Someone posted a few days ago (and I can't remember who it was) about pain from our past and how we must deal with it, to get out with our lives.
I have some pain from my past and am not embarassed to share it. It has affected my adult life so much. I see a Nurse Practitioner, who gives me my anti-depressants and have talked to her about counsiling for this, but she says with no insurance, I can't get the counsiling I need. So I guess I have to carry this with me the rest of my life, and it bothers me every day of my life. I'd just like to tell you a little bit of it and maybe somebody out there can help me with it or can give me some much needed advice as to which way i should go for help.
When I was only 6 months old, my parents got a divorce and my father got custody of me and my older brother. So, my father and his parent's (my grandparent's raised us). I had a good child hood. My grandparent's were wealthy and I was well provided for. I was always a sick child, had alot of health problems. I had a second cousin, who was an alcholic, who came to our house alot when he was drunk and stayed there alot, because he had no where else to go, my grandma was always good to him, this was after my grandfather passed away. Anway, after I married my first husband and we had our first child, we got in a fight one time and out of anger he said so and so isn't even your real father, so and so is. Meaning the man who raised me wasn't my real father, but the alcholic cousin was. I told him he was full of s*** and let it go at that. But a few years later, after we had divorced and i was in my second marriage, I mentioned this to my 2nd husband and he grew up in the same small town I did, and he said you know, I always heard that, but I would of never said anything to you, if you wouldn't of brought it up. So, my mind really went to work.
I remember meeting my mother the first time when I was 11 years old. My brother and I flew to Seattle for Christmas to my Aunts and that's when I met her. I felt like i was meeting a total stranger, which to me she was, and I cried to go home to my mom, I grew up calling my grandma mom, because she was the only mom I knew.
At age, 24 with only being around my real mother maybe 6 or 8 times, i called her and asked her who my biological father was and all she would say is that the man who raised me loved me very much.
Then when I was 28 years old, I was going through a severe depression, I didn't even want to get out of bed, it was so bad. My second husband was physically and mentally abusive, I had small children, plus he had a child we were raising too. And out of the blue I get a letter from my mother, telling me that the alcholic cousin of mine was in fact my real father, and it ripped my heart in to a million pieces.
Let me go back just a minute. When my grandmother was on her death bed, she could barely talk, and she kept trying to tell me something, that was in 1996, to this day, I think she was trying to tell my who my biological father was.
Anyway, I took the letter my mother wrote to this man (the alcholic cousins house) which was less than a half mile from me and he read it and said no this isn't true. I said, your telling me there's not chance in hell i can be your daughter, and he said well, there's a chance you could be. I look so much like this man it's almost scary. More like him, than some parents and their children look alike. He agreed to blood test, but said I would have to pay for them. I don't feel like I should have to pay for them, I feel him and my mother should have to pay for them.
The father who raised me died in Feb. 1998, and it was strange, because two days before he died, I was thinking of going and talking to him about this whole thing. He knew, many people have told me he knew. They said, my mother never took care of me and my bother, especially me, and that's why he fought for custody. He knew we'd be better off with him. She had multilple affairs on him while they were married, i was the result of one. And they knew if my father got custody of me, i'd grow up with an alcholic for a father.
My alcholic father was supposed to testify in court for my father's behalf (Not my real father) but instead he went out and got drunk and hid, because he knew if he went to court it would come out that i was really his kid.
I thank God everyday, that I was with the people I was with for many, many reasons. My aunt that is still living has told me that I was so malnutritioned when my grandparents got me that the doctor said he was truly surprised I really lived. They think my mother tried to drown me, suffocate me, and who knows what else. I have always felt like she hated me because I was te result of an affair.
My mother and I live in the same town now, only a few blocks from each other. We talk, but i'm still treated differently than my brother, and it hurts so bad. My mother moved back here from Seattle after her mother died, and she always told me I could talk to her about anything, but everything I talk to her about, email her about etc. she tells my brother exactly what I say.
She came back here in 1987 when my son was born and said, if you ever want to know the truth about what happened between me and your dad, just let me know and i'll tell you. I looked at her with the coldest stare and said, "don't you ever say anything bad about my dad, or grandparents, they raised me and have always been here for me, and if you ever say anything about them in my house you will no longer be welcome here."
