OK. Now I've told my therapist and that went really well. I prefaced the admission by saying, "I'll understand if you dump me as a patient because I've been lying about this for so long." He said he would never do that and that he would remain neutral even if I relapsed. I'm so glad he volunteered that because it means I don't have to lie to him if I blow this. He won't judge and won't try to make me do anything I'm not ready for.
He also said he never imagined that was a problem because it never showed. That's part of the problem, because it never shows.
I dont want to rain on your parade but, if your therapist said that to you (about relapsing) it sounds like he gave you the ok to use, and you accepted it.
These things rent space in our head and we can "justify" it in our sick minds... especially if a doctor told us. Please keep that in mind
But, hey, good move telling him.
Best Regards,
Tom
These things rent space in our head and we can "justify" it in our sick minds... especially if a doctor told us. Please keep that in mind
But, hey, good move telling him.
Best Regards,
Tom
How cool is that? Bet you feel relieved. And you're right, it doesn't show, we hide it well. It reminded me how meticulous I was about dr visits. (didn't want to appear like an addict) I always looked my best and presented myself in a pleasant way. Comically, at times the staff would even gossip to me about some of the behavior of addicts that they treated, never once associating me with one. I put alot of effort into being fully functional, lol. Love, Kat
Good point, Tom, I didn't catch that. Take Tom's advice, keep that in mind. We have to be soooooo vigilant.
Good point, Tom, I didn't catch that. Take Tom's advice, keep that in mind. We have to be soooooo vigilant.
Kat and Tom,
You two are so sharp. After I posted, I thought, good grief, I hope it doesn't lead anyone to think that a doctor said it was okay to relapse. I should have said his position was, "I'll be here for you no matter what." Which is the same message I get from this site.
Anyway, like you said on vinny's thread, I finally woke up to the fact that the euphoria I was chasing isn't ever going to be there for me again chemically. So I'll try something different, like telling the truth to select folks for a change. (Still haven't told my husband. Geez.)
Yes, Kat, I was always so pulled together on those dr. visits. I'm trying to work out if there was some power tripping component to it -- hah, fooled you again sort of business. Not a pretty picture.
You two are so sharp. After I posted, I thought, good grief, I hope it doesn't lead anyone to think that a doctor said it was okay to relapse. I should have said his position was, "I'll be here for you no matter what." Which is the same message I get from this site.
Anyway, like you said on vinny's thread, I finally woke up to the fact that the euphoria I was chasing isn't ever going to be there for me again chemically. So I'll try something different, like telling the truth to select folks for a change. (Still haven't told my husband. Geez.)
Yes, Kat, I was always so pulled together on those dr. visits. I'm trying to work out if there was some power tripping component to it -- hah, fooled you again sort of business. Not a pretty picture.
SoccerMom, (I'm sorry I forgot your name....was it Amanda? After you tell me this time I'll remember. Overlook me, it's the born with alzheimers thing, lol)
I read what you wrote on another thread about your concerns over telling your husband. (don't clobber me, Teresa, lol) But I really understand your hesitation. If I were afraid of the husband taking the kids and leaving, I might just tread lightly too. Maybe, when you feel the time is right, you could ease him into it just a little at a time. Like......I think maybe my medication is becoming difficult for me and wanted to share this concern with you. Sort of downplay it abit. I realize I might get some criticism for that opinion but like you, I can't imagine staying clean and in recovery without my kids. They are my world and I just couldn't jeopardize them. Of course getting clean I did for me, but they were still the driving force behind it as well.
Okay guys, clobber lightly if you must, lol. Love, Kat
oh and about the dr visits. I think I didn't like to be viewed as an addict. And on a deeper and more manipulitive level, I knew that having the respect of my dr ensured the continuation of my meds. She wasn't going to cut me off or recommend rehab or something because I obviously was not an addict. How's that for sick? lol
I read what you wrote on another thread about your concerns over telling your husband. (don't clobber me, Teresa, lol) But I really understand your hesitation. If I were afraid of the husband taking the kids and leaving, I might just tread lightly too. Maybe, when you feel the time is right, you could ease him into it just a little at a time. Like......I think maybe my medication is becoming difficult for me and wanted to share this concern with you. Sort of downplay it abit. I realize I might get some criticism for that opinion but like you, I can't imagine staying clean and in recovery without my kids. They are my world and I just couldn't jeopardize them. Of course getting clean I did for me, but they were still the driving force behind it as well.
