Hi Everyone. Like so many of you, I'm in so much pain. I'm so confused. My now ex-boyfriend (it's been a day) is a recovering heroin addict. He has been "sober" and on Suboxone for nearly six months now. He relapsed and lied about it to me three times before this time. He seems to be doing well -- working out, going to school, etc.; though he is very moody and mean...far from the empathic, sensitive man I once knew. I was concerned that he started smoking weed, drinking a bit and got a prescription for Klonipin since starting this recovery process -- not my definition of sober, but...
I have struggled with being second to his recovery, but feel I have been pretty amazing and supportive about it overall. Occasionally, I would ask him if he could consider me a bit more...even just see each other a few minutes a week (he lives half a block away). He would get so angry and tell me he couldn't handle that pressure in recovery, especially while tapering off of Suboxone (he started at 24mg and is now down to 1.0mg). The more I cried, the more angry he got -- again, not the man I met. Well, he finally told me he wanted a break, which after a discussion, became more of a breakup. I was so sad and hurt and he seemed unaffected. He was ALWAYS begging me to make it work and now I feel blindsided...he is giving up so easily and says he can't worry about me while trying to get better. Sad as it is to admit, I don't even demand much from him, which is why I find it hard to reconcile his reasoning. We haven't had any form of physical intimacy in over a year and a half, we see each other on average for an hour or two every two weeks -- I accepted this little so he could get better and self-focus.
When we had our break-up talk, he admitted to me he had relapsed on heroin one month into recovery and also got drunk and did cocaine a few weeks ago. It made me so upset, because the only thing I asked from him when he begged me to give him another chance was to be honest with me about any relapses. I felt he told me now because it was over and he had nothing to lose. He swears that's it, but seemed uneasy when I asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell me. It is probably naive, but I believe him. I can't imagine he can function as highly as he does (training 25 hours a week for an MMA fight), going to school full-time and take Suboxone and be using heroin...is that possible? On the other hand, every time I suspected he was about to relapse or had relapsed, I was right...
I am so sad. I can't even function and feel like it just doesn't make sense. I know everyone is going to tell me not to try to understand it and to take care of myself. The thing is, how does someone go from fighting tooth and nail to save a relationship just a month ago to this? Also, when we run into each other on the street, he greets me like a boyfriend -- affectionately with kisses and hugs and won't "let" me just say "hi" and leave. He tells me he loves me and would rather us not see other people for now, but also knows that isn't fair to expect from me. He just keeps saying he can't worry about me while he is trying to get better. I don't understand why it's so black and white.
I guess I just need support right now -- how do I function again? I've never had a breakup affect me like this..I always ended it and was relieved at the end. Also, hearing stories from people who have been in my shoes as well as the viewpoints of recovering addicts is always helpful.
Thank you all for listening.
Hiii,
I felt your pain as I read your post and I want you to know that you are not alone. I appreciate your honesty for not wanting people to tell you to take care of you, but isn't that what he is doing? He's putting you on the back burner while he is on a "run" with his addiction. I had no idea what klonopin was until after my boyfriend relapsed the second time. He came home from detox and it was still in his drawer. Apparently he thought I would have for sure thrown it out. I could tell you to leave him until I was blue in the face, well in this case fingers? While he's actively using he is numb and doesn't care about anything. I mean, that is what I'm assuming as to why he doesn't want to make things work. He figures you will always be there. He clearly doesn't care if you're together or not. You have to shut him out of your life. Then maybe he will realize you are serious and won't give into his games he plays. If I can help in any other way, let me know.
I felt your pain as I read your post and I want you to know that you are not alone. I appreciate your honesty for not wanting people to tell you to take care of you, but isn't that what he is doing? He's putting you on the back burner while he is on a "run" with his addiction. I had no idea what klonopin was until after my boyfriend relapsed the second time. He came home from detox and it was still in his drawer. Apparently he thought I would have for sure thrown it out. I could tell you to leave him until I was blue in the face, well in this case fingers? While he's actively using he is numb and doesn't care about anything. I mean, that is what I'm assuming as to why he doesn't want to make things work. He figures you will always be there. He clearly doesn't care if you're together or not. You have to shut him out of your life. Then maybe he will realize you are serious and won't give into his games he plays. If I can help in any other way, let me know.
You have to focus on yourself. When someone is doing what they are suppose to be doing they aren't lying, or needing time alone. If you want to keep yourself together you have to try not to have anything or anyone negative messing with your head. Stay strong. And remember that your feelings do matter and if anyone treats you like they don't, you need to take a step back and assess, (I think I spelled that right), the situation. Good Luck ;)
JustKeepSwimming -- thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. To hear from someone like you is so helpful and validating. I am sorry you've been through a similar experience. I know I have to return the focus to myself. I just can't (or rather am choosing not to) in this moment...it's been fewer than 24 hours since we ended things. It's strange because I intellectually know that he isn't practicing true recovery/sobriety, but somehow, despite the fact that he has lied and continues to lie, I believe him when he says he hasn't relapsed on heroin since being on Suboxone (except for the first month). Is that foolish?
I sometimes worry that I need to blame addiction/relapse, because I don't want it to be merely because he is over me. What if it is just that? And what if it is really true that he wants to focus on his recovery and any relationship is in conflict of that -- that is not unheard of? Then again, even though he did complete a three month outpatient program at the VA, he isn't in a 12-step program (doesn't believe in them), has NEVER practiced complete abstinence (doesn't believe in it)...in fact, he has begun using substances that he never even liked before his addiction. He says crazy stuff like he doesn't like weed, but he needs it to sleep. And that he doesn't like cocaine but he did it just that once to counter his drunkenness. No one does drugs unless it makes them feel good on some level. I know I'm making myself crazy trying to understand...it just hurts because I don't feel like I am getting the whole story. It would have been easier if he just said, "I choose drugs or the potential to use again over you." I just need to hear if these behaviors sound familiar to others...
I sometimes worry that I need to blame addiction/relapse, because I don't want it to be merely because he is over me. What if it is just that? And what if it is really true that he wants to focus on his recovery and any relationship is in conflict of that -- that is not unheard of? Then again, even though he did complete a three month outpatient program at the VA, he isn't in a 12-step program (doesn't believe in them), has NEVER practiced complete abstinence (doesn't believe in it)...in fact, he has begun using substances that he never even liked before his addiction. He says crazy stuff like he doesn't like weed, but he needs it to sleep. And that he doesn't like cocaine but he did it just that once to counter his drunkenness. No one does drugs unless it makes them feel good on some level. I know I'm making myself crazy trying to understand...it just hurts because I don't feel like I am getting the whole story. It would have been easier if he just said, "I choose drugs or the potential to use again over you." I just need to hear if these behaviors sound familiar to others...
Bella6 -- thank you for your reply as well. You are so right. I know I need to take care of myself. I just hurt right now. Like so many, I never saw myself here. I have never even had a drink or smoked a cigarette and now I know more than I ever wanted to about every drug. Can I ask you something? Why do you say that when someone is doing what they're supposed to be doing that they don't need time alone? I'd love to hear more about what you mean by that. On one hand, I've heard people say that relationships can be in conflict with recovery (but I think they usually mean forming NEW relationships early on or relationships/friendships with other users)...on the other hand, I am a stable, solid, clean living person and so I would think I'd be the kind of person he should allow in his life during recovery. Also, we had been together for three years and we are both in our mid/late thirties and were talking long-term...we aren't a couple of young, inexperienced kids...it was a serious relationship. Just a few nights ago, he said in a perfect world, he'd want us to be married with some kids living in a house in the country. I feel blindsided.