I said i'd only write a little, and I've wrote way more than that. And could go on and on. This just hurts me so bad and I don't know how to get over it. I know it's made me a much better mother, but how do i get this hurt and pain out of my heart?
Can anybody out there help me, or suggest any kind of cousiling that will help me? I need something so I can get on with the rest of my life. I'm starting a new relationship with a man I love very much, and i know this has caused so many problems in all my other relationships and don't want it to in this one.
So any words of wisdom or advice are welcome!
God Bless You for listening, I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart! Susan
Hi Susan...wow. What a story.
All I can say to you is that at some point, how much power do you allow these people to have over you?
It's that simple honey. As painful as the past was, it's just that. The past. They can't hurt you now, only if you let them. You have your own family to take care of now.
As far as a relationship with your mom? That's up to you. You get to decide just how much or how little. It's all about bounderies. You're in control now, you're not a little kid anymore.
Don't let this stand in the way of your recovery. It's just too important.
Take care
Lisa
All I can say to you is that at some point, how much power do you allow these people to have over you?
It's that simple honey. As painful as the past was, it's just that. The past. They can't hurt you now, only if you let them. You have your own family to take care of now.
As far as a relationship with your mom? That's up to you. You get to decide just how much or how little. It's all about bounderies. You're in control now, you're not a little kid anymore.
Don't let this stand in the way of your recovery. It's just too important.
Take care
Lisa
Lisa -
Thanks - sometimes I think like that, but just hearing it from someone else makes it seem that much easier.
Sometimes i just wish my mom would accept me for who I am. But I always feel like she feels as if i'm the biggest mistake she ever made in her life, and when I'm around her and I say something about my father that raised me or my grandparents, she acts all weird, like it makes her mad that i talk about them.
And now she has remarried for the fourth time and he's a retired preacher, and she is so fake around him and always telling him stories when i'm around about when i was little and i just want to say, how do you know you weren't even there.
Funny thing is, I could stand up to my father and grandparents if they said something to piss me off, but i can't to her, it's like i'm scared to make her mad, maybe because i feel like i don't even really know her. But I wish i had the guts to do it. Just to put her in her place one time. and half the time if she gets upset with me, she won't tell me to my face, she'll write me a note like a little kid or something.
I just get so PISSED and I know I shouldn't. I 've always heard the one who angers you, controls you. I say that to myself everytime I get mad at her, and that is quite often.
Thanks - sometimes I think like that, but just hearing it from someone else makes it seem that much easier.
Sometimes i just wish my mom would accept me for who I am. But I always feel like she feels as if i'm the biggest mistake she ever made in her life, and when I'm around her and I say something about my father that raised me or my grandparents, she acts all weird, like it makes her mad that i talk about them.
And now she has remarried for the fourth time and he's a retired preacher, and she is so fake around him and always telling him stories when i'm around about when i was little and i just want to say, how do you know you weren't even there.
Funny thing is, I could stand up to my father and grandparents if they said something to piss me off, but i can't to her, it's like i'm scared to make her mad, maybe because i feel like i don't even really know her. But I wish i had the guts to do it. Just to put her in her place one time. and half the time if she gets upset with me, she won't tell me to my face, she'll write me a note like a little kid or something.
I just get so PISSED and I know I shouldn't. I 've always heard the one who angers you, controls you. I say that to myself everytime I get mad at her, and that is quite often.
Hi Susan..
I so hear the pain and anguish in your post. I really don't have any great words of wisdom. However one thing I would like to say to you is that...you should be very grateful for the adults that were in your life to nurture you raise you and love you.
You were very fortunate to have loving grandparents that took on the daily care and responsibility for your health and happiness. It takes a real man to "raise" someone else's child...and visa versa...I would not give one more thought to your true paternity..other than it could help explain some family diseases (hint hint) other than that...let it go..and honor the people that gave from there heart. Your mother sounds like a very selfish women and it is perhaps as you said a really good thing that you did not end up in her care.
We all have skeletons and things in our childhood that follow us to adulthood...both good and bad....truth be told its not the issues that we have its how we deal with them.
I would seek out some sort of therapy...it will be good for you to talk about this. What is it that is bothering you? Its seems like you know the truth....are you searching for some acceptance from your birth mother? I would give that up and focus your energy elsewhere...she just simply is not interested...from what you describe. If she is...it sounds as though her heart is still not in it.
I think you should deal with that and move on!
