HI, I just signed up on this message board. I feel a little weird doing this but, why not?? Anyway, about me, 20 something male, taking pain pills for over 13 14 months now. I started taking a couple vicodins and got an amazing high, all of my anxiety in life was gone!! I have a lot of anxiety and I never experienced releif like the vicodin gave me from other medications. It started out to be a 2 a day thing into a 15-20 a day habit of blowing money and worrying about getting more. After ten months I tried to quit and suffered terrible anxiety and aches. I decided to talk to a counselor to help. I was detoxed (suboxone), went to out patient classes for a month or so. In the back of my mind I really didn't want to quit, I was scared that I would never get "that feeling" again. I always thought that I could ge through it on my own if I really needed to. Needless to say I started back up again and found it harder and harder to get that same feeling. I have almost been taking vics, lortabs, lorcets for two months again now. I have been taking about 15 a day. I get scared at night that I will get withdrawals or that I am fully addicted again?? Am i?? I actually have gotten sick a couple of times lately (threw up at night). Sometimes, I don't even feel an effect from 5 or 6 pills or so, then I start to worry about the money and everything. I wish that I could try and just take a few on the weekends or something. I know that is not going to happen...right??? Anyway, that is my story, I would really appreciate to hear back from someone who knows what they are talking about. I am still seeing a counselor but I am scared to tell them that I am back on the pills again,,,I feel like they will get mad at me and think that I am weak. Thank you.
Delmonte,
Welcome..Thanks for sharing your story here.You have been honest with us, why not that counselor? I am not an expert, new to posting myself, but, not new to addiciton. It sounds as if you need a plan, to stop taking these drugs that are giving you a false sense of security. You seem to know the answer to your question. Are you addicted again? You are always, from what I have learned, an addict by nature, and habit. If you can, do the right thing for your body and mind ,seek help, you have done it before, you know the routine. The pill taking wont stop itself, so you have to do it. Stop putting it off... it wont get any easier. You stated that in the back of your mind ( during your detox with sub) you were going to go back to using, you have to commit, there isn't much going back after a while of relapsing.
Me, I was totally committed to recovery, never again would I use, promised everyone, and I failed, thats how hard it is even when you are committed.
Others I know couldnt wait to leave and use again, that wasnt going to be me, how could they? I thought I had this beat, I will not give myself the satisfaction of that belief again. I fell, dusted myself off and I am doing my very best,hoping it will be enough. I have a plan to get better.
How are you going to do it? You have before and can try again, just make that plan, commit to it.
Good Luck in the steps you need to start taking, ask the posters here for advice any step of the way, but, you'll need to go out and get honest with someone besides us, most of all, yourself.
Lucky :)
Welcome..Thanks for sharing your story here.You have been honest with us, why not that counselor? I am not an expert, new to posting myself, but, not new to addiciton. It sounds as if you need a plan, to stop taking these drugs that are giving you a false sense of security. You seem to know the answer to your question. Are you addicted again? You are always, from what I have learned, an addict by nature, and habit. If you can, do the right thing for your body and mind ,seek help, you have done it before, you know the routine. The pill taking wont stop itself, so you have to do it. Stop putting it off... it wont get any easier. You stated that in the back of your mind ( during your detox with sub) you were going to go back to using, you have to commit, there isn't much going back after a while of relapsing.
Me, I was totally committed to recovery, never again would I use, promised everyone, and I failed, thats how hard it is even when you are committed.
Others I know couldnt wait to leave and use again, that wasnt going to be me, how could they? I thought I had this beat, I will not give myself the satisfaction of that belief again. I fell, dusted myself off and I am doing my very best,hoping it will be enough. I have a plan to get better.
How are you going to do it? You have before and can try again, just make that plan, commit to it.
Good Luck in the steps you need to start taking, ask the posters here for advice any step of the way, but, you'll need to go out and get honest with someone besides us, most of all, yourself.
Lucky :)
Hey!
All I can tell you is that my story is similar and I KNOW that it will only get worse for you if you do not start a recovery plan NOW. You will NEVER get the same high again. What WILL happen is: more anxiety, more money wasted, problems in all of your relationships, health problems, overdose, arrest, and/or death.
I am only just beginning my recovery, so I am no expert, but those things will happen if you do not stop. You have taken the first step......awsome!! This board is a great tool to learn how to start your recoveryu. Listen to the advice you get here, it works.
