Well-- I got an answer this morning --he text me this:
103 temp
That was it! So I text him back this--
go to ER
Hope that isn't enabling. I will do no more than that. He is a grown man and can figure it out! I think he was just testing the water after all these months of no contact to see if we would buckle again.
At least we know he is alive!
Lori
I'm so glad you know, I don't think that is enabling at all. Stay strong - so easy to say and so HARD to do. It's only been 8 days since I spoke to my son and it feels like forever. I actually just goggled "how do you know if you are have a nervous breakdown" I hate this disease!!!
I had a huge fight with my husband this morning over him asking me a simple question. But it was the straw that broke the camels back and the flood gates opened. He is probably still asking himself what the hell that was all about.
My prayers are with you.
I had a huge fight with my husband this morning over him asking me a simple question. But it was the straw that broke the camels back and the flood gates opened. He is probably still asking himself what the hell that was all about.
My prayers are with you.
Duchess...glad your heart was eased...but I'm kind of wondering...isnt he supposed to be living in a car with his dogs.?...he got a thermometer ?...damn good to be able to text with a 103 degree fever...but hey...I've multi tasked some very odd situations...so...what do i know...either way...glad you got word so you feel better...
Con
Con
Con--
yes --that was the first thing we said--where does he get a thermometer???
He text back an hour ago with the " I need $231 or I will lose my car and be homeless with
the dogs. We are cold and sick and hungry and living in the woods. I have no one or any family. Have a nice Thanksgiving!"
It is sad but almost comical because he says the same thing every time. He always adds a few words to make us feel guilty, but it doesn't work anymore! I did not respond to him because if I did or said go to Salvation Army--he would just say I can't with the dogs. He always has some excuse or answer.
I can't talk to him cause it just deteriorates rapidly and he always argues. I am better off not responding to him at all!
Lori
yes --that was the first thing we said--where does he get a thermometer???
He text back an hour ago with the " I need $231 or I will lose my car and be homeless with
the dogs. We are cold and sick and hungry and living in the woods. I have no one or any family. Have a nice Thanksgiving!"
It is sad but almost comical because he says the same thing every time. He always adds a few words to make us feel guilty, but it doesn't work anymore! I did not respond to him because if I did or said go to Salvation Army--he would just say I can't with the dogs. He always has some excuse or answer.
I can't talk to him cause it just deteriorates rapidly and he always argues. I am better off not responding to him at all!
Lori
You did good D...think I said already somewhere...the holidays are good manipulation tactics...he will use them to make you feel bad and to give him what he wants...he is angry and will hurt you and himself until he gets that no one but himself is gonna get him out of where he is if he wants it...I always say...no one can hurt me better than I can....im a master at self destruction. ..im hoping he will get some clarity soon...enjoy your family and try not to worry...take care of you...
con
con
I am happy that you heard from your son even if he is trying to emotionally blackmail. It's the addiction. I wonder if his wee dogs have been influenced by their lifestyles? You do have to like a guy who has two dogs right. As a mom I understand the worry and the sadness the addicted child (they don't appear to be growing up!) puts us through. My son is avoiding me at the moment. As I said, I am happy that you have heard from him. Stay strong and remember that you must not feed into the addiction but do convey your love to him. Hugs
Lori- I'm doing a happy dance. I'm so glad that you know he is alive. That he reached out to you (finally). What a relief! Thank God! I'm so sorry that he is trying to manipulate you and the situation. Blackmail is a good word. You did the right thing. Your answer of go to the ER is an excellent example of detaching with love. You go girl!!!
I'll renew my offer to take the pooches. I'll help the dogs; like you, I wouldn't give him a dime or help one iota. You've done that before and nothing improved.. . nothing positive changed. I know it is hard to not "help" our addict kids when we know they are without shelter, food or other basic necessities. It's painful and sooooo sad. Here's a hug. This tough love is oh so tough on us parents, too.
