Plants grow best when we pay attention to them. That means watering,touching them,putting them in places where they will receive good light. They need people around them to notice if they are drooping at the edges or looking particularly happy in the sunlight. The more attention a plant receive,the better it will grow.
We need to be noticed in the same way. If we notice a family member or friend is drooping ,perhaps we can pay some special attention to him or her. All of us need someone to care about how we are and to truly listen to us. We can share and double someone's happiness by noticing and talking about it also. We help the people around us to grow by listening to their droopy edges as well as their bright days. People need this as much as plants need light and water. Author Unknown
Sometimes even the smallest ray of light can offer hope to someones day, so offer a smile to others who may pass your way...even yourself if you see your reflection today:) zac
light and love zac:)
light and love zac:)
Hi Pirate,
Glad you are feeling better today. I like your analogy. From my own experience though I have found that the more I look outward for happiness the more unhappy I am.
For years I felt empty and reached for a bottle or drugs to fill that void. The same with people. I always thought, "If so and so was nicer to me....or if he/she wouldn't have said that to me..I'd be happier." That just wasn't the case. Once I figured out that ultimately I am the only one who can make me happy things began to fall into place.
I still struggle daily as I am human. It just doesn't seem like such a daunting task anymore. I can't control what other people do but I can control what I do.
Have a great rest of your sunday Marie!
Glad you are feeling better today. I like your analogy. From my own experience though I have found that the more I look outward for happiness the more unhappy I am.
For years I felt empty and reached for a bottle or drugs to fill that void. The same with people. I always thought, "If so and so was nicer to me....or if he/she wouldn't have said that to me..I'd be happier." That just wasn't the case. Once I figured out that ultimately I am the only one who can make me happy things began to fall into place.
I still struggle daily as I am human. It just doesn't seem like such a daunting task anymore. I can't control what other people do but I can control what I do.
Have a great rest of your sunday Marie!
I'm talking with my daughter about how happiness comes from within, from doing those things that make us feel good about ourselves....this is what helps us grow and shine and laugh......so the beauty of it is that reaching out to others who are drooping can help both people......just like this board.
Life really is a beautiful, beautiful dance.
Life really is a beautiful, beautiful dance.
Hey Martin yea life is like a dance but don't you just hate it tho when your partner keeps stepping on your toes.?
lol...communication is the key and I could never get that right....:)...maybe next time...
Hey Martin I don't think you have any trouble communicating lol. Have a great day! Enjoy the sun if its shining if it's rain enjoy that too. Heck run in the puddles if it make you feel happy. People might wonder why a man of your age is running and leaping through the puddles but hey who gives a heck uh? lol . Now there's an image that can make me laugh. All you need is a few bulls chasing you. lol
Pirate...I'm glad to see you in better spirits.
Well,being that I'm a landscape designer I certainly can see the correlation in everything you wrote.I'm also a surfer so the water is my second home.
If I do not go surfing for several weeks,I feel a spritual void start taking root.The water,sun,sand and the vibrations from other surfers is the drug I've always been searching for.I also dig the mountains, when I can afford to go.I went skiing in Utah in February and every morning watching that sun come over those mounyains confirmed my belief that a Higher Force has always been in charge,
It's so great to see a shift in you Pirate.I always look for your post.There's a gut level honesty in them that is so rare.
Have a great day.
Well,being that I'm a landscape designer I certainly can see the correlation in everything you wrote.I'm also a surfer so the water is my second home.
If I do not go surfing for several weeks,I feel a spritual void start taking root.The water,sun,sand and the vibrations from other surfers is the drug I've always been searching for.I also dig the mountains, when I can afford to go.I went skiing in Utah in February and every morning watching that sun come over those mounyains confirmed my belief that a Higher Force has always been in charge,
It's so great to see a shift in you Pirate.I always look for your post.There's a gut level honesty in them that is so rare.
Have a great day.
I disagree personally, as dependence on others for my state of mind is what made my an alcoholic. There's a fine line between recovery and co-dependence, in MY OPINION, and addictive personalities that take it upon themselves to fix themselves will probably wind up with the same results given enough time.
Silence doesn't mean compliance. MY serenity is based on acceptance.
Silence doesn't mean compliance. MY serenity is based on acceptance.
lol pirate....thanks for the memory...sometimes I think it would be easier to be a bullfighter than work my way out of this much more confusing maze that is me......at least you can be sure where the dangers are......
