I've just had a meeting with my sponsor. I'm a PushoverPeoplePleaser.
I was asked by a relatively (I thought) apologetic person to be his sponsor. He SEEMED to be genuine and I agreed, but was going to set some ground rules AND I wanted to bounce if off MY sponsor. Sponsor's got a 2-year rule of not sponsoring others for very good reasons which I won't get into right now, but they make sense--now!
I'm a People Pleaser: If people want or need me, I think they're sincere and not just trying to play me for sympathy, my time, manipulation, or more. I was reminded (today) that the alcoholic is a master of manipulation, deception, solicitation and using others. In fact, the potential sponsee immediately started setting limits on availability, making rules of engagement before beginning, laying the ground work for money and other 'needs,' and just genuine bad behavior. Not EVEN close to humility and honesty. The concensus from my sponsor is that he's been avoiding real "rigorous" honesty and manipulating others in other ways. Just when I thought I was over-coming character defects, there they are! To emphasize the point, MY HP just had to hammer home the fact that I wasn't ready through ANOTHER group member asking me for money in the parking lot. DAMMIT! DAMN IT!
I've got some 10th Step work to do tonight, but acceptance doesn't mean approval.
Grrrrr.
Ralph Waldo Emerson is reported to have said, "Why should my happinenss depend on the thoughts going on in someone else's head?"
Emotional maturity is like serenity. The more I have, the more I want.
I am reading Dr. Paul O.'s, "You Can't Make Me Angry,(1999, Capizon)" and, ~!!DING!!~ "I dislike myself when I act like a passive wimp or an aggressive bully. It feels good to feel good, and I want all the good feeling I can get. So it is with emotional independence.... Essentially, emotional maturity demand ongoing, total acceptance of people, places, things and situations as they are rather than as I might wish them to be."
When I react (or over-react) to YOU, I've given YOU control over my emotions, free to do with them as you wish. I THEN relinquish the right to control them on my own, and can blame my anger (d-anger) on YOU. I basically give up the responsibility for my own actions--and then it's easy to blame YOU for the outcome. Emotional maturity and emotional independence are crucial to my sobriety today.
Who knew?
Emotional maturity is like serenity. The more I have, the more I want.
I am reading Dr. Paul O.'s, "You Can't Make Me Angry,(1999, Capizon)" and, ~!!DING!!~ "I dislike myself when I act like a passive wimp or an aggressive bully. It feels good to feel good, and I want all the good feeling I can get. So it is with emotional independence.... Essentially, emotional maturity demand ongoing, total acceptance of people, places, things and situations as they are rather than as I might wish them to be."
When I react (or over-react) to YOU, I've given YOU control over my emotions, free to do with them as you wish. I THEN relinquish the right to control them on my own, and can blame my anger (d-anger) on YOU. I basically give up the responsibility for my own actions--and then it's easy to blame YOU for the outcome. Emotional maturity and emotional independence are crucial to my sobriety today.
Who knew?
| QUOTE |
| Many of us say that serenity and peace of mind are important to us. Our behavior, however, belies our words when we promptly discard our emotional sobriety at the slightest provocation provided by ridiculously unimportant people and events. For example, before recovery and early in sobriety I routinely threw my sobriety at other drivers on the freeway, people who didn't even WANT it. In fact, they didn't know they HAD it, until, by gestures, horn-blowing or erratic driving, I made them aware of how they had annoyed me! Many of us do things like this out of habit. Paul O. pg 22 |
| QUOTE |
| This business of BLAMING is important. When we're upset, as long as we can blame our emotional state on a situation or another person, we have a sense of power, a sense of control over the alleged cause of our problem. Having appointed ourselves judge, jury and executioner, and having declared someone else, "wrong," we feel superior to that person. Our thinking says suck things as, "You can't treat me like that! I'm not going to let you get away with this! You'll be sorry!" The more angry and abusive we become, the more powerful we feel. The more we lose control our emotions, the more we try to control others. Deep down we may suspect the foolishness of our position, but if we stop fighting, we'll have to give up this feeling of power. Also. The other person will have "won." pg 57 |
Good book, huh?
Yup. Wanna read it?
I've read it twice and am looking forward to three. Get "There's More to Quitting Drinking Than Quitting Drinking" by the same author. That's good too.
SKG...I can't thank you enough for posting this. I needed to read exactly what you wrote, especially the part about not liking yourself when you are being passive or a bully.
The sentiments have brought me to a place where I finally feel safe sharing what I've been going through. As most of you know, my bestfriend/boyfriend (ex now, but I'll get to that in a second), tried killing himself when I had 21 days sober. He then tried again when I had about 59 days sober and then the most recent happened mid-June. Sadly, three suicide attempts didn't warn me or make me leave. I thought I loved this man. I thought he was my soulmate and we'd end up being a success story. I should have known that my spirit wasn't settled with what my mind told me b/c I didn't tell you guys, anyone at meetings, and limited friends that we were still together. s***, two weeks ago we were talking marriage. If ever there has been an illustration in my life of God doing for me...this is it.