I believe God puts us in these situations to strengthen us, to lead us to fully depend on Him. Do you believe in God? If not, that's okay I'm not here to judge you at all. I just know that having a relationship with God through Jesus and praying for myself and my boyfriend has helped us through so much.
It is very naive of you to believe him when he says he hasn't relapsed on heroin (except the first month.) Does he count that first month in his sobriety date? He might be feeling shame towards that. I know it was so hard for my boyfriend when he relapsed he had almost a year and a half clean and they continue using because it's like why start all over again? You're so fresh in this separation that it's very understandable for you to be thinking of him and not yourself.
Well, what if it is that he is just over you? What would you do if he was cheating on you with another woman and not heroin? Blame the drug! I challenge you to think about what you would do if he had cheated or just broke up with you and he wasn't an addict.
Maybe he does want to focus on his recovery, but do you honestly believe that? So, he doesn't attend meetings? That's a problem. The programs only work if you work them! he NEEDS it. That is addict mentality. Same with the cocaine to counter his drunkenness, it's all addict mentality. Simply making excuses to make their needs look like no big deal.
He's in denial.
It is very naive of you to believe him when he says he hasn't relapsed on heroin (except the first month.) Does he count that first month in his sobriety date? He might be feeling shame towards that. I know it was so hard for my boyfriend when he relapsed he had almost a year and a half clean and they continue using because it's like why start all over again? You're so fresh in this separation that it's very understandable for you to be thinking of him and not yourself.
Well, what if it is that he is just over you? What would you do if he was cheating on you with another woman and not heroin? Blame the drug! I challenge you to think about what you would do if he had cheated or just broke up with you and he wasn't an addict.
Maybe he does want to focus on his recovery, but do you honestly believe that? So, he doesn't attend meetings? That's a problem. The programs only work if you work them! he NEEDS it. That is addict mentality. Same with the cocaine to counter his drunkenness, it's all addict mentality. Simply making excuses to make their needs look like no big deal.
He's in denial.
I I feel your pain because I have a similar situation. I used to blame the pills and the addiction for our problems. It turns out that is not the real reason. I was dumb enough to think that because she is no longer taking pills and doing the things she did like lying and deceiving me it will all go away That is not the case. She continues to lie and deceive me about other things and doing things behind my back. She has cheated on me when we were apart for a few weeks for her to get herself together. She does not consider it cheating. She made me believe that we could be together and be a family with our baby daughter that she lost custody at birth. I would be willing to work through everything if she will admit to her lies anftd cut off her ties to the guy who is an ex boyfriend she cheated on me. that alone is very hard to get over and she does not see the pain and devastation that she has caused to me. She is still so selfish like dshe was when she was an active addict. I have given her so many chances isn't willing to do whatever it takes but I do not deserve to be lied to and deceived everyday, nobody does. I know she will never contribute to the household because she is smart but very incapable of following through with things because she is also very lazy. I keep hanging on to a dream because I want to do the right thing for my daughter. I am 50 years old but she is only 26. WE can be very good together but me knowing and being able to prove she lies to me stop our relationship some growing to what it could be. I can understand is she does not want to be with me because of her moving on in her life but she could not tell me this and I will not let her use me anymore because I have given her everything possible to have a comfortable life but now she has lost everything because of what she has done. After today I realize it is all a bunch of empty promises.DO I try to make things work which would only be her to be honest with me but I believe she is incapable. Itcis very painful to let go because I love her but it is just as painful to live not knowing what she is doing behind my back.Being suspicious everyday is not a way to live wondering what is going to happen next.I just want her to call me and admit to what I know and tell me not to waste anymore of my time on this let me start to get over her and be a better person for my daughter and myself. I want to support her while she is on suboxin and help her or give her the tools to succeed in life. I now feel like we never really had a loving relationship and she does not know the meaning of love commitment and dedication and obviously not being faithful.Nar anon has helped me understand her but she is not willing to try she would rather lie and deceive me I guess will let me love her. I realize I need to let go. But you know it's very hard when I made the decision when she was 2 months pregnant to be the best man I could be and provide everything for her and my daughter.Having a nice house to live in and being able to drive a nice car does not seem to be enough. I cannot understand why she cannot admit her lies and why she continues to do it and sacrifice this relationship that she claims she wants.I am so heartbroken again no I need to move on but I am afraid and really wanted to be a family but I will now concentrate on being a good dad any better person because that I can control.not be unhappy everyday because of worrying what she has done behind my back. I want this to work so bad but I am responsible for my happiness I do not know how to stop trying. I'm the codependent person that I need to figure out to be a better person but I'm hanging on to this now ,an illusion of a life of happiness wits her. if she would just tell me this is not what she wants I would have my closure. she does not care enough about me to even give me that.I'm sorry I rambled on its been a bad couple of days I do not know what to do.well that's not true I know what to do but I do not want to do it yet
JustKeepSwimming -- thanks again. I was raised in a religious household and, while I do belive in God, I've never really focused or honed in on my beliefs in a real way on my own. I do know that spirituality often is key in helping people I know to get through difficult times.
I know I am being naive and like I said, each time I suspected he was using, I was right. It is just hard for me to understand how he can function so highly for the past six months and be taking Suboxone, if he is using regularly again. And, though he's done it time and time again, I just can't believe he could lie again. If he admitted to the one relapse and the cocaine, why not just tell me everything? He knows I am always forgiving and non-judgmental.
And, again, your words are hard to hear, but spot on. It doesn't matter why he broke up with me. If he's over me, he's over me. It's just confusing when he continues to treat me with affection and reach out to me from time to time.
He is in denial. He loves to boast about how resilient he is and how he's gone from doing 2 1/2 bundles of heroin a day to training hours a week for a semi-pro MMA fight in June and going to school full-time. He describes himself as being six months clean, despite the relapse, the cocaine, the weed, the Klonopin, the alcohol, the muscle relaxers... He always says, "I beat heroin!" It's good to be confident, but he seems to be a bit delusional since it's only been months and he is still using so many drugs. I never thought of how insane this all sounds until you mentioned it.
I don't know. I just want him to be honest with me. That's all I ever wanted since this all unfolded. Why do they lie? I get it the first or second time, but when they see their partner is understanding and won't abandon them, why do they still do it with each relapse?
You mention your still being with your recovering boyfriend. Were there breaks and breakups like mine before he was able to be honest with himself and you? I'd be curious to hear more about your experience, if you're willing to share.
BeingMe, thank you for openly sharing your difficult story. I am sorry for your pain. I wish I knew what to say or advise, but I am in the same boat as you. Thank goodness for these forums and those support groups out there. I wish you the best.
I know I am being naive and like I said, each time I suspected he was using, I was right. It is just hard for me to understand how he can function so highly for the past six months and be taking Suboxone, if he is using regularly again. And, though he's done it time and time again, I just can't believe he could lie again. If he admitted to the one relapse and the cocaine, why not just tell me everything? He knows I am always forgiving and non-judgmental.