I liked this analogy because my experience is that my true, authentic self finds great joy and meaning in helping others and in seeing their joy. I blossom when I reach out to help those who are drooping.....but it has to be authentic, the motive has to be clean....
....because I'm aware that in addition to this loving expression of my deepest spiritual truth I can sometimes act in supposedly "kind" ways for my OWN ends. Interestingly, it always feels different.
The key to the difference between these two for me is that in the first example any joy or pleasure I feel is entirely a by-product of a good act and is unlooked-for, wheras in the second example part of me is (often unconsciously) seeking the payoff for MYSELF and the "good deed" is no more than a vehicle for MY happiness, rather than an act of the heart to help someone else. Sometimes the payoff might be pleasure, sometimes their gratitude or admiration, sometimes to (unconsciously) undermine their confidence by solving a problem they could solve and sometimes the payoff is their ingratitude or abuse, which confims very unhealthy beliefs about myself or others.
Sometimes I do not know I have been acting in the second mode until after the event, but I hope I'm getting better at knowing what I'm doing and why.
And I like the analogy because personally, I believe human beings are interdependent, rather than dependent or truly independent. What I do DOES affect others, and I can claim they "shouldn't" be hurt or whatever and tell them that they "choose" to be angry.....well that might be true of the three Gurus on a mountain in India and those well-versed in a 12 step-programme, but until we all reach such enlightenment I'm going to continue try to be sensitive around others - without compromising my integrity of course, because that's the root of my self-esteem issues - I abandoned my true self. On the other hand, as for ME getting angry, I am willing to accept my complete responsibility for THAT, and I am as we speak (don't ask... lol). Baby steps, but I'm doing my best to grow in that and other regards.
Martin
I liked this analogy because my experience is that my true, authentic self finds great joy and meaning in helping others and in seeing their joy. I blossom when I reach out to help those who are drooping.....but it has to be authentic, the motive has to be clean....
....because I'm aware that in addition to this loving expression of my deepest spiritual truth I can sometimes act in supposedly "kind" ways for my OWN ends. Interestingly, it always feels different.
The key to the difference between these two for me is that in the first example any joy or pleasure I feel is entirely a by-product of a good act and is unlooked-for, wheras in the second example part of me is (often unconsciously) seeking the payoff for MYSELF and the "good deed" is no more than a vehicle for MY happiness, rather than an act of the heart to help someone else. Sometimes the payoff might be pleasure, sometimes their gratitude or admiration, sometimes to (unconsciously) undermine their confidence by solving a problem they could solve and sometimes the payoff is their ingratitude or abuse, which confims very unhealthy beliefs about myself or others.
Sometimes I do not know I have been acting in the second mode until after the event, but I hope I'm getting better at knowing what I'm doing and why.
And I like the analogy because personally, I believe human beings are interdependent, rather than dependent or truly independent. What I do DOES affect others, and I can claim they "shouldn't" be hurt or whatever and tell them that they "choose" to be angry.....well that might be true of the three Gurus on a mountain in India and those well-versed in a 12 step-programme, but until we all reach such enlightenment I'm going to continue try to be sensitive around others - without compromising my integrity of course, because that's the root of my self-esteem issues - I abandoned my true self. On the other hand, as for ME getting angry, I am willing to accept my complete responsibility for THAT, and I am as we speak (don't ask... lol). Baby steps, but I'm doing my best to grow in that and other regards.
Martin
Thanks Tim. I just absolutely Love the water. I grew up in a little village by the salt water with lots of mountains and even today I love the smell of the salt in the air when standing on a beach or pier and listening to the seabirds.I love the early morning and seeing the sunrise. Wish I know how to surf tho but guess that is for another life lol. some people believe we keep coming back until we get it right so seems I have a few trips to make yet. Enjoy the waves!
So glad to see you feeling better Pirate! Enjoy your day. It's early June gloom here in So Cal at the moment..so lots of drizzle.
Have a great sober day!
Have a great sober day!
skg my opinion is--- sometimes though ,our happiness or lack of it do depend on others. If not, then are we not allowing ourselves to feel? :)
hi pirate,
with my co-dependent spectacles on I can share my esh which is to say if I give anyone else power over my happiness I'm taking a real risk with my joy and if I'm an alcoholic on top of that I'm heading for real trouble.....
