Hi everyone, I haven't posted too much lately, but I'm still here and you all help to keep me sober, for sure. You are a support network I can feel all of the time and it's of great comfort to me. I am 82 days sober now and so is my boyfriend. We are doing surprisingly well. His business is thriving and I have an honest relationship with my family without the defensiveness of addiction. We have a freedom we have never experienced. Why I am writing is because I don't know where to turn about this situation. About 2 years ago when I first met my bf and we were drinking and using like only you all can appreciate...he had a friend come into town..actually he was bringing a huge supply of pot to him from Colorado. I don't know how to say this, but only just to say it. We all slept together. I have never done this before and would never do this as a sober person. Of course we didn't use any protection. 10 days later both my bf and I had gotten herpes from this guy. Basically this guy never followed up with us and this was one of my bf's supposed best friends from college. Neither of us can agree on how it happened. He thinks I instigated it and I think he did. We were just too impaired to ever know. Now that we are sober it is time to face my anger with this situation and the permanent loss of my health and sexuality...which was only ever possible through alcohol/drugs anyways. It's time to face it. The thing is I have SO much anger about it. I don't know how to diffuse it and now the anger seems to be getting bigger. Granted, I just had a bunch of bloodwork done, including HIV and Hep C, both of which were negative and I don't even deserve that really. In fact all of my bloodwork was great. I do have this herpes though and it may seem minor as compared to what I could have contracted with my risky behaviors. The deal is, when I have an outbreak I just get so angry and upset and my bf is the one who gets some of this outrage. Finally I have convinced my bf to have this guy call me and I am going to talk to him today. I wrote down my feelings so that I don't pretend everything is okay. A people pleaser to the end, I would be afraid that he wouldn't like me or something! The more I think about it the angrier I get. I guess talking to him may be a place to start the process...just why hasn't he had any contact with us since then? I know he is an addict/alcoholic as well, but I lose sight of this and just want to kill the guy! He lives in another state. Do you think it's a good idea to talk to him and be honest about what loss I feel about my health and my sexuality. I have a messed up sex life like most female addicts, riddled with many things, but I feel like I have finally met this guy who I got sober with and we have a rich relationship, but when an outbreak comes I am destroyed. I don't know what I'm asking for from you guys..hope or advise. Professional counselors have been such a waste of time and money all of my life. They sit there and watch the clock and you give them $100 for it. I know ther are some good ones, but I have yet to find one. We finally had our hot tub fixed after 6 years...too much spent on drugs! I have only been around 2 years, but it hasn't worked since my bf bought the house! Now it works, but I have an outbreak and cannot use it for a week or so! We had just gotten done with a busy weekend in my bf's catering business and I had wanted to celebrate by going on a bike ride and then sitting in the hot tub...instead, all the work and stress caused an outbreak, so that was my reward! Oh feeling sorry for myself, how sad! I am lucky to have good bloodwork. Can I make peace with this anger? Will talking to the guy help me? I am at a loss. I have no escape from the feelings now, so I am unsure how to face them. Thanks for listening. Does anyone have similar stories? They always help. CAS.
Sorry to hear about your predicament, but as a nurse you know what the statistics show on Genital Herpes.............Millions have it and I am sorry that you are having to go through this............By the way,,,,,,,,, I have only had sex with two freaking guys in over 20 damn years and I have been married to both of them..........Never done the threesome thing , sure have thought about it though, and I have no problems with what you did, just sorry that the jerk gave you something that he should have told you about before you slept with him. What an arse and he is NO man, in my book............ I personally think that everyone that has this virus should share what they have with the other person before they sleep with them and then let the other un-infected person decide whether or not they want to go through with the sex, with or without protection.........However, when and if you are using and having sex, people just don't give a chit about the consiquences that come with sleeping with another person..........Be thankful that nothing worse came out of this situation and if I were you, I would not waste my time and energy getting into it with this slime ball........... He knows what he did and obviously he did not and does not give a chit so it will probably be a waste of your valuable time and energy to chew on his arse about this. Put it away.................Get rid of your anger towards him. All of you made a mistake and at least this virus won't kill you and you didn't get pregnant with the bastards baby............. Tell your hubby or boyfriend to do the same. It is unhealthy for you to dwell on this. I know that this is a hard thing to get past but you can do it........ Bless your Heart........It took an awful lot for you to come here and share that one and I really admire you for your honesty...........Take Care honey.........and Best of luck to you. In the mean time, take some Valtrex or Zovirax, they say that it works wonders....... Your first dose should be a double dose, loading dose..........ie., two pills to begin with and then follow the directions.....
