Please Read If Struggling W/starting Your Recovery

Hello everyone reading this....my name is JD, and I posted on here a couple of years ago for a while, during a time that I was attempting to become sober from various pain medications. I had been addicted to some form of PP for a little over 6 years, starting initially with Ultram/Tramadol. Eventually, my dosage of this drug became so insanely high, that I had 4 seizures while taking it, including a seizure while behind the wheel of a car while driving 70mph on an interstate...thank God my wife was there to grab the wheel and save our lives. And still, that wasn't enough to keep me from using. I had tried C/T several times, flushing away my collection of pills, but never made much further than 3 weeks. I didn't attend meetings, I didn't seek counseling, I didn't research prevention techniques, etc. I just thought that "stopping taking pills" equaled "sober and recovered." Boy was that way off base!!!

Eventually, my substance abuse turned to much more powerful medications - oxycodone, hydrocodone, demerol, fentanyl - and sent my life into a downward spiral, financially, health-wise, and emotionally. Predictably, I increased dosages of these substances to insanely high and dangerous levels. I believe it a miracle that I am still here today, and I am so thankful for that, for reasons far beyond what I could ever imagine.

Finally, on July 15, 2007, I made the choice to take control of my recovery, and entered a substance abuse program in my area. I attended 30 days of Intensive Outpatient at the program's hospital, which was a 9am-5pm session monday-friday. I met some incredible and amazing people through my time there, and realized that there are really people out there - from ALL walks of life - who have struggled just like me. I even had a professional athlete in my recovery group (won't say who of course, but it was a pretty big time person!), and that was an incredible learning experience. I now currently attend personal counseling 2x a month, and attend meetings as much as possible (usually 1-2x week). I do take Suboxone currently, at 8mg/day, and am working that program with a wonderful and caring Dr. who has sat down with me, and explained every step of our plan for the future, and what to expect. I have truly recieved blessings from God that I never knew I deserved.

For me, the worst damage in my life came in my relationship with my family, but particularly my wife. This is my soulmate, and my best friend....and I'm sure some of you can relate to this....it's just the lies, the sheer staggering amount of lies that I gave her, all to mask my ever-increasing addiction. The savings that I drained from our accounts to pay for scripts because insurance wouldn't cover anymore. It was just awful......and so it feels so much better to say that my wife has not only been able to forgive me for my old self, but has become active in her own recovery as a co-dependent spouse. I'm telling you guys, those of you who are trying to quit....this has been one of the most important parts of my recovery...having a partner that truly knows and understands the nature of what you are dealing with, and can also make strong decisions and detach at times emotionally from the hurt of addiction.

And so here I am now, sitting at 190 days, and my life has turned around 180 degrees since last summer. In an amazing twist of fate, 3 DAYS after I made my decision to commit to becoming sober, my wife informed me that she was pregnant with our first child. :) We are now expecting our baby boy on March 22nd. It's been a truly uplifting prize for me to know that my child entered my life with me as a sober man.

And these days, my quality of life is truly the best it has been since my college years, almost 9-10 years ago. I don't mean to make it seem a bed of roses 24/7. I am still dealing with a lot of the residual struggles of my drug use. My wife and I continue to struggle monthly trying to cover bills while trying to prepare a home for its first child. I'm an educator, and I basically got what could be considered a major demotion for this school year after my performance and effort dropped off so far last year during the worst time of my using. It's a difficult job, and while I realize that many people deal with rough jobs, to see where I've fallen to is very very difficult for me on a daily basis. It's a constant reminder to me of just how much damage I did during that time. I do deal with a considerable amount of back pain on an almost daily basis, as that's the pain that originally got me introduced to steady dosages of these pills. So, I take Aleve, use warm water in a shower, do streches, and see a Chiro and do the best I can. And with all of those struggles included, my life is such a positive now that I really have to stop and remind myself that it's only been 6 months, and that relapse could be just one bad decision or moment of weakness away.

But still, I am so thankful to those who have helped me in my recovery, including those of you who might have helped me the previous time that I was on here. I have needed each and every one of you as a part of my support group, and will be eternally greatful for your care and concern.

I apologize for the length of this post...I just wanted to share a testimonial with those of you who may be hanging around this board...especially those of you who may not be posters, but just readers. That was me for quite a long time, as I struggled with the reality that yes, I was in fact an addict, just like all those "other people" out there. That was a truly saddening realization, and one that I truly struggled to comprehend for a long, long time. So please don't get so discouraged that you just sever connections to other people, whether on here or face-to-face. If you're trying to self-debate if this is worth it, the answer is YES!!!!! You'll never make a better decision for yourself. If you don't believe you can do it, if you don't believe you have a strength....please, come talk to someone, including me. Talk and listen to other sober people....because they'll be getting as much from talking to you as you are from talking to them.

