Lately i have read some very kind posts asking me back to the board.I am very thankful to have met so many kind people.
My reasons for not being here are not frustration based.The last few days,the poop has hit the fan.I now find myself in the midst of relapse.The problem is that i dont feel overwhelming guilt or shame.My method of dealing with problems is to get high and stay high.It has not been just oxys,but coke as well.
I've made an appointment with my counellor for friday,but she is of limited help.She just basically pulls your inside out,something i learned to do at rehab.I am comfortable telling all,wether i'm right or wrong.I will come around but right now,emotional numbness seems right for me.
kenny
dear kenny -
it's so nice to hear your voice - even in its' angst, it's a beautiful song.
i remember when i relapsed and for quite some time, i could not admit this - to others or self. the first step to healing was to recognize that i had done so and seek help.
i honor that place in your that is true. that place that has enabled you with courage to come forward and relate what is going on. and i am encouraged to hear that you are going for some help. there is absolutely no reason, kenny, why we have to do this alone.
i hope you will get clean soon, so you will be able to learn to deal with life of life's terms sans drugs. nothing made much sense to me, while using. i have read some extremely loving message filled with gratitude towards you and hasten to remind you that deep down inside you are love - yet that's so difficult to believe while we are under the influence.
write soon my friend - let us love you until you return to that state of love.
hugs and much encouragement to you -
sammy
it's so nice to hear your voice - even in its' angst, it's a beautiful song.
i remember when i relapsed and for quite some time, i could not admit this - to others or self. the first step to healing was to recognize that i had done so and seek help.
i honor that place in your that is true. that place that has enabled you with courage to come forward and relate what is going on. and i am encouraged to hear that you are going for some help. there is absolutely no reason, kenny, why we have to do this alone.
i hope you will get clean soon, so you will be able to learn to deal with life of life's terms sans drugs. nothing made much sense to me, while using. i have read some extremely loving message filled with gratitude towards you and hasten to remind you that deep down inside you are love - yet that's so difficult to believe while we are under the influence.
write soon my friend - let us love you until you return to that state of love.
hugs and much encouragement to you -
sammy
sam
thank you for your understanding.
I have seen "life on life's terms" many times lately.AT first it seemed straight forward.Then i sat to think of it and apply it to my world as it seems that,for a phrase ,it posseses substantial meaning and power.It turns out that i lack a true understanding of it.
The ease that i can admit a problem with dependency scares me.It seems to come up every couple of years.
kenny
the lack of sleep brought friday very quickly.Appt in 4 hours.
thank you for your understanding.
I have seen "life on life's terms" many times lately.AT first it seemed straight forward.Then i sat to think of it and apply it to my world as it seems that,for a phrase ,it posseses substantial meaning and power.It turns out that i lack a true understanding of it.
The ease that i can admit a problem with dependency scares me.It seems to come up every couple of years.
kenny
the lack of sleep brought friday very quickly.Appt in 4 hours.
Kenny,
You slipped, you're human. You're doing the best you can to cope with the situation you're dealing with. I can't walk in your shoes, but I can feel the pain.
Don't beat yourself up. At least you are being honest. You are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Sharon
You slipped, you're human. You're doing the best you can to cope with the situation you're dealing with. I can't walk in your shoes, but I can feel the pain.
Don't beat yourself up. At least you are being honest. You are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Sharon
(((Kenny)))
Welcome bAck. How about a meeting? Your way doesn't seem to be working.
love ya
Kat
Welcome bAck. How about a meeting? Your way doesn't seem to be working.
love ya
Kat
hey nxan.
the only meeting in my town is AA.It is a small town and i dont want the stigma attached.I feel that whatever i've done this early in my rcovery(3wks),would have been out the window.It's always been my natural way.I know that basically i have to change that.Unfortunately,i need smooth living in order to achieve clean living.small bumps in the road are no problem but lately there have been some huge craters.
thanks for your input
kenny
the only meeting in my town is AA.It is a small town and i dont want the stigma attached.I feel that whatever i've done this early in my rcovery(3wks),would have been out the window.It's always been my natural way.I know that basically i have to change that.Unfortunately,i need smooth living in order to achieve clean living.small bumps in the road are no problem but lately there have been some huge craters.
thanks for your input
kenny
((((Kenny)))
If you wait for life to be smooth you will never get clean. That just ain't the way life is. What I had to do is learn to not pick up during the bumps. I go to AA to learn from others what they do. If you think you are unique, you would find at AA that you are just like the rest of us.
Keep comin back
love ya
Kat
If you wait for life to be smooth you will never get clean. That just ain't the way life is. What I had to do is learn to not pick up during the bumps. I go to AA to learn from others what they do. If you think you are unique, you would find at AA that you are just like the rest of us.
