Hi, everyone
Diff is really in need of our prayers right now. She posted to me on the Paisleydaisy thread and I was afraid you all wouldn't see it. I'm sure you'll have some great words of wisdom for her as well!
Thanks so much! God bless!
Love,
Susan
Dear Diff,
MARY posted these words to our friend Jack who is struggling right now....
..."You and i have had a long term of staying clean...and that is like money in the bank in a sense that we have the wisdom strength and hope of those accrued clean years to fall back on and in case of an unintentional 'slip'...we have the 'tools' to prevent a major 'slide'.
We are only as 'sick as our secrets'...dear Jack...and the guilt we feel will only keep us stuck and in the dark....but the light of your honesty here will illuminate your way back onto the path of sobriety once again."
Hope these words help you as well.
Lots of love and prayers coming your way,
Susan
MARY posted these words to our friend Jack who is struggling right now....
..."You and i have had a long term of staying clean...and that is like money in the bank in a sense that we have the wisdom strength and hope of those accrued clean years to fall back on and in case of an unintentional 'slip'...we have the 'tools' to prevent a major 'slide'.
We are only as 'sick as our secrets'...dear Jack...and the guilt we feel will only keep us stuck and in the dark....but the light of your honesty here will illuminate your way back onto the path of sobriety once again."
Hope these words help you as well.
Lots of love and prayers coming your way,
Susan
hey Diff, I saw your post didn't really know how to reply, I come off very melodramatic at times, but I am a heroin addict maybe that comes with the territory. All I can say is keep your head above those dark waters, there is a light shining inside you look for it and don't let yourself drown. Look for that light and hold onto it with everything you've got! Life throws some horrible s*** our way, at times we don't know how we are going to make it through, take life minute by minute, hour by hour. Make yourself a schedule, not a real one but a mental one. Tell yourself, If I can make it here, If I can make it through this hour or to this time. You'll start to feel better Diff I promise!! If not you can smack me around okay? You are in my thoughts and prayers, you can make it through whatever or whomever is darkening your kingdom. Fight those mental demons off babe and hold on!
Whoa! Diff! Sorry to hear you are not right--Maybe you oughtta put down the Burroughs & pick up a bit of lighter reading matter? I am not being flip or sarcastic, sometimes your reading matter carries on over into your everyday doings,;speaking for myself, I find that to be true. I remember reading "The Killer Beside Me" THE book about Ted Bundy, & walking around feeling like I was choking, sorta sick to my stomach, just a feeling of dread.Stupid & an overheated imagination, right? Well, I am just telling you what I felt.If I watch too much news on tv I get too wound up & wanting to argue W/ folks.They say everything that we do & see during the day comes out in our subconscious @ nite, in our dreams.Maybe doing something cheerful, something you really like, (NOT getting loaded!) but just a simple happy will lift your mood & take you outta the dark place? I wish I knew you better so I could maybe help more. But you will be ok, Keep posting! Hang in there Baby!
Dear Jesus,
Please help Diff right now. She needs your light to lead her out of the darkness. She has worked so hard and come so far, please help her in her time of need. Renew her strength to fight whatever is taking her into the darkness. In your name, Jesus, I rebuke any and all evil spirits lurking in and around her and command that they return to the pits of hell where they belong. Surround Diff with your love and lead her out of her "Falling Kingdom". And if you don't mind, Lord, please wrap your arms around her and give her a BIG HUG from me. In your name I pray. Amen.
Love,
Susan
Please help Diff right now. She needs your light to lead her out of the darkness. She has worked so hard and come so far, please help her in her time of need. Renew her strength to fight whatever is taking her into the darkness. In your name, Jesus, I rebuke any and all evil spirits lurking in and around her and command that they return to the pits of hell where they belong. Surround Diff with your love and lead her out of her "Falling Kingdom". And if you don't mind, Lord, please wrap your arms around her and give her a BIG HUG from me. In your name I pray. Amen.
Love,
Susan
Alaska, Just as you were saying that I was thinking the exact same thing to myself "The stranger beside me" be Ann Rule?? How wierd
Dear Diff,
I just wanted you to know that I just spent about 5 hours back at my mother's condo sorting through and packing up her stuff and I didn't even turn the radio on. I just thought of and prayed for you while I was doing it. I hope you are doing ok. Please let me know.
