Hi to you all, well my daughter has been out of the house for over a week now and yes a calm has decended on us but what a great price to pay for that calm. She still phones every day and it always ends with can you led have you got. I have slipped and given her money but not great amounts, and I am stopping that I have only given her twice this week, for bread and milk and the girls she is staying with took charge of that.
But I think Bryn would understand this, when I look in her eyes I see only pain and bewilderment, perhaps thats because I am her mother. The pain is tearing me apart, and I find it difficult to look at her as someone that will lie and cheat just for money for the big H.
I am sending this and as I am typing the tears are running down my faces , tears of sorrow not of selfpity, for the life my daughter hasnt got. Her drugs worker is off untill the 19th of Jan Ive told her that I have the phone number and if she phones someone else will speake to her ,but she says"Whats the point what can they do"
Shes been on naltraczone , she came out of custoudy on it and was being seen by our drugs in the community rehab team. She had only been out of Eastwood Park Prison a week and she used so the team would'nt see her. Shes been with Teds a drug support group in our areasince, but still not on a script this has been since October.There is an 8month waiting period in our area . My heart just breakes for her, I just wish I new if she really wants to stop takeing it or is she just saying what I want to hear
Alrite....Welsh L......i can only try too feel the misery you are goin thru ....with yer daughter and her addiction probs.....i have an 8yr.old girl and as a recovering addict know only to well the turmoil and pain smack can do to users and those close enough....to feel the madness.I dread in a way her teens as no doubt she will come accross drugs somwhere down the line.I think yer doin yer leval best given the deal did you also say in an erlier thread that her fella was a dealer......not sure.As long as she has the respect to bell you every day even if it is only sumetimes her after sumethin......at least you expect to hear from her and she is sleepin indoors etc......that goes a long way to ease yer thoughts.
As you will be told many times its up too her to get clean.....which is obvious...so i wouldnt say you were enabling her in any way.Iknow how tough this is for you but also know an addicts life aint to easy also shes young.and prob.thinks she knows everything.
The situation with her getting a script for subs or methadone is a disgrace in this age when everywhere is flooded with gear ......shes been waiting over 3month for some real help...terrible.Sorry for going on.....but truely yer doing yer best...and over the while yer daughter sees beyond smack hope so for both yer sakes.All the very best...........Davey
As you will be told many times its up too her to get clean.....which is obvious...so i wouldnt say you were enabling her in any way.Iknow how tough this is for you but also know an addicts life aint to easy also shes young.and prob.thinks she knows everything.
The situation with her getting a script for subs or methadone is a disgrace in this age when everywhere is flooded with gear ......shes been waiting over 3month for some real help...terrible.Sorry for going on.....but truely yer doing yer best...and over the while yer daughter sees beyond smack hope so for both yer sakes.All the very best...........Davey
I know that feeling, the relief and calm, accompanied by fear and despair. Glad not to have it in your face, sad for the life that's slipping away before your eyes. Guilt because you feel relieved, pain because you know it's not real or lasting. I feel for you, I really do. Keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts~MomNMore
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| when I look in her eyes I see only pain and bewilderment, perhaps thats because I am her mother. The pain is tearing me apart, and I find it difficult to look at her as someone that will lie and cheat just for money for the big H. |
The sad fact is that kind of thinking is prime feeding for the manipulative addict......nothing personal even towards you dear mother but it's ALL about feeling better....just once more. This is a hard road for a parent to travel(espcially a mother)...one filled with blame and regret. Never forget that you are not to blame for the pain of her choices.
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| My heart just breakes for her, I just wish I new if she really wants to stop taking it or is she just saying what I want to hear |
That is what most addicts want....making the choice is were the battle begins, continues, and ends......making that choice. We think of the fear of withdrawl, the sleepness nights, cramping, shaking, vomiting, and any yucky feeling that comes with coming off heroin. Fear rules us and fakes us out to believe that we cant do it but we can. All the best to you in this trouble filled time.
WL, I respond exactly how GYAC has.
Unfortunately like ya mentioned I know what ya mean on the other side.......only I don't see bewilderment in my daughters eyes.............and she's not doing drugs as far as I know.........I see cocky.......I hear cocky......I feel the arrogance and the purposeful hurt piled onto myself and my own mom.
See, WL like GYAC said we don't do it on purpose.........ruling us was the fear of so many things and the sickness one of the biggest........there is absolutely not one thing you did to cause this.
Also, I absolutely understand why ya gave her money........I mean your child says she is starving it's pretty tough to shut the door on her face.......only and I am so not placing blame or casting judgement............I did that and I didn't buy bread and milk.............heroin was more important..........just me, but I wouldn't give her a red hot dime........hoping you feel just a little bit better........and yeah the calm................a calm that seems to have no place because our worry of all things can happen out there replaces it...........I'm so sorry.......thinking of ya, WL.
Unfortunately like ya mentioned I know what ya mean on the other side.......only I don't see bewilderment in my daughters eyes.............and she's not doing drugs as far as I know.........I see cocky.......I hear cocky......I feel the arrogance and the purposeful hurt piled onto myself and my own mom.
