Please Read........

Telling your spouse?

I have noticed that many of the newcomers are told that they need to come clean with their spouse about their addiction. This in some ways bothers me a bit.

We do not know this person's situation. I think in a perfect world, Yes, by all means tell them, and while they may be dissapointed and upset, they will still support and love them, and will be beneficial to there recovery.

But.........There is always the other side of this. What about the spouse that never forgives? The spouse that will hold it against the addict until the day they die?

I told my husband, the night I voluntarily entered rehab 3 years ago, after alot of anguish about whether to do it or not. I had no choice at this point as I was going to be gone for some time.

I to this day regret it so badly. It has in no way helped my situation, in fact has made it worse. He does not understand addiction, thinks anyone addicted to anything is a "junkie" and it is sickening to him. He has a stereotype in his mind from the way he was raised and NOTHING will ever change that, because we have tried everything.

Some of us cannot just go to our spouse and tell them.........."I have a problem" and are going to be loved and supported. It can make a situation so much worse.

I regret it to this day....................I know my life would be so much better had I not told.

This is why I am careful to tell any newcomer..............Tell Tell Tell.........I understand the thoughts behind this though, in wanting them to get all the support they can, but its not always the right answer.

I am in no way looking for answers to my situation my posting this. I just simply wanted to say maybe we should find out the newcomer's home and marital situation before we suggest they tell all???

Just a thought.

Merry Christmas to all of you.

Hugs.
Jody..I couldn't agree with you more..I came clean to my wife at the
time and things were never the same..She did not understand addiction
at all..She could not understand why I could not just stop taking them..
All she did after I came clean was b**** and yell at me about it instead
of getting my but into rehab..

Doug
I agree with you.

I have a very "cold" family that would not have appreciated my addiction. Telling them would do more harm than good.

I recieved a lot of support from fellow addicts that understood what I was going through. My family only would have called me a "junky" and thrown me out of the house.

Catherine
Doug and Catherine-

I was a bit hesitant to post this at first........

But so glad I did now.........

I knew I couldnt of been the only one who received this reaction from there spouse or family.........

Hugs to you both........

Java!

I am so glad you wrote that, i have had that in my head latly. That is so true there is always another side, and the other side is usually the individual who is going through hell, and just puts on a front if that makes sence........i guess that is how i was.

I am on the list of spoces that are continual reminded and have thrown in my face that i am a addict, it by far wasnt something i am or ever will be ashamed or, am i remorcefull about the way i did it , yes, for sure how could i not be.

Some of you know my situation a bit. But i have a huband who throws that in my face constantly, and to this day i think i shouldnt of told him, i would be better off doing it alone and that being my fault for not sharing , then to have to do it alone, and have someone daily make me feel like crap for it. Every argument about any subject somehow , (he is creative) that is thrown in my face.

When we went out on our first date after running into each other again, i told him my hole story before getting in the car, and i was so excited i cant even explain how much that, he didnt run away and that he was ok with it, and up until the day we got married he would go to meetings with me and look like the best supportive person every, everyone thought i was so lucky, and so i thought what they hey(there is so much more to the madness here but it would take ages to write and im sure it isnt necisary)

Any ways , the day i got married, even on the way to the reception i got yelled at severely because i forgot a camera, and he told me how big of a idiot i was and that i cant think strait becuase i fried my brain and that a fly knew more and rememberd more than i did. and it got worse.........and worse , and he made me stop going to meetings he made me cut ties with all people, and he wouldnt even let me have a big book in our home..... So i guess what i am saying is , Jave, i understand completly and for my situation i feel that i would of been alot , healther and safer, if i didnt tell him, and just did it on my own. Not that i want to live that way, just in my situation it would of been better not to . Hope that made sence............... ever side of a rainbow has another side. And usually th other side is wear the storm is with the clouds and the rain. Sorry bes analogy i could think of.........lol


Pants
and that was just my husband, my family and sisters are a comple nother can of worms that i am not even going to open!

:)

pants
Pants-Sorry and Java absolutely. I did the same thing. My husband use to use too. But I was the addict. It was a bad choice. Now I live with it through divorce with children its a sucky combination. Everyone encouraged to make that decision use descretion. That goes for any advice on here. We are cyberlly connected and it's wonderful but we also don't know whats really going on the only one who does is the person with the problem.
Love,
Jane
Jane, amen............lol................i am proud of you though you are so strong through all this with your kids, your a great mom, and they are lucky to have you.........dang men any how huh.................... sorry boys!:)
Pants.......

So good to see you posting girl.

I hear you on all of that.............

Telling my husband was the biggest mistake I ever made, and has in fact I think slowed my recovery in a sense. He just does not and will not understand it, and has his mind MADE UP what an "addict" is. I have finally realized I cannot change him or the way he thinks.

It does always scare me for the newcomer though, while I know being honest is best, In some unique or maybe not so unique situations, it can make it worse, much much worse..........

Big Hugs.............