Love,
Susan
I just wanted you to know that I just spent about 5 hours back at my mother's condo sorting through and packing up her stuff and I didn't even turn the radio on. I just thought of and prayed for you while I was doing it. I hope you are doing ok. Please let me know.
Love,
Susan
Dear Diff,
Thinking of you and praying for you!
Love,
Susan
Thinking of you and praying for you!
Love,
Susan
Trooper yes, "The Killer, Stranger, Creepy Weirdo, whatever Beside Me", THAT was a dreadful book--Diff, I hope our thread on Burroughs & yr. subsequent reading of him didn't lead to this --I feel bad. Susan, great prayer, Amen from me too...
I am hoping that both Diff and Jack find the strength that they need to come through this pain that they are in right now. I will keep them both close in my thoughts.
I was going to ask If anyone had heard from Jack, I have only recently come back after my Brothers death in December.
I cannot remember Jacks login name on this board.
Please enlighten me to it if you know it.
Jack if you are reading this post I would love to hear from you.
But if you don't feel up to it, that is fine also.
And Diff, you know that I would also love to hear from you.
Take care.
Karen
I was going to ask If anyone had heard from Jack, I have only recently come back after my Brothers death in December.
I cannot remember Jacks login name on this board.
Please enlighten me to it if you know it.
Jack if you are reading this post I would love to hear from you.
But if you don't feel up to it, that is fine also.
And Diff, you know that I would also love to hear from you.
Take care.
Karen
Dear Brit,
So sorry to hear about your brother. I hope that God eases the pain of his loss.
Jack's name on here is Jackofhartzz. Please let me know if you hear from him. I am concerned too.
Love,
Susan
So sorry to hear about your brother. I hope that God eases the pain of his loss.
Jack's name on here is Jackofhartzz. Please let me know if you hear from him. I am concerned too.
Love,
Susan
Dear Diff,
Please let me know that you're okay. I care about you very much, girl! No matter what, I'm here for you!
Love,
Susan
Please let me know that you're okay. I care about you very much, girl! No matter what, I'm here for you!
Love,
Susan
Diff,
Sending HUGE prayers your way! I know the struggle all to well and relief does not come overnight but it WILL come....just hold on! All the best to you!
Darin
Sending HUGE prayers your way! I know the struggle all to well and relief does not come overnight but it WILL come....just hold on! All the best to you!
Darin
Thank-you all, especially Susan, for your kindness. And Alaska, don't feel bad about the William S Burroughs thing. That wasn't a factor in my messing up. I know why I did it. It was because it was the only place I could go where he couldn't find me. Firstly it took me physically away from him. It's like taking a trip to the underworld. You go through some shady alleys and darkened doors, and it's like you are in another world. And the thing about junkies is they are always so pleased to see someone come back from out in the cold, as it were. They love to see a prodigal return. And then when I returned home, emotionally I was too dead to care. That's why I was able to broach the subject of his affair (alleged). But it was the following day that I felt so lost. I felt so far away from everything. I felt like I'd crossed a line, floated over a chasm, and nothing looked the same. I couldn't count on him, and I couldn't even count on myself. Like the solid ground hand become spongy, and there was nothing I could trust. He doesn't know how to reach me and I don't think he would even try. And when I try to reach him, it's like grasping at straws. I just can't find a way in. And I just get more hurt and confused in the trying.
Anyway, I'm back at home, trying to be as normal as possible, hoping that if I do that then I'll start to feel normal again.
love you all
Diff xxxx
Anyway, I'm back at home, trying to be as normal as possible, hoping that if I do that then I'll start to feel normal again.
love you all
Diff xxxx
Dear Diff,
It's so good to hear from you again! I'm so sorry you were feeling so lost and hurt. Bless your heart! Please always remember that you've got a "family" on here who loves you dearly and who you can turn to when you need us. I'll keep the prayers coming for healing of that hurt and for strength to stay strong.
Love,
Susan
It's so good to hear from you again! I'm so sorry you were feeling so lost and hurt. Bless your heart! Please always remember that you've got a "family" on here who loves you dearly and who you can turn to when you need us. I'll keep the prayers coming for healing of that hurt and for strength to stay strong.