Okay guys, clobber lightly if you must, lol. Love, Kat
oh and about the dr visits. I think I didn't like to be viewed as an addict. And on a deeper and more manipulitive level, I knew that having the respect of my dr ensured the continuation of my meds. She wasn't going to cut me off or recommend rehab or something because I obviously was not an addict. How's that for sick? lol
Hey Kat,
Anon. was a woman...
There's nothing wrong with your memory. I've never posted my name. Hi, I'm Gina, aka Soccermom. It's good to know you (I mean that).
So I'm writing this down on a piece of paper: "Kat says tread lightly. 'I'm having a little trouble with my medications...' Tom and bumpnbad: Blurt it out. Teresa: Just get it over with. Mrs.U: Be careful who you tell."
Bring it up in couples counselling? Or take him to my therapist with me. (These require waiting until we're back in the US.)
I'm leaning heavily towards the anonymous phone tip.
None of the advice is actually mutually exclusive. I will probably try all approaches at once and then cry, which is taking unfair advantage.
Anyway, I've done enough for one day. My therapist said that a successful session like we had today (via long-distance phone) was what made his work worthwhile. Happy to spread joy where I can. I'd better sign off. I'm getting punchy.
And how are you doing today?
Cheers,
Gina
Anon. was a woman...
There's nothing wrong with your memory. I've never posted my name. Hi, I'm Gina, aka Soccermom. It's good to know you (I mean that).
So I'm writing this down on a piece of paper: "Kat says tread lightly. 'I'm having a little trouble with my medications...' Tom and bumpnbad: Blurt it out. Teresa: Just get it over with. Mrs.U: Be careful who you tell."
Bring it up in couples counselling? Or take him to my therapist with me. (These require waiting until we're back in the US.)
I'm leaning heavily towards the anonymous phone tip.
None of the advice is actually mutually exclusive. I will probably try all approaches at once and then cry, which is taking unfair advantage.
Anyway, I've done enough for one day. My therapist said that a successful session like we had today (via long-distance phone) was what made his work worthwhile. Happy to spread joy where I can. I'd better sign off. I'm getting punchy.
And how are you doing today?
Cheers,
Gina
Hi Gina, nice to officially meet you. Anonymous phone tip......now that's funny. If tears work and you can do it, go for it, lol. In the meantime, don't worry about it too much. One thing at a time. I like your sense of humor, trust me, it will get you through all this. Love, Kat
hey soccermom, I'm really proud of you honey.
last night mrsunderstood asked why i changed my icon because they other one was so cute.
I changed it because my addiction resembled "horton hears a who" in my mind horton is the only one who hears that i have the addiction, "we are here, we are here, we are here" he continues to hear this and everyone not knowing thinks he is just a little crazy....it goes on and on, him hearing it and people thinking he is nuts, until one day everyone yells and yells and yells, but it takes the smallest person to finally add their voice and say "YOP!" and finally everyone can hear and believe that Horton is indeed sane, and wanting to help all those people, that in my mind was the day that i told my husband, the YOP that will save my life.
last night mrsunderstood asked why i changed my icon because they other one was so cute.
I changed it because my addiction resembled "horton hears a who" in my mind horton is the only one who hears that i have the addiction, "we are here, we are here, we are here" he continues to hear this and everyone not knowing thinks he is just a little crazy....it goes on and on, him hearing it and people thinking he is nuts, until one day everyone yells and yells and yells, but it takes the smallest person to finally add their voice and say "YOP!" and finally everyone can hear and believe that Horton is indeed sane, and wanting to help all those people, that in my mind was the day that i told my husband, the YOP that will save my life.
Gina,
LMAO...anonymous phone tip.. Thats the funniest thing I have heard all day...
If you leaning towards which method to use... keep in mind, If you just blurt it out, and its taken badly, just say you came down with a temporary case of turretts syndrome...
Regards,
Tom
LMAO...anonymous phone tip.. Thats the funniest thing I have heard all day...