Keep comin back
love ya
Kat
kenny. You do what you need to do. Nobody knows you like you. Nobody gets clean when they are pushed to, and I know that you know that your not waiting for someone to say that one unbelievably mind altering, life altering thing that will change your life. So when your ready you'll know.
Thanks Niko,that kinda says how ifeel
I mean no disrespect to anyone and i certainly dont want to sound less than optimistic.But yesterday Leigh made a point that i've also thought of.The board lately seems to be all about higher powersa nd meetings.I simply can't believe that anyone who has got sober and maintained it was pigeonholed into this method.I know several that dont embrace a higher power and have never attended a meeting.After saying that i feel as though i've crossed a line and have alienated myself.I do,however,learn so much from people here that have used these methods succesfully and indirectly,i benefit.
People helping people is a pure source of strength and encouragement and i bathe in it.I by no means am saying that to me its not the way to go but adversly no one should say that to me.The bumps in my life as i mentioned are easy,usually just getting the participants to talk is the major tool.Lately there have been major issues that seem too far gone for simple communication.Just my way.As niko said, I will recognize the time, but until then i will do what i must.
deeply sorry to have pissed anyone off as i know none of us need that.I have always said that i am opened minded but it is my nature to push back when i'm pushed.
thanks for listening
kenny
I mean no disrespect to anyone and i certainly dont want to sound less than optimistic.But yesterday Leigh made a point that i've also thought of.The board lately seems to be all about higher powersa nd meetings.I simply can't believe that anyone who has got sober and maintained it was pigeonholed into this method.I know several that dont embrace a higher power and have never attended a meeting.After saying that i feel as though i've crossed a line and have alienated myself.I do,however,learn so much from people here that have used these methods succesfully and indirectly,i benefit.
People helping people is a pure source of strength and encouragement and i bathe in it.I by no means am saying that to me its not the way to go but adversly no one should say that to me.The bumps in my life as i mentioned are easy,usually just getting the participants to talk is the major tool.Lately there have been major issues that seem too far gone for simple communication.Just my way.As niko said, I will recognize the time, but until then i will do what i must.
deeply sorry to have pissed anyone off as i know none of us need that.I have always said that i am opened minded but it is my nature to push back when i'm pushed.
thanks for listening
kenny
KENNY DONT BE SO HARD ON YOUR SELF,, I AM TRYING MY BEST TO TAPER OFF THE VICS AND ITS VERY VERY HARD,,, YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN,, GOOD LUCK NEXT TIME AROUND ILL NEED IT TOO, LOL,, TAKE CARE CRYSTAL
good luck to you too crystal(a girl named crystal was my first,but thats another forum).I love the optimism you bring to the board .When trying to kick it's easier to get down than to put a smile on.You make it a little easier to smile.THANKS
kenny
kenny
(((Kenny)))
You said "I know several that dont embrace a higher power and have never attended a meeting"
Maybe that's why you can't stay away from drugs? It looks like the people that post about meetings and Higher Powers are the ones that are not doing drugs any longer. I couldn't find a way to stay clean until I admitted defeat and asked for help but hey, that's just me. I wish you could find out what you are missing out on by not attending meetings. I have developed relationships like I have never had before in my life. I have TRUE friends today.I never had that before in my life. But most importantly, I have serenity. I don't panic over things like I used to. I don't find it necessary to count pills any longer. I don't wake up feeling sick in the morning. My hands don't shake. Life is good beyond my wildest dreams. It's all there for all of us if we just stop fighting.
love ya
Kat
You said "I know several that dont embrace a higher power and have never attended a meeting"
Maybe that's why you can't stay away from drugs? It looks like the people that post about meetings and Higher Powers are the ones that are not doing drugs any longer. I couldn't find a way to stay clean until I admitted defeat and asked for help but hey, that's just me. I wish you could find out what you are missing out on by not attending meetings. I have developed relationships like I have never had before in my life. I have TRUE friends today.I never had that before in my life. But most importantly, I have serenity. I don't panic over things like I used to. I don't find it necessary to count pills any longer. I don't wake up feeling sick in the morning. My hands don't shake. Life is good beyond my wildest dreams. It's all there for all of us if we just stop fighting.
love ya
Kat
Hi guys - your posts are all so positive and supportive its good to read them. Relatively new to this forum and as my drug of choice was smack, haven't thought to check out the other drugs forums until last couple of days. Same problems, different substance. Anyway, been clean for over four years now. The reason I'm posting is in reply to Kenny's post about AA and Higher Powers. Although I readily admit it works, it didn't for me. While I could and can identify with everyone who has found their recovery through AA/NA I had to do it alone. It wasn't easy and life still throws me sometimes but I deal with things as they come, not by using. x
noxan
The people i refer to are clean and have done it without HP or meetings.I have been surrounded by drugs my entire life.I have succesfully kicked speed and crack addictions with inpatient treatment programs and maintenance councelling.In the beginning i just wanted to use them in moderation and that was achieved.With the opiates however,there is no middle ground for me.It's all or nothing.
