If this is a disease, an illness, something I have not control over, I am powerless, I didnt ask for, plan on. That I have made a mends for, why now...1 day away from 6 months clean from Pot does my hubby throw up all his feelings, thoughts, past plans of leaving me,but couldnt bring himself to do it. knowing i was an addict but never saying anything (which i am glad or i would have just smoked more)(rebellion),
when i smoked if he made me mad, i would just get high to avoid an argument, why should we fight, besides i am a dope head that he "puts up" with i have no right to say anything, so i would let EVERYTHING go.
now that i have been clean, i dont take as much crap off him, now i havent been this stark raving b**** either. my irritability wasnt as bad as some, i just withdrew some and he was used to that, but otherwise ok. he is a very anxious person and i have asked him to work on it, because he is always agitated. he said last night he feels like a big a****** all the time now. i guess cause i have now started standing up for myself. i encouragged therapy and was able to keep it together, continue to admit my addiction and place no blame on anyone or myself. but damnit.....
today i could just cry, but i havent. i am supposed to go to a birthday party and i just want to see my shrink, i kinda want to say, why didnt you just leave you MFkr. Then part of me says look how close you were to losing everything you stupid bit*h.
I apologized AGAIN for what he endured, he told me i had already doen that so i didnt need to again, but geez, he unloaded.......i know he has the right, and maybe i wasnt ready to hear it when i said i was sorry before and i am stronger now.
but please tell me why I continue to get slammed, when I am trying so hard to do the right thing, if i am following dr. orders, why now. I know there are rational reasons, but i am just so hurt, I wanted to celebrate and tomorrow, and i feel like a turd
Dear Jamv,
When I was sober and my husband was using (most of our marriage), I was responsible for everything, I blamed his drug use for all my issues. I understand where your husband is coming from. Lots of resentment. The only thing that worked was for us to get to a point where he was looking through the newspaper for a place to live. 4 hours he looked. I finally approached him and stated that the time spent looking could be time in marriage counselling. Plus it was a helluva lot cheaper than divorce would be. We are far from perfect, spent our marriage addict/co-addict and now everything has changed again because i joined him in hell. All this stuff you are dealing with is growing pains. Somehow you have to come to a point where you assume goodwill and turn towards eachother. I'm sorry you're suffering right now. I don't have the answers it's so complex. Don't give up. Look up anything and everything you can about the dynamics of addiction from the other side, you will learn alot. Please don't beat yourself up and understand that blaming and shaming is all part of the cycle for both sides. It's hard work....take care tonight. Do something that's good for you, even if you don't feel like it. DO IT ANYWAY>
When I was sober and my husband was using (most of our marriage), I was responsible for everything, I blamed his drug use for all my issues. I understand where your husband is coming from. Lots of resentment. The only thing that worked was for us to get to a point where he was looking through the newspaper for a place to live. 4 hours he looked. I finally approached him and stated that the time spent looking could be time in marriage counselling. Plus it was a helluva lot cheaper than divorce would be. We are far from perfect, spent our marriage addict/co-addict and now everything has changed again because i joined him in hell. All this stuff you are dealing with is growing pains. Somehow you have to come to a point where you assume goodwill and turn towards eachother. I'm sorry you're suffering right now. I don't have the answers it's so complex. Don't give up. Look up anything and everything you can about the dynamics of addiction from the other side, you will learn alot. Please don't beat yourself up and understand that blaming and shaming is all part of the cycle for both sides. It's hard work....take care tonight. Do something that's good for you, even if you don't feel like it. DO IT ANYWAY>
jamv-
He stuck around because he loved you. Thats the way men show love, we put up with your mood swings, PMS and everything else. Even when we know what you want is flowers and cards (and hugs.) Like WW said you are going through a growing, changing process. You both have a lot of adjustments to make and new ways of interacting to discover, it will be stressful but if you look at it as a journey to a better place it may be more bearable.
Finally forgive each other, never underestimate the power of forgiveness. And forgive yourself also. Deal with the issues one at a time and don't let them overwhelm you. Celebrate your sobriety tomorrow, do that for yourself.
