Hello everyone,
I think that it is nice to post on this board but it is a bit of hit and miss.
Some questions get 20 answers and some get 2.
I would like to ask you to please answer this question if you have time and have been throught the same thing.
We have been the slave of an addict who is abusive verbally, who has violent tendencies, who blackmails and extorts money from us. Of course money is a huge issue because it does not gorw on trees and not eveybody is a millionaire.
He is getting more and more money as he is using more and mre Coke and Crack.
He lives with my mom and of course he is not not willing to live as you can imagine.
I know that ultimitely it will have to come down to kick him out because he will never cease to get money and to use blackmail in order to get it.
The problem is that my mom and I are afraid of the consequences of taking drastic actions against him.
He is really crazy and we think that even if we throw him out he could find a way to hurt you in a way or anohter.
What do you think? Have you paid a huge price for standing up to the addict in your family?
It is really like a lose lose situation. No matter how you look at it. The fear factor is still there.
I just can't take this situation anymore. I am tired of being a coward.
Please talk to me about your experiences if you can.
I need to hear from people who have been throught the same thing.
I thank you in advance.
God bless you.
Manipulation comes with the territory when you are talking about an addict! All of us who love an addict have been through what you describe in one way or another.
The simple truth, that is so hard for us to understand when we are in the eye of the storm, is that you run no greater risk with him in the house, than out of the house! He is running the show. You know that. The only think that keeps him from exploding is if you now to his every need. And so you do. He wants food, you make it for him, he wants money, you give it to him, he wants to be left alone, you leave him alone, gladly! And when you fail some day? When your not home when he happened to need you, for your money, or your cleaning services....whatever....what happens when his dealers and drug buddies start showing up at your door, where your mother lives...making threats, stealing stuff, maybe passing out....or when the police show up?
Also, the other true thing is if you live with him in constant fear, and do as he pleases because your scared not to, if he has a place to stay, food to eat, money being given to him, why on earth would he leave? Where on earth would he go that could be better than this??
And no, clearly you cant control him if he is there. Again he is running the show, he is no safer from any of the dangers of addiction with you, or without you. And the burden of keeping his safe is not yours, not even your mother's and neither of you will keep him at bay unless he wants to be....and when that time comes, he will have to do it for himself.
Finally the truth is, you cant let addiction be an excuse for him. Addiction has to be the problem. His behaviour is unacceptable, period. Your mother would never put up with it if he was nt an addict so there is no reason to accept it just because he is.
So how do you do it? How do you get him out? Begin at the begging....stop obeying him. Say no. Dont give in. You will either find that his bite is nowhere near as hard as his bark, or he might do something awful, really awful, but then he will have crossed a line and it will be clear to him that he has, and to you an to your mother.
The simple truth, that is so hard for us to understand when we are in the eye of the storm, is that you run no greater risk with him in the house, than out of the house! He is running the show. You know that. The only think that keeps him from exploding is if you now to his every need. And so you do. He wants food, you make it for him, he wants money, you give it to him, he wants to be left alone, you leave him alone, gladly! And when you fail some day? When your not home when he happened to need you, for your money, or your cleaning services....whatever....what happens when his dealers and drug buddies start showing up at your door, where your mother lives...making threats, stealing stuff, maybe passing out....or when the police show up?
Also, the other true thing is if you live with him in constant fear, and do as he pleases because your scared not to, if he has a place to stay, food to eat, money being given to him, why on earth would he leave? Where on earth would he go that could be better than this??
And no, clearly you cant control him if he is there. Again he is running the show, he is no safer from any of the dangers of addiction with you, or without you. And the burden of keeping his safe is not yours, not even your mother's and neither of you will keep him at bay unless he wants to be....and when that time comes, he will have to do it for himself.
Finally the truth is, you cant let addiction be an excuse for him. Addiction has to be the problem. His behaviour is unacceptable, period. Your mother would never put up with it if he was nt an addict so there is no reason to accept it just because he is.
So how do you do it? How do you get him out? Begin at the begging....stop obeying him. Say no. Dont give in. You will either find that his bite is nowhere near as hard as his bark, or he might do something awful, really awful, but then he will have crossed a line and it will be clear to him that he has, and to you an to your mother.