God bless you guys, thanks for helping me take the steps I needed to take in order to become a sober person again.

Best of luck to all of you, and DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!
I just want to say congratulations to you J D.

Congratulations on taking your life back, and congratulations on your baby.

Every single day gives us the opportunity to make good choices and do the right thing...I am grateful for every day that I have had since I quit using pain pills. I think it has been a long time in my life since I felt this way also. Addiction takes so much of us that only time reveals, and I am still learning too.

I hope that things continue to get better for you...you have a powerful story to share, so keep sharing.



wow jd!!! congratulations! on your sobriety and new baby boy!!!!
it feels good doesnt it?
my story and yours have some similarities, i am a recovering vicodin addict, although my doses never exceeded more than 6 a day, i still am an addict just as much as if i took more,fortunately my rock bottom occurred before my disease advanced to other opiates or larger doses.
i too, started at 8mg of sub, i see 2 counselors a month, attend meetings and have a sponsor and am working on step 4. i started my sobriety in july too of 2006 and i have 18 mos and have taoered down to 4 mg of sub.
most importantly is i have a loving God who sees me thru everyday and i am now learning how to uncover core issues for my using and change things.
keep coming back and congrats!!! julie
Congratulations on your recovery and your baby boy, how exciting that you are starting a new life along with having a little one.

You have an awesome recovery story and thanks for sharing it!
Thanks for sharing, JD...I loved your story...The hope jumped off the page and thanks for carrying the message.

Hope to see you more around here...and congratulations on the baby!

Take care,
Stacey
180 days is so awesome..congrats on that and the baby....there is light at the end of the tunnel and it's so refreshing to read a success story.
What an inspirational story!! Thank you so much JD for sharing that. It struck me as I was reading it how all of our story's are just so damn close. Maybe not the actual events...but the progression...the stopping...the relapses....the surrender. Wow....you could almost set a clock to how this disease progresses and develops and the how's and whys we eventually quit.

We are all so very blessed to sit here and think about and type out our stories. Some just don't make it.

You should be very proud of yourself. You have done an excellent job of showing it works...if you work it!! I know the suboxone was probably of great assistance to you. I have a real love/hate affair with it myself. I am so grateful for it and I hate it all at the same time. Well, maybe not hate, but I have been on it for a little over a year and have learned so much about myself, the program and addiction. I have a fully loaded toolbox now and now it's up to me to put those tools to good use. They aren't much use to me if I just look at them.....LOL...like any tool I suppose!

Congrats on the pending birth of your son! I think you will be a terrific Daddy! You will be clean and sober and that alone is a wonderful gift to offer your son. Your wife sounds like a real angel. I know relationships and addiction are not a great combo...but when you get someone that just loves you and is at least willing to look inside this ugly disease it's half the battle!

Stick around and share some more...you have alot to offer here!

Hugs,

Kerri
j d

I have much in common with you. I am a teacher, as well, and probably close in age. My downward spiral is the same as yours. I read your post this morning and it meant a great deal to me. I hope I find the same type of happiness.

Thank You!!!!
Jer
Hey guys, thanks a ton for the warm words of congrats and encouragement. I should have included my address to those of you who are currently sober and working your programs as well! I don't know that people on the outside world really understand how vulnerable all of us remain in our recovery, and how valuable it is to hear and interact with others - from ALL stages of addiction and recovery. I know for me personally, any testimonials, stories, discussions I can get on a weekly/daily basis are a great aid to me in strengthening my resolve, and realizing that I've added another real purpose in life: to be a contributing part of a sober community of recovering addicts. Somewhere around 60 days or so I was able to step outside myself a little, and get some perspective, and quit feeling bad that I was always "bothering" others with talk of my struggles and ups and downs of my recovery. I now realize that nothing could be further from the truth, and that my words- whatever they reflect, good or bad- can and do make a difference to others that I come across. That was a REALLY inspiring and exciting thing for me to learn about myself. It can really get me revved up when I'm starting to sag. I think a lot of us realize how selfish we were through our days/months/years of using, and to be able to experience the act of giving back to other people, just by opening the truth about yourself to them, is one of the coolest things about recovery and sobriety that I've found.

