Hello to you all. I need some help, I am hoping some or all of you can help me. My BF of 4 years is addicted to Percocet. He tried to kill himself (with a gun under his chin) ---well he lived.He tried that 4 years ago right before I met him. He wasn't addicted until his last surgery. Now he is shut me out completely. He is taking anywhere from 2-5 a day. I can't make him open up. He is a well known business man in our town, so he won't go into detox. What can I do to make him let me in so I can help? How do I cope? What can I do??? I am so lost. I want to run away, but I do love him, and I don't want to leave him at his lowest time in his life. I just need answers. He gets up and works all day. To the "untrained eye" he is a hard working buisness man.-- to me, he is an addict. The mood swings are the worst! One min he is "normal" and the next min he is fliping out about things. He isn't violent, and has never hit me or even acted like he would. The problem is, he is getting them from the DR!!!! He has been on and off of them for about 2 years. I don't know how to get the ball rolling. He knows he has a problem, but won't admit it unless I leave him, then tells me that it was "the pills" that made him the man that he "was". I am not going to leave him just so he can get help. When I leave, it is really hard on him. He get suicidal, and is on the edge. I really don't know how to start getting him help- or helping him. People (on the Pain Pills site) talk about my role in "enableing him" to use.. what does that mean? What am I doing?? can anyone tell me?
blondie, this may help you with your questions --
Here's Al Anon's self test. While directed to those associated with excessive drinkers, it's the same test for the loved ones of users of other drugs (alcohol is a drug). Just substitute "using" the drug or substance of choice for "drinking"
Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following twenty questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:
1.Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
2.Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?
3.Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
4.Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking, to please you?
5.Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?
6.Are plans frequently upset, or cancelled, or meals delayed because of the drinker?
7.Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you"?
8.Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?
9.Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
10.Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
11.Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12.Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
13.Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14.Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
15.Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker?
17.Do you think that, if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
18.Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
19.Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
20.Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help.
Here's Al Anon's self test. While directed to those associated with excessive drinkers, it's the same test for the loved ones of users of other drugs (alcohol is a drug). Just substitute "using" the drug or substance of choice for "drinking"
Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following twenty questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:
1.Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
2.Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?
3.Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
4.Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking, to please you?
5.Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?
6.Are plans frequently upset, or cancelled, or meals delayed because of the drinker?
7.Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you"?
8.Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?
9.Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
10.Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
11.Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12.Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
13.Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14.Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
15.Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker?
17.Do you think that, if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
18.Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
19.Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
20.Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help.
Bob B.,
Thank you so much for that test. Everytime I come to this sight it seems as though my eyes are opened a little more! I was thinking on confronting him, and letting him know that I know he has a problem. You see, he knows he has a problem, and he knows that I know he has a problem, but the "talk" only happens when we are separated. My BF is in deep. with his suicide attempt, I am afraid to get him off of the pills, they almost seem to save his life.... however I know that isn't true. He is such a strong man, he shot himslef in the head and lived.. now that is a strong man! I just want him to know that i am there.. but refuse to be used... and I refuse to "enable him" to use. How do you think I should approach the subject. I don't want to do it in anger, but it seems (and he has said) that if I don't yell he thinks I will just "get over it" yelling isn't me though.... damn this is hard. But tomorrow is a new day... one that I hope holds promise. Bob, thanks for all your words, and your insight. Without you and all the others, things would be so much worse. God Bless you! Zelina
Thank you so much for that test. Everytime I come to this sight it seems as though my eyes are opened a little more! I was thinking on confronting him, and letting him know that I know he has a problem. You see, he knows he has a problem, and he knows that I know he has a problem, but the "talk" only happens when we are separated. My BF is in deep. with his suicide attempt, I am afraid to get him off of the pills, they almost seem to save his life.... however I know that isn't true. He is such a strong man, he shot himslef in the head and lived.. now that is a strong man! I just want him to know that i am there.. but refuse to be used... and I refuse to "enable him" to use. How do you think I should approach the subject. I don't want to do it in anger, but it seems (and he has said) that if I don't yell he thinks I will just "get over it" yelling isn't me though.... damn this is hard. But tomorrow is a new day... one that I hope holds promise. Bob, thanks for all your words, and your insight. Without you and all the others, things would be so much worse. God Bless you! Zelina
blondie, as you describe it, there is probably nothing you can do -- to him or for him -- and there is probably nothing you can say. you cannot apply love, scorn, shame, demands, humiliation, questions, consolation, threats, cajoling, reason, sex, etc, etc, etc, and fix him.
