Hi there,
This is my first time on here and am just looking to see if anyone is experiencing the same things that I am. After giving everything to my partner while he has been using, he is now in recovery and is really reactive and overly sensitive. I completely love him and I do want to make this work but I am just wondering how I better cope and respond. I am really proud of him and the changes that he is making but it is also changing the dynamic between us. We have been very dependant on eachother however he is starting to expand his social network etc. I am actually really happy for him that he is doing this but because I have given my all to him during the last 2.5 years, I unfortunately have no social networks myself and it is a bit scary for me. I know that I do need to start developing me while he is working on developing himself but I am just wondering if anyone else is experiencing this as a partner of a recovering addict?
Thank you :)
i am "recovering addict" myself and i can tell you how things are from my perspective .. when we are using drugs usually we don't need friends, social gatherings( only if they are other addicts using together on night out/in) or goings out for coffee , walks etc , we just want to use and be left alone to enjoy! Once we are "clean" normal feelings desires and needs keeps coming back so we look for simple pleasures , we need interaction with others , we need to do everything possibile just not to be bored.. when you are bored that is when cravings kicks in and likely to use again. Having new friends, new interests is exiting and excitement is what we need. I know to travel with tube for 1 hour to meet my friend just for coffee and sometimes for lunch , sometimes we just need excuse to get out and be on our own... his feelings are coming back and we can become euphoric, hyperactive ,sometimes we need change so moving to new place or town/city is not surprise, changing our job(i done it) You need your own friends of course but don't let him exclude you from his life, i cant see why you cant join him and his new friends. I don't know if you are user or ex user , did you both got clean or not a but doing things as couple is must for healthy relationship so next time you ask to come along .. talk to him! Talk to him, have long conversation , find out how is thinking about this subject , make suggestions for things to do together ..
Hi...you get us (addicts) first because we're on European time...others will be on soon...ditto to everything B said...and I know for me....when I get clean...the biggest issues for us...is that my spouse is so use to taking care of crap that when I'm using I don't do or am not home to do...that we get issues in the beginning as we both get use to doing things that I did before....it takes some time to get use to a normal routine again...you have to have your own life when were not clean....detach from us ...detach from the using part and be capable of living your own life regardless of us...
Hi Mimi,
I read your post and have a few comments. I have two sons and both have struggled with addiction issues, since they were teens. I lost one boy a year ago. My younger one is in his late twenties, so we have been dealing with addiction issues for more than 10 years.
The thing that strikes me when I read your post is the sense that you are used to taking care of your addict and now, the dynamic has changed. There is a term for it - "addicted to your addict". I remember taking my son to meetings, counseling sessions,and being totally consumed with everything in his life. I was literally on call for whatever. When my younger son was no longer around after joining the service, I was at a loss - no one to take to counseling, etc. Maybe you are feeling the same? I would suggest support group meetings for you, like al anon or nar anon. You will find some support for you there. This message board is also very beneficial, but sometimes a face2face meeting can provide a different, but necessary support.
I read your post and have a few comments. I have two sons and both have struggled with addiction issues, since they were teens. I lost one boy a year ago. My younger one is in his late twenties, so we have been dealing with addiction issues for more than 10 years.
The thing that strikes me when I read your post is the sense that you are used to taking care of your addict and now, the dynamic has changed. There is a term for it - "addicted to your addict". I remember taking my son to meetings, counseling sessions,and being totally consumed with everything in his life. I was literally on call for whatever. When my younger son was no longer around after joining the service, I was at a loss - no one to take to counseling, etc. Maybe you are feeling the same? I would suggest support group meetings for you, like al anon or nar anon. You will find some support for you there. This message board is also very beneficial, but sometimes a face2face meeting can provide a different, but necessary support.
Hi, Mimi! Welcome to the board. It is filled with a bunch of wonderful, empathetic people who are traveling this same long and often bumpy road!
I am an addict in recovery for a bit over three years. I have been married to my husband for 20 years. When we met, I was not a drug user. I had a pretty horrific accident about six years into our marriage (my daughter was a four year old at the time) that left me addicted to massive quantities of pain medication and then, like most, jumped onto heroin when it became the cheaper and easier option. I just wanted to give you my background so you know where my perspective is coming from. The interesting thing about our relationship is that he saw the addiction go full circle, from development to recovery and all the blood and guts in between!