Thursday at lunch I went home. Though we don't live together we do live in the same complex. Long story short, he had met a past highschool friend three days earlier and I walked in on them. Mind you, I allowed the abuse and misuse for 26+ months but this is one area I will not tolerate: infidelity (emotional or physical). He told me his feelings changed for me in ONE NIGHT and that was all I needed to hear. I packed some bags and have been staying at my sisters since. He has called me tons but I never listened to any of the messages. He has sent text messages and I've automatically deleted them.
Here's more proof of God doing for me: I went to pick up my mail two days ago and of all times of the day, I looked out and he and his new girlfriend were pulling out of the driveway. Then the next morning I had to run and get gym socks so I stopped at my apartment. It was 7:40am and for as long as I've known this man, I've never known him to be up at this hour. He was sitting on the porch. I went to the back, got my socks from my apartment, and walked to my car until he chased me like a stalker asking for his playstation cable back...I got it and told him to leave me alone. He sent me a mean text message telling me to "go rot you pathetic psycho" (again, I must on some level need this 'hit' from him, as I was doing so well not looking at the text messages and then yesterday I relapsed. He left me alone all day until last night when (again, I needed the hit) he sent me a text message of a picture of his new girlfriends tattoo. Phew...that was a long story. If you've read it in its entirety, thank you. If not, I understand. :)
So this whole experience has been difficult and painful and it has given me a lot to ponder...like why do I tolerate this? Why do I need that "hit" from an abusive man? And I've got to admit, I've had moments of self-depreciation...he left me for a woman who lives in a half-way house, lost custody of her kids, and may be going back to jail soon. Ouch!!!! And then I remind myself that all I've got to do is keep my side of the street clean and no matter what...don't drink.
And every time the anger, the hurt, the pain, the obsessive thoughts come up, I say, "thank you God". This is a huge blessing in disguise. I logically recognize this but still, it does hurt at times.
Anyway...there you have it. By the grace of God, next Thursday I will have 6 months sober. Awhile back someone asked if anyone has had a rough first year of sobriety and I responded that my assumption is that we all have/do. I sure have had a difficult first six months, mind you, it has been self-imposed.
Thank you for listening.
The sentiments have brought me to a place where I finally feel safe sharing what I've been going through. As most of you know, my bestfriend/boyfriend (ex now, but I'll get to that in a second), tried killing himself when I had 21 days sober. He then tried again when I had about 59 days sober and then the most recent happened mid-June. Sadly, three suicide attempts didn't warn me or make me leave. I thought I loved this man. I thought he was my soulmate and we'd end up being a success story. I should have known that my spirit wasn't settled with what my mind told me b/c I didn't tell you guys, anyone at meetings, and limited friends that we were still together. s***, two weeks ago we were talking marriage. If ever there has been an illustration in my life of God doing for me...this is it.
Thursday at lunch I went home. Though we don't live together we do live in the same complex. Long story short, he had met a past highschool friend three days earlier and I walked in on them. Mind you, I allowed the abuse and misuse for 26+ months but this is one area I will not tolerate: infidelity (emotional or physical). He told me his feelings changed for me in ONE NIGHT and that was all I needed to hear. I packed some bags and have been staying at my sisters since. He has called me tons but I never listened to any of the messages. He has sent text messages and I've automatically deleted them.
Here's more proof of God doing for me: I went to pick up my mail two days ago and of all times of the day, I looked out and he and his new girlfriend were pulling out of the driveway. Then the next morning I had to run and get gym socks so I stopped at my apartment. It was 7:40am and for as long as I've known this man, I've never known him to be up at this hour. He was sitting on the porch. I went to the back, got my socks from my apartment, and walked to my car until he chased me like a stalker asking for his playstation cable back...I got it and told him to leave me alone. He sent me a mean text message telling me to "go rot you pathetic psycho" (again, I must on some level need this 'hit' from him, as I was doing so well not looking at the text messages and then yesterday I relapsed. He left me alone all day until last night when (again, I needed the hit) he sent me a text message of a picture of his new girlfriends tattoo. Phew...that was a long story. If you've read it in its entirety, thank you. If not, I understand. :)
So this whole experience has been difficult and painful and it has given me a lot to ponder...like why do I tolerate this? Why do I need that "hit" from an abusive man? And I've got to admit, I've had moments of self-depreciation...he left me for a woman who lives in a half-way house, lost custody of her kids, and may be going back to jail soon. Ouch!!!! And then I remind myself that all I've got to do is keep my side of the street clean and no matter what...don't drink.
And every time the anger, the hurt, the pain, the obsessive thoughts come up, I say, "thank you God". This is a huge blessing in disguise. I logically recognize this but still, it does hurt at times.
Anyway...there you have it. By the grace of God, next Thursday I will have 6 months sober. Awhile back someone asked if anyone has had a rough first year of sobriety and I responded that my assumption is that we all have/do. I sure have had a difficult first six months, mind you, it has been self-imposed.
Thank you for listening.