Love,
Susan
Hi Susan, it's not strength I lack. There was absolutely no battle going on, no trying and failing to talk myself out of it. I think a lot of it was to somehow punish him. I used to feel the same way about self-injury. When I mutilated my flesh, I felt that I was punishing the people who I imagined were hurting me. And I think the people who hurt us most are the people who are most important to us, because that implies that there is some sort of reciprocal love going on. I couldn't go around cutting them with blades, so I cut myself, almost to say "Here, look at this, you are doing something unspeakable to me." Self-mutilation, self-injury, self-harm, there is something deeply disturbing about someone you love doing stuff like that to themselves. But I get so lost at that point, because I know that I have had delusional thoughts and paranoid psychosis, but I genuinely can't tell if I am being delusional or very lucid. I can't tell where reality ends and delusion begins, and that's why I feel so lost, coz I can't find solid ground, I can't find something real, something true, something reassuring to hang on to.
The reason I went off to score was not about craving heroin, not that I was overwhelmed by a desire to have the feel of the stuff running through my veins again. No. It was me saying to him that I am not his possession. That I will go off and do exactly what I like, and there is not one thing you can do to stop me. All the time, I fit into your life, I inhabit your world. Well, sunshine, welcome to my world! This is where I feel at home. These are my people. And you? You just couldn't follow me here. Where I am liquid, where I move so freely, where I hold all the keys. Every single door would be closed to you. I could hide in this labyrinth forever, and you would never find me. This is a dangerous world, but I feel safe here, I know it's every inch. And you would be picked off by the wolves in a day.
I needed to feel that I had an identity that was completely untouched by him. And that's the only place I knew where to find one. Afterwards I felt a little shocked at how easily I slipped back into my old persona. But I knew it was only a temporary visit. I knew that I was only here on a mad womans rebellion, that would only last a day. The gear was more of an annoyance that an end in itself. But I know this sounds f***ed up, but when I was sticking that needle in a vein, I was thinking about him, festering at home, wondering where I was and what I was doing, and I was thinking how completely spun out he would be if he really knew what his little dogsbody was doing. Think you know me? Think you can control me? f*** You!
I apologise for the language. This is the best way I can describe it.
love
Diff xxx
The reason I went off to score was not about craving heroin, not that I was overwhelmed by a desire to have the feel of the stuff running through my veins again. No. It was me saying to him that I am not his possession. That I will go off and do exactly what I like, and there is not one thing you can do to stop me. All the time, I fit into your life, I inhabit your world. Well, sunshine, welcome to my world! This is where I feel at home. These are my people. And you? You just couldn't follow me here. Where I am liquid, where I move so freely, where I hold all the keys. Every single door would be closed to you. I could hide in this labyrinth forever, and you would never find me. This is a dangerous world, but I feel safe here, I know it's every inch. And you would be picked off by the wolves in a day.
I needed to feel that I had an identity that was completely untouched by him. And that's the only place I knew where to find one. Afterwards I felt a little shocked at how easily I slipped back into my old persona. But I knew it was only a temporary visit. I knew that I was only here on a mad womans rebellion, that would only last a day. The gear was more of an annoyance that an end in itself. But I know this sounds f***ed up, but when I was sticking that needle in a vein, I was thinking about him, festering at home, wondering where I was and what I was doing, and I was thinking how completely spun out he would be if he really knew what his little dogsbody was doing. Think you know me? Think you can control me? f*** You!
I apologise for the language. This is the best way I can describe it.
love
Diff xxx
Dear Diff,
Thanks for trying to explain. Since I've never used drugs, it's hard for me to see using as solid ground for two reasons. 1...because you put yourself in danger every time to use it (I can see nothing safe or solid about the horrible stuff) and 2...because drugs take over or control the person (as witnessed by the terrible things my son did because of it). I'm relieved that you weren't craving it and that you plan on this being a temporary visit. I will hope and pray you find a safer "solid" ground. I'm glad you're safe!
Love,
Susan
Thanks for trying to explain. Since I've never used drugs, it's hard for me to see using as solid ground for two reasons. 1...because you put yourself in danger every time to use it (I can see nothing safe or solid about the horrible stuff) and 2...because drugs take over or control the person (as witnessed by the terrible things my son did because of it). I'm relieved that you weren't craving it and that you plan on this being a temporary visit. I will hope and pray you find a safer "solid" ground. I'm glad you're safe!
Love,
Susan