Take care of you Pants. :)




edited to add: Jane............Thank you............Ditto what Pants said, You my lady are one strong woman, I really envy you and your strength.............Hugs.
I can't figure out how you guys HID it from your people. Even though I thought I was hiding my addiction and alcoholism everyone knew before I did that I had a problem. My family was very happy when I finally got sober. They have never thrown it at me. They are happy I am finally happy.
Java, it is nice to be able to post again, wont last much longer , as soon as the snow lets up im out of here...........!
I am a 100% believer in honesty, that is and was my goal to do for the rest of my life after all the lying and drugging i did. I guess it is hard to know a persons reaction, even if you know them well, you never know what in them will just be nasty and will show it.. . . I use to always have people ask me if i thought a marrige could work between a addict and a non addict(or atleast a codependant in denial) and i was strongly against it. But now after this situation i think my oppinion may be changing a bit. How much nicer would it be to be with someone who i mean was STRONG in recovory and understood and supported and that we could do the same. . . . . Life is a gamble, and i guess we just chose to play the wrong cards.........

I got a job i posted before and when i went in for the interview the man asked me about honest and he asked me what was one thing that i would be honest about that people may not aprove of, i told him i was a addict, and he hired me just because of honesty, now he asks me everyday how i am doing if i am around and if i need anything, and he shared with me that he was gay, so it is nice to have a mutual respect. But i found out today that some one told my husband were i got the job, and he called down there and tried to tell the boss what a horrible person i was because of drugs and that he would of been a moron to hire someone like me................and boy did that man tell him off, and it made me happy to hear he ran away with his tale between his leggs becuase he relized that not all people are cruel and judge some are just so caring and accepting.................... bu the man told him, i know and that is exactly why i hired here, it shows character and work ethnic.................. so that made me happy! hubby eat that lol!!!

So i beleive in honesty , but i also now know that emotional abuse is the worst so, sometimes maybe it is good to just keep to ourselfs for our own saftey

edit to say........... i was over a year clean when we started dating and so he never knew me at my worst with that, so it was completly my choice to share that with him.............and it is on his shoulders one day how he handled it

edit to say again......(sorry im slackin) that i ment relationship between a addict and a addict............if i am still confusing you let me know



Pants
Lmao at Kat....

When I finally confessed to my husband, he was like "Stacey, you don't have to tell anyone, we all knew and were waiting for you to know"......it was my addictive thinking and denial that made me think I was being so sly and clever...I know at meetings, we all get a good chuckle out of our slyness....

I have a friend in recovery with a few 24hrs and he says "we're only as sick as our secrets" and it took me a bit to understand that...but for me, coming honest with myself, not worrying about what others thought of me, has been such an awakening...

Thank you for letting me share....
In my case I wasn't a falling down drunk or anything..I hardy even drank..
And I never told anyone..Only the people who I was getting the pills from
knew and I never associated with them..
The times that I did over do it, I would just say I was sick..

Doug
12 stepper,

I don't see my family often. We are not close. Thanksgiving and Christmas is about it and both holidays are a chore. Everyone puts on their "happy face" and I think we all watch the clock until the ritual is over. I had a serous surgery 4 years ago and did not recieve even a phone call.

I didn't hide my addiction, I am never around them enough for them to know.

I guess it's hard to imagine for people who have loving familys.

Catherine
If I were married to someone who was that horrible about not supporting me and my disease, I would divorce his a** in a heart beat.

This is about my life and happiness and I can't make someone happy who can't support me. So they don't need to be married to me anymore than I need to be married to them. I would try very hard but at some point, you throw in the towel and you do what's best for you.

Just my opinion.
Thank You Jodi for posting this. :)
Lisa,nice to see you back,and so happy youre feeling bettter!

I totally agree with what you said Lisa,...for a spouse,not to understand addiction...well thats one thing...of course they wouldnt understand unless they were an addict themselves.But...to be unsupportive of their partner in life...to throw it in their face...to me,thats just not love.

I understand what youre saying Java,in some cases it could make a "bad" situation worse. But...in a "somewhat" healthy loving relationship,i just couldnt imagine not telling my spouse,yes,he may not totally understand it,but if he loves you,and wants whats best for you, he would support you and adjust his pre conceived notion of what an addict is.Thats what a true relationship is all about,give and take,understanding,caring,supporting,even when we dont quite understand it ourselves.

If my spouses opinion of an addict was a bum on the street,a lowlife,etc...and i came forward and told him i was addicted and if he didnt change his opinion there and then,and support me,i would think very very hard about what my marriage was based on,and what KIND of man im married to.Not to mention(Does he really love me????)Becasue if he didnt try and understand and help me through it,i would feel unloved,totally,and definitley disrespected.Because...he would basically be saying i was a bum,lowlife,etc...and there is no respect in that thinking what so ever!

JMHO~KIM
It's about keeping secrets.If your comfortable with that with your significant other,more power to you.I can understand not telling your family but someone you are around every day? I'm with Lisa on this.If they can't love you and support you,there wasn't much there to start with? JMO

also....here is another little tidbit about that thread you are refering to.He is the one she is giving her Vicodin to.As I understood it,he will be in charge of giving them to her?He doesn't know she is an addict..you figure it out.It's a recipe for disaster.


Welcome home Lisa.
I agree with you guys on that one, i dont know if i could of kept a secret like that being with someone everyday.
Sometimes you dont know how people will act about it in different situations. That is why i left my husband. I DID feel unloved, the lack of support was painfull, so i gave up as lisa put in and threw the towel in, I do know that i am going to re think how i tell someone and how much i trust them in the next siuation i am in one day................. this experience helped me learn alot but made me really cautious.

Pants
Pants-I'm so proud of you.That was a big step for you.I can already detect a new "spring in your step."You got a job too from what I understand.That's awesome.Your self esteem will start coming back fast.Your young,beautiful and sober.My God,you can do anything now.No one will ever be able to take you hostage like that again.
Excellent