This is my third relapse. Today is day one of no pills. I'm terrified. I'm already having withdrawals. I've been taking these things for 10 years on and off. I'm so afraid of the sleepless nights and no energy-days. I feel so incredibly lost and alone. I have a one and three year old to be a better person for. But there is no rest during the day with them! God I just want to crawl into a hole forever.
Remember...you'll never feel better until you're clean. You'll feel icky for a few days and then it's done. Keep using and the bad feelings, mentally and physically, go on forever.
Get some support, nothing says you have to punish yourself and go through this alone. You aren't a bad person, you're sick. You deserve help.
Get some support, nothing says you have to punish yourself and go through this alone. You aren't a bad person, you're sick. You deserve help.
Thank you. I don't think I've ever done it right. But now I don't even know where to begin.
Try talking to your doctor and see if he/she can come up with a quitting plan for you. Start going to meetings or counseling. Don't try to do it by yourself. Getting clean can make us feel depressed and it helps to have someone to talk to.
Welcome....I agree, I would talk with your primary care doctor and also seek other help through meetings, counseling, church, whatever but just remember, you are not alone in this. We have all been were you are at. You no longer need to inflict useless suffering on yourself. There are people and methods to help. Keep sharing and again, welcome.
Sending prayers your way for God to give you the strength to get through this.
Thank you. I can't stop crying.
Please contact Narcotics Anonymous. There will be someone there you can relate to and help you face to face. I'm not saying it's the only answer, but you'll feel less alone, and nobdy there will judge you or think you're crazy.
It's really hard to do this alone, or even just typing on a computer. You need a support system and a real live person or group of people to help you. You've taken a huge step - congratulations!
It's really hard to do this alone, or even just typing on a computer. You need a support system and a real live person or group of people to help you. You've taken a huge step - congratulations!
I don't even think I could be away from the bathroom long enough to go to a meeting right now. I would give anything to have a meeting happening next door right now.
I was just looking at pictures of my kids and it sickens me to see all the fun things I did with them when I was on pills. Today they just sat around the house. They are 1 and 3 and they don't deserve this. I really always thought I would be such a good mom. I really love them with all my heart but sometimes I think they'd be better off without me. My husband is a good dad so would always have him anyway. I just took a nap with my son and he's still sleeping. When I woke up after about 30 minutes I felt like a truck was sitting on my chest. I am so overwhelmed I just don't know how to do this.
I was just looking at pictures of my kids and it sickens me to see all the fun things I did with them when I was on pills. Today they just sat around the house. They are 1 and 3 and they don't deserve this. I really always thought I would be such a good mom. I really love them with all my heart but sometimes I think they'd be better off without me. My husband is a good dad so would always have him anyway. I just took a nap with my son and he's still sleeping. When I woke up after about 30 minutes I felt like a truck was sitting on my chest. I am so overwhelmed I just don't know how to do this.
Cici, Hello and welcome to the board! Being very emotional is common during this time. You've been numb for years, and the release you're having now has been stored up, just waiting to come out.
Now you have one day behind you, and hopefully you will never have to go through Day 1 again. This CAN be the last time you suffer like that if you do it right this time.
I know you have the two babies to take care of, but...could you get some help for just a couple of days?
I am sure you are a good mother. Being an addict doesn't change that. You have a disease, one that you are working hard at getting under control, so give yourself a break! Be proud that you are putting a stop to the madness, it's very commendable!
Most of us on this board are parents, and we all got addicted, so we understand how you are feeling.
Things you might try to help with the WD...
immodium
Vitimin C
Nyquel
Amino acids
Long hot baths
walks......even though you don't feel like it, if you can get up and out for a little while, it will make you feel better. And it helps to pass the time.
lots of water
support.......either meeting, or counseling, a friend, husband.......at this point, any one you could share this with would be helpful to you.
Coming on this board and venting is great, and we urge you to do so, but we all need face to face support as well. Especially once you get over the WD, when the mental crap really starts to set it, meetings of some type of 12 step recovery program are invaluable!
Good luck! Let us know how it's going!