Some of us never got to experience "Mother Love" good or bad...be grateful for what you have....its a blessing!
I hope you do find some sort of community counselling that you don't have to pay for...doesn't the YMCA or other organizations like that offer something? Perhaps google those things...for your area.
Great job on getting clean...funny how all those feelings start creeping up...there will be a lot more of that...you need support!!
Big hugs to you
I so hear the pain and anguish in your post. I really don't have any great words of wisdom. However one thing I would like to say to you is that...you should be very grateful for the adults that were in your life to nurture you raise you and love you.
You were very fortunate to have loving grandparents that took on the daily care and responsibility for your health and happiness. It takes a real man to "raise" someone else's child...and visa versa...I would not give one more thought to your true paternity..other than it could help explain some family diseases (hint hint) other than that...let it go..and honor the people that gave from there heart. Your mother sounds like a very selfish women and it is perhaps as you said a really good thing that you did not end up in her care.
We all have skeletons and things in our childhood that follow us to adulthood...both good and bad....truth be told its not the issues that we have its how we deal with them.
I would seek out some sort of therapy...it will be good for you to talk about this. What is it that is bothering you? Its seems like you know the truth....are you searching for some acceptance from your birth mother? I would give that up and focus your energy elsewhere...she just simply is not interested...from what you describe. If she is...it sounds as though her heart is still not in it.
I think you should deal with that and move on!
Some of us never got to experience "Mother Love" good or bad...be grateful for what you have....its a blessing!
I hope you do find some sort of community counselling that you don't have to pay for...doesn't the YMCA or other organizations like that offer something? Perhaps google those things...for your area.
Great job on getting clean...funny how all those feelings start creeping up...there will be a lot more of that...you need support!!
Big hugs to you
Susan,
You have been through so much... and I think you will be able to address a lot of these issues in rehab, and beyond. It is clear that there is still so much pain and hurt and suffering there, and it takes a long time to get to the point where you are angry and then move through the anger to a different place (and some people never get there, and that's ok too)... You're just at the beginning of this journey (like so many of us) and all of this stuff is coming out - as well it should - because it's all going to be a part of your recovery. I know it's probably totally overwhelming right now... Your brain seems full :) Just keep letting it out and pushing through... I know I keep saying this but you have made huge strides already... You're not alone, you are doing the right thing and you are going to be ok.
DON'T FORGET THAT!
xo
SP
You have been through so much... and I think you will be able to address a lot of these issues in rehab, and beyond. It is clear that there is still so much pain and hurt and suffering there, and it takes a long time to get to the point where you are angry and then move through the anger to a different place (and some people never get there, and that's ok too)... You're just at the beginning of this journey (like so many of us) and all of this stuff is coming out - as well it should - because it's all going to be a part of your recovery. I know it's probably totally overwhelming right now... Your brain seems full :) Just keep letting it out and pushing through... I know I keep saying this but you have made huge strides already... You're not alone, you are doing the right thing and you are going to be ok.
DON'T FORGET THAT!
xo
SP
I have a friend who just found out at age 40 that her dad is not her biological father. Along with therapy, she used the book The Inner Child Workbook: What to do with your past when it just won't go away by Cathryn Taylor She said it really helped her come to terms with the past, who she was, and how to set boundaries. You can probably also find more self-help books at the library. Also, if you call the Department of Mental Health in your county, they can refer you to therapists that work on a sliding scale fee.
Susan,
I am sorry your past was so difficult and it is something that is hard to deal with. I think as you progress in recovery you will find more support to help you through this. You will talk about it more, find new ways to get it out of you with clear eyes instead of destruction. In doing this you will learn alot and have more confidence. You just have to hang in there. There are many places that will take a sliding scale to work with a therapist. I found that working a program of recovery really has helped me alot because I was given new tools to deal with all that stuff and an ability to let it go. We don't have to be imprisoned by our past. We do have to really be willing to work through it and open up about it. You did that just now! So you are taking good beginning steps. Be kind to yourself. It takes alot of courage but you can heal from it.