And, again, your words are hard to hear, but spot on. It doesn't matter why he broke up with me. If he's over me, he's over me. It's just confusing when he continues to treat me with affection and reach out to me from time to time.
He is in denial. He loves to boast about how resilient he is and how he's gone from doing 2 1/2 bundles of heroin a day to training hours a week for a semi-pro MMA fight in June and going to school full-time. He describes himself as being six months clean, despite the relapse, the cocaine, the weed, the Klonopin, the alcohol, the muscle relaxers... He always says, "I beat heroin!" It's good to be confident, but he seems to be a bit delusional since it's only been months and he is still using so many drugs. I never thought of how insane this all sounds until you mentioned it.
I don't know. I just want him to be honest with me. That's all I ever wanted since this all unfolded. Why do they lie? I get it the first or second time, but when they see their partner is understanding and won't abandon them, why do they still do it with each relapse?
You mention your still being with your recovering boyfriend. Were there breaks and breakups like mine before he was able to be honest with himself and you? I'd be curious to hear more about your experience, if you're willing to share.
BeingMe, thank you for openly sharing your difficult story. I am sorry for your pain. I wish I knew what to say or advise, but I am in the same boat as you. Thank goodness for these forums and those support groups out there. I wish you the best.
Sobrenyc, ur story is like mine!! Exactly the same. I'm lost for words and so hurt also. I can't eat or sleep and it's taking a toll on me what an awful pain :/
Sorry for my late response. I'm glad to share my story with you, but first I will respond to you.
I'm not pushing my religion on you in anyway, I grew up in a religious household and struggled with my religion and relationship. I didn't know what it all meant to take it in my hands. I thought I was doing good just showing up on an Easter Sunday every other year. It's so much more than that. If it weren't for my relationship with God I wouldn't have had the strength to confront my boyfriend, intervention him, give him ultimatums, drug test him, or even be in a relationship with an addict. The glory goes to God and his blessings fall down on me. The best part is all you have to do is surrender and say I give it up to you God, I can't do it on my own. Praying is just talking to God. OK sorry for all that! lol
He can function because he is an addict, a functioning addict. He is lying because he is an addict. It's addict mentality. It's not that he doesn't believe you're forgiving and non-judgemental it's that he feels ashamed to admit it. He doesn't want to say it because then it will be a real thing. In his head he messes up and just continues to get high to mask it. But with you in the picture he has to admit it and get help again and what's the point when he could just be getting high all the time.
I'm terribly sorry that my words are hard to hear, but sometimes I believe that's when you need to hear them.
Honesty, it's what we all want. They continue to lie because of the addict mentality. Sure, you can quit a drug, but you need to re establish your behavior. If an addict goes back to the same home environment after treatment, they will just bounce back to using. What kind of treatments has he been in? Just detox or actual 30,60,90,1 year programs. They're scared to let us down so they lie. They're scared to let themselves down. They think they can just have a little bit and stop, but they can't.
I will share my story in a separate post!
I'm not pushing my religion on you in anyway, I grew up in a religious household and struggled with my religion and relationship. I didn't know what it all meant to take it in my hands. I thought I was doing good just showing up on an Easter Sunday every other year. It's so much more than that. If it weren't for my relationship with God I wouldn't have had the strength to confront my boyfriend, intervention him, give him ultimatums, drug test him, or even be in a relationship with an addict. The glory goes to God and his blessings fall down on me. The best part is all you have to do is surrender and say I give it up to you God, I can't do it on my own. Praying is just talking to God. OK sorry for all that! lol
He can function because he is an addict, a functioning addict. He is lying because he is an addict. It's addict mentality. It's not that he doesn't believe you're forgiving and non-judgemental it's that he feels ashamed to admit it. He doesn't want to say it because then it will be a real thing. In his head he messes up and just continues to get high to mask it. But with you in the picture he has to admit it and get help again and what's the point when he could just be getting high all the time.
I'm terribly sorry that my words are hard to hear, but sometimes I believe that's when you need to hear them.
Honesty, it's what we all want. They continue to lie because of the addict mentality. Sure, you can quit a drug, but you need to re establish your behavior. If an addict goes back to the same home environment after treatment, they will just bounce back to using. What kind of treatments has he been in? Just detox or actual 30,60,90,1 year programs. They're scared to let us down so they lie. They're scared to let themselves down. They think they can just have a little bit and stop, but they can't.
I will share my story in a separate post!
I'll skip all the cute details of us meeting and the beginning of our relationship, but I met him when he was still in rehab. Mind you, not his first rehab and not his last either.
We started dating while he was still in rehab. I didn't initially know that his drug of choice was heroin, but when I found out that didn't change my view of him. I was so attracted by his first and foremost love for God. I knew in my heart that because of our relationship with God He would help us overcome all things. Once he was out of his program I moved closer to where he was living. When I think back now, what was I thinking moving my entire life for someone I barely know with a dangerous addiction?? but I wouldn't change a thing. I ended up moving in with him and his family. He didn't have a car yet so when he got his license back we shared mine until he got his. Unfortunately, he was working crazy hours (nightshift.)
If you ask me, I say it all started with working crazy hours. But as I was typing that my mind took me back to 4th of July. He had a terrible toothache. Finally, we went in to the ER after watching fireworks. They gave him pain pills. First mistake. He took them. Second Mistake. I didn't monitor it. Third Mistake. BUT I do not blame myself because he is a grown adult that makes his own choices.
With the crazy hours, of course he was on sleeping pills. Let's add some more fuel to the fire. Eventually he was on the "lowest" dose of benzo's you can take for anxiety. The dose continued to rise, but slowly. This was all over a course of about four months.
I go home for Thanksgiving to be with my family. I feel almost relieved to be away. I get back and he's sick, not just a cold and not just the flu. He is throwing up for 24 hours, delusional. Finally his sister tells me, look, I don't know what he's telling you but he is not just sick. This is what happened last time he relapsed. I went to bed that night, and left the next morning just to get away. I was mad and I needed to vent. At the end of the day he text me and eventually spills that he messed up and had been abusing his prescriptions, but I said is that all? Will you take a drug test? And that's when he admitted to doing heroin once.
He was really upset, because he was so close to 2 years clean. He had worked so hard to get there for one bad mistake to ruin it. Mind you, this is the first time I've dealt with an addict boyfriend. I told him, I'm glad you were honest with me. After talking with quite a few people that I trust very much and that know both of us well I recommended an IOP(Intensive Outpatient Program). He wasn't all about it at first, but agreed to think about it. He works at a detox and they were understanding after he was honest and gave him 30 days off.
As great as I thought those 30 days would be for him to work on him, it was the worst thing for him. I don't know how it started, I don't know how it got so bad. I was naive and I was blinded with the love eyes. I didn't want to believe he would be using my money for drugs and not gas. I didn't want to believe he was lying to me and going to pick up and use not out with cool new friends playing soccer like he said or at a meeting with his sponsor. He started to slip up with his lies, they didn't add up. He was so deep in it he would come home high as a kite and I would look at him and just say I wish you could read my mind. I was scared because I thought well, what if he really isn't high? what if I'm making a fool out of myself? Finally, other people started saying something. They stepped up and said, we need to do an intervention. It was amongst people we love and trust. Unfortunately none of his family was in it. Just one member of my family and our closest friends that we consider family.