I really do sympathize with those people out there tonight who are sitting at their computer, a complete wreck because they know the decision and challenge that is in front of them, wondering if they could ever make it through. My heart pours out to them, without knowing them but just being aware that they are there. I came to this board for months, even years, before I was truly prepared to accept the responsibility and accept the gift of a strong support system. This place, although I've seen it go through it's peaks and valleys as a community, was the initial catalyst that made me first look in the mirror and own up to who I had become. That statement tells me all I need to know about the value this place has. It's not a "cure-all"...there's so much more out there that the recovering addict has to accept before I believe they can really make lasting progress. But this place is a good place, and I'm so grateful to all of you who care enough to stay here and share your words with others. It doesn't even matter if you were addressing me all this time...as you guys point out, there's so much that we all share in common through our experiences that I always felt like I WAS being spoken to, no matter who the name was that the post was written for.

notfeelingclever - you gave me chills with this sentence "Every single day gives us the opportunity to make good choices and do the right thing...I am grateful for every day that I have had since I quit using pain pills." Honestly, I always sort of thought that talk was a bunch of hooey. (yeah, I used the word hooey) Mainly because the previous times I tried to "stop using", I wasn't prepared for anything else that recovery would bring. And so I would spend those days in angst, waiting for the time when this pain of recovery would be "over". I was living those days just as a countdown to get to some magic anniversary, like 18 months or something. And that's not what recovery is...I am so aware now about each day that I'm in, and probably never so much as when I'm really having a crappy day. It's at those times that I'm able to stop and smile, and realize that my life is getting back on track. :)


jewlsander - you're absolutely right about the whole "# of pills" topic that I think people get hung up on. I mean, it's ADDICTION we're trying to recover from, and break the cycle of. I wish more people out there would realize that....I know I was one of those people who justified my addiciton for a long time by using the "well look at how much more all those other people take compared to me" rationale. I was just as much an addict back then, and if I would have taken the time to realize that, I probably would have saved myself a lot of major damage to my life and the people around it. Congrats to you for overcoming that debate, and being honest and fair with yourself.


bumps - thanks a lot for the warm words, and believe me, I've followed many of your posts for a long time. Thank YOU for sharing your story(ies) with me. (by the way, you've got a cool avatar!)


Stacey - first off, Dale Jr. is where it's at! OK, now that we've got that established...:) Seriously, hearing someone say that a post of mine creates hope is about the nicest thing someone could say to me at this point....that gave me chills too! (the good kind!!!) Thank you.


cowgirl - you're another that I've kept an eye on from my perch (I hope that doesn't sound stalker-ish or anything....I think you know what I mean...right? :) Thanks for the words of encouragement, now and in the past as well. Keep up the good work for all of these visitors....they (we) learn a lot from your example!


kee kee kerri - what a cool reply, and thanks for taking the time to send me all of that! It's nice to hear about others who deal with the suboxone element. I share a lot of your ups and downs with it. I was just trying to explain this attitude to my wife the other night....how I am so thankful for it, because it allowed my mind and soul to focus on the tools needed for a long-term recovery, rather than the constant battle each new day was for me in trying to stop before. There's no doubt that I believe this medicine (not drug, medicine) was/is an essential part of my acute stage recovery, and my conscience is truly clear about that matter - regardless of whatever debates people out there would have over it. I know myself, I know my recovery, and luckily, I've gotten to know my doctors and in turn my progress and program. I know that someday it will be another obstacle for me to overcome, to end my use of sub, and like you, there are times when I wish that would be NOW....it can be a burden to take it on a daily basis, and there are no doubt some side effects (uh....constipation anyone?)....but for now, it's a part of my recovery, and that's enough for me.


and Jer - I know it's probably hard times for you these days, as it sounds like we are in a pretty similar place in the world right now. All we can do is keep clawing our way back up, right? But there's no doubt, some nights it's hard to keep my spirits up....I see my old life, the one that I had a handle on before my addiction grab a handle of me, and it's basically a daily thing that I see it. And I'll be honest....that's a good thing, and it sucks, at the same time. But it is a good feeling to know that internally, I'm righting that part of myself, and I have faith that someday I'll end up back in my element, with a much BETTER appreciation for what I've accomplished.


Thanks a lot guys....especially if you made it all the way down here! Honestly, I don't get access to the "internets" as much as I would like (another one of those residual effects of my addiction), so I may kind of write a lot when I DO get to be here. I honestly got so much out of each of your responses. When I logged on tonight and checked my thread to see 7 replies, it was like opening a birthday present. :) Keep up the good work for both yourselves and the others out there who need you...I'll see you guys again soon.

One at a time...
JD