but there are things that you can do for yourself to change you, and therefore indirectly influence him and his behaviors. if you change, then he will react and his behaviors may change. once his behaviors change, then maybe, just maybe, his mind will change. once this mind changes, then perhaps his use will change. once his use changes, then he may be open and clear-headed enough to enter recovery -- which is largely a spiritual journey back towards not using -- like a circle.
what do you have to lose ?
from the sounds of it, he appears to be a functioning addict. even with the suicide attempt, he has determined that the benefits of use outwieigh the risks and pain of use. if he ever decides to quit and get help, or to get help to quit, it will probably come from a stranger, not from you.
get a copy of the book "Co_Dependent No More" about co-dependency and enabling. see if any of it makes any sense to you. then you will know what the others on the other board were talking about.
best regards
but there are things that you can do for yourself to change you, and therefore indirectly influence him and his behaviors. if you change, then he will react and his behaviors may change. once his behaviors change, then maybe, just maybe, his mind will change. once this mind changes, then perhaps his use will change. once his use changes, then he may be open and clear-headed enough to enter recovery -- which is largely a spiritual journey back towards not using -- like a circle.
what do you have to lose ?
from the sounds of it, he appears to be a functioning addict. even with the suicide attempt, he has determined that the benefits of use outwieigh the risks and pain of use. if he ever decides to quit and get help, or to get help to quit, it will probably come from a stranger, not from you.
get a copy of the book "Co_Dependent No More" about co-dependency and enabling. see if any of it makes any sense to you. then you will know what the others on the other board were talking about.
best regards
He has tried to quit before, he has told me a few times...." leave this weekend, if you want our relationship to last. I am almost out of percocet, and I am going to beat it.- so go for the weekend with your friends somewhere, so you don't see me at my lowest." Well, when this happens, I make plans, and ge gets more pills and there is nothing more said about it. I have seen him come down off them. It really isn't a pretty thing, so going away for the weekend so he can fight his demons was always a good thing. He wants to quit, but it never seems to be a good time for him. I have gotten a hold of his first councelor- that he had after the suicide attempt, and she has agreed to talk to him, but she can't call him, but he CAN call her. That is the plan of action now. Can I call the DR? Can I call him and say... HEY how about not giving him more? He has been giving it to him for 2 years!!!!! PERCOCET!!!! isnt' that illegal? His sister is tying to help me, because he does listen to her, but I don't think she wants to get involved or get into his buisness. I don't blame her, I wouldn't if I wasn't the only one that was there for him.
yours in a case where maybe a professional intervention would work -- you know, a couple of family members and a couple of friends stage a confrontation with the help and participation of a professional. i say that only because he says he wants to quit, but can't muster the courage to get help or ask for help to detox, etc.
just a suggestion.
just a suggestion.
Sad to say, I think he is too proud for that. I think he would clam up and not forgive any of us for the embarassment. Because in his mind, he is a well to do buisnessman, not an addict. To him, the addicts are the guys sitting on the corner, with a needle hanging out of their arm. Which I can tell you, I thought that too. Thanks for waking me up! hee hee Most of his family knows nothing about it. And if I wasn't around, the ones that know now wouldn't have.Like I said before , his sister is involved to some extent. About 3 weeks ago he called her telling her that he was lost - except he was in a town that he knew backwards and forwards. He didn't know how to get home. She told me about it- but said not to mention anything to him... like hell! I think he was having a black out- or something.. not really sure of the "lingo"