peace,
pm
I am sorry your past was so difficult and it is something that is hard to deal with. I think as you progress in recovery you will find more support to help you through this. You will talk about it more, find new ways to get it out of you with clear eyes instead of destruction. In doing this you will learn alot and have more confidence. You just have to hang in there. There are many places that will take a sliding scale to work with a therapist. I found that working a program of recovery really has helped me alot because I was given new tools to deal with all that stuff and an ability to let it go. We don't have to be imprisoned by our past. We do have to really be willing to work through it and open up about it. You did that just now! So you are taking good beginning steps. Be kind to yourself. It takes alot of courage but you can heal from it.
peace,
pm
addicted2oxy
i can sure relate to your hurts from the past.
my biological father molested me everyday
he forced me to have an abortion from a pregnancy from a guy who i thought loved me. i was 19
my mother has told my dad she hated me and wished i was never born.
she worked me like a maid to keep her house clean.
what pain i endure from this.
i attended support groups for co dependancy
i set boundaries with them and detached,
i have had major counseling for this and i still am not over it, i resent, i hurt, i am angry.
i developed panic attacks and an anxiety disorder when this started to happen, they laughed at me and called me a neurotic so i told no one and suffered for years.
i still am suffering and my current counselor is trying to help me sort this out.
i am married to an alcholic/porn adict too. so i have my work cut out for me. your not alone in this turmoil. jewels
i can sure relate to your hurts from the past.
my biological father molested me everyday
he forced me to have an abortion from a pregnancy from a guy who i thought loved me. i was 19
my mother has told my dad she hated me and wished i was never born.
she worked me like a maid to keep her house clean.
what pain i endure from this.
i attended support groups for co dependancy
i set boundaries with them and detached,
i have had major counseling for this and i still am not over it, i resent, i hurt, i am angry.
i developed panic attacks and an anxiety disorder when this started to happen, they laughed at me and called me a neurotic so i told no one and suffered for years.
i still am suffering and my current counselor is trying to help me sort this out.
i am married to an alcholic/porn adict too. so i have my work cut out for me. your not alone in this turmoil. jewels
Jewels, that is awful what happened to you. When i hear something like that, it makes me think some people just weren't meant to have children. You are a child of God and don't you ever forget. One day we will be rewarded for all the hell we once had to go through. We get through this, being addicts has only made us that much stronger. God Bless You, My heart is with you.
I always say my real parents, the ones that mean anything to mean are gone.
The thing is I so want to believe that, but I know my biological parents are still here, and a part of me hates them so much. I know we are not supposed to hate and I feel like my life suffers because I do hate them. Maybe that is why I suffer from this addiction. Maybe that is why my biological father suffered so many years from alcholism, because he wouldn't step forward and say that he was my father. I don't know I just let this stuff eat at me all the time. They say we have to forgive and forget. But I just can't forget. I'm 37 years old and it's consumed so much of my life and I want what I have left of my life back, with all this bullsh*t out of it. In April my boyfriend gets out of jail and we are getting away from here, starting a new life somewhere else, away from my mother. I'm hoping I can put the past behind me, and my addiction behind me and get on with my life once and for all. i know they say you can't run from your problems, i'm not trying to run, i'm just trying to better myself, with the man I truly love.
Thanks for all your support, and God Bless! Susan
I always say my real parents, the ones that mean anything to mean are gone.
The thing is I so want to believe that, but I know my biological parents are still here, and a part of me hates them so much. I know we are not supposed to hate and I feel like my life suffers because I do hate them. Maybe that is why I suffer from this addiction. Maybe that is why my biological father suffered so many years from alcholism, because he wouldn't step forward and say that he was my father. I don't know I just let this stuff eat at me all the time. They say we have to forgive and forget. But I just can't forget. I'm 37 years old and it's consumed so much of my life and I want what I have left of my life back, with all this bullsh*t out of it. In April my boyfriend gets out of jail and we are getting away from here, starting a new life somewhere else, away from my mother. I'm hoping I can put the past behind me, and my addiction behind me and get on with my life once and for all. i know they say you can't run from your problems, i'm not trying to run, i'm just trying to better myself, with the man I truly love.
Thanks for all your support, and God Bless! Susan
I might get a lot of flack for this posting, but we'll see.
Reading all of your posts, and knowing my story, and knowing the stories of so many other addicts or people with severe anxiety/depression, makes me wonder if it was inevitable... the addiction thing.
