Sarah
I feel your pain. Robbery is such a creepy invasion. It takes time...but it does leave you eventually.
I am dealing with a different kind of grief...but isolating none the less. I am hoping that time takes care of me too.
Can you get yourself a new camera? I think you deserve one...and also deserve your creative outlet back. I know that my work (I am an artist) is the only place I can put this despair right now...and even that is a push.
Don't you wish we could just levitate this stuff right off our hearts??? I know I do!
Peace.
Sarah
One small step for one addict; a huge leap for mankind!
I just hopped in the shower ALL ALONE !
After reading my last post I deciding to take my power back. My freedom to live my life unafraid and stiffled by routine.
They took so much, this I could take back AND I DID.
Clean happy girl!
Ya'll can hug me now. :)
EDIT: Some days I simply can not type. I think if I get distracted it goes to pot. And I dont proof-read. Sorry!
I just hopped in the shower ALL ALONE !
After reading my last post I deciding to take my power back. My freedom to live my life unafraid and stiffled by routine.
They took so much, this I could take back AND I DID.
Clean happy girl!
Ya'll can hug me now. :)
EDIT: Some days I simply can not type. I think if I get distracted it goes to pot. And I dont proof-read. Sorry!
Good for you Skylar...maybe now there is hope for me!
Congratulations.
Sarah
Congratulations.
Sarah
Skylar,im am so very sorry for all that youve been through.
Sounds like you still have alot in your life to be very grateful for.Your sobriety,your child,etc....
Im happy to hear you took the plunge and got in the shower.Our very thoughtful,caring board member Thumper swears its the greatest stress reliever/mood stabilizer there is,and i must agree,it helps alot.
Today is another day,another day to move forward,rebuild,and be thankful for what you have.
I hope you can replace your camera soon,i know i would be lost without mine.Take care,keep posting~KIM
Sounds like you still have alot in your life to be very grateful for.Your sobriety,your child,etc....
Im happy to hear you took the plunge and got in the shower.Our very thoughtful,caring board member Thumper swears its the greatest stress reliever/mood stabilizer there is,and i must agree,it helps alot.
Today is another day,another day to move forward,rebuild,and be thankful for what you have.
I hope you can replace your camera soon,i know i would be lost without mine.Take care,keep posting~KIM