Letting ourselves depend on another's mood or happiness or expecting them to make us happy is setting ourselves up for pain....unless we're VERY careful in our choice of partner and even then they change, get sick, die.....
So that part I agree with. I want to depend on nobody but ME for my happiness....but of course other people DO make me happy, and that's a bonus....and I can "make" other people happy and that's healthy so long as I'm not doing it for unhealthy (often unconscious/co-dependent) motives.....
My esh - hope you both don't mind me butting in but as someone with co-dependent issues that's what I read from/into Skg's post ....but he'll no doubt speak for himself.
with my co-dependent spectacles on I can share my esh which is to say if I give anyone else power over my happiness I'm taking a real risk with my joy and if I'm an alcoholic on top of that I'm heading for real trouble.....
Letting ourselves depend on another's mood or happiness or expecting them to make us happy is setting ourselves up for pain....unless we're VERY careful in our choice of partner and even then they change, get sick, die.....
So that part I agree with. I want to depend on nobody but ME for my happiness....but of course other people DO make me happy, and that's a bonus....and I can "make" other people happy and that's healthy so long as I'm not doing it for unhealthy (often unconscious/co-dependent) motives.....
My esh - hope you both don't mind me butting in but as someone with co-dependent issues that's what I read from/into Skg's post ....but he'll no doubt speak for himself.
Hey there Martin. You are not butting in. This what this board is about for people to share their ESH and I appreciate what you have to say. What I meant is some of our moods are influenced by other peoples actions or lack thereof.If I am in a happy mood and something happens within my family that is upsetting or alarming or if someone says or does something to upset me my happy mood is then influenced by their actions especially when if pertains to me or my situation. I know we can't rely on other people all the time to make us happy nor should we allow ourselves to be made sad or angry by them.but there are times when the actions of others have such an impact on us that it do affect our moods because it affects our lives. I know true happiness is found within ourselves but sometimes we have no control over circumstances we have to live with and there are some situations we just can't run away from just because we don't want to feel affected by what we think would intrude on our sense of happiness. Hope you understand what I am trying to say. It's kinda hard for me to explain exactly what it is I am trying to say or maybe I misunderstood something I read. Thanks for the ESH and you take care my friend and have a great day!God bless
ah, pirate....it's good to talk!
My experience as someone living with another alcoholic was that I made her emotions the compass for our family life....how could I be happy if she wasn't happy? She'd been drinking for many years and was depressed and angry much of the time. I was in denial about alcohol (genuinely ignorant, but I did nothing to investigate its effects at the time). I tied myself in knots trying to influence her emotions because I made my own dependent on hers...
I think I'm beginning to understand that if I'd simply accepted that she was unhappy/angry whatever and carried on my own sweet way without allowing it to affect MY mood, I would have been happier....and ironically the relationship would probably have been better too.....
On the other hand, if she does something completely unacceptable that, understandably, hurts my feelings (I'm not a guru!)....for example if she was unfaithful - then I have two rational choices - forgiveness or leaving. If I don't forgive and stay I'm only going to make myself even more miserable.
In principle, the more I can accept what I cannot change, and if I can find the courage to change what I can AND the wisdom to know the difference, then the happier I'll be.....happier in a profound and lasting joy kinda way, which is what serenity feels like to me.
Take care,
Martin.
My experience as someone living with another alcoholic was that I made her emotions the compass for our family life....how could I be happy if she wasn't happy? She'd been drinking for many years and was depressed and angry much of the time. I was in denial about alcohol (genuinely ignorant, but I did nothing to investigate its effects at the time). I tied myself in knots trying to influence her emotions because I made my own dependent on hers...
I think I'm beginning to understand that if I'd simply accepted that she was unhappy/angry whatever and carried on my own sweet way without allowing it to affect MY mood, I would have been happier....and ironically the relationship would probably have been better too.....
On the other hand, if she does something completely unacceptable that, understandably, hurts my feelings (I'm not a guru!)....for example if she was unfaithful - then I have two rational choices - forgiveness or leaving. If I don't forgive and stay I'm only going to make myself even more miserable.
In principle, the more I can accept what I cannot change, and if I can find the courage to change what I can AND the wisdom to know the difference, then the happier I'll be.....happier in a profound and lasting joy kinda way, which is what serenity feels like to me.
Take care,
Martin.
