For nearly 4 years I have lived with a heroin addict, I have never told anyone the truth before as i Loved him and protected him but now hes left and i need help.
When we met he told me he had used drugs but never injected, i didnt realise heroin could be smoked,naive i know.
We got together and from the day we met we didnt spend a second apart, I knew he took subbies but was ok with that, i loved him and believed he was clean.
He wasnt working and talked me into giving up work and moving out the area with my four kids for a new start with him, i was so head over heels i did. Been in two abusive relationships before him and finally thought i had my happy ending. The day before we moved he started using again, at first he lied that it was just crack but i knew. He promised me he didnt want this so we still moved and i wanted to help him get clean.
He stopped taking the subbies and used full time, my ex found out and took the kids from me for 6 weeks and told ss.
To cut a very long story short it was just us for 6 weeks and we were a mess, he offered me some and i used it - helped me forget the pain i was going through
We split a few months later, i ran with the kids one night back to my friends and family but like his addiction to h mine to him was way too strong , we got back together, i lost all my friends and family.
At first he didnt use, told me i was more to him than h. he was back on subs and we were perfect. But then it crept back, he used on top of subbies only 1-3 days a week but enough,
We moved again and he finally went back to work - his old boss who helped him with rehab etc
But he still kept using, lying to everyone but me. I used with him - not because i wanted to but more to stop him doing it, thought if he saw what it did to me he would stop - how wrong was i??
We are now both taking subbies from his script, our lives were totally perfect, i handled him using a few times a month but we moved again 6 months ago to a whole new area without anyone around to try and cause problems for us but he still kept using.
Three days ago we sued crack and h for the last time together, after we had just had sex and he told me he was feeling depressed, i felt the same and told him but instead of caring and being there for me it turned into a huge row. He went to work the next day but text me how he felt about me and when he got home wanted to talk. I was still so mad at him i wouldnt and he hit me and had a huge row with my son, the following day he got home from work took his stuff and left. I begged him to talk but he wont.
so now hes been gone two days and i havent heard from him, im getting so worried and text him about 200 times but not one reply.
How can he do this when he said how much he loved me just a few days ago?
Sorry for such a long post but im a mess, i got barely enough subbies to last a week and im scared im gonna have wd's
Im also terrified hes hurt or worse, i messages his bosses wife, mum and sis in law but not got a single reply, i tried ringing him but nothing, checked his phone use online adn hes not text antone but his boss early yesterday
My heart tells me he loves me and will be home but hes so stubborn, we always said if we spent a night apart we would never get back together.
I knowhes an addict and i am too but he was always my true addiction, using was only ever because he was - a stupid reason but the truth
What can i do to get him to come home, cant stop crying and miss him so bad, hes left hardly anything of his here so hes not planning to come get it and i dont want to be without him
help x
dear lord child...i swear i dont have the heart for this anymore...first thing u need to do is get yourself clean...let him go...go over to the family board for that part if u need some help in doing that....but first thing u need to do here before anything else is stop worrying about him and start worrying about you...for u, for ur kids...he will either be back...or not...it doesnt matter...u cant figure out the relationship or anything else if ur using crack and smack...is there a detox or a rehab out there ?...any meeting u could go to ?...for yourself and for your family too...alanon or NA or AA ?...i havent got a huge bunch of advice for you...others will be around and probably will have more to give you so hang in there and check back..sorry im not much help....im just a relasped junkie whose trying to taper off their methadone and not having such a great day...look, i know u love this guy but he's not done you anything good it sounds like...u need to work on getting clean and getting youraelf to a point where u can see u deserve way better than what this dude is giving you for a life...best of luck...
constantine
constantine
in response to help me,
I think you are going to find that most people responding to your letter are going to tell you to get away from that person as fast as your legs can carry you. Believe me I know that will be one of the hardest things you'll have to face right now but it's the best advice you can get even if your heart is crying what will I do without him?? You might stay alive, thats what. Your kids need you, but if you can't take proper care of yourself how the hell are you going to take care of 4 kids???? The next thing is to get yourself cleaned up.You need to think about YOU. You CAN'T GET CLEAN FOR ANYONE ELSE. Until your boyfriend has had enough and hits his own "personal bottom" you can't help him. You are enabling each other to keep using. Having been in a similiar situation many years ago and after many half-assed and failed attempts to get clean I headed for the nearest methadone clinic and didnt look back.Granted they do have requirments to get on maintenance but they do have long detox programs available.With the first dose I felt better, I wasn't sick and the need to go pickup and use was GONE. Slowly with thier help I became a productive member of society,became a much better,stable parent and was clean when my first grandchildren were born.They are the loves of my life and now at 14 years old,twins,a boy and a girl, they are blessed with a clean granny.I have another grandson who lives out of state but I still have a relationship of sorts with him.He's almost 6 and starts kindergarten soon. Both of my boys grew up in a dysfunctional home setting as did I.My mother was an alcoholic,yet I was blessed to see her get sober,going through one 28 day program and she stayed sober until her passing 13 years later.She died before being able to meet her first and only granddaughter. (as the girls in our family all had boys) At this point in time you can't see how this is affecting your children and bless you,you have 4, but it does and unless you want to DIE, get help for yourself. I am now involved with my clinics P.A.A.G.(Patients Advisory and Advocacy Group) meetings with clients from our clinic who continuosly are testing dirty and are on methadone maintenance. We meet 4 times a month and talk,we're all in the same boat,they just haven't let this program work for them, totally. It is kind of my way of giving back.We try to show patients that this program will work if you just give it a chance. If people spent as much time on their recovery as they do on hustling to get high we'd have a lot more success stories I think.I've been clean for 17+ years and If methadone isn't your thing,GET HELP SOMEWHERE!!!Please, and try to be strong,your kids and grandkids will thank you for it as well as your family and friends who are at loss as to how to help you.