Hi Cas,
(((((((((Cas)))))))) Herpes lays dormant at the base of your spine and surfaces during times of stress. Do not give it power by stressing over this thing. I know this info because I also have it, due to one of many sexual assaults in the eighties. I can tell you from experience, taking Valtrex works wonders. I can also tell you the anger will pass over time. Of course you feel angry, that's normal. I would get livid during outbreaks and take it out on everybody. Then I got mad at myself. I felt great shame as well for a very long time. Still working on the voice in my head that calls me a slut. Talking about it all with your man will help. Getting those feelings out with eachother, as friends will help so much. Write out a nasty letter, create an imaginary voodoo doll. Whatever helps. I imagine if the man knew he had it and passed it on anyway, he is not one to care about your feelings at this point. He didn't care then, why would he care now? Or perhaps he didn't know he had it, there are a few scenarios. All you can do is take care of yourself.
I awoke from a nightmare last night and started crying this morning. My rape memories are haunting me in my sleep, now. My husband held me as I cried, he told me I was safe and no one will hurt me. I tell you this because I want you to feel safe to share your feelings about this anytime. I understand.
(((((((((Cas)))))))) Herpes lays dormant at the base of your spine and surfaces during times of stress. Do not give it power by stressing over this thing. I know this info because I also have it, due to one of many sexual assaults in the eighties. I can tell you from experience, taking Valtrex works wonders. I can also tell you the anger will pass over time. Of course you feel angry, that's normal. I would get livid during outbreaks and take it out on everybody. Then I got mad at myself. I felt great shame as well for a very long time. Still working on the voice in my head that calls me a slut. Talking about it all with your man will help. Getting those feelings out with eachother, as friends will help so much. Write out a nasty letter, create an imaginary voodoo doll. Whatever helps. I imagine if the man knew he had it and passed it on anyway, he is not one to care about your feelings at this point. He didn't care then, why would he care now? Or perhaps he didn't know he had it, there are a few scenarios. All you can do is take care of yourself.
I awoke from a nightmare last night and started crying this morning. My rape memories are haunting me in my sleep, now. My husband held me as I cried, he told me I was safe and no one will hurt me. I tell you this because I want you to feel safe to share your feelings about this anytime. I understand.
CAS quotes-
I know he is an addict/alcoholic as well
therin lies a lot of explanations.
I think you are coming from a real healthy place by dealing with the anger.I would write about and either talk to your sponsor or a therapist.
Do I think you should call him?......NO
He aint going to get it anyway.I think it would fuel an already resentment to a boiling point.What if you get ahold of him when he is high?Hes not going to own up to anything which is what you want.
Take care of yourself and keep processing it.Its just one more consequence of addiction.Ive got them, we all do.
I hope you find some peace with this.
I am sorry this happened to you. It could have happened to a lot of us.
To make you feel better, if you think you can get out what you want to say before he hangs up on you or denies it which he will, try it. If nothing else, it would be good therapy.
If he doesn't listen, I would send a registered letter - people have to read their mail, can't help themselves. You can get it all out even if he doesn't care, doesn't sound like he's the caring type. So glad for you that he lives in another state and you don't have to look at him but sorry that you cannot be close enough to where you know some of the people he's hanging around - he's doing the same still - probably.
You are brave to come on this board and tell us of a permanenet condition that I have not even thought about. It tells e'one the pills and alcohol make us do what we wouldn't normally do, like Pam said, we usually just think about.