You mentioned that your partner is very sensitive. It is such a common emotion in early recovery, as is anger, anxiety, fear, guilt and sadness. When the drugs are finally out of our system, we tend to get flooded with emotion..actually it's more like a tsunami!! Not only are the emotions strong, but for me at least, they were highly unpredictable. They would swing violently and often. I would literally be laughing at something funny then get so angry my husband was afraid my head was going to spin around like the girl in the exorcist! Just remember that not only are we having feelings of missing our drug of choice (yes, even though it may have ruined our life, we still miss using and we still yearn for it..at least in the beginning) all the emotions that we have stifled with the drugs are going to come rushing up. This is what I personally refer to as emotional vomit! :)
It is great that your partner is expanding his social circle. Is he doing that with a recovery support group, or is he just reconnecting with old friends that were sort of lost along the way due to his addiction? I think it is very important to have good friends to hang out with and talk to.
I think a great thing would be for you to work on expanding your social network. There are support groups for partners of addicts (Al-anon, Nar-anon, CoDA) to name a few. There might be others where you live. If you call your local social service agency, they are usually the ones that have all the inside knowledge of services that are available to those touched by addiction.
When the dynamic of a relationship changes, it can be very stressful. Even though it is a move in healthier direction, change can be scary; but these changes will lead you both to a happier, healthier relationship. It is very hard for a spouse (what I am writing here is directly from my husband) when their partner begins to recover for several reasons. The first one being trust. The spouse has usually heard it all before in spades..'I'm really going to quit this time!", "I'm never going to use again", "this time is different". The wording maybe different but the sentiment of "really quiting this time" has been said ad nauseam.
When we do start to move toward recovery, I think it is imperative that the dynamic changes. What we did in active addiction was anything but healthy and I think most partners tend to use unhealthy behaviors to deal with us. I am NOT putting any of the blame for your partners addiction on you because of your personal dynamic together. He alone is responsible for his addiction and recovery. While you might not have displayed the best coping behaviors, he alone holds the responsibility for his addiction. When you have time, look up co-dependency or perhaps go to a CoDA meeting..or read the oldie but goodie "Co-dependent No More". There are very predictable patterns that people show who are in relationships with addicts. These unhealthy behaviors are not only detrimental to you, but to your recovering partner. That is why addiction is referred to as a family disease. It's these behaviors that keep us sick and stop us from growing.
Again, I think it is very important for you to expand your social circle. It doesn't have to be a recovery focused thing either. You can meet like minded people by attending events that interest you. There are book clubs, painting classes, sports clubs etc. Get out there and get involved. When you are no longer policing your partners drug use, you will find yourself with a ton of time on your hands!
I agree with the above poster that it is good to do things as a couple. It is great if there is a couple or two that you enjoy getting together with and have afew laughs! I feel it is equally important to have seperate friends. It is unhealthy to be joined at the hip! I'm not sure who your partner is hanging out with. If these are friends from meetings or others in recovery, I would discourage you from inviting yourself to go out with them. It is imortant for most addicts to be able to have a group of fellow addicts who they can share with. If you were to insert yourself into that, I think most people in the group would probably stop getting together. They would feel like they were being watched and judged and wouldn't feel free to share what they easily share with someone who has walked in their shoes.
Just remember that taking time to carve out your own friendships and interests can strengthen your relationship. It gives you new things to talk about and experience. When I got into recovery, I rediscovered my passion for horses. I had stepped away from the equestrian world when I had a horrible riding accident (That is the accident I referenced above). In recovery that passion was rediscovered. I feel most alive when I am at the barn and hugging horses is very therapeutic!!! However, I have designated the barn as "mine"! My husband doesn't go with me ever. It is my time alone to do what I love and fill up my soul. Everyone needs some alone time to refill the well of our soul.
I hope that your partner continues on the path to recovery. Just remember it is a road like any other. It is winding, sometimes uphill and most definitely has potholes! But the road leads to healing and happiness, so if you veer off the road, just try to do the quickest course correction you can.
The most helpful thing you can do for your partner is to work on you! I can think of no better way to spend time then working on ourselves. We need to be strong and independent before we have anything to offer another person. That is why on an airplane, if the plane loses cabin pressure, that you are to put on your oxygen mask first BEFORE you help anyone else. That is a great analogy to remember because if we are not strong and healthy (or in the plane scenario, breathing!) we are of no use to anyone else. The movie Jerry Mcguire has a line where the male lead says "you complete me". Barf! No one person can complete us. We all need to be whole on our own. Then and only then are we able to build healthy, stable relationships!
I am an addict in recovery for a bit over three years. I have been married to my husband for 20 years. When we met, I was not a drug user. I had a pretty horrific accident about six years into our marriage (my daughter was a four year old at the time) that left me addicted to massive quantities of pain medication and then, like most, jumped onto heroin when it became the cheaper and easier option. I just wanted to give you my background so you know where my perspective is coming from. The interesting thing about our relationship is that he saw the addiction go full circle, from development to recovery and all the blood and guts in between!