Let it go, it's in the past now, your relationship went through hell and survived-now there's something to celebrate!
He stuck around because he loved you. Thats the way men show love, we put up with your mood swings, PMS and everything else. Even when we know what you want is flowers and cards (and hugs.) Like WW said you are going through a growing, changing process. You both have a lot of adjustments to make and new ways of interacting to discover, it will be stressful but if you look at it as a journey to a better place it may be more bearable.
Finally forgive each other, never underestimate the power of forgiveness. And forgive yourself also. Deal with the issues one at a time and don't let them overwhelm you. Celebrate your sobriety tomorrow, do that for yourself.
Let it go, it's in the past now, your relationship went through hell and survived-now there's something to celebrate!
jamv- i'm with hippienerd. yes you have MUCH to celebrate!!!
:) jo
:) jo
Thanks for the responses guys. Hippinerd, I am not much on flowers and such, and to make such a call re. pms, and stereotypical roles is making pretty big assumptions, this is not 1950., so move with us into 2005, and lets all celebrate my 6 months.. it is 12:27am in my time zone.
Didn't make any assumptions really, some women like those things but most men don't think to do it. Maybe it's not 1950, but men are still men and its basic to us I think that we assume you know if we are sticking around, it is because of love. Hey it was you girls who posted that song about how many different sides/moods you have, not me!
Congrats on 6 months Jamv, that is something to be proud of.
I apologize if I offended anyone, man, woman or child for posting the lyrics to that song and referring to pms.
In other words, I broke one of my agreements.
1. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
*Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Today I can't get the song, "We Belong" by Pat Benatar outta my head. Last week it was "Last Resort" by Papa Roach. Music is big for me and my taste changes as quick as the weather around here.:-)
I apologize if I offended anyone, man, woman or child for posting the lyrics to that song and referring to pms.
In other words, I broke one of my agreements.
1. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
*Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Today I can't get the song, "We Belong" by Pat Benatar outta my head. Last week it was "Last Resort" by Papa Roach. Music is big for me and my taste changes as quick as the weather around here.:-)
thanks for the congrats, and no offense taken by anyone. I am just not the flowers and hugs type of a person, that was my point to hippinerd. i think his point is we drive men crazy with all of our moods, such as the song you and i were talking about, one minute we are one way and the next the other. Again the song is pretty sterotypical as well. sometimes no one is happy with anything. haha.
i have had a pretty bad day, i have slept a lot, not feeling very well. i think i had mentioned before i have asthma. i was at a bday party for a friend last night with lots of cig smoke. my allergies and asthma are being treated and i am on antibiotics, overall i seem well, but i guess i am not. i will be awake for about an hour and then i am asleep.
hope everyone else is well, oh ww, i just got satelite radio, i love music too.
i have had a pretty bad day, i have slept a lot, not feeling very well. i think i had mentioned before i have asthma. i was at a bday party for a friend last night with lots of cig smoke. my allergies and asthma are being treated and i am on antibiotics, overall i seem well, but i guess i am not. i will be awake for about an hour and then i am asleep.
hope everyone else is well, oh ww, i just got satelite radio, i love music too.
Yes, jamv that is exactly what I was saying. Even if ya drive us crazy we love you anyway. Lot's of guys find it hard to verbalize but trust-if he sticks around it's cause of love, and not the physical kind. Hope your celebration of sobriety wasn't too impared by your health issues, Cigarette smoke bothers me terribly also.
Think you had a bad day? Thurs. night I ran over a curb, bent two rims and ruined a tire. It was new construction and unmarked, and I was not real familiar with that part of town, of course if I hadn't been headed for a street which was one way in the other direction... Geez if I had been drinking or stoned, at least I would have had an excuse! (ha ha). And no, didn't make me feel like smoking a doob, just stupid. Decided it was an omen that I needed to move on with my life when I went to some old (yes you guessed it) friends in the neighborhood of the mishap and no one answered the door. A waitress at the restaurant where I usually eat breakfast offered her and (her husband also offered to) help so it is fixed now and life goes on with new people in it.