Hi CiCi - I used to think that my 5 month old was being deprived when I became pregnant right away. I laid on the couch alot because I had morning sickness. I thought if I wasn't taking her places and "stimulating" her, it wasn't good enough. Looking back I realize how silly I was. She was a baby herself. All they need is their mom. If you continue off of the pills, you will get better. I promise you.
Your children NEED you! Ok so your husband is a good dad. Fantastic. Consider yourself a lucky woman. To think that you can't turn your life around is your disease talking. Don't listen to it. I swear it's the devil trying to bring you down. You can do this. First get them out of your system and then start looking for help. NA is a great place to start. No one will judge you there. It will do you good to listen to the stories and identify so closely. Even though you may not have hit bottom to the extent of some people, you will still relate. That's the beauty of NA. We're all the same. You may help someone who doesn't have a day clean. I know you're busy with your children but this time do whatever it takes to STAY clean. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is a sickness. If it wasn't you wouldn't have done this to yourself.
Try eating some bananas and maybe some potassium capsules for leg cramps. I had them for a long time after I stopped. The potassium helped me with the cramping.
Keep posting and make it through the day. Start over tomorrow. Good luck.
Alice
P.S. If you could get even a days help with the kids it would be great.
Your children NEED you! Ok so your husband is a good dad. Fantastic. Consider yourself a lucky woman. To think that you can't turn your life around is your disease talking. Don't listen to it. I swear it's the devil trying to bring you down. You can do this. First get them out of your system and then start looking for help. NA is a great place to start. No one will judge you there. It will do you good to listen to the stories and identify so closely. Even though you may not have hit bottom to the extent of some people, you will still relate. That's the beauty of NA. We're all the same. You may help someone who doesn't have a day clean. I know you're busy with your children but this time do whatever it takes to STAY clean. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is a sickness. If it wasn't you wouldn't have done this to yourself.
Try eating some bananas and maybe some potassium capsules for leg cramps. I had them for a long time after I stopped. The potassium helped me with the cramping.
Keep posting and make it through the day. Start over tomorrow. Good luck.
Alice
P.S. If you could get even a days help with the kids it would be great.
Oh CiCi darlin..I am so sorry. You're not alone though honey. There are so many of us out there that have been where you are now. We do truly understand the tears. Please, please call your doc. Let someone help you. Reach out like you did here. Going through this alone will only set you up to relapse. You've got to have back up. Will you consider calling today? At the very least they can help you with comfort meds and point you in the right direction. You have so much on your plate with those 2 little ones and being sick, it's just all so overwhelming. It doesn't have to be like this though. You don't need to be punished. You have a disease and like any illness, you deserve medical help and intervention. Call, ok?
Thank you so much for your kind words. I actually went to a meeting last night. I just sat in the chair in pain and cried. everyone was very welcoming. It felt safe there.
I have a klonodin patch for panic attacks. It probably makes me more tired, though.
It's the depression that's killing me. I feel like I'll never be happy again. Ever. I don't even know who the real me is, and I'm very afraid to find out.
I know I couldn't do this without this board. Thank you with all of my heart.
I have a klonodin patch for panic attacks. It probably makes me more tired, though.
It's the depression that's killing me. I feel like I'll never be happy again. Ever. I don't even know who the real me is, and I'm very afraid to find out.
I know I couldn't do this without this board. Thank you with all of my heart.
I can't speak for anyone else but for me the depression passed in a short time. Keep your mind busy. Go to as many meetings as you can whether you want to or not. Your brain needs time to learn to make you feel good without drugs. Those pills we thought were making us feel so good were really blocking our bodies natural pleasure transmitters. It takes time for that to heal. If you can get thru this and get to the other side you'll feel much better. Just walk thru it, hon. It will pass before you know it. One day you'll wake up and feel a little better then a little bit better and on and on until your body is back to normal. Hang in there.
smooch
smooch
How are you doing, Cici??