signed, Granny2 3
I think you are going to find that most people responding to your letter are going to tell you to get away from that person as fast as your legs can carry you. Believe me I know that will be one of the hardest things you'll have to face right now but it's the best advice you can get even if your heart is crying what will I do without him?? You might stay alive, thats what. Your kids need you, but if you can't take proper care of yourself how the hell are you going to take care of 4 kids???? The next thing is to get yourself cleaned up.You need to think about YOU. You CAN'T GET CLEAN FOR ANYONE ELSE. Until your boyfriend has had enough and hits his own "personal bottom" you can't help him. You are enabling each other to keep using. Having been in a similiar situation many years ago and after many half-assed and failed attempts to get clean I headed for the nearest methadone clinic and didnt look back.Granted they do have requirments to get on maintenance but they do have long detox programs available.With the first dose I felt better, I wasn't sick and the need to go pickup and use was GONE. Slowly with thier help I became a productive member of society,became a much better,stable parent and was clean when my first grandchildren were born.They are the loves of my life and now at 14 years old,twins,a boy and a girl, they are blessed with a clean granny.I have another grandson who lives out of state but I still have a relationship of sorts with him.He's almost 6 and starts kindergarten soon. Both of my boys grew up in a dysfunctional home setting as did I.My mother was an alcoholic,yet I was blessed to see her get sober,going through one 28 day program and she stayed sober until her passing 13 years later.She died before being able to meet her first and only granddaughter. (as the girls in our family all had boys) At this point in time you can't see how this is affecting your children and bless you,you have 4, but it does and unless you want to DIE, get help for yourself. I am now involved with my clinics P.A.A.G.(Patients Advisory and Advocacy Group) meetings with clients from our clinic who continuosly are testing dirty and are on methadone maintenance. We meet 4 times a month and talk,we're all in the same boat,they just haven't let this program work for them, totally. It is kind of my way of giving back.We try to show patients that this program will work if you just give it a chance. If people spent as much time on their recovery as they do on hustling to get high we'd have a lot more success stories I think.I've been clean for 17+ years and If methadone isn't your thing,GET HELP SOMEWHERE!!!Please, and try to be strong,your kids and grandkids will thank you for it as well as your family and friends who are at loss as to how to help you.
signed, Granny2 3
Ditto on everything Granny said....
Granny...Thanx
Con
Granny...Thanx
Con
Thank you, I know what you are saying is true but I dont know where to start. I hate how my life has become, when i met him i was married and had everything except a man i loved ( sad but true) My material life was perfect but love was missing, my husband had got me away from an abusive relationship and he adored me and was in truth a doormat, when i met me bf he made me feel alive, i didnt in a million years know you could smoke h and when he said the hardest drugs without injecting I stupidly thought he meant coke, if i had known what i was getting into i may have never got involved but then again the attraction to him was so strong maybe i wouldnt have cared.
Just talking about it honestly has helped, i have never done that before always choosing to protect him and us by pretending he was clean and never ever letting anyone know i had used with him.
He came home last night and stayed, he hasnt been using but was working instead, his boss verifies this so at least thats one good thing. It broke my heart but he left this morning and doesnt want us to live together for a while as he doesnt want things going back to what they were, I lvoe him for that but dont know how to get thru it when i dont have a single person to talk to.
He says he loves me and wants to be the man i deserve, taking me out, buying me presents staying clean etc and he feels that living together again will be too soon for that to happen. I totally get what hes saying and it gives me hope but hes got support, i havent adn he doesnt understand that
thanks gain for listening and the advice, will try to find a clinic or support group tomorrow after the bank holiday
x
Just talking about it honestly has helped, i have never done that before always choosing to protect him and us by pretending he was clean and never ever letting anyone know i had used with him.
He came home last night and stayed, he hasnt been using but was working instead, his boss verifies this so at least thats one good thing. It broke my heart but he left this morning and doesnt want us to live together for a while as he doesnt want things going back to what they were, I lvoe him for that but dont know how to get thru it when i dont have a single person to talk to.