Now, I know we are all responsible for our own actions, and we have the power to make choices, but if we are making choices in the context of never having learned real coping skills, of reliving past trauma, of being in current trauma, then are the choices really ours or are they beyond our control? Is it really so abnormal to be looking for something that will fill up the pain and need tht stems from a life time of f***ed up s***? Sometimes I don't think so. I think personal accountability and responsibility is all well and good, but we can't deny that bad choices come from bad coping skills and bad coping skills come from a million different sources, starting from when we were little.
I just don't know how we can blame ourselves all the time or take complete responsibility for our actions when there is no doubt in my mind that my family history, my genetic make up, my lack of defense mechanisms (or ones that worked that became dysfunctional or obsolete over time) pushed me in the direction of looking for something that would just make s*** go away....
Does this make sense/ Am I totally wrong here?
Reading all of your posts, and knowing my story, and knowing the stories of so many other addicts or people with severe anxiety/depression, makes me wonder if it was inevitable... the addiction thing.
Now, I know we are all responsible for our own actions, and we have the power to make choices, but if we are making choices in the context of never having learned real coping skills, of reliving past trauma, of being in current trauma, then are the choices really ours or are they beyond our control? Is it really so abnormal to be looking for something that will fill up the pain and need tht stems from a life time of f***ed up s***? Sometimes I don't think so. I think personal accountability and responsibility is all well and good, but we can't deny that bad choices come from bad coping skills and bad coping skills come from a million different sources, starting from when we were little.
I just don't know how we can blame ourselves all the time or take complete responsibility for our actions when there is no doubt in my mind that my family history, my genetic make up, my lack of defense mechanisms (or ones that worked that became dysfunctional or obsolete over time) pushed me in the direction of looking for something that would just make s*** go away....
Does this make sense/ Am I totally wrong here?
Oh Sweetheart you have no idea right now how many tears are running down my face.Im sorry I do have to disagree with Lisa as it isnt as easy as "just letting go"The pain is still there as are the scars.I agree you shouldnt allow them to continue to have that power over you but(& I say this with such a broken heart)it isnt just that easy to let it go.
Im not sure where you live but in NY there are places that do give therapy based on your means.Meaning if you can only pay 1.00 thats what they take
Anyways huny I myself can understand those feelings of hate for a parent I am trying myself to learn how to forgive & move on.Thats so much easier said than done.It really is.Though I know that ONCE I finally am able to forgive a part of me can be free.
I know in my heart you also need to work this out its so clear.PLEASE try to find some kind of therapy huny.For you.You cannot change the past but you also shouldnt have to be a prisoner to it.((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))because I swear if you were here Id hug you & try to take some of that pain.My goodness you are so much stronger than you rralize.
Please try to find a therapist who may be able to help you deal with these feelings.I know you know these feelings are taking YOU away from you.,
Please keep posting(if you are comfortable doing that)It can be amazing how a group of people youve never met can cyberlly hold you & try to make you feel better.
Huny as hard as this may be....keep looking forwards,we can look back for so long that we end up trapped there.You sound like such a wonderful woman & YOU deserve to have a happy life.
I want to say it really doesnt matter who made you,its the love you got being raised....but I know & I can see it does matter.Just try finding a therapist that deals with addiction,THATS always a good place to start.And please know your not alone in this.
I will say a prayer for you & hold you in a special place in my heart.Youll never know how much of your story I can truley understand
Hold on sweety
molly
Im not sure where you live but in NY there are places that do give therapy based on your means.Meaning if you can only pay 1.00 thats what they take
Anyways huny I myself can understand those feelings of hate for a parent I am trying myself to learn how to forgive & move on.Thats so much easier said than done.It really is.Though I know that ONCE I finally am able to forgive a part of me can be free.
I know in my heart you also need to work this out its so clear.PLEASE try to find some kind of therapy huny.For you.You cannot change the past but you also shouldnt have to be a prisoner to it.((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))because I swear if you were here Id hug you & try to take some of that pain.My goodness you are so much stronger than you rralize.
Please try to find a therapist who may be able to help you deal with these feelings.I know you know these feelings are taking YOU away from you.,
Please keep posting(if you are comfortable doing that)It can be amazing how a group of people youve never met can cyberlly hold you & try to make you feel better.
Huny as hard as this may be....keep looking forwards,we can look back for so long that we end up trapped there.You sound like such a wonderful woman & YOU deserve to have a happy life.
I want to say it really doesnt matter who made you,its the love you got being raised....but I know & I can see it does matter.Just try finding a therapist that deals with addiction,THATS always a good place to start.And please know your not alone in this.