I take great offence in your assumption that i have no true friends.By capitalizing "true" you won't convince me that your intentions werent toxic.If you want to start throwing stones,fine.Throw away.I'm not going to feel shame in my methods b/c someone disagrees with them.I am a firm believer in my own beliefs and dont recall imposing them on anyone including you.Just because you fell and couldn't do it on your own doesn't mean it's hopeless for everyone.Telling me "i wish you knew what you are missing by not going to meetings"Prompts this.I wish you knew what you are missing by not having the confidence in yourself and developing the inner strength and determination to kick on your own
Anyone who knows about me through this board knows i do not truly feel that way,but it works from all angles.I appreciate your suggestions,but when you play the holier than thou game ,no one wins.Yes,I was deeply offended by your pushing.I know that meetings and a Higher power have worked for many on this board.Until now no body has been as condesending about it as you have in this post.I'll admit that i can be sensitive to a fault,and this may be one of those times.I know as well that my feelings on this are not without merit.
So, thank you,I am well aware of meetings but like i said earlier,i push back.All this makes me more determined to do it on my own.
Maybe,little birdy, you should come and play in my world for a while.It might not be so easy to make these hurtful assumptions.TRUE friends exist wherever there are good people.In my life there are many,
kenny
P.S-hey newbrighton welcome and your timing couldn't have been better
The people i refer to are clean and have done it without HP or meetings.I have been surrounded by drugs my entire life.I have succesfully kicked speed and crack addictions with inpatient treatment programs and maintenance councelling.In the beginning i just wanted to use them in moderation and that was achieved.With the opiates however,there is no middle ground for me.It's all or nothing.
I take great offence in your assumption that i have no true friends.By capitalizing "true" you won't convince me that your intentions werent toxic.If you want to start throwing stones,fine.Throw away.I'm not going to feel shame in my methods b/c someone disagrees with them.I am a firm believer in my own beliefs and dont recall imposing them on anyone including you.Just because you fell and couldn't do it on your own doesn't mean it's hopeless for everyone.Telling me "i wish you knew what you are missing by not going to meetings"Prompts this.I wish you knew what you are missing by not having the confidence in yourself and developing the inner strength and determination to kick on your own
Anyone who knows about me through this board knows i do not truly feel that way,but it works from all angles.I appreciate your suggestions,but when you play the holier than thou game ,no one wins.Yes,I was deeply offended by your pushing.I know that meetings and a Higher power have worked for many on this board.Until now no body has been as condesending about it as you have in this post.I'll admit that i can be sensitive to a fault,and this may be one of those times.I know as well that my feelings on this are not without merit.
So, thank you,I am well aware of meetings but like i said earlier,i push back.All this makes me more determined to do it on my own.
Maybe,little birdy, you should come and play in my world for a while.It might not be so easy to make these hurtful assumptions.TRUE friends exist wherever there are good people.In my life there are many,
kenny
P.S-hey newbrighton welcome and your timing couldn't have been better
Kenny,
I'm saying this as a friend. I also can be very sensitive. Just look at my recent posts.
I have been sorrounded by drugs and alcohol my whole life as well. I also said I've successfully done this on my own, while still using. I have the very good fortune of having quite a few old timers in my life today. My dad included.
Who always make a point of saying.." Without help it is too much for us".
Can you honestly tell yourself while using that you have been successful in doing it on your own? Can you honestly tell yourself while using coke that you kicked speed on your own? Being successful, in my view is being totally abstinent from all drugs ( alcohol is a drug too ) continiously. And in my opinion, and from viewing others, can only be done with the help from people that have done and are doing it with help from a program and other people in it.
I'm just trying to help bro. Give you something to think about. I been there too.
Take care....................God bless...........................................Bob
I'm saying this as a friend. I also can be very sensitive. Just look at my recent posts.
I have been sorrounded by drugs and alcohol my whole life as well. I also said I've successfully done this on my own, while still using. I have the very good fortune of having quite a few old timers in my life today. My dad included.
Who always make a point of saying.." Without help it is too much for us".
Can you honestly tell yourself while using that you have been successful in doing it on your own? Can you honestly tell yourself while using coke that you kicked speed on your own? Being successful, in my view is being totally abstinent from all drugs ( alcohol is a drug too ) continiously. And in my opinion, and from viewing others, can only be done with the help from people that have done and are doing it with help from a program and other people in it.