He says he loves me and wants to be the man i deserve, taking me out, buying me presents staying clean etc and he feels that living together again will be too soon for that to happen. I totally get what hes saying and it gives me hope but hes got support, i havent adn he doesnt understand that
thanks gain for listening and the advice, will try to find a clinic or support group tomorrow after the bank holiday
x
hi cantcope...you can alwys always come here and talk...this place has saved my life so many times i cant even count them anymore...your not alone...i think its a good thing your maybe apart for while...will give u both the time to get clean and re-evaluate...finding a meeting or support group for yourself is a great thing to do...face 2 face with people who have been there is a huge help...glad to have you aboard...
con
con
To Constantine and cantcope,
In case you caught it I didn't mean any disrespect by calling cantcope, cantalope,as in the luscious fruit. A website I visit gives people "names" to use instead of letting you pick your own and I just wasn't paying attention when I was typing. Sorry.
granny2 3
In case you caught it I didn't mean any disrespect by calling cantcope, cantalope,as in the luscious fruit. A website I visit gives people "names" to use instead of letting you pick your own and I just wasn't paying attention when I was typing. Sorry.
granny2 3
Hey Constantine. I wrote this earlier to you but somehow missed getting it posted.Sounds like maybe you need a push in the right direction your own self. Is there a reason for the rush to get off methadone? Whatever your reason for being on it in the first place you went to your clinic for help,right? How long ago was that? You obviously wanted some sort of help,am I right?
Can I ask what is the dose you are on and does it hold you all day?
from Granny2 3
Can I ask what is the dose you are on and does it hold you all day?
from Granny2 3
CantCope, You were Blessed when you got Con online. She's deeply loved and cared for her and respected immensely.
Hi Gran first time meeting. Good advice as well.
CantCope, I thought the same things as Con did "For the love of all things good in this world here's more lives devastated". I am so sorry for all of your pain. You've been through so much in actually a short time.
This is only me. Only my opinion and what I have seen. They have a saying "Two dead batteries don't start a car". Hey, we love who we love. However all that love is gonna wind up dead or locked up or worse. You've already suffered when your ex took the kids. No doubt the kids have suffered immesnely. Still If this is the man for you and you for him you'll love enough to seperate while you work on you and him on him. It is soooooooooooooooooo rare for two addicts to get clean together. I know it's been done, but not a good track record.
That's a wonderful idea to get help. Seek it. Meantime he'll need to do his on his own.
In all honesty I feel ya in alot of ways. I was naive about street drugs. I met a recovering crack addict. The guy was clean for years thanks to the prison system. There was something lacking in me. Something so wrong with me that in all honesty I can't blame it on the guy, but he's the person who brought me my first bag of heroin. He was clean. I never smoked crack and he never did heroin UNTIL...................the fights. Then he went and did heroin and it was all my fault. You know how it goes. I made him because he wanted me to see how it looked. That's total BS. Bullllllllllllllllllllls**t. It's two people addicted to being a mess. Codependent messes. See if I hadn't become a heroin addict I wouldn't have stayed with him. He wanted to do crack again so he figured he'd do heroin and I'd go along with it and he could be back to his DOC. Which he went back to and that was the end of love, loathing and all things "US". Just "US". We'll never part. Well I may be crazy, but you want for seriously nuts? It was that guy on crack.
So I kind of see where you come from in a way.
As Con said again do for you. Love you first. When you do that only better will follow.
Oh and BTW the saying "You're only sick as your secrets"? That should alot for you. As long as it's US and we never tell...............well see where that went?
Please know I am not judging you. I do understand. Been there. You can get clean. You can be productive again and not worry about getting sick. Wishing you all good things and please let us know how you make out. Know I am thinking about you both. You did the right thing talking about it.
Hi Gran first time meeting. Good advice as well.
CantCope, I thought the same things as Con did "For the love of all things good in this world here's more lives devastated". I am so sorry for all of your pain. You've been through so much in actually a short time.
This is only me. Only my opinion and what I have seen. They have a saying "Two dead batteries don't start a car". Hey, we love who we love. However all that love is gonna wind up dead or locked up or worse. You've already suffered when your ex took the kids. No doubt the kids have suffered immesnely. Still If this is the man for you and you for him you'll love enough to seperate while you work on you and him on him. It is soooooooooooooooooo rare for two addicts to get clean together. I know it's been done, but not a good track record.
That's a wonderful idea to get help. Seek it. Meantime he'll need to do his on his own.
In all honesty I feel ya in alot of ways. I was naive about street drugs. I met a recovering crack addict. The guy was clean for years thanks to the prison system. There was something lacking in me. Something so wrong with me that in all honesty I can't blame it on the guy, but he's the person who brought me my first bag of heroin. He was clean. I never smoked crack and he never did heroin UNTIL...................the fights. Then he went and did heroin and it was all my fault. You know how it goes. I made him because he wanted me to see how it looked. That's total BS. Bullllllllllllllllllllls**t. It's two people addicted to being a mess. Codependent messes. See if I hadn't become a heroin addict I wouldn't have stayed with him. He wanted to do crack again so he figured he'd do heroin and I'd go along with it and he could be back to his DOC. Which he went back to and that was the end of love, loathing and all things "US". Just "US". We'll never part. Well I may be crazy, but you want for seriously nuts? It was that guy on crack.