My J, who turned 21 yo in July, told us for the last 3 years(ever since she turned 18) that she was grown. I guess she was smelling herself. When she was in college, our answer was different. But once we knew about the addiction and she chose to go to FL. . . Our answer was, "Well. . .grown people pay their own rent, buy their own food, etc and we are going to help you be grown by saying, No. Grown people figure things out."
That's all you are doing. . .helping him be grown.
Be strong Mama. Keep up the good work!
Lynn
xoxo
PS I am going to the pet food store later today. I'm buying provisions for the doggies. Mwah.
I'll renew my offer to take the pooches. I'll help the dogs; like you, I wouldn't give him a dime or help one iota. You've done that before and nothing improved.. . nothing positive changed. I know it is hard to not "help" our addict kids when we know they are without shelter, food or other basic necessities. It's painful and sooooo sad. Here's a hug. This tough love is oh so tough on us parents, too.
My J, who turned 21 yo in July, told us for the last 3 years(ever since she turned 18) that she was grown. I guess she was smelling herself. When she was in college, our answer was different. But once we knew about the addiction and she chose to go to FL. . . Our answer was, "Well. . .grown people pay their own rent, buy their own food, etc and we are going to help you be grown by saying, No. Grown people figure things out."
That's all you are doing. . .helping him be grown.
Be strong Mama. Keep up the good work!
Lynn
xoxo
PS I am going to the pet food store later today. I'm buying provisions for the doggies. Mwah.
Hold your ground D! He is testing you....and yes ANYTIME you respond it will escalate. Im so sorry he is hurting you like this. Please believe me when I say...THERE IS HELP OUT THERE AND WE KNOW WHERE TO GET IT. We WILL come up with EVERY EXCUSE KNOWN TO MAN....and some that aren't...to continue to use...to not get help....because HELP means we have to put down the drugs and that scares us s***less! We have to come to this on our own. It HAS to HURT or we will NOT change. Think of a scale....with a bucket on both ends....on one side there is the DRUGS...on the other is food, clothing , warmth, ect. We will look at this scale a LONG time...keep weighing our options...until one side FINALLY outweighs the other. If another person keeps jumping in to PUT the food, clothing. warmth on the other side we have NO reason to give up the drugs. We WANT our cake!
I'm new to this site. Just reading your post helps me know I need help in dealing with my son. Do you go to meetings for families of drug addicts? I've been told they help but haven't attended. Glad you heard from your son.
I hadn't heard from Johnny for 9 days and then today I got a text saying "hey I won't have access to a phone tomorrow so I wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving early"
He's been in sober living so what this really says is I'm choosing to use and will probably be in detox/rehab after tonight. Prior to finding this website I would have called and said don't do it and begged him to stay clean and paid his rent (because he can't find a job) and whatever else "I" needed to do to keep him there. Who knows maybe he's been using for the last week. Either way I was so proud of myself because all I replied was Happy Thanksgiving I love you.
Now I'm just praying I can stay strong.
He's been in sober living so what this really says is I'm choosing to use and will probably be in detox/rehab after tonight. Prior to finding this website I would have called and said don't do it and begged him to stay clean and paid his rent (because he can't find a job) and whatever else "I" needed to do to keep him there. Who knows maybe he's been using for the last week. Either way I was so proud of myself because all I replied was Happy Thanksgiving I love you.
Now I'm just praying I can stay strong.
my husband and I went to naranon meetings for about a year. It helped to get us on the same page and to plan how to handle things. It did help to see others, be able to talk about what was happening, know that others have been through it. and to see others who have been going thru it for so many years. understanding that we needed to be in control of what was happening in our lives.
my son has been in two rehabs, and gave recovery a good try. 2015 and 2016 started w rehab and a struggle thru recovery and relapsing with mom and dad giving as little as possible. He is staying w a relative for a few months, no drugs, but no meetings, no progress on health issues.
he may come home after the holidays. we will see what 2017 brings..... he says he is done with that life, he has lost too much. cars, clothing, money, jobs..... but we will see what his actions are.....
my son has been in two rehabs, and gave recovery a good try. 2015 and 2016 started w rehab and a struggle thru recovery and relapsing with mom and dad giving as little as possible. He is staying w a relative for a few months, no drugs, but no meetings, no progress on health issues.
he may come home after the holidays. we will see what 2017 brings..... he says he is done with that life, he has lost too much. cars, clothing, money, jobs..... but we will see what his actions are.....