See, WL like GYAC said we don't do it on purpose.........ruling us was the fear of so many things and the sickness one of the biggest........there is absolutely not one thing you did to cause this.
Also, I absolutely understand why ya gave her money........I mean your child says she is starving it's pretty tough to shut the door on her face.......only and I am so not placing blame or casting judgement............I did that and I didn't buy bread and milk.............heroin was more important..........just me, but I wouldn't give her a red hot dime........hoping you feel just a little bit better........and yeah the calm................a calm that seems to have no place because our worry of all things can happen out there replaces it...........I'm so sorry.......thinking of ya, WL.
Hi girl
Well Ive had a few days away with my family in Wales and its back to work for me tomorrow after the Christmas period. Notice I dont say break thats because theres never a break for parents of addicts. We know only too well the pain and heartache is always there 24/7. We never know if or when well get that phone call, or knock on the door.. but Ive reached the point (and it took a hell of a long time, let me tell you) where I know I can no longer put my life on hold and beat myself up about something I have no control over.. my daughters HEROIN addiction. Shes made her life choices and only SHE can change, if and when shes ready. I still love her dearly but I cant do anymore apart from be here and wait for her.
And my fair welsh lady you mustnt beat yourself up about giving in to your daughters cries. Weve all done it, unfortunately you havent reached the point in your journey yet to say no, and nobody can make you, you are her mother and you love her but I can tell you honey, that time will come. You say you see only pain and bewilderment in her eyes but what you are actually seeing is the very traits and conditions of an addict. They can turn on this look just like they can turn on you like a rabid dog, if you dont succumb to their needs.
Please dont get me wrong I am certainly not judging you, my goodness Ive been just there and done exactly that a hundred times, we dam ourselves if we do and we dam ourselves if we dont. But if youre honest with yourself do you really think your daughter will use the money for food or gear?
They have a perfected art of manipulating us, knowing they can use the emotional blackmail which will indeed lead them to score another time.
Like you say you find it difficult to look at her as someone who will cheat or lie for money to buy gear but unfortunately thats the nature of the addiction. The Heroin is far stronger than your little girl and its the hold this s*** has on her that will make her say or use any means she can to get money for it. Thats not her fault and its not yours either. I know how much your heart is breaking honey, its like someones reached inside and pulled it through your body. None of this means you have to stop being there for her, or stop talking to her on the phone. What you have to do however, to try and keep yourself strong and get some help for yourself. If youre not strong and well enough yourself, how can you help her. Dont forget the Heroin is controlling her and that evil s*** is strong, so dont let it fool you or indeed beat YOU. You are a great mum and your daughter loves you, she just cant relay that to you right now because she doesnt have control over her life, the Heroin does. So i'm going to say it again girl - dont let it beat YOU, then you can help her beat IT!
Much luv to you Welsh Lady, you are in my thoughts and prayers
BIG HUG 4U from a mum, whose here for YOU!
Luv Christina x
Well Ive had a few days away with my family in Wales and its back to work for me tomorrow after the Christmas period. Notice I dont say break thats because theres never a break for parents of addicts. We know only too well the pain and heartache is always there 24/7. We never know if or when well get that phone call, or knock on the door.. but Ive reached the point (and it took a hell of a long time, let me tell you) where I know I can no longer put my life on hold and beat myself up about something I have no control over.. my daughters HEROIN addiction. Shes made her life choices and only SHE can change, if and when shes ready. I still love her dearly but I cant do anymore apart from be here and wait for her.
And my fair welsh lady you mustnt beat yourself up about giving in to your daughters cries. Weve all done it, unfortunately you havent reached the point in your journey yet to say no, and nobody can make you, you are her mother and you love her but I can tell you honey, that time will come. You say you see only pain and bewilderment in her eyes but what you are actually seeing is the very traits and conditions of an addict. They can turn on this look just like they can turn on you like a rabid dog, if you dont succumb to their needs.
Please dont get me wrong I am certainly not judging you, my goodness Ive been just there and done exactly that a hundred times, we dam ourselves if we do and we dam ourselves if we dont. But if youre honest with yourself do you really think your daughter will use the money for food or gear?
They have a perfected art of manipulating us, knowing they can use the emotional blackmail which will indeed lead them to score another time.
Like you say you find it difficult to look at her as someone who will cheat or lie for money to buy gear but unfortunately thats the nature of the addiction. The Heroin is far stronger than your little girl and its the hold this s*** has on her that will make her say or use any means she can to get money for it. Thats not her fault and its not yours either. I know how much your heart is breaking honey, its like someones reached inside and pulled it through your body. None of this means you have to stop being there for her, or stop talking to her on the phone. What you have to do however, to try and keep yourself strong and get some help for yourself. If youre not strong and well enough yourself, how can you help her. Dont forget the Heroin is controlling her and that evil s*** is strong, so dont let it fool you or indeed beat YOU. You are a great mum and your daughter loves you, she just cant relay that to you right now because she doesnt have control over her life, the Heroin does. So i'm going to say it again girl - dont let it beat YOU, then you can help her beat IT!
Much luv to you Welsh Lady, you are in my thoughts and prayers
BIG HUG 4U from a mum, whose here for YOU!
Luv Christina x