So I kind of see where you come from in a way.
As Con said again do for you. Love you first. When you do that only better will follow.
Oh and BTW the saying "You're only sick as your secrets"? That should alot for you. As long as it's US and we never tell...............well see where that went?
Please know I am not judging you. I do understand. Been there. You can get clean. You can be productive again and not worry about getting sick. Wishing you all good things and please let us know how you make out. Know I am thinking about you both. You did the right thing talking about it.
CantCope- Check in and let us know how your doing....
Awwww, Brynn you always make me feel loved...thanks Lady....i kind of needed that today...
Granny -long story short: i went on methadone 3 or more years ago at a clinic with a good doc back home after pretty much a 5 year run...then we moved for job reasons - now at a new clinic, with a new doc and neither one supportive - million and one reasons i want off - im at .7ml and dropping one ml every week now...next drop in 2 days...not my original plan but the doc screwed it up and went on vacation - doesn't matter anymore - and no the dose holds me maybe 3 hours if that...very tired of being in withdrawal every morning and evening...ive stopped using on top but i wont lie...i have to work...doing as well as i can and will see if i can stay off both the meth and the dope once its over...not betting any money on it...fully aware i may go back on methadone...functioning addict and want to stay that way
PS: I kind of like cantelope...read it the same first glance...:)
con
Awwww, Brynn you always make me feel loved...thanks Lady....i kind of needed that today...
Granny -long story short: i went on methadone 3 or more years ago at a clinic with a good doc back home after pretty much a 5 year run...then we moved for job reasons - now at a new clinic, with a new doc and neither one supportive - million and one reasons i want off - im at .7ml and dropping one ml every week now...next drop in 2 days...not my original plan but the doc screwed it up and went on vacation - doesn't matter anymore - and no the dose holds me maybe 3 hours if that...very tired of being in withdrawal every morning and evening...ive stopped using on top but i wont lie...i have to work...doing as well as i can and will see if i can stay off both the meth and the dope once its over...not betting any money on it...fully aware i may go back on methadone...functioning addict and want to stay that way
PS: I kind of like cantelope...read it the same first glance...:)
con
Hey, Thanks for all being so supportive, I know there was lots i didnt want to hear but all of it needed to be said.
Im feeling much better today, managed eating etc even went out with the kids so slowly starting to get on with life.
Hes phoning me regularly and we text all day, its nice cos i dont feel alone but also i dont have to worry about what hes doing so much. As long as hes not using I know we have a future, the second he does i cant. Its stupid but i wouldnt even know how to do drugs on my own, he always did it, i just inhaled. It sounds horrible but i never wanted to do it myself, probably because i knew if i did then it was another step in addiction.
SO i dont know where to buy anything, how to use it and certainly wont waste money - that was always my biggest problem with him using - he had the money for drugs but never to buy things for our home, me or the kids etc i ended up feeling like i was the one keeping our home going while his money was his and for his use. Hardly fair when he has a brilliant job yet my income is purely child benefit and maintenance for kids.
Realise now that wasnt him being selfish because hes not, it was him being an addict, he told me he knows how he was but he always felt he had to have money in his pocket so he could score if he needed to, i dont get it cos hes got subbies but hes being honest and i cant argue with how he feels or how his mind works.
His addiction is totally different to mine, i can now admit i was addicted, his is mental and physical where mine was to him, being with him,feeling close to him and stupidly using was "ours" something we did that was just us. He used when he couldnt cope with his feelings i only ever used when he wanted to. I did like the feelings and hated him doing it alone. Horrible to finally admit it but there was a horrible urge that if he was having it and nothaving to worry about things then i was to. never really enjoyed h but loved c where as he was the other way round, yet if he was ever scoring it would be me telling him to get both when lots of times he only wanted h.
So i can finally see i am addicted, whatever the reason for starting i AM!! Im no better than him or anyone else, just found it a different way. I cant blame him like i used to, im adult and older, I know right from wrong and i had a choice. I made it but now im making the choice to be rid of it all adn for the first time in years i know i can be me again
God i write such long posts, sorry
Thanks again to all of u
xxx
Im feeling much better today, managed eating etc even went out with the kids so slowly starting to get on with life.
Hes phoning me regularly and we text all day, its nice cos i dont feel alone but also i dont have to worry about what hes doing so much. As long as hes not using I know we have a future, the second he does i cant. Its stupid but i wouldnt even know how to do drugs on my own, he always did it, i just inhaled. It sounds horrible but i never wanted to do it myself, probably because i knew if i did then it was another step in addiction.
SO i dont know where to buy anything, how to use it and certainly wont waste money - that was always my biggest problem with him using - he had the money for drugs but never to buy things for our home, me or the kids etc i ended up feeling like i was the one keeping our home going while his money was his and for his use. Hardly fair when he has a brilliant job yet my income is purely child benefit and maintenance for kids.