Hey Lori, Glad you heard from your son even though it wasn't a great call, you know he's alive. The holidays are such a hard time for us all this is when we need all the strength we can muster to get through them. I'm always glad when it's the 2nd January and there all over with. Thinking of you and sending you a hug. Mary.
Thanks Mary--
It is hard over the holidays even if we are on track and doing what we know is necessary. I jump though when the phone rings or I get a text. Relieved when it is breaking news about the election--lol! I also worry he will show up at my door and I will have to call the police. I know I am doing the right thing, but I am still struggling with the let go part and the worry. Us moms are so wired to do that whether our kids are on track or not. Face it we would go in a burning building to get our kids even if they are adults!
Anyway--I am staying strong and battling my withdrawal symptoms and I plan on having a great Thanksgiving because I have a lot to be thankful for regardless of my situation!
Hugs to all of my virtual support buds!!
Lori
It is hard over the holidays even if we are on track and doing what we know is necessary. I jump though when the phone rings or I get a text. Relieved when it is breaking news about the election--lol! I also worry he will show up at my door and I will have to call the police. I know I am doing the right thing, but I am still struggling with the let go part and the worry. Us moms are so wired to do that whether our kids are on track or not. Face it we would go in a burning building to get our kids even if they are adults!
Anyway--I am staying strong and battling my withdrawal symptoms and I plan on having a great Thanksgiving because I have a lot to be thankful for regardless of my situation!
Hugs to all of my virtual support buds!!
Lori
@Duchess...I'm glad you have the relief of knowing he is alive. You handled that text beautifully and simply! Way to go!!!!
I know he sent you a another text asking for money. I had to chuckle a little bit, because you posted on October 22nd, that he asked for the same thing!
(quote from October 22nd)
Well, he is alive! Got a text message that said he" needs $231 dollars or he will lose his truck????????? Can you help me out cause I am living in my truck???"
We addicts try like hell, don't we!??? You are definitely throwing him off now that you have stopped enabling him. He is grasping at straws now to get you to do his bidding! I mean, how is it that he was going to lose his truck a month ago, but now, over a month later, he is claiming the exact same thing?
When we are not in recovery and especially when our family stops enabling, our world as we knew it changes, and boy does it confuse us!!! But, for me, this was the turning point for me. When my tactics that always worked stopped working...when my guilt trips were met with practical solutions and no emotion, when I couldn't squeeze blood out of the parental stone...THAT is when it changed for me and when I finally...finally..had enough and made the move toward recovery!
Hold steady! You did the right thing! I, too, doubt he has a thermometer (or a fever, for that matter!) I'm sure he was probably figuring that with the holiday, you might be feeling a bit nostalgic and sad and that he would capitalize on it and try to get what he wants out of you!
It is hard to say, but as an addict (now in recovery), we use people to get what we need. There is a great post on here somewhere...I think it is a letter from an addict...maybe not..I'll have to look it up because it explains perfectly how our minds work in active addiction. Just know that it is his addiction talking. But, you are doing all the right things and I pray that he will start moving toward recovery!
Thinking of you and hoping you are doing well! (((hugs)))
I know he sent you a another text asking for money. I had to chuckle a little bit, because you posted on October 22nd, that he asked for the same thing!
(quote from October 22nd)
Well, he is alive! Got a text message that said he" needs $231 dollars or he will lose his truck????????? Can you help me out cause I am living in my truck???"