The medical part, I hope you have a good doctor to where you can have as few outbreaks as possible. I know you know it's always there but the outbreaks have to be just a painful reminder.
You are here, I'm glad you know that it could have been HIV, so you seem like you are a positive person. I am happy for you b/c of that.
Just wanted to say that I think you are brave and e'one on the board, not just the young ones. I hope will appreciate that this could happen to any of us when we are in any kind of mind altering state.
Love, Jean
To make you feel better, if you think you can get out what you want to say before he hangs up on you or denies it which he will, try it. If nothing else, it would be good therapy.
If he doesn't listen, I would send a registered letter - people have to read their mail, can't help themselves. You can get it all out even if he doesn't care, doesn't sound like he's the caring type. So glad for you that he lives in another state and you don't have to look at him but sorry that you cannot be close enough to where you know some of the people he's hanging around - he's doing the same still - probably.
You are brave to come on this board and tell us of a permanenet condition that I have not even thought about. It tells e'one the pills and alcohol make us do what we wouldn't normally do, like Pam said, we usually just think about.
The medical part, I hope you have a good doctor to where you can have as few outbreaks as possible. I know you know it's always there but the outbreaks have to be just a painful reminder.
You are here, I'm glad you know that it could have been HIV, so you seem like you are a positive person. I am happy for you b/c of that.
Just wanted to say that I think you are brave and e'one on the board, not just the young ones. I hope will appreciate that this could happen to any of us when we are in any kind of mind altering state.
Love, Jean
CAS,
Sorry to hear about it but I agree with Tim. He hasn't contacted you for a reason and it won't solve or reverse any damage by talking to him. Not saying it doesn't need to be processed, it does but talking to him I feel with be deleterious to the resolve.
Good Luck!!
Sorry to hear about it but I agree with Tim. He hasn't contacted you for a reason and it won't solve or reverse any damage by talking to him. Not saying it doesn't need to be processed, it does but talking to him I feel with be deleterious to the resolve.
Good Luck!!
CAS, I'm so sorry that he did this to you. He should be strung up by his heels and you should be allowed to go at him with a pair of scissors.
Seriously, he didn't care about you then, and he damn sure won't care about what you have to say to him now. His indifference to you may only make you more angry in the end.
I'm not real big on recommending reading material, but this is an exception. Please find a copy of FORGIVING THE UNFORGIVABLE: Overcoming the Bitter Legacy of Intimate Wounds by Beverly Flanigan.
I got my copy (actually it's Vera's but I'm reading it too) anyway, I got mine from half dot com for five bucks including postage. It was written precisely for situations you now find yourself in. It's just a really wonderful book and Ms Flanigan writes in a very easy to read, conversational manner.
take care,
James
Seriously, he didn't care about you then, and he damn sure won't care about what you have to say to him now. His indifference to you may only make you more angry in the end.
I'm not real big on recommending reading material, but this is an exception. Please find a copy of FORGIVING THE UNFORGIVABLE: Overcoming the Bitter Legacy of Intimate Wounds by Beverly Flanigan.
I got my copy (actually it's Vera's but I'm reading it too) anyway, I got mine from half dot com for five bucks including postage. It was written precisely for situations you now find yourself in. It's just a really wonderful book and Ms Flanigan writes in a very easy to read, conversational manner.