Dear Krista, I'm sorry for all you and Mom are having to go through....it is hard when a loved one is addicted with drugs...They have the face of our loved one but beneath their face everything is changed...You and Mom are now prisoners of his addiction. ...You say he is crazy....what happens one day when you can't give him what he wants...in the last post yes then person is right say no....but something tells me because you fear your brother as he is crazy you fear the consequence of saying no.....He must be told to leave that his behavior is unacceptable and tell him why...He already knows why ...I have said many times in other posts the inmate is running the asulym. ..He will never get better the way it is going he has no need to ..he has a home meals bed his demands are met....You and Mom....is Dad around? A Uncle....tell him he must leave that you will no longer tolerate it and be firm.....then change the locks...Second choice have Mom have him Baker acted ...if he is using he is a danger to himself ..the authorities will hold him for 72 hours and during that time he will not be able to use you might get him into a rehab...3rd choice he's using cocaine and Crack ..unanimously if you wanted to could call the police on him...I know that's a drastic step and one you don't want to take .....but obviously you must realize that no good will result from his using or his behavior. ...it is spiraling out of control. ...do you want to wait until you or Mom get hurt....he's eventually going to be caught ..all you are doing is protecting someone that shouldn't be protected. ....nothing will change if his actions are excepted..You and Mom must stand up for yourselves. ...
Thank you all for your answers.
I just want to make it clear that I am not protecting him.
I would give anything to see him suffer the consequences of his actions.
I am protecting myself from more drama because I have been exposed to so much in the past years including being a caregiver and losing my dear father.
I feel that the constant stress has made it so that my body is not able to handle more stress.
Unfortunately we live in Canada and the rules are not as tough as in the US.
We had the police come a few times and they did not give a damn that he was a drug user.
After the police left each time he made us regret our actions against hime.
He has a great means of blackmail against my mom which I can't get into details here on this board.
This is his number one weapon each time we tried to tell him that we weill throw him out.
He really is a big player as I told you.
Also he is rather fearless because he used to be a practicing criminal lawyer but he is a criminal himself.
I just do not know how to find the courage to take on this battle and if it is even worth it.
I am so weak right now. I have sunken into a deep depression.
I never thought that one day I would be in such position. Just leaving in fear, Not feeling joy and to even lose my faith to a great degree.
How did I let it go so far? All of this because of a filthy addict?
I just want to make it clear that I am not protecting him.
I would give anything to see him suffer the consequences of his actions.
I am protecting myself from more drama because I have been exposed to so much in the past years including being a caregiver and losing my dear father.
I feel that the constant stress has made it so that my body is not able to handle more stress.
Unfortunately we live in Canada and the rules are not as tough as in the US.
We had the police come a few times and they did not give a damn that he was a drug user.
After the police left each time he made us regret our actions against hime.
He has a great means of blackmail against my mom which I can't get into details here on this board.
This is his number one weapon each time we tried to tell him that we weill throw him out.
He really is a big player as I told you.
Also he is rather fearless because he used to be a practicing criminal lawyer but he is a criminal himself.
I just do not know how to find the courage to take on this battle and if it is even worth it.
I am so weak right now. I have sunken into a deep depression.
I never thought that one day I would be in such position. Just leaving in fear, Not feeling joy and to even lose my faith to a great degree.
How did I let it go so far? All of this because of a filthy addict?
Dear Krista2000,
I'm wondering how this became YOUR battle? How old are you and why isn't your mother protecting you? Isn't it her son, her house, her responsibility? I'm sure you want to help your mother, but can you if she won't help herself? I'm so sorry that you have this terrible burden and hope you can get help for yourself. People have been posting for me to take care of myself and I believe you need to hear that too. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
I'm wondering how this became YOUR battle? How old are you and why isn't your mother protecting you? Isn't it her son, her house, her responsibility? I'm sure you want to help your mother, but can you if she won't help herself? I'm so sorry that you have this terrible burden and hope you can get help for yourself. People have been posting for me to take care of myself and I believe you need to hear that too. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Dear Insanity,
I am not at an age where my mother needs to protect me. It is I who worry about her.
I got caught in all that mess out of the goodness of my heart.
I was a caregiver for my elerly dad, which I adored and my mom and I were taking care of him at home.
I did not know my so called brother was such an addict. He was far from us and I had not seen him in years.
When he lost his job, he got very depressed and suicidal and I tried to help and he told me he would just stay with us for 2 weeks and go to another city and start his job.
He tricked us and never left and gradually found dealers in our city and he has been getting worse and worse.
I was not able to abandon my dad because I did not want to put him at a nursing home.
Dad left us more than a year ago.
I was raised in a culutre where you are pulled into the family mess and I guess that I am also very easily manipulated.
The only way I try to protect myself is to stay far geographically.
I just am not able to free myself of the fear of what will happen next.
This time I am determined to let go I just need strength and it helps me to hear from people on this board because who else can understand the hell we are going through?
I am not at an age where my mother needs to protect me. It is I who worry about her.
I got caught in all that mess out of the goodness of my heart.
I was a caregiver for my elerly dad, which I adored and my mom and I were taking care of him at home.
I did not know my so called brother was such an addict. He was far from us and I had not seen him in years.
When he lost his job, he got very depressed and suicidal and I tried to help and he told me he would just stay with us for 2 weeks and go to another city and start his job.
He tricked us and never left and gradually found dealers in our city and he has been getting worse and worse.