We addicts try like hell, don't we!??? You are definitely throwing him off now that you have stopped enabling him. He is grasping at straws now to get you to do his bidding! I mean, how is it that he was going to lose his truck a month ago, but now, over a month later, he is claiming the exact same thing?
When we are not in recovery and especially when our family stops enabling, our world as we knew it changes, and boy does it confuse us!!! But, for me, this was the turning point for me. When my tactics that always worked stopped working...when my guilt trips were met with practical solutions and no emotion, when I couldn't squeeze blood out of the parental stone...THAT is when it changed for me and when I finally...finally..had enough and made the move toward recovery!
Hold steady! You did the right thing! I, too, doubt he has a thermometer (or a fever, for that matter!) I'm sure he was probably figuring that with the holiday, you might be feeling a bit nostalgic and sad and that he would capitalize on it and try to get what he wants out of you!
It is hard to say, but as an addict (now in recovery), we use people to get what we need. There is a great post on here somewhere...I think it is a letter from an addict...maybe not..I'll have to look it up because it explains perfectly how our minds work in active addiction. Just know that it is his addiction talking. But, you are doing all the right things and I pray that he will start moving toward recovery!
Thinking of you and hoping you are doing well! (((hugs)))
Lolledee--
Thanks for the supportive post. It taint easy but I know it is right! Apparently my son-in-law gave him $500 and he used it to pay on a title loan and then blew the rest on who knows what.
His Thanksgiving Day text today was--" I haven't eaten in two days. I hope you have a great day!"
Must say in the addict's manual that to use the "haven't eaten line" really gets a mom cause they never want their kids to be hungry! lol
Well at least I can finally laugh a little about it. It still is upsetting but we are hanging tough. I pray he finally gets that is is really over and tries recovery.
Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving--(((HUGS)))
Lori
Thanks for the supportive post. It taint easy but I know it is right! Apparently my son-in-law gave him $500 and he used it to pay on a title loan and then blew the rest on who knows what.
His Thanksgiving Day text today was--" I haven't eaten in two days. I hope you have a great day!"
Must say in the addict's manual that to use the "haven't eaten line" really gets a mom cause they never want their kids to be hungry! lol
Well at least I can finally laugh a little about it. It still is upsetting but we are hanging tough. I pray he finally gets that is is really over and tries recovery.
Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving--(((HUGS)))
Lori
Lori,
I am glad you heard from your son so you know he is ok. Why don't they ever have anything good to say? I get all kinds of crazy stories from mine. I hate hearing he has no place to sleep and no food....that is one of the worst. Some of the same stories I hear over and over like he forgot what he told me yesterday.
I was thinking of my son on Thanksgiving so I texted him. I hesitated because I wasn't sure what I would hear if he texted me back. I didnt want to start something since I am doing better and not enabling. I just wanted to let him know we were thinking of him. I got no response so I still don't know if he is ok or if he got my text. Maybe his cell phone is broken or lost. Maybe he just hates us. I am feeling kind of sad because I didn't hear anything so I don't know he is ok. Good news is he didn't show up at the door and cause a scene. I may try again on Christmas.
I am glad you heard from your son so you know he is ok. Why don't they ever have anything good to say? I get all kinds of crazy stories from mine. I hate hearing he has no place to sleep and no food....that is one of the worst. Some of the same stories I hear over and over like he forgot what he told me yesterday.
I was thinking of my son on Thanksgiving so I texted him. I hesitated because I wasn't sure what I would hear if he texted me back. I didnt want to start something since I am doing better and not enabling. I just wanted to let him know we were thinking of him. I got no response so I still don't know if he is ok or if he got my text. Maybe his cell phone is broken or lost. Maybe he just hates us. I am feeling kind of sad because I didn't hear anything so I don't know he is ok. Good news is he didn't show up at the door and cause a scene. I may try again on Christmas.
hi buggin - I feel the same way you do. even though my son is safe and not using for the past month, I hesitate to contact him bc I just don't want to hear bad news. He says WE never have anything good to say!
funny - I have to say that my son always said "all we do is talk about money - why cant we have a normal conversation?" because HE called and asked for Money - That's why we always talk about it. LOL (stop calling for money!) I grew to hate the word!