I will say a prayer for you & hold you in a special place in my heart.Youll never know how much of your story I can truley understand
Hold on sweety
molly
hello....
big higs to you my dear.
there area many things you can do....many people you can talk do....
but it is going to boil right down to the battlefeild in your own mind....
we have a choice to let our past hold us back from living the greatest life filled with love and forgivness..............
It is not God toumenting you with your past........
when you start to worry and think about the past........
ask yourself are these healthy thoughts or negative thoughts....
how do i feel..............
we can not change our past honey...........
we just cant , and all though it hurts so deeply....
and you feel like you cant go on and you dont want to......
turn to God.
MAKE A CHOICE, right there.... to let that go and take your life back.......
ask God to help you ....let go of the past...
ask him everyday......
start saying i let go of the past.
i to struggle with the past.........
this is and area that i have to work on daily........
so i was feelin ya right when i read the title of your thread.
i understand.
...YOU
thanks to AA, i keep this scripture close to my heart....
lets keep this close to our hearts forever......
thumper
big higs to you my dear.
there area many things you can do....many people you can talk do....
but it is going to boil right down to the battlefeild in your own mind....
we have a choice to let our past hold us back from living the greatest life filled with love and forgivness..............
It is not God toumenting you with your past........
when you start to worry and think about the past........
ask yourself are these healthy thoughts or negative thoughts....
how do i feel..............
we can not change our past honey...........
we just cant , and all though it hurts so deeply....
and you feel like you cant go on and you dont want to......
turn to God.
MAKE A CHOICE, right there.... to let that go and take your life back.......
ask God to help you ....let go of the past...
ask him everyday......
start saying i let go of the past.
i to struggle with the past.........
this is and area that i have to work on daily........
so i was feelin ya right when i read the title of your thread.
i understand.
...YOUthanks to AA, i keep this scripture close to my heart....
lets keep this close to our hearts forever......
thumper
I know alot of people who are addicts and have had f*cked up childhoods and I also know peolple who had wonderful childhoods and are still addicts, so I don't know what to say about that one.
Another thing I didn't mention earlier is that the reason I have had so many problems is previous relationships with men is because everytime I get close to someone, i guess because I have a FEAR OF ABANDONMENT because my mother left me at such a young age, so everytime I get close to a man, I will leave him, because I'm afraid he'll leave me. So, instead of giving him the chance to leave me, I leave him first. And, it's not just with men, it's with jobs, with roommates, etc. if something isn't going my way, or the way I think it should be, I'll get pissed off and leave. So many people, including my children and my brother, have said to me at different times in my life, "what are you going to do, run from your problems all your life?" And the thing that is so bad about that, is my daughter ( and she is so beautiful and smart) I can see her already doing the same thing. And I hate it, because I've instilled that (running when things don't go your way) in her.
It just shows, we don't realize the negative things we put in our childrens heads. I hate myself for doing that to my daughter, because she is so beautiful, smart, and talented and can be or do anything she wants to in life, and yet i've put this ever so negative thing in her head. How do I change that?
I want you all to know, that words can't describe how much you all have helped me. I sit here crying as I say this. I don't know what i'd of done if I wouldn't of found this site, it's has been truly amazing to me, each and everyone of you have truly blessed my life by all your kind words. I have learned something from each of you from your inspiring words. I can't even begin to find the words th thank you enough or to tell you what you mean to me. Every time I say God Bless, I truly mean it. You are each in my prayers every single day. THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! SUSAN
Another thing I didn't mention earlier is that the reason I have had so many problems is previous relationships with men is because everytime I get close to someone, i guess because I have a FEAR OF ABANDONMENT because my mother left me at such a young age, so everytime I get close to a man, I will leave him, because I'm afraid he'll leave me. So, instead of giving him the chance to leave me, I leave him first. And, it's not just with men, it's with jobs, with roommates, etc. if something isn't going my way, or the way I think it should be, I'll get pissed off and leave. So many people, including my children and my brother, have said to me at different times in my life, "what are you going to do, run from your problems all your life?" And the thing that is so bad about that, is my daughter ( and she is so beautiful and smart) I can see her already doing the same thing. And I hate it, because I've instilled that (running when things don't go your way) in her.