You mentioned that your partner is very sensitive. It is such a common emotion in early recovery, as is anger, anxiety, fear, guilt and sadness. When the drugs are finally out of our system, we tend to get flooded with emotion..actually it's more like a tsunami!! Not only are the emotions strong, but for me at least, they were highly unpredictable. They would swing violently and often. I would literally be laughing at something funny then get so angry my husband was afraid my head was going to spin around like the girl in the exorcist! Just remember that not only are we having feelings of missing our drug of choice (yes, even though it may have ruined our life, we still miss using and we still yearn for it..at least in the beginning) all the emotions that we have stifled with the drugs are going to come rushing up. This is what I personally refer to as emotional vomit! :)
It is great that your partner is expanding his social circle. Is he doing that with a recovery support group, or is he just reconnecting with old friends that were sort of lost along the way due to his addiction? I think it is very important to have good friends to hang out with and talk to.
I think a great thing would be for you to work on expanding your social network. There are support groups for partners of addicts (Al-anon, Nar-anon, CoDA) to name a few. There might be others where you live. If you call your local social service agency, they are usually the ones that have all the inside knowledge of services that are available to those touched by addiction.
When the dynamic of a relationship changes, it can be very stressful. Even though it is a move in healthier direction, change can be scary; but these changes will lead you both to a happier, healthier relationship. It is very hard for a spouse (what I am writing here is directly from my husband) when their partner begins to recover for several reasons. The first one being trust. The spouse has usually heard it all before in spades..'I'm really going to quit this time!", "I'm never going to use again", "this time is different". The wording maybe different but the sentiment of "really quiting this time" has been said ad nauseam.
When we do start to move toward recovery, I think it is imperative that the dynamic changes. What we did in active addiction was anything but healthy and I think most partners tend to use unhealthy behaviors to deal with us. I am NOT putting any of the blame for your partners addiction on you because of your personal dynamic together. He alone is responsible for his addiction and recovery. While you might not have displayed the best coping behaviors, he alone holds the responsibility for his addiction. When you have time, look up co-dependency or perhaps go to a CoDA meeting..or read the oldie but goodie "Co-dependent No More". There are very predictable patterns that people show who are in relationships with addicts. These unhealthy behaviors are not only detrimental to you, but to your recovering partner. That is why addiction is referred to as a family disease. It's these behaviors that keep us sick and stop us from growing.
Again, I think it is very important for you to expand your social circle. It doesn't have to be a recovery focused thing either. You can meet like minded people by attending events that interest you. There are book clubs, painting classes, sports clubs etc. Get out there and get involved. When you are no longer policing your partners drug use, you will find yourself with a ton of time on your hands!
I agree with the above poster that it is good to do things as a couple. It is great if there is a couple or two that you enjoy getting together with and have afew laughs! I feel it is equally important to have seperate friends. It is unhealthy to be joined at the hip! I'm not sure who your partner is hanging out with. If these are friends from meetings or others in recovery, I would discourage you from inviting yourself to go out with them. It is imortant for most addicts to be able to have a group of fellow addicts who they can share with. If you were to insert yourself into that, I think most people in the group would probably stop getting together. They would feel like they were being watched and judged and wouldn't feel free to share what they easily share with someone who has walked in their shoes.
Just remember that taking time to carve out your own friendships and interests can strengthen your relationship. It gives you new things to talk about and experience. When I got into recovery, I rediscovered my passion for horses. I had stepped away from the equestrian world when I had a horrible riding accident (That is the accident I referenced above). In recovery that passion was rediscovered. I feel most alive when I am at the barn and hugging horses is very therapeutic!!! However, I have designated the barn as "mine"! My husband doesn't go with me ever. It is my time alone to do what I love and fill up my soul. Everyone needs some alone time to refill the well of our soul.
I hope that your partner continues on the path to recovery. Just remember it is a road like any other. It is winding, sometimes uphill and most definitely has potholes! But the road leads to healing and happiness, so if you veer off the road, just try to do the quickest course correction you can.
The most helpful thing you can do for your partner is to work on you! I can think of no better way to spend time then working on ourselves. We need to be strong and independent before we have anything to offer another person. That is why on an airplane, if the plane loses cabin pressure, that you are to put on your oxygen mask first BEFORE you help anyone else. That is a great analogy to remember because if we are not strong and healthy (or in the plane scenario, breathing!) we are of no use to anyone else. The movie Jerry Mcguire has a line where the male lead says "you complete me". Barf! No one person can complete us. We all need to be whole on our own. Then and only then are we able to build healthy, stable relationships!
Mimi where do you live? I mean in which country you are currently living and how old are you? I am asking private questions, sorry, just to have better idea what and how you can improve your social life ... no stalking I swear :)