He had just gotten a new job. We met that night at celebrate recovery at a local church. It was our home church. He had no idea, but my stomach is turning just writing this and remembering the way I felt. We all sat down, and our friend shared some words. My boyfriend said he had been using last week. I finally cut in and said, I love you, we all love you, that's why we're here, but it's more than just a few times, just once last week, it's a lot more. I don't think you realize how strong this is, but you can't stop on your own. You already tried that and look where it's gotten you. I think you need to get the help you need and deserve. They asked about his living situation and he said he was living with family. I told him I was moving out and that's what cut deep. I said, it's best for me and it's best for you. If you want to continue to lead yourself down this path, I will not be going with you. If you want to be with me you can not live with your parents (they are his biggest enablers.) I let him know I would be in his life as long as he was working towards being sober, but he needed a program. And if that wasn't what he wanted I wasn't scared to walk away.
I drove him to detox that night. He told me that he loved me and he thanked me. He said he had been praying for God to throw something at him for help. God responded with 5 people that love him dearly and an intervention.
He was in detox for about 10 days, then he went to sober living. I told him he was not allowed to come back to his parents house. As weird as that is, there I was living with his family telling him he could not come back to his own house, but he listened. He was in a sober living and an affiliated rehab program. They went to groups every day, tested 3 times a week. He got his job back once he was 30 days sober. I accepted him back into his parents house. Was that a mistake? Who knows, we got our own place less than a month after that. I drug test him sporadically. Am I paranoid? Yes, at times. Does him using ever cross my mind? Absolutely. I signed a 12 month lease with someone that is 90 days sober. Is that insane? Yes. Is God great? Does that question need to be answered? No. lol Our God is greater than my worries and at the end of the day I know we will be okay.
Some people might say that's delusional or wishful thinking and I respect your point of view. I guess the moral of the story is everybody's story is different.
We started dating while he was still in rehab. I didn't initially know that his drug of choice was heroin, but when I found out that didn't change my view of him. I was so attracted by his first and foremost love for God. I knew in my heart that because of our relationship with God He would help us overcome all things. Once he was out of his program I moved closer to where he was living. When I think back now, what was I thinking moving my entire life for someone I barely know with a dangerous addiction?? but I wouldn't change a thing. I ended up moving in with him and his family. He didn't have a car yet so when he got his license back we shared mine until he got his. Unfortunately, he was working crazy hours (nightshift.)
If you ask me, I say it all started with working crazy hours. But as I was typing that my mind took me back to 4th of July. He had a terrible toothache. Finally, we went in to the ER after watching fireworks. They gave him pain pills. First mistake. He took them. Second Mistake. I didn't monitor it. Third Mistake. BUT I do not blame myself because he is a grown adult that makes his own choices.
With the crazy hours, of course he was on sleeping pills. Let's add some more fuel to the fire. Eventually he was on the "lowest" dose of benzo's you can take for anxiety. The dose continued to rise, but slowly. This was all over a course of about four months.
I go home for Thanksgiving to be with my family. I feel almost relieved to be away. I get back and he's sick, not just a cold and not just the flu. He is throwing up for 24 hours, delusional. Finally his sister tells me, look, I don't know what he's telling you but he is not just sick. This is what happened last time he relapsed. I went to bed that night, and left the next morning just to get away. I was mad and I needed to vent. At the end of the day he text me and eventually spills that he messed up and had been abusing his prescriptions, but I said is that all? Will you take a drug test? And that's when he admitted to doing heroin once.
He was really upset, because he was so close to 2 years clean. He had worked so hard to get there for one bad mistake to ruin it. Mind you, this is the first time I've dealt with an addict boyfriend. I told him, I'm glad you were honest with me. After talking with quite a few people that I trust very much and that know both of us well I recommended an IOP(Intensive Outpatient Program). He wasn't all about it at first, but agreed to think about it. He works at a detox and they were understanding after he was honest and gave him 30 days off.
As great as I thought those 30 days would be for him to work on him, it was the worst thing for him. I don't know how it started, I don't know how it got so bad. I was naive and I was blinded with the love eyes. I didn't want to believe he would be using my money for drugs and not gas. I didn't want to believe he was lying to me and going to pick up and use not out with cool new friends playing soccer like he said or at a meeting with his sponsor. He started to slip up with his lies, they didn't add up. He was so deep in it he would come home high as a kite and I would look at him and just say I wish you could read my mind. I was scared because I thought well, what if he really isn't high? what if I'm making a fool out of myself? Finally, other people started saying something. They stepped up and said, we need to do an intervention. It was amongst people we love and trust. Unfortunately none of his family was in it. Just one member of my family and our closest friends that we consider family.
He had just gotten a new job. We met that night at celebrate recovery at a local church. It was our home church. He had no idea, but my stomach is turning just writing this and remembering the way I felt. We all sat down, and our friend shared some words. My boyfriend said he had been using last week. I finally cut in and said, I love you, we all love you, that's why we're here, but it's more than just a few times, just once last week, it's a lot more. I don't think you realize how strong this is, but you can't stop on your own. You already tried that and look where it's gotten you. I think you need to get the help you need and deserve. They asked about his living situation and he said he was living with family. I told him I was moving out and that's what cut deep. I said, it's best for me and it's best for you. If you want to continue to lead yourself down this path, I will not be going with you. If you want to be with me you can not live with your parents (they are his biggest enablers.) I let him know I would be in his life as long as he was working towards being sober, but he needed a program. And if that wasn't what he wanted I wasn't scared to walk away.
I drove him to detox that night. He told me that he loved me and he thanked me. He said he had been praying for God to throw something at him for help. God responded with 5 people that love him dearly and an intervention.
He was in detox for about 10 days, then he went to sober living. I told him he was not allowed to come back to his parents house. As weird as that is, there I was living with his family telling him he could not come back to his own house, but he listened. He was in a sober living and an affiliated rehab program. They went to groups every day, tested 3 times a week. He got his job back once he was 30 days sober. I accepted him back into his parents house. Was that a mistake? Who knows, we got our own place less than a month after that. I drug test him sporadically. Am I paranoid? Yes, at times. Does him using ever cross my mind? Absolutely. I signed a 12 month lease with someone that is 90 days sober. Is that insane? Yes. Is God great? Does that question need to be answered? No. lol Our God is greater than my worries and at the end of the day I know we will be okay.
Some people might say that's delusional or wishful thinking and I respect your point of view. I guess the moral of the story is everybody's story is different.
JustKeepSwimming -- thanks for writing again. Your words are so helpful while I try to navigate this...more than you can imagine.
I did not think you were pushing religion on me at all! I know you were just speaking honestly about what has worked for you and I am open to hearing all of the things that have helped people through any difficult time.
Thanks for sharing your story. It is similar to mine in many ways -- started with the benzos, stories about the flu, etc. You are so strong, so smart. You seem to have managed supporting your addict boyfriend in a healthy way, which I think is a very hard thing to do. I am impressed with you and your perspective.