It just shows, we don't realize the negative things we put in our childrens heads. I hate myself for doing that to my daughter, because she is so beautiful, smart, and talented and can be or do anything she wants to in life, and yet i've put this ever so negative thing in her head. How do I change that?
I want you all to know, that words can't describe how much you all have helped me. I sit here crying as I say this. I don't know what i'd of done if I wouldn't of found this site, it's has been truly amazing to me, each and everyone of you have truly blessed my life by all your kind words. I have learned something from each of you from your inspiring words. I can't even begin to find the words th thank you enough or to tell you what you mean to me. Every time I say God Bless, I truly mean it. You are each in my prayers every single day. THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! SUSAN
Dear beautiful Susan
I must sign off but before I do I wanted to send((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((a huge hug))))))))))))))))))))))))to you & tell you Im glad you are here,Im proud your taking the steps to live a healtier life,& I look forwards to watchinhg your amazing journey because I feel you are stronger than even YOU realize
Have a wonderful day sweety!!!
molly
I must sign off but before I do I wanted to send((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((a huge hug))))))))))))))))))))))))to you & tell you Im glad you are here,Im proud your taking the steps to live a healtier life,& I look forwards to watchinhg your amazing journey because I feel you are stronger than even YOU realize
Have a wonderful day sweety!!!
molly
i thought about you today........
can you bring books to detox?
if so......
"battlefeild of the mind"
by joyce meyer
my husband encouraged me to read it......
for he has read it several times.......
it is really wonderful........
when you pray for others and yourself ...say ..."change me"
me and my friend stacey (gordon24) talked about this today also...
CHANGE ME....
if you like AA/NA........
the third step is a big bondage break through.......
hugs
can you bring books to detox?
if so......
"battlefeild of the mind"
by joyce meyer
my husband encouraged me to read it......
for he has read it several times.......
it is really wonderful........
when you pray for others and yourself ...say ..."change me"
me and my friend stacey (gordon24) talked about this today also...
CHANGE ME....
if you like AA/NA........
the third step is a big bondage break through.......
hugs
Just to clarify my words...I didn't say anything about letting go. Hope you're doing better today Susan.
???Who said you told her to let it go Lisa? I didnt read that in your post at all..
I thought you gave some great advice, and in fact, Im not sure what to say after reading yours cus i was going to post about the same thing...
Susan honey....You're past is just that..your past and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it...but you can change the way you feel about it now and in the future...
thats the whole thing about therapy...is talking about things that were and sometime are still painful to us , figure out how if at all it has affected our present day situation, ( to our knowledge ) and then putting the past to rest so we can go on to a better life in the future..
I think someone here mentioned a sliding scale, i know here in Canada there is therapy available on that basis..depending on how much you make...you could phone the College of Psychiatry and ask who will do that in your area...
Also if you have a large university in your area, there are Psych. students that will take in a certain amount of patients they need in order to graduate..and thats free...
Best friends can be just as good as therapy in my opinion, I have had many therapists, and only one best friend, who unfortunately is no longer here to listen to me....but I can tell you that many hours spent with her was worth its weight in gold in comparison to the paid trips to the shrink...lol
Talking is good Susan, Im glad you are posting and sharing your feelings with us and taking us into your circle of trust..
Hugs
Ali
I thought you gave some great advice, and in fact, Im not sure what to say after reading yours cus i was going to post about the same thing...
Susan honey....You're past is just that..your past and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it...but you can change the way you feel about it now and in the future...
thats the whole thing about therapy...is talking about things that were and sometime are still painful to us , figure out how if at all it has affected our present day situation, ( to our knowledge ) and then putting the past to rest so we can go on to a better life in the future..
I think someone here mentioned a sliding scale, i know here in Canada there is therapy available on that basis..depending on how much you make...you could phone the College of Psychiatry and ask who will do that in your area...
Also if you have a large university in your area, there are Psych. students that will take in a certain amount of patients they need in order to graduate..and thats free...
Best friends can be just as good as therapy in my opinion, I have had many therapists, and only one best friend, who unfortunately is no longer here to listen to me....but I can tell you that many hours spent with her was worth its weight in gold in comparison to the paid trips to the shrink...lol
Talking is good Susan, Im glad you are posting and sharing your feelings with us and taking us into your circle of trust..
Hugs
Ali
Thanks Ali....Susan, how are things today? Are you doing a little better?