Realise now that wasnt him being selfish because hes not, it was him being an addict, he told me he knows how he was but he always felt he had to have money in his pocket so he could score if he needed to, i dont get it cos hes got subbies but hes being honest and i cant argue with how he feels or how his mind works.
His addiction is totally different to mine, i can now admit i was addicted, his is mental and physical where mine was to him, being with him,feeling close to him and stupidly using was "ours" something we did that was just us. He used when he couldnt cope with his feelings i only ever used when he wanted to. I did like the feelings and hated him doing it alone. Horrible to finally admit it but there was a horrible urge that if he was having it and nothaving to worry about things then i was to. never really enjoyed h but loved c where as he was the other way round, yet if he was ever scoring it would be me telling him to get both when lots of times he only wanted h.
So i can finally see i am addicted, whatever the reason for starting i AM!! Im no better than him or anyone else, just found it a different way. I cant blame him like i used to, im adult and older, I know right from wrong and i had a choice. I made it but now im making the choice to be rid of it all adn for the first time in years i know i can be me again
God i write such long posts, sorry
Thanks again to all of u
xxx
hey all,its another hot day here on the west coast. Constantine,why the radical drop each week? Can you not take it a little slower? We have been dealing with people in our step group that finally find a dose that holds them ,24 hrs,they are doing good in other ways and then all of a sudden they think ok it's time to drop,lets start with 5 mgs a week! Then a few more days go by and they want to drop again,not even allowing their system enough time to get used to the last drop,and within a few days they are back with the dr.raising their dose again.One young man in particular,drives me crazy at the same time I feel for him.All I can do is talk to him,listen to him and try to educate him a little more about how this methadone thing is supposed to work. My advice to him and 2 you(like you are new to this ha ha) is....get to a dose you are comfortable with,one that holds you for 24 hours.Once you are stable in all aspects of your life THEN start your detox at a smaller amount and a LONGER amount of time.Actually 2mg is good but every week is a bit too fast ,no?? But only you know yourself the best. If you are ready detox thats cool. Just remember to come back before you fall too hard. Our clinic manager actually calls patients who have missed a day or two just to check to see that they are alright. He said he is surprised how many people are EMBARRASSED to come back to say they need to get back in the program. Sad but true. Anyway, the best of luck to you. Since I'm new to this site are you aware of any posts here that have been strictly about detoxing or tapering and their experiences?
Hey cantcope how are you this fine day??
Thanks,Granny2 3
Hey cantcope how are you this fine day??
Thanks,Granny2 3
Granny, many many posts in the forum on tapering and methadone ...just have to sort through the old ones...I am aware of the drop situation...my clinic has srewed this up now 3 times....original plan was to drop a ml every two weeks...went in for the script and it was as it is now...drop a ml every week...doctor is on vacation, his back up also on vacation and the clinic head doctor said he cannot change it until the original doc who wrote it the way it is comes back..you would think he could call...but noooo....not done here....so i will be dropped now 1ml every week for the next wo weeks until the doc comes back...this clinic and its doctors and assitants are out of an old horror picture somewhere...you would not beleive it if you encountered it...there is nothing i can do right now but suffer thru it or use...i feel for the people who are IP there...it must be the most frightening experience in the world to be locked up with these people...scarey place...
You,re doing drugs with him, because you want to have something in common- -not really to teach him anything* *You,ve lied to your son about getting smacked from this guy**
If there ever was any love to begin with - believe me- it will disappear, and turn into a co-dependent relationship based on dope. Your son will suffer the most, and if he smacked you around once , he probably "loves" you enough to do it again .so think about a little suffering that you might not be counting on.
The deeper you get into a co-dependent drug based relationship ,the harder it will be to separate you and your kid from a very bad scene. Think about it> how could it possibly be worth it to do this to your kid and yourself??
Right now it sounds like he,s taken advantage of you, but soon enough you,ll also be looking for an opening to take advantage of him- - > Dope is funny like that- plays no favorites, whoever needs it more plays the game the hardest.
I know you didnt ask- -but take the kid ,get yourself some help, and look for love somewhere healthier
bestregards
jack
If there ever was any love to begin with - believe me- it will disappear, and turn into a co-dependent relationship based on dope. Your son will suffer the most, and if he smacked you around once , he probably "loves" you enough to do it again .so think about a little suffering that you might not be counting on.
The deeper you get into a co-dependent drug based relationship ,the harder it will be to separate you and your kid from a very bad scene. Think about it> how could it possibly be worth it to do this to your kid and yourself??
Right now it sounds like he,s taken advantage of you, but soon enough you,ll also be looking for an opening to take advantage of him- - > Dope is funny like that- plays no favorites, whoever needs it more plays the game the hardest.