If you leaning towards which method to use... keep in mind, If you just blurt it out, and its taken badly, just say you came down with a temporary case of turretts syndrome...
Regards,
Tom
Tom,
Your suggestion... I like it. I like it. It's along the lines of my idea of the 3 a.m. blurt and if he freaks, I'll say (groggily), "Aw, gee. Was I talking in my sleep? That was the weirdest dream I had."
I've contemplated the confidential interoffice memo, Fedex (We Deliver), telling his secretary and having her put it in his diary. Homemade fortune cookie. Then there's the ever popular singing telegram. Or the singing telegram delivered by a STRIPPER. (He's not a stripper kind of guy so what I'm counting on here is the initial embarrassment over the messenger outweighing the shock of the message.)
Y'all tell me when you think this thread has reached saturation point.
Coming back down to earth. Like Kat says, I won't worry at it so much. I'm hoping, as happened with you, the right time won't be the time I schedule, but I'll know it's right when it arrives.
How are you doing today?
Cheers,
Gina
Your suggestion... I like it. I like it. It's along the lines of my idea of the 3 a.m. blurt and if he freaks, I'll say (groggily), "Aw, gee. Was I talking in my sleep? That was the weirdest dream I had."
I've contemplated the confidential interoffice memo, Fedex (We Deliver), telling his secretary and having her put it in his diary. Homemade fortune cookie. Then there's the ever popular singing telegram. Or the singing telegram delivered by a STRIPPER. (He's not a stripper kind of guy so what I'm counting on here is the initial embarrassment over the messenger outweighing the shock of the message.)
Y'all tell me when you think this thread has reached saturation point.
Coming back down to earth. Like Kat says, I won't worry at it so much. I'm hoping, as happened with you, the right time won't be the time I schedule, but I'll know it's right when it arrives.
How are you doing today?
Cheers,
Gina
A reply from the 'other side of the fence" -- I just found this site tonight, and I hope I am not breaking an unwritten code here by posting...if I have, I truly apologize. I am the family member (former spouse) of a long-time addict. Addictions that have run from binge drinking to gambling to the latest of prescription drugs. I spent 20 years working through these various addictions with my spouse, always fearful of another relapse, but always grateful when he could get help and be open with me. When I found out he was still doing the drugs after repeatedly telling me he had stopped, I confronted him and he continued to lie to me. That moment was the last straw for me. I tell you this because had he told me the truth, (and not all the nitty gritty details, just 'yes' I am still doing drugs) I would not have left, and we would not now be divorced. I understand from all the years of recovery work that this is not something one can control without help, and it is an awful burden for someone to bear. But had he been honest with me, I would have been willing to share that burden with him once again. What robbed him of his family was not the drugs, it was the dishonesty. Once trust is gone, it's gone. I don't know what your situation is, or what your husband has experienced in terms of addiction issues in your relationship, and perhaps being completely honest with him would be a disaster. But the toll that keeping it from him takes on you is high. I think the suggestion of having him join you in a therapy session to talk this out is wonderful - and maybe your therapist (who sounds very understanding) can help you work through how to do that. I think all of you are so brave to do what you are doing - getting help, and sharing your stories. I hope I have not offended anyone, and that there is something in my story that will help you. -
Mitzi,
No, you are not breaking any rule by your post. It is helpful to get input from the other side. Thank you for your take. I have been reading this post and wanted to let you know that we welcome all help in the spirit in which you gave it. Good Night and thanks from an addict.
No, you are not breaking any rule by your post. It is helpful to get input from the other side. Thank you for your take. I have been reading this post and wanted to let you know that we welcome all help in the spirit in which you gave it. Good Night and thanks from an addict.
Hey Mitzi,
Well, you certainly haven't offended me. I hope I haven't offended you by riffing on a topic that must hurt you a great deal. While I have treated it light-heartedly in my posts, it is not a subject I take lightly. I'm glad you replied. I have been checking in on the Families site, hoping for some insight. A view from the other side is very useful.