I'm just trying to help bro. Give you something to think about. I been there too.
Take care....................God bless...........................................Bob
HEY KENNY HOW ARE U DOING SO FAR TODAY?? MY DAY SUCKS!!!!!!!!! I AM TAPERING LIKE I TOLD U OFF THE VICS I TOOK ANOTHER LESS TODAY AND MAN I FEEL IT!! IT SUCKS,, I HATE THIS s*** I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER!! I AM NOT COMFORABLE IN MY OWN SKIN,, I HOPE IF I DO THIS I WILL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN, I LIKE U, WAS ALWAYS AROUND DRUGS AND ALCOHOL,,, ITS BEEN A BATTLE ALSO I USED TO BE EXCEPTED,, I JUST TURNED 36 AND 2 FAILED MARRIAGES,, I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE,,, AND LOSER I DONT EVEN WANT TO DATE !!! AND I HAVE ALOT OF OFFERS MIND U LOL.. THESE PILLS HAVE MADE ME NOT EVEN WANT TO GO OUT AND DO ANYTHING TODAY I AM SO DEPRESSED, DOSNT HELP WHEN I HAVE THE SOON TO BE EX CALLING ME AND STARTING s*** WITH ME EITHER.. ITS BOTTER SWEET ILL BE DIVORCED NEXT THURS, AND THEN WHAT START ALL OVER AGAIN,, OH WELL JUST WANTED TO VENT ,, MAYBE WE CAN CHAT ON YAHOO SOMETIME?? GIVE ME UR SCREENNAME THATS IF U HAVE IT, TALK SOON LOVE CRYSTAL..
RIGHT NOW MY LIFE SUCKS,, IM HAVING A BAD DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
HI, CRYSTAL WHATS WRONG, MAYBE I CAN SUGGEST SOMETHING , IVE BEEN WHERE U-R SO IF YOU WANNA VENT OR CHAT OR HAVE A QUESTION, IM HERE IF YOU WANT ME TO BE? HOPE IT GETTS BETTER FOR YOU!
(((Kenny)))
I detoxed on my own. I started going to meetings on my own. Holier than thou? I don't think so. I've been where you are not so long ago that I've forgotten. I am trying to share some experience strength and hope with you. You can accept it or not. I am only telling you what worked for me. I thought I had lots of friends when I was using. I wonder where they all went when I got clean? A lot of them have died (13 in the past 4 years). I should have been one of them. I am grateful I am not because today I can help other addicts. My life has more meaning than where the next pill will come from and for a long time, that's all I worried about. So don't tell tell me I have a holier than thou attitude. It's obvious from the short time I've been here, your way is not working. I am not pushing you. Frankly, until you get clean, what you say really doesn't effect me at all because I used to think the way you do and I know how sick I was.
love ya
Kat
I detoxed on my own. I started going to meetings on my own. Holier than thou? I don't think so. I've been where you are not so long ago that I've forgotten. I am trying to share some experience strength and hope with you. You can accept it or not. I am only telling you what worked for me. I thought I had lots of friends when I was using. I wonder where they all went when I got clean? A lot of them have died (13 in the past 4 years). I should have been one of them. I am grateful I am not because today I can help other addicts. My life has more meaning than where the next pill will come from and for a long time, that's all I worried about. So don't tell tell me I have a holier than thou attitude. It's obvious from the short time I've been here, your way is not working. I am not pushing you. Frankly, until you get clean, what you say really doesn't effect me at all because I used to think the way you do and I know how sick I was.
love ya
Kat
Kenny,
Maybe the reason there is so much talk about 12 steps and Higher Powers lately is because that is what works. This board is to talk about what works for us and for me I tried everything else first. I could stay clean for a little while but sooner or later I would go back. You said you successfully kicked crack inpatient just so you could use in moderation and now you are hooked on prescription drugs. What part about my way doesn't work do you not understand. 12 step programs work if you put effort into them because you make changes in your life that does not lead you back to using. I spend less time everyday on my recovery than I did lying, stealing and using pills and having alot more fun doing it. It works for me.
Maybe the reason there is so much talk about 12 steps and Higher Powers lately is because that is what works. This board is to talk about what works for us and for me I tried everything else first. I could stay clean for a little while but sooner or later I would go back. You said you successfully kicked crack inpatient just so you could use in moderation and now you are hooked on prescription drugs. What part about my way doesn't work do you not understand. 12 step programs work if you put effort into them because you make changes in your life that does not lead you back to using. I spend less time everyday on my recovery than I did lying, stealing and using pills and having alot more fun doing it. It works for me.