I know you didnt ask- -but take the kid ,get yourself some help, and look for love somewhere healthier
bestregards
jack
morning ,or is it...evening where you are Constantine? I guess you are somewhere that has a slew of crappy clinics.whats the chance of changing clinics to find one you do like?Someone at your clinic should know what clinics have a good rep or a bad one,no? Or are you too far into the detox at this point? If you have to go to work that may be helpful at times as in keeping you busy and can be a curse because you don't feel well and want nothing more than to crawl into a hole. What do you and your other half do for a living if I might ask? I was in the veterinary field for 28 years. It was great in the beginning of my addiction,I had access to syringes,but as we had very few diabetic patients I used 22gauge needles!! Hardly ever missed tho. I know,not funny.Makes me shiver and shake my head when I think about it now.My other half was in the Forest Service which he absolutely adored,but a climbing accident ended that career for him. Then he went into printing early into his sobriety and stayed there. It has come in handy as we are trying to start a newsletter for our clinic with the first issue set to come out Oct 1st!! Anywho,sounds like you have a good drop schedule in place,so I wish you the best and good luck!
granny2 3
granny2 3
girl true love wouldnt let u fall into his addiction with him. whats going through your mind. clean yourself up. get your kids back and just pray that god can help him. when u truely love sumthing u let it go. no man wants a women on drugged up. he left . now smartin up and fix up. those kids should b your number one priority. as a mother my kids come 1st before there own father my husband. u can get cleaned up and ur life back , i have faith u can and will. lil by lil u can do this. if this relationship was ment to b god will bring him back to u and him cleaned as well. dont take life for granted anymore. love yourself 1st. take care of u. your worth it. like evefryone said let him ago. u can fight it as much as u want. but he left, his choice, maybe he had to just to get clean himself, sumtimes we say things and do another . but peopl change there minds and so can u. ill pray for u. everything happens for a reason. and when theres a will theres a way. go a head cry and mourn over him, thats fine and get it out ur system . then stomp ur feet and pick urself back up and tell ur self time to get goin with makin urself strong again. and just pray that he is ok. and make sure u get help.
Granny
Im also on my klinics advocacy group. Its good to see someone else trying to change the stigma, help the patients, care about the community, and hold the Klinic,S to feet to the fire when it comes to caring and responsibility. Too many Klinics treat the patients like lepers, and are more concerned with thier budget- and paychecks
withpeace&respect
jack
Im also on my klinics advocacy group. Its good to see someone else trying to change the stigma, help the patients, care about the community, and hold the Klinic,S to feet to the fire when it comes to caring and responsibility. Too many Klinics treat the patients like lepers, and are more concerned with thier budget- and paychecks
withpeace&respect
jack
Excellent post Jack to Cantcope.
CantCope you say you're glad because the texting doesn't make you fell so alone. You're not alone. You have your children. You mention then you know he is not using so that makes you feel better. Makes you feel there's a chance. Chica, we're addicts. Heroin addicts. Lord, if I had a buck for every single time I told one of my boyfriends I wasn't using I'd be a bajillionaire while in the meantime I was.
Where's he stay at? If his money was for dope is he now using that for an apartment? Juts wondering.
Honestly it doesn't sound dumb you don't know where to get the drugs. Oh dear CC. That was me for more than a year or so. I didn't pay a red cent. Didn't have to put myself out there. Was clueless where and how to cop. I really hope you never have to. I pray you don't. There's a power struggle in that set-up ya know? As long as he was buying it and copping it for me well when I wanted more ummmmmmmm what to do?
Hoping you are safe and please take care of your kids and yourself. Us addicts lie when we speak and lie when we text. I know that.
CantCope you say you're glad because the texting doesn't make you fell so alone. You're not alone. You have your children. You mention then you know he is not using so that makes you feel better. Makes you feel there's a chance. Chica, we're addicts. Heroin addicts. Lord, if I had a buck for every single time I told one of my boyfriends I wasn't using I'd be a bajillionaire while in the meantime I was.
Where's he stay at? If his money was for dope is he now using that for an apartment? Juts wondering.
Honestly it doesn't sound dumb you don't know where to get the drugs. Oh dear CC. That was me for more than a year or so. I didn't pay a red cent. Didn't have to put myself out there. Was clueless where and how to cop. I really hope you never have to. I pray you don't. There's a power struggle in that set-up ya know? As long as he was buying it and copping it for me well when I wanted more ummmmmmmm what to do?
Hoping you are safe and please take care of your kids and yourself. Us addicts lie when we speak and lie when we text. I know that.
Hi Cantcope! First of all never apologize for long posts. That what this is here for. Pour your heart out. I always do. All Ive ever gotten back is love and support. :) I actually took notes on your post so I could respond to everything. My brain is fried and I can never remember what I wanted to say. You keep splitting hairs about what kind of drug and how its being used, none of that matters. It does not matter if its crack or H or whether its smoked or injected. It wouldn't matter if it was just weed. They all steal your soul. Whatever the DOC is, it will destroy.