Here's my difficulty. I have lied by omission to my husband but I haven't broken any promises. The subject simply does not come up. He regards my drug use in the same way I regard his couple of glasses of wine with dinner. He doesn't check my pill bottle any more than I check the contents of the wine case. I would be floored if he told me he was an alcoholic. I simply have no frame of reference for how to make this admission. It will come out of a clear blue sky for him.
It would be helpful to me if you could go back to the first time you became aware of your ex-spouse's problem, before promises were made or broken. How did he tell you? How did you respond? It would probably be best to take him to my therapist, but we are out of the country until the end of June and keeping my mouth shut for 7 weeks is not a thought I'm proud of.
Your warm and supportive words are greatly appreciated. I imagine it's not easy for you to let go of the resentment. Thank you for your post and for any help you can offer.
Well, you certainly haven't offended me. I hope I haven't offended you by riffing on a topic that must hurt you a great deal. While I have treated it light-heartedly in my posts, it is not a subject I take lightly. I'm glad you replied. I have been checking in on the Families site, hoping for some insight. A view from the other side is very useful.
Here's my difficulty. I have lied by omission to my husband but I haven't broken any promises. The subject simply does not come up. He regards my drug use in the same way I regard his couple of glasses of wine with dinner. He doesn't check my pill bottle any more than I check the contents of the wine case. I would be floored if he told me he was an alcoholic. I simply have no frame of reference for how to make this admission. It will come out of a clear blue sky for him.
It would be helpful to me if you could go back to the first time you became aware of your ex-spouse's problem, before promises were made or broken. How did he tell you? How did you respond? It would probably be best to take him to my therapist, but we are out of the country until the end of June and keeping my mouth shut for 7 weeks is not a thought I'm proud of.
Your warm and supportive words are greatly appreciated. I imagine it's not easy for you to let go of the resentment. Thank you for your post and for any help you can offer.
Gina, singing telegram delivered by a stripper, you're hysterical. Can you imagine? LMAO! Your husband not being the type to enjoy it would probably tell you it was fine about the addiction, just don't send anymore strippers, lol. And of course if he didn't take it well you could always say it was just a joke. That's the best idea so far, lol. Love, Kat
SoccerMom- Thanks for your response! I was worried my posting would not be well-received. And thank you for your sensitivity to where I may be at in my own grief. I still have resentment, but I certainly am not hurt by what I read on this board - quite the opposite. It is helpful to see for myself a bit of what an addict has to go through. As far as my former husband telling me he had a problem, he never did. It would get so out of hand that I would be the one to confront him. Followed by vehement denials, worse behavior, to the inevitable 'bottoming out' and then he had no option but to get help. To be honest, what I resented was having to be the one to notice the problems. I know it is hard to bring up something so spontaneously. And I again, I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your husband. I can only share my story and how little things could have made a big difference. The next thing I am going to say may sound hurtful, but please know I say it to be helpful -- NOT sharing something feels just like a lie, sometimes worse, for the other person. Because I assure you, he will figure this out sooner or later, and then feel that you have deceived him for all that time. It then makes everything suspect in your relationship. The old "if you could hide this from me, what else have you hidden?" train of thought. I sense that you kind of know this, and you really want to open up to him. It won't be easy no matter what. But for your own soul's peace, it seems you have to walk that path and share with him. If I may offer this little suggestion: my child and I have started a once a month "Table Talk" time where we discuss ANYTHING... pets, school, sex, drugs, divorce, the weather. It is open-forum, and a way to get past the discomfort of having to have an opening to lead into a serious (or not so serious) discussion. Maybe something like that could make it easier for you. If you search your heart and believe that your husband loves you no matter what, I believe you will be amazed at how he will feel respected and honored that you could be that vulnerable and trust him like that.
Perhaps you can tell him you are concerned about your dependence on the drugs you are taking, and are seeking help and would like him to support you in that, and keep it simple. You don't sound like you are looking for him to confirm it, it sounds like you have already done the HARD work of coming to acceptance of your dependence and are moving forward anyway. So it's really about healing your heart, and possibly creating an even stronger bond in your marriage. Again, I tread cautiously here as I don't know what he is like, or what your relationship is, but you know your heart and his, and I believe you will make the decision that is the best for you. I'm praying for you and him, SoccerMom, and please let the folks on the board know how you are doing. You have a TON of people on this board that you have impacted, who really support you and that is so awesome! - peace.