I was not able to abandon my dad because I did not want to put him at a nursing home.
Dad left us more than a year ago.
I was raised in a culutre where you are pulled into the family mess and I guess that I am also very easily manipulated.
The only way I try to protect myself is to stay far geographically.
I just am not able to free myself of the fear of what will happen next.
This time I am determined to let go I just need strength and it helps me to hear from people on this board because who else can understand the hell we are going through?
Some times when you are so deep in s#* you have to get some help. Perhaps an intervention would help. Someone who can stand next to you and your family who will help you say what you need to say. He is obviously a very intelligent person. As an attorney he is well trained in intimidation and manipulation and certainly he is refining his skills. You must keep to the facts. These people chew and spit out emotion. What ever he has against mum can be dealt with. But my guess-any thing he has is much worse -tell him -yes let's go to court!! Let's go!! Do not fear-stand firm-let's see him bring her to court with every thing he is doing!!
Do not get into any discussion with him. Oh he will try. And you will try-but go back again-rehearse -write down what you want to say. Tell him not to say a thing but to listen. Then read what you need to say. Give him clear well defined direction.
-You need to move out by ....no longer than a wk. ( he can stay at a shelter if he has to. Or one of his dealer buddies.)
-If you have not left by that time your belongs will be placed in a storage area in your name with only one month paid.
No discussion. No debate. Each time he wants to -put your hand up and say no.
This is not a discussion. You must rehearse this! You will feel stronger each time you do!
Then change the locks-get a security system. Motion sensor lights.
It is long past time! He may never be your son again. He hasn't been in a long time. An addict is there. You have to grieve that- I have. But the only way for him to find his way is on his own.
Let him go. Let him fall-and realize he can not hurt you- and you will not let him to that!!
God bless.
Do not get into any discussion with him. Oh he will try. And you will try-but go back again-rehearse -write down what you want to say. Tell him not to say a thing but to listen. Then read what you need to say. Give him clear well defined direction.
-You need to move out by ....no longer than a wk. ( he can stay at a shelter if he has to. Or one of his dealer buddies.)
-If you have not left by that time your belongs will be placed in a storage area in your name with only one month paid.
No discussion. No debate. Each time he wants to -put your hand up and say no.
This is not a discussion. You must rehearse this! You will feel stronger each time you do!
Then change the locks-get a security system. Motion sensor lights.
It is long past time! He may never be your son again. He hasn't been in a long time. An addict is there. You have to grieve that- I have. But the only way for him to find his way is on his own.
Let him go. Let him fall-and realize he can not hurt you- and you will not let him to that!!
God bless.
This is a REALLY tough one..and I HAVE been in your shoes. My youngest son was a maniac...still is..needs medication but won't take it. My son was not a drug addict but he had extreme outbursts of anger...threatening to hurt me (his Mom) if he didn't get what he wanted. Threatened to kill me in my sleep. His whole face would change when he would go into these fits. I walked around on tip toes...until one day....I was basically running away from him in my car and he jumped on the hood of my car slamming his face onto my windshield. I was shaking from head to toe and I didn't want to do it but I called the police. I rode over a mile with him on my car...passers by afraid to do anything. When he realized I called the police he jumped off and took off....then he started calling my phone...asking me WHY...WHY did I call the cops. Long story short...I asked the police NOT to ARREST him...but told them that he needed serious psychological help. He was held in a hospital against his will for 72 hours...they talked to him about his behaviors....I was able to visit him..he apologized to me...he was never the same maniac when he returned....because he KNEW I would call the police. It only takes one time. The next time he starts acting out...do not warn him about calling the police...just call them...its the hardest thing you will ever do...but it is the BEST thing you can do for yourself and your family. Tell the police the same thing I told them...you do not want HIM arrested...you feel that he has emotional problems and is a danger to himself and others....he will get help and he will definitely change his attitude if he is allowed to return "home". I was always afraid to call the cops on my son thinking it would cause me more chaos in the future. It was the best thing I ever did.
I realize you said you've called the police and received no help before...that was based on accusing someone of using drugs. You have to say you are in fear for your life and that he is a danger to himself and others. Call ahead of time and tell them that you do not feel protected by them because of the past calls and that you feel you have no where to turn. Even turn to local domestic violence places first to get their support to have them intervene and get the police involved in the next outburst. Don't give up because he is running your life..you have to fight harder.
Thank you all for your support.
I do not fear this monster anymore.
Came home. Wanted to take actions and my mother has her own agenda.
I am leaving this situation and let them deal with the drama.
I refuse to be the puppet of an addict.
God bless
I do not fear this monster anymore.
Came home. Wanted to take actions and my mother has her own agenda.
I am leaving this situation and let them deal with the drama.
I refuse to be the puppet of an addict.
God bless
Good for you- be lucky and be happy- take care Krista