But one of the tires does have a slow leak, and life goes on and on and on. Ok so I lake classical which dosen't get so stuck in your head, yes I am weird!
Hey is anyone else out there listening? Talk to us, say hi anyhow!
Think you had a bad day? Thurs. night I ran over a curb, bent two rims and ruined a tire. It was new construction and unmarked, and I was not real familiar with that part of town, of course if I hadn't been headed for a street which was one way in the other direction... Geez if I had been drinking or stoned, at least I would have had an excuse! (ha ha). And no, didn't make me feel like smoking a doob, just stupid. Decided it was an omen that I needed to move on with my life when I went to some old (yes you guessed it) friends in the neighborhood of the mishap and no one answered the door. A waitress at the restaurant where I usually eat breakfast offered her and (her husband also offered to) help so it is fixed now and life goes on with new people in it.
But one of the tires does have a slow leak, and life goes on and on and on. Ok so I lake classical which dosen't get so stuck in your head, yes I am weird!
Hey is anyone else out there listening? Talk to us, say hi anyhow!
Hey Guys!
Congrats Jamv. You have been such a help and inspiration to me during these past few months. I know things are going improve in your relationship,if you want them to. I know that the people I have the most difficulties with are my best teachers in this life. They challenge me to test my limits. Or rather my limitlessness. We always seem to forget that we are pure spirit, pure love, inhabiting a body. Our problems take us away from the fact that we are the bliss we seek, we just get side tracked by life sometimes. Truth is we are all exactly perfect. Right here, right now. We are all doing exactly what we are suppposed to be doing, learning whatever it is our souls journey needs to learn. Hence there are teachers that are put in our path to help guide us back to our essence, one way or another. I'm learning a new tecnique in my life to visualize that I already possess in life, everything I could ever hope for or want. Everything, children, money, vacations, business ventures, anything. It's really working magic with me. I wrote a letter today to my friends and family from a place where all of these things had already happened. It's amazing what it does for one's perspective. It's making me realize how much that I already have of what I want for myself. I know it may sound a bit hokey, but the law of physics comes into play when we act in a way that we already have what we want.
Anyway, don't allow yourself to be ruled by fear ( judgement, or shame). Try to replace all of that fear with love. It does work. Hippienerd said it well. just let it go. Try this meditation if you like.
With every slow deep inhalation through the nose, imagine that you are inhaling love, and with every long slow exhale exhale fear through an open mouth.
One of the great things i've replaced some of my addiction with is breathing excersizes. They make me feel connected.
Much love everybody
Congrats Jamv. You have been such a help and inspiration to me during these past few months. I know things are going improve in your relationship,if you want them to. I know that the people I have the most difficulties with are my best teachers in this life. They challenge me to test my limits. Or rather my limitlessness. We always seem to forget that we are pure spirit, pure love, inhabiting a body. Our problems take us away from the fact that we are the bliss we seek, we just get side tracked by life sometimes. Truth is we are all exactly perfect. Right here, right now. We are all doing exactly what we are suppposed to be doing, learning whatever it is our souls journey needs to learn. Hence there are teachers that are put in our path to help guide us back to our essence, one way or another. I'm learning a new tecnique in my life to visualize that I already possess in life, everything I could ever hope for or want. Everything, children, money, vacations, business ventures, anything. It's really working magic with me. I wrote a letter today to my friends and family from a place where all of these things had already happened. It's amazing what it does for one's perspective. It's making me realize how much that I already have of what I want for myself. I know it may sound a bit hokey, but the law of physics comes into play when we act in a way that we already have what we want.
Anyway, don't allow yourself to be ruled by fear ( judgement, or shame). Try to replace all of that fear with love. It does work. Hippienerd said it well. just let it go. Try this meditation if you like.
With every slow deep inhalation through the nose, imagine that you are inhaling love, and with every long slow exhale exhale fear through an open mouth.
One of the great things i've replaced some of my addiction with is breathing excersizes. They make me feel connected.
Much love everybody
YOU GUYS ROCK !!!!