Ok, this is harder to hear. I was with my husband for 12 years. I was totally addicted to him too and we weren't together that whole time cause one or both of us was always locked up. In the beginning. He was my everything. I would have done anything to keep him and worried all the time about losing him. We would get sober often. He would get a job and everything would be great. I was happy just being his wife. He usually wouldn't even make it a few months. Then he just wouldn't come home. I of coarse would go find him and always wind up using myself. Or he would bring it home and tell me he was gonna do it in the bathroom. knowing I wouldn't be able to resist. Deep down inside he knew his paycheck wouldn't last but I could keep money coming all day and night. Eventually we would get locked up and it would start all over again. We would do good for awhile and then he would use and it was SO easy to blame him. Generally I would be the good lil wife while he was locked up cause I was so afraid to lose him. And somehow he considered tricking cheating if he was locked up but not if he was there to share the drugs "HMMMM" I'm not saying he was or is a bad person. He went through so much growing up. He is charming and sweet also very good looking. He knows me better than any one in this world. He was my best friend......He also hit me. I don't remember the first time.....but he did. I thought it was only when we were using. I thought "Well i'm not a hooker when I'm sober" I felt like I couldn't hold something over his head that he did while we were using. I didn't want to lose him. This last time he came home. He was sober 10 months. I had been home a whole year before he got here. So I had almost 2 years when we messed up. But ya know what? He hit me. He was sober and he hit me. They never stop. You've been in abusive relationships before don't think this one is different and I'm not saying hes evil or that he doesn't have a good kind heart. but don't think that its gonna stop. He hit you and you begged him to talk. It should have been him begging you. You have let him know that he can hit you when you are mad and then you'll be begging him. NOOOOO! Please don't let this happen. It wont stop. He hit me in front of my kids, dragged me by the hair in front of my dad...well I was trying to run to my dads room when he dragged me away and my dad (step dad) found me on the floor. Don't think that your mans different cause he never did it that bad. In the beginning mine wasn't that bad either and he would look at me later and see the bruises and cry...and I would comfort him. He is a great guy with terrible demons and trust me you never really have to worry about losing him. I always thought my husband would just move on to some one else if I left him, but now that I have finally put my foot down he begs and pleads to come home and it is so hard for me to remember our pattern. I know he will come home go back to his job, they love him. He will do good for awhile but we will start arguing, he will use, I will use....maybe someday one of us will kill the other. Hes been locked up for about 2 years. I know hes getting out soon. I'm waiting for him to show up on my door step. I'm ready. I know I can handle this....as long as I don't touch him...LOL No I'm just kidding. I will be strong because it was never his fault I used. It was me always believing things would be different that this time would make it and live happily ever after. Today, I put my sobriety and my kids first. I have a daughter. Do I want her to grow up and pick a man who hits her cause that's all she knows or do I want her to see that I was strong and did the right thing for all of us. You have to say No its not ok to get hit and don't say "Ahh, its just a one time thing" It never is. I have 2 boys too. Do I want them to think its ok to hit a girl? Cause that's what they see. You have to show them No its not normal and its not ok. You cant tell a child "If your man ever hits you, leave" cause they will say "you never did mom" I am doing good. I didn't think I could get past losing him, but honestly its empowered me. Once you get past the pain you can look at yourself and say "I am a strong woman, I didn't let myself stay in a bad situation" You are better than that. Give yourself time without a man in your life so you can see how strong you really are. You said that you went right from you husband to him and if I'm not mistaken you said your husband saved you from the last abusive relationship. YOU are not weak. YOU can save yourself. You dont need a man for that. Give yourself some time to figure out who you are. You might like yourself better than you think you will.
I hope I didnt offend or upset you in anyway. I dont want you to wait 12 years. It only gets harder.