Good luck and keep posting.
Jer
All I can tell you is that my story is similar and I KNOW that it will only get worse for you if you do not start a recovery plan NOW. You will NEVER get the same high again. What WILL happen is: more anxiety, more money wasted, problems in all of your relationships, health problems, overdose, arrest, and/or death.
I am only just beginning my recovery, so I am no expert, but those things will happen if you do not stop. You have taken the first step......awsome!! This board is a great tool to learn how to start your recoveryu. Listen to the advice you get here, it works.
Good luck and keep posting.
Jer
Hi Del
Welcome to the forum. I am glad you posted because we all need feedback for coping with issues in our lives.
Have you ever been to an NA meeting? When you can be in the presence of a bunch of people who were struggling with all your issues, but are finding being clean the best part of their lives...well, it is probably pretty powerful.
I don't think you can take pain pills anymore. I don't think addicts can self medicate at all, with anything. We tend to trade one addiction for another, so...we have to develop tools for dealing with that. That is what a recovery plan is all about. Developing the skills to not only stay clean, but to be happy in our lives.
That feeling you think you will never have again...that is a lie your brain is telling you and it is classic addict thinking. Anyway, yes...you will have that feeling again, only it will be better than ever...because it is YOUR good feeling, and not the fake sense of "high" that you get from pills. It takes time, and you have to work at it, but everything takes time...it will come.
Withdrawals are difficult. Body aches, chills, fever, etc. It is like a really serious case of the flu...but, it passes. During that time, you just take it one minute, hour, day at a time, and try and realize what these pills have done to your body and brain to make it so hard on you. It can be a real powerful time of learning, if you let it.
I have found that you must have a plan for staying clean. Counseling is great...stay with it, fellowship with other addicts in great...you should seek it out, and also, exercise and diet are key to feeling good. That is just life, right?
All I can tell you is this thing won't get any better. It always only gets worse. There is help for you all over the place...and I might add...man, to get clean in your mid 20's...and learn all that goes with getting clean and staying clean....you are going to be one amazing man! It takes strength and character and a lot of courage to reach out to strangers....so give yourself a huge pat on the back! I think it is awesome!
There are so many of us who struggled for a long time in addiction. Those years cannot be redone...I am not saying, all is lost...it is what it is...but you have an amazing shot and making your young adult life a total WIN.
Also, tell your counselor. If they know about your previous issues, they already know you are high. We think no one can tell, but, it doesn't really come as a surprise to anyone when we finally get honest. They may not have known "what" we were high on, but I found, they all knew I was "high" on something. You will feel a lot better when you get honest...then, you can start working on a solution!
Keep posting.
Peace.
Sarah
Welcome to the forum. I am glad you posted because we all need feedback for coping with issues in our lives.
Have you ever been to an NA meeting? When you can be in the presence of a bunch of people who were struggling with all your issues, but are finding being clean the best part of their lives...well, it is probably pretty powerful.
I don't think you can take pain pills anymore. I don't think addicts can self medicate at all, with anything. We tend to trade one addiction for another, so...we have to develop tools for dealing with that. That is what a recovery plan is all about. Developing the skills to not only stay clean, but to be happy in our lives.
That feeling you think you will never have again...that is a lie your brain is telling you and it is classic addict thinking. Anyway, yes...you will have that feeling again, only it will be better than ever...because it is YOUR good feeling, and not the fake sense of "high" that you get from pills. It takes time, and you have to work at it, but everything takes time...it will come.
Withdrawals are difficult. Body aches, chills, fever, etc. It is like a really serious case of the flu...but, it passes. During that time, you just take it one minute, hour, day at a time, and try and realize what these pills have done to your body and brain to make it so hard on you. It can be a real powerful time of learning, if you let it.
I have found that you must have a plan for staying clean. Counseling is great...stay with it, fellowship with other addicts in great...you should seek it out, and also, exercise and diet are key to feeling good. That is just life, right?
All I can tell you is this thing won't get any better. It always only gets worse. There is help for you all over the place...and I might add...man, to get clean in your mid 20's...and learn all that goes with getting clean and staying clean....you are going to be one amazing man! It takes strength and character and a lot of courage to reach out to strangers....so give yourself a huge pat on the back! I think it is awesome!