Recently - a month or so ago, he would talk for 45 minutes - a real conversation..... then would lay on the.... "I haven't eaten all day, was wondering if you could transfer something" really.....
the other bad stuff we talked about was bills and tickets and court dates, and storage unit, and on and on..... Even now, He says we only talk to him about Bad Stuff. HE's afraid to open his email.... LOL this latest statement sounds like the trick to make me stop bringing up the bad stuff that HE should be dealing with... throw on the guilt so I wont talk to him about his responsibility to take care of something - I will just do it myself.... ugh!
he is on the other side of the continent, in a good situation for now, and still the crappy details continue... and I know they will continue until HE fixes them....
He thinks by not talking about it, the bill collectors will stop..... they may stop temporarily, but they will be back, when he least expects it!
funny - I have to say that my son always said "all we do is talk about money - why cant we have a normal conversation?" because HE called and asked for Money - That's why we always talk about it. LOL (stop calling for money!) I grew to hate the word!
Recently - a month or so ago, he would talk for 45 minutes - a real conversation..... then would lay on the.... "I haven't eaten all day, was wondering if you could transfer something" really.....
the other bad stuff we talked about was bills and tickets and court dates, and storage unit, and on and on..... Even now, He says we only talk to him about Bad Stuff. HE's afraid to open his email.... LOL this latest statement sounds like the trick to make me stop bringing up the bad stuff that HE should be dealing with... throw on the guilt so I wont talk to him about his responsibility to take care of something - I will just do it myself.... ugh!
he is on the other side of the continent, in a good situation for now, and still the crappy details continue... and I know they will continue until HE fixes them....
He thinks by not talking about it, the bill collectors will stop..... they may stop temporarily, but they will be back, when he least expects it!
about the phone.... I have had the same panic thoughts when he did not answer his phone. one evening early October, we were talking and then texting about details of him coming home for a friends funeral. his phone dropped communication in the middle of our texting. I knew the phone probably died, but for the rest of the night, there was no response. usually he would plug it in and then at least say something.... the next day still silence. half of me thought the phone was dead or acting up.... half of me started to worry. I check his phone activity - there was no activity at all since the phone died the night before. so I was pretty sure the phone was dead. turns out his phone died and then he left it in someone's care where it drove away for the day. luckily he got it back..... but emotions go from ok to panic.... and back again.... no news is good news?
Lori - I realize from one of your posts that you stopped enabling 5 months ago. I think it does take a while for the situation to sink in for them and as they have less resources and less drugs, maybe it take a while for them to turn things around.... sorry you have to make such difficult decisions.
and sorry your son is having such a tough time, and I hope he does not loose the dogs.... also hope his opportunities get better soon.
Lollee - said it took a year for the reality to sink in?
glad you had a somewhat peaceful holiday. you are doing well handling the stress!
and sorry your son is having such a tough time, and I hope he does not loose the dogs.... also hope his opportunities get better soon.
Lollee - said it took a year for the reality to sink in?
glad you had a somewhat peaceful holiday. you are doing well handling the stress!
NY--
I am sitting here in front of my computer laughing out loud!! The conversation you posted with your son about talking only about money or bad things was word for word what my Chris says. He also said why can't we talk about normal things--hahah! Well because nothing is NORMAL!!! Duh!
Man it is so crazy how they say the same things! They must have a addict's conversational training school they all attend! lol!
Lori
I am sitting here in front of my computer laughing out loud!! The conversation you posted with your son about talking only about money or bad things was word for word what my Chris says. He also said why can't we talk about normal things--hahah! Well because nothing is NORMAL!!! Duh!
Man it is so crazy how they say the same things! They must have a addict's conversational training school they all attend! lol!
Lori