Hi Zipper WOW! I don't know what to say to you other than you are one tough cookie. I hope your hurt will fade fast and that you will soon be on your way to a happy stress free life. I think your HP is looking after you and you don't need this kind of person in your life. It's hard enough trying to get sober and stay sober when there isn't so much drama to deal with. I am sorry for what you have had to go through. Be thankful you learned to see the real side of him before you committed yourself to marriage. Let yourself grieve but don't let it consume your life and if the time comes when you miss him tell yourself you are not really missing him but missing whom you thought he was. We do so hang on to fanasties don't we? Good luck my friend and hug your cats cause you know the energy you get from them will be pure and real. God bless take care and smile no matter what..(((((( ))))))
That is exactly it, Pirate. I loved a facade of a man. I had a fantasy that it would all work out but deep down I have always known the type of man he is. I've heard and seen for myself how he uses people and then abuses them emotionally/verbally when they walk away. Again, I am reminding myself, when the pain comes, that I this is a blessing. It truly is.
Yesterday was the first day of complete silence from him. I was able to do a lot of writing and I came to one conclusion that I believe holds some truth. He had always been addicted to drama (much like me) and once I stopped drinking, I think I have become predictable, stable, and possibly mundane and boring. Have any of you felt this way the longer you stay sober?
Yesterday was the first day of complete silence from him. I was able to do a lot of writing and I came to one conclusion that I believe holds some truth. He had always been addicted to drama (much like me) and once I stopped drinking, I think I have become predictable, stable, and possibly mundane and boring. Have any of you felt this way the longer you stay sober?
Zipper for me yeah I feel boring and mundane and for the most part uncomfortable in my own skin. someday someday someday I might feel half human until then it's one day at a time. God bless and take care
Gidday Zipper
When i was drinking i needed drama to fuel the drinking and the pity i percieved others were giving me and also if there was a prisoner(partner) involved, then if they were part of the drama cool and even better they could be the blame for my behaviour etc etc
When i stopped drinking the part of me that needed drama, still did for about a year untill i realised that i i only looked for drama for the adrenalin kick i got and this went hand in hand with the beer buzz so i realised the ground was shaky and i needed to change direction again in my recovery.
Alcoholics im sure would make exceptional actors especially while active, because my whole world was one really eractic play that involved alcohol as the base, youre ex is busy living the drama and one of his key characters started writing there own script(you), being the director of all things he was rather unsettled by this as you have found out, but hey at least he has some more drama for his mind to work on.
He has done you a favour by just being himself, be grateful and dont be to hard on yourself, just learn from it and kick back and concentrate on recovery and the days will just keep getting better and better, one day at a time
light and love Zac
When i was drinking i needed drama to fuel the drinking and the pity i percieved others were giving me and also if there was a prisoner(partner) involved, then if they were part of the drama cool and even better they could be the blame for my behaviour etc etc
When i stopped drinking the part of me that needed drama, still did for about a year untill i realised that i i only looked for drama for the adrenalin kick i got and this went hand in hand with the beer buzz so i realised the ground was shaky and i needed to change direction again in my recovery.
Alcoholics im sure would make exceptional actors especially while active, because my whole world was one really eractic play that involved alcohol as the base, youre ex is busy living the drama and one of his key characters started writing there own script(you), being the director of all things he was rather unsettled by this as you have found out, but hey at least he has some more drama for his mind to work on.
He has done you a favour by just being himself, be grateful and dont be to hard on yourself, just learn from it and kick back and concentrate on recovery and the days will just keep getting better and better, one day at a time
light and love Zac
Excellent words of advise and wisdom, Zac. The part about me rewriting the script definitely resonated. Come to think of it, he made several references over the last 6 months that he missed the crazy, fun times we had when we drank together...
The last 2 days I've felt much more peaceful. Now if only I can find a new apartment...not for lack of trying have I not found one yet. Sleeping on my sisters sofa is starting to lose its appeal. :) Prayers for finding a new place for moi...
Thanks again Zac. Hugs.
The last 2 days I've felt much more peaceful. Now if only I can find a new apartment...not for lack of trying have I not found one yet. Sleeping on my sisters sofa is starting to lose its appeal. :) Prayers for finding a new place for moi...
Thanks again Zac. Hugs.
I didn't tell you guys, anyone at meetings, and limited friends that we were still together
One thing I've learned, Zippy, is that if I'm ashamed to tell someone something about my life, I probably shouldn't be doing it. I see so many people hiding their relationships. Sheesh, If I had to hide a guy I was supposedly in love with I'd definitely have to look at why I was hiding him. I have enough problems in my life without having to keep track of secrets and lies. I hate to say it but I hope he stays out of your life forever. You deserve better.
One thing I've learned, Zippy, is that if I'm ashamed to tell someone something about my life, I probably shouldn't be doing it. I see so many people hiding their relationships. Sheesh, If I had to hide a guy I was supposedly in love with I'd definitely have to look at why I was hiding him. I have enough problems in my life without having to keep track of secrets and lies. I hate to say it but I hope he stays out of your life forever. You deserve better.
12stepper...you are exactly right. Thanks for sharing that.