Perhaps you can tell him you are concerned about your dependence on the drugs you are taking, and are seeking help and would like him to support you in that, and keep it simple. You don't sound like you are looking for him to confirm it, it sounds like you have already done the HARD work of coming to acceptance of your dependence and are moving forward anyway. So it's really about healing your heart, and possibly creating an even stronger bond in your marriage. Again, I tread cautiously here as I don't know what he is like, or what your relationship is, but you know your heart and his, and I believe you will make the decision that is the best for you. I'm praying for you and him, SoccerMom, and please let the folks on the board know how you are doing. You have a TON of people on this board that you have impacted, who really support you and that is so awesome! - peace.
Who cares if people like a post or not. Post what you feal, mean, need to say. People either like it or not, if not they get over it. Fear of posting or replying should NEVER be an issue.
Neither should feeling as if things need to be sugar coated to go down. The pills werent and we gobbled them up like lil turkeys... even big ones. REAL big ones... with nothing to drink on top of it...... come on now.... ya know ya've done it! *giggle* In an addicts mind, what cant be swollowed must be chewed, which isnt even a bad idea to an addict. Ha! God, glad I never have to taste that bitter taste again. Anyway....
Soccer: Maybe you can tell your husband you have something planned for him and have him meet you at your therepists... sort of like a reverse intervention. Just a thought. Then you dont have to worry as much about his reaction, PLUS, the Dr will take control of the situation once the words leave your mouth, if you would like that. Very healthy in the sense he has a professional there to help him with the news and you are in your safe place. You may leave there holding hands ready to conquer the world.
I can promise you one thing hun, hiding addiction is A LOT easier than hiding recovery. In my heart, I dont feel you can hide that from someone you are that close to unless he is totally unplugged as to what is going on in his world. If he caught on before you came clean with him it could create major trust issues.
I am VERY proud of you soccermom, you accepted your addiction and are being pro-active in obtaining a recovery plan. I can see a success story in you already. I hope I can help you a lil along the way.
Neither should feeling as if things need to be sugar coated to go down. The pills werent and we gobbled them up like lil turkeys... even big ones. REAL big ones... with nothing to drink on top of it...... come on now.... ya know ya've done it! *giggle* In an addicts mind, what cant be swollowed must be chewed, which isnt even a bad idea to an addict. Ha! God, glad I never have to taste that bitter taste again. Anyway....
Soccer: Maybe you can tell your husband you have something planned for him and have him meet you at your therepists... sort of like a reverse intervention. Just a thought. Then you dont have to worry as much about his reaction, PLUS, the Dr will take control of the situation once the words leave your mouth, if you would like that. Very healthy in the sense he has a professional there to help him with the news and you are in your safe place. You may leave there holding hands ready to conquer the world.
I can promise you one thing hun, hiding addiction is A LOT easier than hiding recovery. In my heart, I dont feel you can hide that from someone you are that close to unless he is totally unplugged as to what is going on in his world. If he caught on before you came clean with him it could create major trust issues.
I am VERY proud of you soccermom, you accepted your addiction and are being pro-active in obtaining a recovery plan. I can see a success story in you already. I hope I can help you a lil along the way.
