Hi, I have been reading some of your replies and I thank you for such candor and honesty, at the cost of admitting your own defects. I have a queation that I'm hoping someone with experience can answer. I have the opinion of my trained therapist and my own gut intuition, but I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake by misjuding my ex's behavior.
My ex is an alcoholic and everything drug addict, but his drug of choice is crack cocaine. He's 49 and has been doing crack heavily for 7 years and everything else for over 30 years, since he was 17. As a last resort to save himself and our relationship, he went to detox for 5 days then an inpatient rehab for 23 days and came home. In 16 months he has admitted to 2 relapses, but maintains he is otherwise clean and sober. His recovery work (sponsor, 12-steps, meetings) has been very weak during his revovery and he only gets serious about it when I've had enough and kick him out. Otherwise, his behavior has not changed one bit from the time he was actively using to now supposedly clean and sober. He's so verbally abusive, screaming at MY kids and I every day, spitting in my face, breaking things, walking on egg shells around him daily. He shows me the AA book, the chapter on the family after the addict gets home, and reads how his "instability" is to be expected in early recovery. And that I need to be patient and tolerant with him.
He had me brainwashed until last month his anger got so out of control that I had to kick him out of my house, again! I know that there is no justifiable reason to accept any abuse, but I keep wondering if maybe this is due to the fact that he never got clean. He's 49 and has been doing crack heavily for 7 years and everything else for over 30 years, since he was 17. My therapist tells me that if curing a 30+ year drug and alcohol addiction would be as easy as attending a rehab for less than 30-days then there would be very few addicts in the world.
I'm just confused as my ex is painting the picture that he's doing great these days and remains clean and sober. I'm wondering if maybe I am the crazy one and misjudged early recovery behavior for drug-induced behavior. He is a hard-core addict with 2 arrests and a flavor for anything he can get his hands on. I believed he got clean because he said he was sick of the drug life and wanted to make a change for us.
Wishful thinking or follow my gut instincts??
Your not crazy, maybe a bit to hard on yourself- this guy is using the fact that he is in recovery to excuse his behaviour- most people in early recovery try very hard to prove they have changed, that speaks for itself- this guy appears to be behaving like any addict in active addiction(i may be wrong) regardless of whether he is in recovery or not he is responsible for his actions- i think your gut instinct is right, you need to put yourself and your kids first- get out of that relationship - he is doing all the taking and giving you nothing back- by using his recovery as an excuse for his behaviour he is trying to manipulate you into excusing his behaviour, no matter how bad- again typical addict behaviour- if you have any doubt about his recovery- trust your gut- not this guy, trust has to be earned, it takes alot of time and effort to regain the trust of someone who has been hurt by the activities of an addict, as i am learning right now- actions speak volumes, not promises or good intentions- i think you know in your heart what needs to be done for your future happiness and peace of mind- i wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you reach-
Sunny:
I believe that Al-Anon & Nar-Anon meetings would be of great benefit to you.
Those folks could help you get your life in order.
Your ex sounds like typical untreated alcoholism .. garden variety.
I'm trying to figure out why the "EX" has such control over you.
You can address that in Al-Anon / Nar-Anon with the help of the oldtimers.
All the best.
Bob R
I believe that Al-Anon & Nar-Anon meetings would be of great benefit to you.
Those folks could help you get your life in order.
Your ex sounds like typical untreated alcoholism .. garden variety.
I'm trying to figure out why the "EX" has such control over you.
You can address that in Al-Anon / Nar-Anon with the help of the oldtimers.
All the best.
Bob R
Thank you BOTH Travelin Man and Papa Bear!! Your concern to take the time to answer my questions is sooo helpful.
Papa Bear, I know why my ex-fiance has so much control over me - I am a codependent due to unresolved issues. I'm working on those issues and WILL likely attend some Al-Anon meetings again, in addition to some coda meetings and my regular therapy sessions.
The problem is during the chaos of my own issues I fell in-love with and got engaged to a terrible addict. It's not just alcoholism, his drug of choice is crack and he's done everything he can get his hands on. I already made the decision to walk away, as the abuse was too severe. I guess I'm still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together and I'm feeling that he lied to me about getting clean and sober.
Travelin Man, thank you for your concern about the safety for my kids and I. I've never had any other involvement with addiction and I was just looking for someone to say "wake up sweetie and open your eyes to what's going on under your nose." I know it's impossible to know with certainty what he's up to, but I was hoping others would recognize similar behavior with their loved ones. I've heard addicts are very clever at deceiving and projecting and I feel that he played me. So...well played sir, well played indeed!
It breaks my heart to hear you say to us partners involved in romantic relationships with addicts to walk away if we can, because I know this is the right thing for me to do. He's not trustworthy and I believe he is still in active addiction as we speak. I lived with him while he was using for 1 1/2 years and the latter 1 1/2 were no different. I was waiting for the recovery change. He actually became worse, and I was/am so confused?!?!
Thank you both for taking your time to reach out to the families of addicts!
Papa Bear, I know why my ex-fiance has so much control over me - I am a codependent due to unresolved issues. I'm working on those issues and WILL likely attend some Al-Anon meetings again, in addition to some coda meetings and my regular therapy sessions.
The problem is during the chaos of my own issues I fell in-love with and got engaged to a terrible addict. It's not just alcoholism, his drug of choice is crack and he's done everything he can get his hands on. I already made the decision to walk away, as the abuse was too severe. I guess I'm still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together and I'm feeling that he lied to me about getting clean and sober.
Travelin Man, thank you for your concern about the safety for my kids and I. I've never had any other involvement with addiction and I was just looking for someone to say "wake up sweetie and open your eyes to what's going on under your nose." I know it's impossible to know with certainty what he's up to, but I was hoping others would recognize similar behavior with their loved ones. I've heard addicts are very clever at deceiving and projecting and I feel that he played me. So...well played sir, well played indeed!
It breaks my heart to hear you say to us partners involved in romantic relationships with addicts to walk away if we can, because I know this is the right thing for me to do. He's not trustworthy and I believe he is still in active addiction as we speak. I lived with him while he was using for 1 1/2 years and the latter 1 1/2 were no different. I was waiting for the recovery change. He actually became worse, and I was/am so confused?!?!
Thank you both for taking your time to reach out to the families of addicts!
unfortunately the famillys and loved ones end up paying a far bigger price for our addictions- i know it is not easy to walk away from someone you care about- i have done this recently myself- the truth is hard to face sometimes but deep down i think we come to the realisation that the relationship is not meant to be- you seem to be doing all the right things to get the help and support that you need- this is a wise move- i wish i didnt have to be so pesamystic about your situation- addiction damages so many people beyond the addict themselves and quite often these people get lost in the concern for the addict- i truly hope you manage to move on and find some true happiness for you and your kids- i wish you all the best- keep posting here if you need any support - there are some really great people here who are always willing to help - all the best