Since our breakup, I have attended a Nar-Anon meeting, which was helpful already. I also have refrained from reaching out to my ex-boyfriend which has been so hard, especially because we said we would remain friends (I have always remained friends with my ex-boyfriends). About three days after our break-up, he sent me a couple of brief texts about some funny things that happened to him at his boxing gym. I was happy, because I thought he'd forget about me. I did NOT write back. I want to be in a better place with how I plan to handle my interactions with him before reaching out.
That being said, after almost two years of dealing with his addiction, I told my best friend and three of my siblings about it. I couldn't keep it in any longer. I have an amazing, supportive family and it felt so good to let it all out. The thing is, people are telling me I should tell his family. Yes, his family does NOT know any of this. My ex-boyfriend is in a situation where I think he will never truly hit rock bottom. He is a disabled Veteran and he gets so much money from the VA (including a housing stipend) that he has never had to steal or hustle to get his drugs...not to mention, before he jumped to heroin, the VA would prescribe he anything he wanted. Also, his family isn't super wealthy, but they are financially secure and he gets monetary gifts for holidays ($10,000-$20,000) from grandparents, uncles, etc. that also can support his lifestyle. He also will inherit enough money where he won't have to worry too much about anything. He does not work other than occasionally personally training people and so he will never lose a job over his addiction. His family only sees him when they come to town, which is once a month. He looks healthy and I realized after the fact that he would often miss dinner with his family due to sickness -- he would say it was from a stomach bacteria he got in Iraq and we all believed him. He did contract a bacteria there, but I realize now that it wasn't why he was always sick. He essentially can use his injuries and illnesses from Iraq to not show up and his family, naturally, believes him.
So, they don't know and I probably should have told them after the second relapse, but I didn't -- I protected him and his secret and believed he'd get better. Now, I am trying to move forward and I know that he and his addiction are not my responsibility; however, friends and family tell me the moral thing to do is to tell his family because they are unknowingly supporting his habit and that any parent would and should know. I agree, but I don't know if I "can" or should. I feel torn. I also know that he is still making bad, addict choices, but I can't be sure he has relapsed (maybe he has just slipped) and I don't want to undermine his recovery by telling. Maybe that doesn't matter and his family has a right to know about his addiction, past or present. On the other hand, I worry that without his family (they are loving and supportive) knowing, he will go through life without never being held accountable by anyone because I am the only one in his life who holds him accountable on some level and now I am not in his life. Without his family, he has no truly supportive people in his life -- his "friends" are not what I would consider true friends...drinking with him, sharing cocaine...all while knowing he is supposed to be in recovery.
JustKeepSwimming and others -- can you weigh in on this?
By the way, JustKeepSwimming, he was in a 90-day outpatient program at the VA. I was NOT impressed with it or rather what he took away from it. He did not seem to have any deep introspection or realizations from it -- it seemed like a place to go hang out since he doesn't work and has so much time on his hands. He never dealt with the deep emotional issues and trauma that likely led to his addiction. He needs a serious, in-patient program and I have no doubt his parents would get him in one and could help finance it.
I did not think you were pushing religion on me at all! I know you were just speaking honestly about what has worked for you and I am open to hearing all of the things that have helped people through any difficult time.
Thanks for sharing your story. It is similar to mine in many ways -- started with the benzos, stories about the flu, etc. You are so strong, so smart. You seem to have managed supporting your addict boyfriend in a healthy way, which I think is a very hard thing to do. I am impressed with you and your perspective.
Since our breakup, I have attended a Nar-Anon meeting, which was helpful already. I also have refrained from reaching out to my ex-boyfriend which has been so hard, especially because we said we would remain friends (I have always remained friends with my ex-boyfriends). About three days after our break-up, he sent me a couple of brief texts about some funny things that happened to him at his boxing gym. I was happy, because I thought he'd forget about me. I did NOT write back. I want to be in a better place with how I plan to handle my interactions with him before reaching out.
That being said, after almost two years of dealing with his addiction, I told my best friend and three of my siblings about it. I couldn't keep it in any longer. I have an amazing, supportive family and it felt so good to let it all out. The thing is, people are telling me I should tell his family. Yes, his family does NOT know any of this. My ex-boyfriend is in a situation where I think he will never truly hit rock bottom. He is a disabled Veteran and he gets so much money from the VA (including a housing stipend) that he has never had to steal or hustle to get his drugs...not to mention, before he jumped to heroin, the VA would prescribe he anything he wanted. Also, his family isn't super wealthy, but they are financially secure and he gets monetary gifts for holidays ($10,000-$20,000) from grandparents, uncles, etc. that also can support his lifestyle. He also will inherit enough money where he won't have to worry too much about anything. He does not work other than occasionally personally training people and so he will never lose a job over his addiction. His family only sees him when they come to town, which is once a month. He looks healthy and I realized after the fact that he would often miss dinner with his family due to sickness -- he would say it was from a stomach bacteria he got in Iraq and we all believed him. He did contract a bacteria there, but I realize now that it wasn't why he was always sick. He essentially can use his injuries and illnesses from Iraq to not show up and his family, naturally, believes him.
So, they don't know and I probably should have told them after the second relapse, but I didn't -- I protected him and his secret and believed he'd get better. Now, I am trying to move forward and I know that he and his addiction are not my responsibility; however, friends and family tell me the moral thing to do is to tell his family because they are unknowingly supporting his habit and that any parent would and should know. I agree, but I don't know if I "can" or should. I feel torn. I also know that he is still making bad, addict choices, but I can't be sure he has relapsed (maybe he has just slipped) and I don't want to undermine his recovery by telling. Maybe that doesn't matter and his family has a right to know about his addiction, past or present. On the other hand, I worry that without his family (they are loving and supportive) knowing, he will go through life without never being held accountable by anyone because I am the only one in his life who holds him accountable on some level and now I am not in his life. Without his family, he has no truly supportive people in his life -- his "friends" are not what I would consider true friends...drinking with him, sharing cocaine...all while knowing he is supposed to be in recovery.
JustKeepSwimming and others -- can you weigh in on this?
By the way, JustKeepSwimming, he was in a 90-day outpatient program at the VA. I was NOT impressed with it or rather what he took away from it. He did not seem to have any deep introspection or realizations from it -- it seemed like a place to go hang out since he doesn't work and has so much time on his hands. He never dealt with the deep emotional issues and trauma that likely led to his addiction. He needs a serious, in-patient program and I have no doubt his parents would get him in one and could help finance it.
Thank you, I owe all my strength to God. Thankfully, I was recently around addiction a bit more than I would have liked, but I learned a bit about it before coming into this relationship. I have been wanting to attend nar-anon, how was it?
I am so proud of you for the way you are handling this and refraining to reach out. You are very strong as well.
As for you keeping this in for so long, that's very unhealthy. You've gotta talk to people and lean on your support system when times get tough. I'm glad they were so supportive and you felt comfortable enough to share it with them. You should absolutely tell his family. If you are more comfortable with a certain family member, just tell them. That is absolutely insane his family has no idea. My boyfriends doctor was prescribing him anything he wanted as well even though she knew he's an addict.
His family is enabling him without even knowing it. That is so incredibly sad. It's not your fault you didn't tell them. This should ultimately have been his job to tell his family that he had a problem. They deserve to know. If they don't believe you than that is their problem, but you should make the effort. A slip is a relapse. You're right, they deserve to know regardless of where he is at or isn't in his recovery.