maybe i am not understanding this post corectly and if so disregard my ignorance, but i see it as being concerned as who to tell and who not to tell cause of what some one might think or say about being an admitted drug addict. and what to tell and how much to tell and yadda yadda. well in my experience. i told everyone. my parents my husbands my friends my coworkers my kids my pastor my neighbors the parents of kids my kids went to school with and ya know what. i got support from each and every one of them. they were concerned. they had questions. they wanted to be educated they knew people just like me. some of them were themselves just like me and were relieved to know that help was available. one was even a worship leader in my church who was addicted!! i told the truth. i was tired of lying. i wasnt going to ly about my addiction any more. all that did was keep me sick. when i was able to open up and tell the truth i was able to get the proper help i needed. not false help or half a$$ed help from a lie. if some one cops an attitude and looks at you differently maybe its cause they are scared of the un known. they just need to be educated. if they are out right crual and think you arent worth breathing the same air as them, well then send ther happy lil tails packing. its thier loss. but i tell ya i have not lost one friend coworker etc except drug friends and associates and it was time for them to go anyway. so anyhow. thats just my to cents. secrets/shame/guilt/lies creates anxiety /panic and kills/breaks the spirit/mind body/soul
oh and the reason i chose to tell, was because of my behavior change past while using and present while recovering, i explained i had a disease called addiction and this is what happens. just like if you had cancer would you has hey i dond have cancer i just had my head shaved to have a really cool face lift its a really cool new procedure all the elite people are doing it heheh
terrianne
oh and the reason i chose to tell, was because of my behavior change past while using and present while recovering, i explained i had a disease called addiction and this is what happens. just like if you had cancer would you has hey i dond have cancer i just had my head shaved to have a really cool face lift its a really cool new procedure all the elite people are doing it heheh
terrianne
gina,
sorry i just got on and read your question to me and read this thread... I think you got the right advise from mitzi.... I know this will be hard... but .... this is part of the better or worse..... It is selfish not to let him in on this.. let him help and support you.... dishonesty will kill your marriage and this is dishonest by not telling him.... you have made the steps to get help ... tell him that you have recognized the problem... that you need his love and support now more than ever .. that you need your family... tell him how he can help... offer him education.. ( you can get this at a book store or off the net..) help him to know that this is a disease but not an exuse... let him know what your plans are to 'fix' it.... relapse prevention.... dont just let it hang out there with him not knowing how you and he can move forward.... give him something to grasp to help you pull up with....
If he is the kind of man that is committed and loving... He will walk this walk with you and though this will scare him and he will be upset and maybe a little disappointed at first ... when this is less shocking for him and you keep doing well and share things together with him.... you both just may be drawn closer and he might find a deep respect for you..... I am telling you.... this can happen...
Just trust in a Higher Power... but if something happens and he finds out someway else .. either through a relapse or a doctor or whatever.. and you never told him.. what will that say about your marriage... your trust ... and your recovery deep down....
just my two cents.... fear sometimes keeps us sick.... (would you want to know if the shoes were reversed.. would you have a right to know..?)
Teresa
sorry i just got on and read your question to me and read this thread... I think you got the right advise from mitzi.... I know this will be hard... but .... this is part of the better or worse..... It is selfish not to let him in on this.. let him help and support you.... dishonesty will kill your marriage and this is dishonest by not telling him.... you have made the steps to get help ... tell him that you have recognized the problem... that you need his love and support now more than ever .. that you need your family... tell him how he can help... offer him education.. ( you can get this at a book store or off the net..) help him to know that this is a disease but not an exuse... let him know what your plans are to 'fix' it.... relapse prevention.... dont just let it hang out there with him not knowing how you and he can move forward.... give him something to grasp to help you pull up with....
If he is the kind of man that is committed and loving... He will walk this walk with you and though this will scare him and he will be upset and maybe a little disappointed at first ... when this is less shocking for him and you keep doing well and share things together with him.... you both just may be drawn closer and he might find a deep respect for you..... I am telling you.... this can happen...
Just trust in a Higher Power... but if something happens and he finds out someway else .. either through a relapse or a doctor or whatever.. and you never told him.. what will that say about your marriage... your trust ... and your recovery deep down....
just my two cents.... fear sometimes keeps us sick.... (would you want to know if the shoes were reversed.. would you have a right to know..?)
Teresa
Gina, one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, besides getting off those nasty vics, was telling my husband. I'd lied to him so much. He knew I was on pain pills because of my chronic pain but didn't realize (or thought) how much I was taking. I finally got to the point that there was no way out and he was going to find out anyway, but it is so much better coming from you. I sat with my therapist and Dave, shaking, crying, and spilled it out. About the drugs, the money I spent on them, and do you know what he did. He got up and hugged me. I think he was so relieved to finally know my secrets. He knew something was up, but didn't know exactly what it was. It was very hard at first, him accepting this, plus all the money, but I'm finally gaining his trust back, very slowly....but we are still a family and at least I can go talk to him when I feel like using. Think about it, it probably will work out fine and coming clean is a total lift off your shoulders.
Teresa, I think we were writing at the same time. Our posts sound so much alike!!!!