There are so many of us who struggled for a long time in addiction. Those years cannot be redone...I am not saying, all is lost...it is what it is...but you have an amazing shot and making your young adult life a total WIN.
Also, tell your counselor. If they know about your previous issues, they already know you are high. We think no one can tell, but, it doesn't really come as a surprise to anyone when we finally get honest. They may not have known "what" we were high on, but I found, they all knew I was "high" on something. You will feel a lot better when you get honest...then, you can start working on a solution!
Keep posting.
Peace.
Sarah
hey Delmonte,
That euphoric feeling you got from the first time you took Vicodin is just the price you pay for the sheer hell that follows. Like many here have said, its a grand deception, a ruse of the psyche. Life is not always a bowl of bliss and we tend to want to feel good all the time, but that is just not reality.
Happiness is indeed a state of mind and the more your mind is cluttered with drugs the perception of happiness will be too. Find the REAL reason why you took the drugs in the first place and you will be on your way to recovery. Sounds like you have gone to therapy and meetings before....go back, stick with it and learn about who you are.
That euphoric feeling you got from the first time you took Vicodin is just the price you pay for the sheer hell that follows. Like many here have said, its a grand deception, a ruse of the psyche. Life is not always a bowl of bliss and we tend to want to feel good all the time, but that is just not reality.
Happiness is indeed a state of mind and the more your mind is cluttered with drugs the perception of happiness will be too. Find the REAL reason why you took the drugs in the first place and you will be on your way to recovery. Sounds like you have gone to therapy and meetings before....go back, stick with it and learn about who you are.
| QUOTE |
| I get scared at night that I will get withdrawals or that I am fully addicted again?? Am i?? I actually have gotten sick a couple of times lately (threw up at night). Sometimes, I don't even feel an effect from 5 or 6 pills or so, then I start to worry about the money and everything. I wish that I could try and just take a few on the weekends or something. I know that is not going to happen...right??? |
Yes........and........No
I hope you listened to everyone because it's not going to get any easier.At 20 years old you are an addict and if you stop now you can have an unbelievable rich life.
However,no one could tell me at that age I was an addict.All you have to do is walk into an NA meeting and you will see kids in there that are 15.Yep.It's a hearsh reality.
Good Luck
Here is a link to NA.I would run to the phone.
My Webpage
Wow, thanks for all the responses, I can't believe that people actually wrote back!! Thanks so much......I feel so much better that others know what I am going thru. Well, I didn't take any vics all day yesterday until about 8PM because I got reall anxious and restless, my legs were twitching!!! It calmed me down. I only took three all day. This morning was rough, we'll see what happens. I want to try to ween myself off, I don't have the money to go to rehab, in or out patient, right now. I also plan on telling my therapist that I have not been honest with her, what the hell, I am paying her...right??? I will tell her next week. I forgot the poster but, one of you hit it right on the the head. You said that if you keep it up the result will be health probelms, arrest, death, money, realtionship problems.....I know this, I am a smart guy. It is just hard to realize it when you feel so damn good off those pills. One of my probelms is that I think that the pills enhance everyday life, they make it not boring. I have a ton of hobbies that I like to do and I always take pills before.....it will be hard to get back to enjoying things without them. Thanks.
hey del:
if you truly want to taper...make a schedule. count the pills you have left, set the date you want to be done, and ration your pills through those days. it takes the "feeling" out of it. you are just doing your job to get off them. does that make any sense???
that is how i did it. but, i went 1000 miles from home to do it. the main thing is cutting your self off from your sources...stating to them...NO MORE. when i got back home, they were a little relentless about wanting to sell me pills, so, i had to be tough then.
the leg stuff won't last long...hot baths good healthy food go a long way.
hang in there! glad you are gonna tell your therapist.
if you truly want to taper...make a schedule. count the pills you have left, set the date you want to be done, and ration your pills through those days. it takes the "feeling" out of it. you are just doing your job to get off them. does that make any sense???
that is how i did it. but, i went 1000 miles from home to do it. the main thing is cutting your self off from your sources...stating to them...NO MORE. when i got back home, they were a little relentless about wanting to sell me pills, so, i had to be tough then.
the leg stuff won't last long...hot baths good healthy food go a long way.
hang in there! glad you are gonna tell your therapist.