EXACTLY. His family should know so they can help at any level. drinking isn't being sober. Sharing is caring, but not when it's cocaine. These aren't friends. These are drug dealers and partiers. Once the party stops they go away. They might hit up his phone for awhile. (They continue to call my boyfriend.) They pretend they are sober and want to hangout, but they will only drag them down. They are leeches. I was driving my boyfriend to detox and his dealer said hey man, don't go unless you're 100% sure. If you're not, then don't. I wanted to cut him. lol, but seriously.. how dare he say that! Thats no friend! He needs his family to know. Prepare for them to be shocked and possibly not wanting to believe it. Pray about it and the way that they will accept the news.
90 day programs are a start. It's a bummer that people want help so badly and they get there and abuse the precious time. He needs counseling, spiritual counseling. What state is he in? There are many resources for inpatient programs. I highly recommend salvation army. They are a Christ centered program and focus on rebuilding your life. They have a lot to offer.
I am so proud of you for the way you are handling this and refraining to reach out. You are very strong as well.
As for you keeping this in for so long, that's very unhealthy. You've gotta talk to people and lean on your support system when times get tough. I'm glad they were so supportive and you felt comfortable enough to share it with them. You should absolutely tell his family. If you are more comfortable with a certain family member, just tell them. That is absolutely insane his family has no idea. My boyfriends doctor was prescribing him anything he wanted as well even though she knew he's an addict.
His family is enabling him without even knowing it. That is so incredibly sad. It's not your fault you didn't tell them. This should ultimately have been his job to tell his family that he had a problem. They deserve to know. If they don't believe you than that is their problem, but you should make the effort. A slip is a relapse. You're right, they deserve to know regardless of where he is at or isn't in his recovery.
EXACTLY. His family should know so they can help at any level. drinking isn't being sober. Sharing is caring, but not when it's cocaine. These aren't friends. These are drug dealers and partiers. Once the party stops they go away. They might hit up his phone for awhile. (They continue to call my boyfriend.) They pretend they are sober and want to hangout, but they will only drag them down. They are leeches. I was driving my boyfriend to detox and his dealer said hey man, don't go unless you're 100% sure. If you're not, then don't. I wanted to cut him. lol, but seriously.. how dare he say that! Thats no friend! He needs his family to know. Prepare for them to be shocked and possibly not wanting to believe it. Pray about it and the way that they will accept the news.
90 day programs are a start. It's a bummer that people want help so badly and they get there and abuse the precious time. He needs counseling, spiritual counseling. What state is he in? There are many resources for inpatient programs. I highly recommend salvation army. They are a Christ centered program and focus on rebuilding your life. They have a lot to offer.
JustKeepSwimming, thanks for writing AGAIN. I hope I'm not driving you crazy. :) I've posted on several different sites, but your responses and shared experiences have resonated with me most and been so helpful.
Nar-Anon was so good for me! I am new to it and haven't shared anything myself, but to hear others' experiences has made me feel less alone -- our stories are all so similar. I highly recommend it. I also tried an Al-Anon meeting and the one I went to didn't resonate as well with me as the Nar-Anon -- they say to go to at least six meetings before deciding, but since Nar-Anon is a good fit, I am just sticking with it. The only issue is that Nar-Anon meetings are so hard to find -- it's not as established as Al-Anon, so I think that's why. I am sure Al-Anon meetings are just as helpful if you find one that suits you. I also have an amazing therapist whom I see weekly. He has been instrumental in all aspects of my life.
Thanks for applauding me for not responding to my ex-boyfriend just yet. Boy, it's hard. I felt so relieved when I heard from him and I wanted so badly to reconnect in any way that I could. I know I will eventually reply, but I want to do it on my terms and when I am in a healthier state of mind about it all.
Wow, you are adamant about telling his family! If someone asked me, I would advise them to tell the family as well...but I am struggling with doing it. I am super close to his parents. They told him if he ever broke up with me they'd break his legs -- LOL! I have no doubt they would believe me. They know I am an honest person and their son has had many struggles in his life, so it is not far-fetched that he eventually got into drugs. It does feel a bit strange telling the parents of a grown, 36-year old man...but, you are right, it is INSANE that they have no idea. It's not that they are in denial -- they literally have no idea. Like I said, he doesn't have a job to lose or rent to pay or have to ask them for money to support his habit. In addition, he is masterful at making everything seem okay -- he also is in very good shape and polished looking so that is deceiving. He even fooled two top therapists at the VA. One of them said to me that she felt partly responsible that he "slipped through the cracks," because she always viewed him as the "model patient" and so she never picked up on hints that things were off. She even overlooked a drug test result that showed he tested positive for opiates after his second relapse where his chart was flagged that he was an addict and couldn't have opiates. If she had noticed, he would have been confronted much earlier! How crazy is that?
You wrote about your boyfriend: "I was scared because I thought well, what if he really isn't high? What if I'm making a fool out of myself?" I said something similar to my sister who is the biggest proponent of telling his parents. I said, "What if I'm wrong and he hasn't relapsed and just slipped on things here and there? I'll feel bad and stupid." She, like you, said it didn't matter -- they need to know so they can help and support him through what is a lifelong battle. Selfishly, but naturally, I was also worried he'd hate me and never forgive me. Then I realized that if he practices true recovery, he would eventually realize I did it out of love and care and thank me one day. And if he didn't, that means he isn't truly in recovery.
It's "funny," because the night we ended things, I said, "You really should tell your parents. They will be instrumental in helping you and supporting you through this." And he said, "No and you can't tell them -- that would be so vindictive of you to do that after we've broken up!" Now I realize, he was manipulating me...again.
I will run this idea of telling his family by my therapist tomorrow as well. I will say that part of me thinks it is the addict's responsibility to reach a level of honesty where he tell his family himself -- is that ever true? Then again, if I wait for that, it might be too late. I just don't know!?!?
I am in New York. I will look into the Salvation Army programs. My ex-boyfriend has experienced more trauma in his lifetime than one person should -- you wouldn't believe it if I told you -- it has made him cynical and so he is not one for religion or spirituality, which has always been troubling for me (I never judged him for it, but it saddened me). As I mentioned before, I have never really invested much time into my faith, but I have always believed in a power greater than myself and it's a start.
Thank you again.
Nar-Anon was so good for me! I am new to it and haven't shared anything myself, but to hear others' experiences has made me feel less alone -- our stories are all so similar. I highly recommend it. I also tried an Al-Anon meeting and the one I went to didn't resonate as well with me as the Nar-Anon -- they say to go to at least six meetings before deciding, but since Nar-Anon is a good fit, I am just sticking with it. The only issue is that Nar-Anon meetings are so hard to find -- it's not as established as Al-Anon, so I think that's why. I am sure Al-Anon meetings are just as helpful if you find one that suits you. I also have an amazing therapist whom I see weekly. He has been instrumental in all aspects of my life.
Thanks for applauding me for not responding to my ex-boyfriend just yet. Boy, it's hard. I felt so relieved when I heard from him and I wanted so badly to reconnect in any way that I could. I know I will eventually reply, but I want to do it on my terms and when I am in a healthier state of mind about it all.