take care,
James
You guys always have words of wisdom! Thank you for your replies. I wrote out what I wanted to say and it was so many angry pages that is when I decided to consult the board of wisdom here. After I wrote here I talked to my boyfriend. Then I came back to read all of your responses. There is no point in talking to the guy. He is an alcoholic who smokes pot everyday as well. He has an almost grown son who he never had much to do with. So he runs from his problems...sounds familiar, as I did the same thing! I think I'm just dealing with things as a sober person and you work through them somehow...you go up and you go down, but then you go up again. I felt when I was using that if I went down I would never come up and then started to manage my every mood with a drug, but I used when I was happy, sad, alone, with people, celebrating, for everything, you know what I mean...I don't have to explain it to you guys. I think I'll take my parrot for a hike now and count my blessings that include you on this board. You guys don't always tell people what they want to hear. I didn't want to hear that I needed to give up all mind altering substances 82 days ago, but somehow I listened to you and am grateful beyond anything. I am sober right now. We did a cocktail party last night and I did some bartending and it just made me appreciate how truly gross it is to be drunk. I did have some thoughts that it would be nice to escape, but the morning would come and I would be on day zero? NOT worth it AT ALL. Plus if I took all the drug space I had and replaced it with alcohol I would turn yellow from cirrhosis in about a week! Canaries look nice in yellow, but people don't, and I took care enough of them in the hospital to know what I mean. They are rare to see in public because they are so ill at that point, but they look like wax. That book sounds like it would be helpful to me. We are celebrating day 90 on my Dad's 73rd birthday on Oct 29. It's only been 3 months almost, but I have lived a new life in that time from my horrible opiate/valium withdrawals to me working through problems instead of escaping from them, only to have them worse than ever when I sobered up...sobered up...what was that...it didn't happen in the past. I was always impaired on something! Thanks. CAS.
Cas..Herpes is like luggage..you have it for life..I know it is upsetting, but thank God, it was not Hep C/HIV...my ex-husband didn't leave me much..but a nice herpes infection..I do not feel ashamed of it..haven't had an outbreak in a long time..strss and sexual guilt will bring it into it's active state..there are millions who have it and a lot of support groups...we have all made mistakes..I am so glad you do not have anything worse..Valtrex works great for some....take care,Love,Sharonn
Sharonn, I know what you are saying is true. I suppose having outbreaks when I am sober is a new situation. I got it 2 years ago, but just used more drugs to deal with it...that means I've gotten nowhere with it until now I realize that it is time to deal with it. My boyfriend is always there to listen and support me. He has it as well, but deals with it more without blaming, shame and all that stuff. He says there's nothing that can be done and he is okay with it except for how I am with it. Thank you so very much for sharing your story with me. I know 50 million Americans have HSV 2 and another 40 million have HSV 1 (cold sores). It could be SO MUCH WORSE and God grant me the wisdom to never put my health at risk again. As long as I stay sober I won't put it at risk, but if I relapse there's no telling where I will end up. I know my sobriety is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING and without it I have nothing, so with that reasoning I guess I am doing pretty phenomenal right now! Cuz' I am sober and I couldn't say that prior to a few short months ago. WOW! I still can't belive that, you know what I mean? Have a great day. CAS.
There ya go CAS. That was positive. I think everyone has regretted things they have done under the influence. Its good your dealing with it. Sounds like you and your boyfriend are really good for each other too.
I'm not worried about posting re:herpes Cas..anyone who has had sex is at risk..from what I understand...it can even be transmitted without active sores..my Bf has it because of me..what are you gonna do..you are not a bad person...every time I get stressed(yesterday) i can feel the "tingle" near my groin..if I use the Acyclovir ointment at once, it usually stops an attack..BTW..Do you have Fibro? Alot of Fibro sufferers have latent viral infections..Hope you fel better..avoid foods with the amino acid lp-arginine(i.e.chocolate) when you fel an outbreak coming on..also lysine(by mouth) helps some people, although, not me. Most importantly, Love yourself and don;t stress...*hit happens..Love, S P.S. The worst I ever had it was after my mom died..it was rectally(ouch!,) vaginally, and outside near my groin..I know..too much info, but it can always be worse..keep your immune system strong!!!!!!!
Before the pain pills, I did a stretch with the alcohol/pot combo. Couldn't have one without the other.
I knew it was bad when a mosquitoe bit me, then had to check into the Betty Ford Clinic.
I knew it was bad when a mosquitoe bit me, then had to check into the Betty Ford Clinic.
CAS,
Congratulations on 83 days.
Book recommendation, available at www.amazon.com
Managing Herpes by Charles Ebel.
Take care of yourself.
Cheers,
Gina
Congratulations on 83 days.
Book recommendation, available at www.amazon.com
Managing Herpes by Charles Ebel.
Take care of yourself.
Cheers,
Gina