Ok, this is harder to hear. I was with my husband for 12 years. I was totally addicted to him too and we weren't together that whole time cause one or both of us was always locked up. In the beginning. He was my everything. I would have done anything to keep him and worried all the time about losing him. We would get sober often. He would get a job and everything would be great. I was happy just being his wife. He usually wouldn't even make it a few months. Then he just wouldn't come home. I of coarse would go find him and always wind up using myself. Or he would bring it home and tell me he was gonna do it in the bathroom. knowing I wouldn't be able to resist. Deep down inside he knew his paycheck wouldn't last but I could keep money coming all day and night. Eventually we would get locked up and it would start all over again. We would do good for awhile and then he would use and it was SO easy to blame him. Generally I would be the good lil wife while he was locked up cause I was so afraid to lose him. And somehow he considered tricking cheating if he was locked up but not if he was there to share the drugs "HMMMM" I'm not saying he was or is a bad person. He went through so much growing up. He is charming and sweet also very good looking. He knows me better than any one in this world. He was my best friend......He also hit me. I don't remember the first time.....but he did. I thought it was only when we were using. I thought "Well i'm not a hooker when I'm sober" I felt like I couldn't hold something over his head that he did while we were using. I didn't want to lose him. This last time he came home. He was sober 10 months. I had been home a whole year before he got here. So I had almost 2 years when we messed up. But ya know what? He hit me. He was sober and he hit me. They never stop. You've been in abusive relationships before don't think this one is different and I'm not saying hes evil or that he doesn't have a good kind heart. but don't think that its gonna stop. He hit you and you begged him to talk. It should have been him begging you. You have let him know that he can hit you when you are mad and then you'll be begging him. NOOOOO! Please don't let this happen. It wont stop. He hit me in front of my kids, dragged me by the hair in front of my dad...well I was trying to run to my dads room when he dragged me away and my dad (step dad) found me on the floor. Don't think that your mans different cause he never did it that bad. In the beginning mine wasn't that bad either and he would look at me later and see the bruises and cry...and I would comfort him. He is a great guy with terrible demons and trust me you never really have to worry about losing him. I always thought my husband would just move on to some one else if I left him, but now that I have finally put my foot down he begs and pleads to come home and it is so hard for me to remember our pattern. I know he will come home go back to his job, they love him. He will do good for awhile but we will start arguing, he will use, I will use....maybe someday one of us will kill the other. Hes been locked up for about 2 years. I know hes getting out soon. I'm waiting for him to show up on my door step. I'm ready. I know I can handle this....as long as I don't touch him...LOL No I'm just kidding. I will be strong because it was never his fault I used. It was me always believing things would be different that this time would make it and live happily ever after. Today, I put my sobriety and my kids first. I have a daughter. Do I want her to grow up and pick a man who hits her cause that's all she knows or do I want her to see that I was strong and did the right thing for all of us. You have to say No its not ok to get hit and don't say "Ahh, its just a one time thing" It never is. I have 2 boys too. Do I want them to think its ok to hit a girl? Cause that's what they see. You have to show them No its not normal and its not ok. You cant tell a child "If your man ever hits you, leave" cause they will say "you never did mom" I am doing good. I didn't think I could get past losing him, but honestly its empowered me. Once you get past the pain you can look at yourself and say "I am a strong woman, I didn't let myself stay in a bad situation" You are better than that. Give yourself time without a man in your life so you can see how strong you really are. You said that you went right from you husband to him and if I'm not mistaken you said your husband saved you from the last abusive relationship. YOU are not weak. YOU can save yourself. You dont need a man for that. Give yourself some time to figure out who you are. You might like yourself better than you think you will.
I hope I didnt offend or upset you in anyway. I dont want you to wait 12 years. It only gets harder.
Thank you for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully. I know exactly what you are saying and you havent offended me in anyway, just made me see things a little clearer.
I know he has a perfect heart he just doesnt know how to be the person he really wants to be, its so much easier to use and be that nasty monster, he cries after and promises he wants me more than any drugs but at the moment he wont admit its a problem. he thinks that because hes only using maybe once a week instead of everyday like he used to that hes done well, he has in a way but i cant get it into his head that it doesnt matter how many times he uses hes still using.
I know what your saying about the violence, he used to really batter me when we first lived together, it got so bad i left with the kids one night and went straight to the police.
But i wasnt ready and went backto him only instead of it being him being sorry for hurting me it was me apologising for telling my family,friends and police what he was really like. Now he blames that on how bad things can be, he reckons its always gonna hurt him that i did that to him and he is scared of being truly with me and committing t me completely in case i ever did that again, he cant see i did that out of desperation, i was having a total breakdown and hated him for bringing drugs into my life.
All i ever wanted was to be his, for him to want me more than drugs and for us to have a nice life together - its slowly sinking in that its never gonna happen adn its making me hate him, i think hes weak but in spite of all the anger i DO love him and probably always will/
You were right though i have never been alone, i married at 16 and have always had someone, being by myself is so scary and being in a new town with no friends make me feel so low and lost, dont know where to start but i will do it, i didnt struggle my whole life to let it all fall apart because of one man that wasnt strong enough to choose me x
I know he has a perfect heart he just doesnt know how to be the person he really wants to be, its so much easier to use and be that nasty monster, he cries after and promises he wants me more than any drugs but at the moment he wont admit its a problem. he thinks that because hes only using maybe once a week instead of everyday like he used to that hes done well, he has in a way but i cant get it into his head that it doesnt matter how many times he uses hes still using.
I know what your saying about the violence, he used to really batter me when we first lived together, it got so bad i left with the kids one night and went straight to the police.
But i wasnt ready and went backto him only instead of it being him being sorry for hurting me it was me apologising for telling my family,friends and police what he was really like. Now he blames that on how bad things can be, he reckons its always gonna hurt him that i did that to him and he is scared of being truly with me and committing t me completely in case i ever did that again, he cant see i did that out of desperation, i was having a total breakdown and hated him for bringing drugs into my life.
All i ever wanted was to be his, for him to want me more than drugs and for us to have a nice life together - its slowly sinking in that its never gonna happen adn its making me hate him, i think hes weak but in spite of all the anger i DO love him and probably always will/
You were right though i have never been alone, i married at 16 and have always had someone, being by myself is so scary and being in a new town with no friends make me feel so low and lost, dont know where to start but i will do it, i didnt struggle my whole life to let it all fall apart because of one man that wasnt strong enough to choose me x