Wow, you are adamant about telling his family! If someone asked me, I would advise them to tell the family as well...but I am struggling with doing it. I am super close to his parents. They told him if he ever broke up with me they'd break his legs -- LOL! I have no doubt they would believe me. They know I am an honest person and their son has had many struggles in his life, so it is not far-fetched that he eventually got into drugs. It does feel a bit strange telling the parents of a grown, 36-year old man...but, you are right, it is INSANE that they have no idea. It's not that they are in denial -- they literally have no idea. Like I said, he doesn't have a job to lose or rent to pay or have to ask them for money to support his habit. In addition, he is masterful at making everything seem okay -- he also is in very good shape and polished looking so that is deceiving. He even fooled two top therapists at the VA. One of them said to me that she felt partly responsible that he "slipped through the cracks," because she always viewed him as the "model patient" and so she never picked up on hints that things were off. She even overlooked a drug test result that showed he tested positive for opiates after his second relapse where his chart was flagged that he was an addict and couldn't have opiates. If she had noticed, he would have been confronted much earlier! How crazy is that?
You wrote about your boyfriend: "I was scared because I thought well, what if he really isn't high? What if I'm making a fool out of myself?" I said something similar to my sister who is the biggest proponent of telling his parents. I said, "What if I'm wrong and he hasn't relapsed and just slipped on things here and there? I'll feel bad and stupid." She, like you, said it didn't matter -- they need to know so they can help and support him through what is a lifelong battle. Selfishly, but naturally, I was also worried he'd hate me and never forgive me. Then I realized that if he practices true recovery, he would eventually realize I did it out of love and care and thank me one day. And if he didn't, that means he isn't truly in recovery.
It's "funny," because the night we ended things, I said, "You really should tell your parents. They will be instrumental in helping you and supporting you through this." And he said, "No and you can't tell them -- that would be so vindictive of you to do that after we've broken up!" Now I realize, he was manipulating me...again.
I will run this idea of telling his family by my therapist tomorrow as well. I will say that part of me thinks it is the addict's responsibility to reach a level of honesty where he tell his family himself -- is that ever true? Then again, if I wait for that, it might be too late. I just don't know!?!?
I am in New York. I will look into the Salvation Army programs. My ex-boyfriend has experienced more trauma in his lifetime than one person should -- you wouldn't believe it if I told you -- it has made him cynical and so he is not one for religion or spirituality, which has always been troubling for me (I never judged him for it, but it saddened me). As I mentioned before, I have never really invested much time into my faith, but I have always believed in a power greater than myself and it's a start.
Thank you again.
Not to worry, you are not driving me crazy. I've been at home sick since this afternoon so I've had nothing but time. I'm so glad to have been so helpful.
It is much harder to find than Al-Anon which is a real bummer. The only Nar-Anon meeting in my area is Sunday nights. Not bad, but it would be nice to catch an earlier meeting, but I'll take what I can get. I plan on attending soon, but it's nice to hear about it from someone who has recently attended.
I can only imagine how hard it is wanting to reconnect, but keeping yourself from it. I really think you made a good decision by doing so.
That's good you are so close with his parents. I am very close with my boyfriends family as well and they have said the exact same thing. His family is full of addicts so they are very understanding, but unfortunately his parents are his biggest enablers. It saddens me that he was unable to put them as his support system while he was in rehab. I am grateful to be close with his sisters they helped me through his relapse more than they will ever know. I'm glad that they would believe you, that is relieving. Definitely seems strange, but I suppose you have to do what you've got to do. If you truly care for him you will let his family know in some way.
I can't believe that. She overlooked a drug test. We had a similar situation. My boyfriends primary care prescribed him percocets, klonopin, and eventually xanax knowing he was an addict and could not have anything of the sort. It makes me sick to think about it. These are our doctors.
You're absolutely right. They deserve to know. If he practices true recovery he will thank you one day.
Absolutely manipulating you. I bet your mind goes back to those words often and that's what brought the thought of him hating you if you tell them. Don't worry about that voice in your head.
Absolutely that is true at times, but yes if you wait for that it might be too late. My brother and his girlfriend were using together and he was able to stop cold turkey, but she was unable. He told her if she wanted to continue their relationship she needed to come clean and tell her family and get into a program and continue to stay clean. However, that's a completely different situation.
Here's a link for all the Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Centers (ARC'S) in New York.
http://www.choosehelp.com/newyork/f...vation-army-arc
The one we are closely affiliated with has many people that do not believe in God, or are practicing another religion, or are LGBT, or other. They are very accepting and want to help those in need. They are funded on donations. My boyfriend went through the program, my aunt, and my brother went through the program. Many people we call friends and now even family today have been through this program.
It is much harder to find than Al-Anon which is a real bummer. The only Nar-Anon meeting in my area is Sunday nights. Not bad, but it would be nice to catch an earlier meeting, but I'll take what I can get. I plan on attending soon, but it's nice to hear about it from someone who has recently attended.
I can only imagine how hard it is wanting to reconnect, but keeping yourself from it. I really think you made a good decision by doing so.
That's good you are so close with his parents. I am very close with my boyfriends family as well and they have said the exact same thing. His family is full of addicts so they are very understanding, but unfortunately his parents are his biggest enablers. It saddens me that he was unable to put them as his support system while he was in rehab. I am grateful to be close with his sisters they helped me through his relapse more than they will ever know. I'm glad that they would believe you, that is relieving. Definitely seems strange, but I suppose you have to do what you've got to do. If you truly care for him you will let his family know in some way.
I can't believe that. She overlooked a drug test. We had a similar situation. My boyfriends primary care prescribed him percocets, klonopin, and eventually xanax knowing he was an addict and could not have anything of the sort. It makes me sick to think about it. These are our doctors.
You're absolutely right. They deserve to know. If he practices true recovery he will thank you one day.
Absolutely manipulating you. I bet your mind goes back to those words often and that's what brought the thought of him hating you if you tell them. Don't worry about that voice in your head.
Absolutely that is true at times, but yes if you wait for that it might be too late. My brother and his girlfriend were using together and he was able to stop cold turkey, but she was unable. He told her if she wanted to continue their relationship she needed to come clean and tell her family and get into a program and continue to stay clean. However, that's a completely different situation.
Here's a link for all the Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Centers (ARC'S) in New York.
http://www.choosehelp.com/newyork/f...vation-army-arc
The one we are closely affiliated with has many people that do not believe in God, or are practicing another religion, or are LGBT, or other. They are very accepting and want to help those in need. They are funded on donations. My boyfriend went through the program, my aunt, and my brother went through the program. Many people we call friends and now even family today have been through this program.
JustKeepSwimming, I hope you read this, as you've been instrumental in helping me navigate my ex-boyfriend's addiction. Also, I hope you're feeling better! Thanks for the Salvation Army information as well.