Pirate
Unfortunately,that got me into a lot of trouble.It's probably why I'm single,huh?LOL
When I was involved with someone,other than the two labs I have,it was always a mystery how much turmoil would be waiting for me when I walked in the door.
I put way too much emphasis on others well being and made it soley my responsibility that they were"O.K."
This BB is a good example of that,some people get their feelings hurt if their post aren't anwered fast enough,if someone disagrees with them,if someone thinks they are being ignored,?
I think it's human nature to want to be liked and I certainly "beem" when someone gives me a compliment or tells me they enjoyed what I shared.It's even more so when someone wants me to lead a meeting or even considers me to sponsor them..I have to keep it all in context though.That's not what defines my personal happiness.
That can be something as simple as waking up in the morning,walking outside and noticing that the hibiscus I planted last week is beginning to show it's first bud.It's driving back from Surfside after a two hour seesion and realizing I haven't thought about any problems for 3 hours.It's smiling for absolutely no reason.Those are not the actions are results from other people.
Today,my personal happiness is not dependent on others.It's just an extra reward when I can share it with others but it's not a prerequisite.
However.........if I don't get my a** to work my personal happiness will be taking a nosedive quite rapidly.
| QUOTE |
| sometimes though ,our happiness or lack of it do depend on others. If not, then are we not allowing ourselves to feel? :) ? |
Unfortunately,that got me into a lot of trouble.It's probably why I'm single,huh?LOL
When I was involved with someone,other than the two labs I have,it was always a mystery how much turmoil would be waiting for me when I walked in the door.
I put way too much emphasis on others well being and made it soley my responsibility that they were"O.K."
This BB is a good example of that,some people get their feelings hurt if their post aren't anwered fast enough,if someone disagrees with them,if someone thinks they are being ignored,?
I think it's human nature to want to be liked and I certainly "beem" when someone gives me a compliment or tells me they enjoyed what I shared.It's even more so when someone wants me to lead a meeting or even considers me to sponsor them..I have to keep it all in context though.That's not what defines my personal happiness.
That can be something as simple as waking up in the morning,walking outside and noticing that the hibiscus I planted last week is beginning to show it's first bud.It's driving back from Surfside after a two hour seesion and realizing I haven't thought about any problems for 3 hours.It's smiling for absolutely no reason.Those are not the actions are results from other people.
Today,my personal happiness is not dependent on others.It's just an extra reward when I can share it with others but it's not a prerequisite.
However.........if I don't get my a** to work my personal happiness will be taking a nosedive quite rapidly.
Hi Tim thanks for the post. I can understand what you are saying and I can understand what everyone else is saying too. It's hard for me to explain what I mean. If I wake up happy and start my day in a good mood and in a good frame of mind and I tell myself I am going to remain positive throughout the day and then something drastic happens that makes it's hard to stay happy. For example not too long ago I was doing fine with my "inner" happiness but then my daughter had to go to a mental hosptial because she was so totally out of it and talked of suicide and acted somewhat on it.My maternal instinct was of worry,fear,and anxiety and I had no control over that. So for that night and the days following was filled with dread,helplessness and only the pain that a mother can understand when their child is hurting. I think I am doing well with my recovery considering all the other problems I have to deal with. Every day basically brings along something that has to be dealt with . It's either things going on with the court,the cops,and of course her emotionally stability. So what I was trying to say is that it is kind of difficult to have inner peace and happiness when so much more is going on. My thearpist and sponsor tell me that I am a very strong person to have not taken a drink with some of the things I deal with. They compliment me on my strength all the time.I am grateful that I have not drank and some of that is due to the fact of the support I get here from this board which I am quick to praise to my thearpist and sponsor both.I think if it was just my addiction I was dealing with I would be well on my way to a peaceful and happy life but there is soooooo much turmoil going on that somedays I don't know if there will ever be a end to it all. LIke I said it's kinda difficult for me to explain what I mean but I know what you mean. I know you are saying that our inner happiness and peace cannot come from others it has to come from within ourselves .I understand that. But sometimes s*** happens and it do affect and influence us and interferes with our own inner happiness and peace.I know I must sound like a broken record cause I keep repeating the same stuff over but I am only trying to get across how I feel or think. Anyway that is my b**** for today lol. And it is a gorgerous day here where I live. Hope your day finds you in good spirits and good health. God bless and take care