Hi. Thanks for asking. I'm on day three without pills. It's a painful detox because it's cold turkey off of 9 norco at a time. sometimes 3 times a day. I tried oxy just last month and loved it (of course I chewed it) and I'm so glad I'm quitting before getting hooked on those as well. I actually took them from my friend's car (and feel very guilty about that). He needs them. I don't. Anyway, I'm having a really emotional time. Trying to be patient with my kids. And husband. I know I'll be a better mother when this has passed but it's such a struggle to not be a b****. I just want to lay down and have no responsibility. I went to my second meeting last night and a 14 year old girl reached out to me who was attending her first meeting. She asked if she could sit next to me. That made me feel good. Man, if we all knew at 14 what we know now........can you just imagine?
Thanks for your kind words. Everyone of them help me through the day.
Love to all of you.
Thanks for your kind words. Everyone of them help me through the day.
Love to all of you.
You are a MIRACLE!!! Three days clean and TWO meetings already?? Wow, we are so proud of you!
The physical stuff will start to get better now, but be prepared for some of it to hang on for a few weeks even. Like restless legs and some leg cramps are possible, but not for everyone. Also, some people have aches and pains that seem really tough at first, but they are temporary. Everything gets better with time, and remember, you'll never have to go through this again. You can wear this detox like a badge of honor - you'll get thru it, you'll survive and you'll be stronger for having done it.
I layed in bed when I woke up too early this morning and read the stories in the back of the Big Book from NA - it sure helps when you're feeling crappy and think "maybe I should just go back to using again - it's too hard to stay clean." I try to remember to put as much effort into staying clean as I did to get pills - and that was a lot!
Sending prayers and love your way! Your kids are lucky to have you!
The physical stuff will start to get better now, but be prepared for some of it to hang on for a few weeks even. Like restless legs and some leg cramps are possible, but not for everyone. Also, some people have aches and pains that seem really tough at first, but they are temporary. Everything gets better with time, and remember, you'll never have to go through this again. You can wear this detox like a badge of honor - you'll get thru it, you'll survive and you'll be stronger for having done it.
I layed in bed when I woke up too early this morning and read the stories in the back of the Big Book from NA - it sure helps when you're feeling crappy and think "maybe I should just go back to using again - it's too hard to stay clean." I try to remember to put as much effort into staying clean as I did to get pills - and that was a lot!
Sending prayers and love your way! Your kids are lucky to have you!
Thank you so much. I'm taking my Big Book to bed with me for when I wake up in 2 hours. It's probably a better choice than watching The Office on my phone in bed for 3 hours.
I love the stories in the book. I wish I could just put my head on the lap of anyone of the authors of those stories. And just cry to them.
I went to my 3rd meeting tonight. It was a meditation meeting so the lights were out. I shared tonight and said things I didn't think I'd ever admit. Of course, when the lights came on I looked like a wreck from crying but....ok.
Thank you all for your support. I really feel love from you. And I so need it now.
Love to you all.......
I love the stories in the book. I wish I could just put my head on the lap of anyone of the authors of those stories. And just cry to them.
I went to my 3rd meeting tonight. It was a meditation meeting so the lights were out. I shared tonight and said things I didn't think I'd ever admit. Of course, when the lights came on I looked like a wreck from crying but....ok.
Thank you all for your support. I really feel love from you. And I so need it now.
Love to you all.......
You sound a lot like me - you obviously have the tools to get clean and you said you're on your 3rd relapse. It's the staying clean that's tough, right? I literally have been clean/not clean for 30 years. Some of those years I simply didn't drink or do drugs because I was busy raising kids and I hadn't discovered pain pills yet. But this last run, 15 years of increasing doses of pain pills, doctor visits, internet ordering, huge visa bills, lost jobs, wrecked relationships, etc, etc, etc, really was the kicker.
I really really never want any other addict to throw away 15 years of their life like I did, especially when it's an addict mom! I don't beat mysef up for those years, because it's a disease, but there sure are lots of things I'd do differently.
Here on this board we will support you in every way because we are all in the same boat. In your "real" life it sounds like you've built a great support system too. Hang in there, Cici!
I really really never want any other addict to throw away 15 years of their life like I did, especially when it's an addict mom! I don't beat mysef up for those years, because it's a disease, but there sure are lots of things I'd do differently.
Here on this board we will support you in every way because we are all in the same boat. In your "real" life it sounds like you've built a great support system too. Hang in there, Cici!
Thank you so much.