The strangest thing happened...as I said, I am close with his parents. Despite our breakup, his mother emailed me and asked if I wanted to meet her and her husband for coffee when they came to the city. I did, because they are amazing people and I enjoy their company. It was meant to just be a casual, friendly meeting. At one point, she was talking about addiction on her husband's side of the family and said, in passing, "Thank goodness my husband never drinks and my daughters never did and my son (my ex) got past his drug phase (he partied when he was younger)." Well, I am a terrible liar and do not have a poker face. When she said that, I guess I made a face and she said, "I mean, I thought he didn't do drugs anymore. Am I wrong?" Well, I always told my ex that while I wouldn't "tell on him," I would never lie for him if confronted. So, I told her the gist of the situation -- I didn't go into detail and just said it was serious and I was concerned. I was very emotional. She then said that she had noticed at the last couple of dinners, he was drinking lots of wine when he never drank before. She is very smart and informed and her best friend's son is an addict, so she knows a lot about this stuff and immediately said she was concerned that he was supposedly in recovery and not abstaining from alcohol. Naturally, she was sad, but she said that I did the right thing by telling her and was glad I did and that her son should never have put me in the position of keeping his secret. It felt like a burden had been lifted! She is so strong and smart and said that it was hard for her to learn this, but that he was an adult and she can't keep helping him when he chooses to make bad choices. She said she and her husband always bailed him out of trouble when he was younger and he never learns. She said that she would keep it to herself and her husband for now, but her eyes would now be wide open with regard to her son's appearance and behavior.
Later that week, I got an email from her thanking me. Then she told me when she met her son for dinner, he looked like hell and she told him so. He admitted he was hungover from going out the night before. She told me she was very concerned in light of what I had told her about his addiction.
It was pretty amazing that this conversation unfolded with his mother -- the timing and everything. I know that it was NOT a coincidence!
I felt so free and my mood had lifted after telling his mother. Of course, when I heard he was out drinking again, I was hurt because his reason for breaking up with me came after I suggested we just spend a mere 20-30 minutes a week together, going for a walk or something simple, and he got so hostile towards me and said he couldn't do that or even be with me because he needed to focus on his recovery. So, he can go out drinking but giving me a few minutes a week when he lives a half a block away is too distracting. I know it's a bunch of bull, but I personalize it so much and allow it to hurt my feelings.
Most people who've experienced my situation say that this is classic addict behavior -- isolating from those who are sober and have been supportive so that they aren't held accountable or because they feel guilty, ashamed, etc...but I am having such a hard time believing this in my case. I guess I have low self-esteem to keep thinking it's about someone else he's met or that he dislikes me.
I decided to stop contact with him until I felt I was in a better headspace. He called and texted me each day since, updating me on his life (not once asking about mine...selfish addicts..hahah!), even when I didn't respond. I finally texted him back today -- a simple, polite text exchange. I didn't want to ignore him for to long because I do care for him and want him to know I am ultimately his friend, but I am trying my best to keep boundaries until I feel he is truly in recovery. It is not easy. I handle interacting with him much better than before, but I admit I still hope him to have a revelation and to be the kind, giving, honest person I first met. Is it safe to say that this is unlikely until he stops using all substances and takes a program seriously? I am still going to Nar-Anon and I cannot tell you how helpful it has been after only a few meetings.
The strangest thing happened...as I said, I am close with his parents. Despite our breakup, his mother emailed me and asked if I wanted to meet her and her husband for coffee when they came to the city. I did, because they are amazing people and I enjoy their company. It was meant to just be a casual, friendly meeting. At one point, she was talking about addiction on her husband's side of the family and said, in passing, "Thank goodness my husband never drinks and my daughters never did and my son (my ex) got past his drug phase (he partied when he was younger)." Well, I am a terrible liar and do not have a poker face. When she said that, I guess I made a face and she said, "I mean, I thought he didn't do drugs anymore. Am I wrong?" Well, I always told my ex that while I wouldn't "tell on him," I would never lie for him if confronted. So, I told her the gist of the situation -- I didn't go into detail and just said it was serious and I was concerned. I was very emotional. She then said that she had noticed at the last couple of dinners, he was drinking lots of wine when he never drank before. She is very smart and informed and her best friend's son is an addict, so she knows a lot about this stuff and immediately said she was concerned that he was supposedly in recovery and not abstaining from alcohol. Naturally, she was sad, but she said that I did the right thing by telling her and was glad I did and that her son should never have put me in the position of keeping his secret. It felt like a burden had been lifted! She is so strong and smart and said that it was hard for her to learn this, but that he was an adult and she can't keep helping him when he chooses to make bad choices. She said she and her husband always bailed him out of trouble when he was younger and he never learns. She said that she would keep it to herself and her husband for now, but her eyes would now be wide open with regard to her son's appearance and behavior.
Later that week, I got an email from her thanking me. Then she told me when she met her son for dinner, he looked like hell and she told him so. He admitted he was hungover from going out the night before. She told me she was very concerned in light of what I had told her about his addiction.
It was pretty amazing that this conversation unfolded with his mother -- the timing and everything. I know that it was NOT a coincidence!
I felt so free and my mood had lifted after telling his mother. Of course, when I heard he was out drinking again, I was hurt because his reason for breaking up with me came after I suggested we just spend a mere 20-30 minutes a week together, going for a walk or something simple, and he got so hostile towards me and said he couldn't do that or even be with me because he needed to focus on his recovery. So, he can go out drinking but giving me a few minutes a week when he lives a half a block away is too distracting. I know it's a bunch of bull, but I personalize it so much and allow it to hurt my feelings.
Most people who've experienced my situation say that this is classic addict behavior -- isolating from those who are sober and have been supportive so that they aren't held accountable or because they feel guilty, ashamed, etc...but I am having such a hard time believing this in my case. I guess I have low self-esteem to keep thinking it's about someone else he's met or that he dislikes me.
I decided to stop contact with him until I felt I was in a better headspace. He called and texted me each day since, updating me on his life (not once asking about mine...selfish addicts..hahah!), even when I didn't respond. I finally texted him back today -- a simple, polite text exchange. I didn't want to ignore him for to long because I do care for him and want him to know I am ultimately his friend, but I am trying my best to keep boundaries until I feel he is truly in recovery. It is not easy. I handle interacting with him much better than before, but I admit I still hope him to have a revelation and to be the kind, giving, honest person I first met. Is it safe to say that this is unlikely until he stops using all substances and takes a program seriously? I am still going to Nar-Anon and I cannot tell you how helpful it has been after only a few meetings.
Sobernyc can you please tell and help me with how strong you are in all of this? My bf left me too but I love him and can't lose him. We talk almost everyday, do I stop contacting him? How can I be strong ??
Sober nyc. I would like to talk to you about my recent story
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I feel so lost myself. My boyfriend right now is a Heroine addict and I feel like I'm being held to such a high level for him and that I am kind of giving myself up to him too much without focusing on my own needs. He wants to see me every second he can and is snapping at me for taking more hours at work or needing solitary time to do my homework for my college courses and depends on me way too much. He knows he is, he even told me as much. However he also just relapsed about a week or so ago. I don't know what I can do anymore.
snickers 64 - get out of there NOW - you have your own life and future to think of- if your bf cannot allow you the time and space for you to do your college work, it shows a lack of respect and consideration for you and your needs- SELFISH- typical addicts behaviour- it is all about his needs- he has to be the centre of everything- trust me this is how addicts behave, i have done the same myself, i'm an addict as well. you need to put yourself first- you are not responsible for your bf's addiction, or for his recovery- thats his problem to deal with- if he cannot stand on his own two feet now- he wont stay clean for long- that's not your problem- all addicts use and manipulate the people around them- it's what we do- do not let yourself be treated like this - you deserve better- dont let this guy hold you back- walk away and dont look back- there is no future in the past- i wish you the best of luck with your future- go for it-
