My b/f is about 2 months sober. Of course we had serious problems when he was using, but it seems as though they are so much worse now that he is sober. He's working a program, I am too and we both seem to be doing the right thing as far as our individual issues go. However, we can't, and I mean CAN'T get along. He is so moody, grouchy and very distant. He's not affectionate, he zones in on T.V. all the time when we're together, which isn't much anymore. He's taking up all of his time and the time we could be together with Flag football or anything that doesn't involve me. I have told him several times that there is no need to stay in something he doesn't want to be in. I have opened that door so many times in the last 2 weeks and he says the same things.. I love you, I want to be with you... Things will get better.. We'll, they're not. It's almost like anytime I say, hey, I need love, I need affection, he get angry. He's lost all patience. I am beside myself with emotions and resentment. No matter how I try to word things, talk to him, whatever, he just shuts down. I guess my question is this: Do you detach from loved ones in early recovery? Is anything I am describing normal? I think I am wondering if this is an alcohol issue, or if maybe we've just grown apart. Any help would be much appreciated and welcome. Thanks!
His brain and his body are going thru lots of changes....kinda like shock treatment.
Then there are the cravings this too can contribute to his moods.
From what i have experienced with ex-abf I would say what you are experiencing is quite normal.
Not a happy time, I know!
Dolly
Then there are the cravings this too can contribute to his moods.
From what i have experienced with ex-abf I would say what you are experiencing is quite normal.
Not a happy time, I know!
Dolly
Thanks Dolly. This has been some rollercoaster I've been on.
Hi:) In my opinion, it's perfectly normal, i don't mean to be too blunt, but my husband is the same way, and he seems to think i am a piece of meet now that i am sober, and i've found that that is what he has turned to now that he doesn't have his alcohol. Yeah....it would be nice if he made me feel like a woman....but no....he just waNTS TO GET LAID. no way:l(
p.s. i AM LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT WORDS....BUT IF YOU'VE READ MY PREVIOUS POSTS, I SUCK WITH WORDS..but, i can so relate to the not getting along and i found out that my H just doesn't want me to move on.:( He has me exactly where he wants me;( He does not want to be me anywhere but with him, and that will probably be harder to escape from than my alcoholism;((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
p.s. i AM LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT WORDS....BUT IF YOU'VE READ MY PREVIOUS POSTS, I SUCK WITH WORDS..but, i can so relate to the not getting along and i found out that my H just doesn't want me to move on.:( He has me exactly where he wants me;( He does not want to be me anywhere but with him, and that will probably be harder to escape from than my alcoholism;((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Jayde: Thanks for being blunt, that's the best way to be! I have to say this... we don't have sex. He's cut me off from any affection at all and blames it all on how we "aren't getting along" and all that. I'm trying my best to go along with all of this, but after 2 straight weeks of being put off and having your feelings hurt, it's really hard to keep your mouth shut. He's disrespectful and talks to me really mean. The best way I can put it is that he is really cold. Cold is the best word I have for him right now.
So did your husband quit drinking to support your recovery? I have done the same and that is just fine with me. I don't resent that at all, I just resent not being part of his life much. It seems like he only wanted or needed me when he was done with his binging and I had told him I was through. Then it was phone calls crying and begging me not to go away, he couldn't stand the thought of not having me in his life. It's SO confusing!!!!
So did your husband quit drinking to support your recovery? I have done the same and that is just fine with me. I don't resent that at all, I just resent not being part of his life much. It seems like he only wanted or needed me when he was done with his binging and I had told him I was through. Then it was phone calls crying and begging me not to go away, he couldn't stand the thought of not having me in his life. It's SO confusing!!!!
Are you going to alanon? Is that what you mean when you say you are both in your recovery? If he is committed and appears to be in active recovery (i.e. not just being resigned to being a dry drunk) then I would say hang in there for while. Do things that you like to do while he gets cranky watching the footie or wallowing. You will have a tolerance level for sure, but try looking after your own life by doing all the things you like doing.. maybe go for a facial or a manicure or organise a night with the girls. Do active things outdoors, put his recovery and moodiness out of your mind.
If he is taking his recovery seriously, then the mean attitude towards you should disappear. I hated this mean attitude. When he behaved like this, I would walk away, and if there was a shred of bullying to be found in his tone of voice, I would walk away.. Unfortunately, my ex didn't succeed in his recovery and I had to walk away. This doesn't mean it won't work for your H. It takes so much time. Be sure to take time away from him and let him at it. Don't put up with anything that you makes you feel uncomforable.
I hope he gets over this hump. If you aren't going to alanon, its such a good idea that you do. That helped me so much understand the ups and downs of my ex... or at least showed me how to cope with it.
Best of luck. Do you have the book "alanon - for family and friends of alcoholics" it tells so many stories of how people got on with the alcoholic in their lives.
If he is taking his recovery seriously, then the mean attitude towards you should disappear. I hated this mean attitude. When he behaved like this, I would walk away, and if there was a shred of bullying to be found in his tone of voice, I would walk away.. Unfortunately, my ex didn't succeed in his recovery and I had to walk away. This doesn't mean it won't work for your H. It takes so much time. Be sure to take time away from him and let him at it. Don't put up with anything that you makes you feel uncomforable.
I hope he gets over this hump. If you aren't going to alanon, its such a good idea that you do. That helped me so much understand the ups and downs of my ex... or at least showed me how to cope with it.
Best of luck. Do you have the book "alanon - for family and friends of alcoholics" it tells so many stories of how people got on with the alcoholic in their lives.
I can only speak for myself...but early in my recovery I was a jumble of raw emotions especially when I hit right around 90 days and my Sponsor said, "You're right where you are suppose to be..., you're just starting to thaw out". As time has gone on, I've been able to connect with myself and find out who I am and what I like and don't like...you guys are probably on an emotional roller coaster right now and if you are both working a program things should start to improve or perhaps may change too. Hope this helps.
Hi Jmilan
sorry you are having such a rough time. If you truly love this man and want to be with him I'd say give it some more time. A minimum of 6 months or so of his being sober before you make your decision.
Getting and staying sober is very hard - and does seem to require a level of selfishness for a while in order to get our heads back on straight.
Remember, alcohol numbs emotions if your b/f has been drinking a long time then all the feelings he's numbed for years are now starting to come back to him and he has to deal with them. this is hard stuff to handle.
I'm not saying its right that he treats you shi**y, its not. But, it could well just be a phase of his recovery that can be worked through.
Also, the poster who suggested Alanon has it right too, they can help you - its good to be around people who understand exactly what's going on with you and your b/f.
all the best to you.
Idgie
sorry you are having such a rough time. If you truly love this man and want to be with him I'd say give it some more time. A minimum of 6 months or so of his being sober before you make your decision.
Getting and staying sober is very hard - and does seem to require a level of selfishness for a while in order to get our heads back on straight.
Remember, alcohol numbs emotions if your b/f has been drinking a long time then all the feelings he's numbed for years are now starting to come back to him and he has to deal with them. this is hard stuff to handle.
I'm not saying its right that he treats you shi**y, its not. But, it could well just be a phase of his recovery that can be worked through.
Also, the poster who suggested Alanon has it right too, they can help you - its good to be around people who understand exactly what's going on with you and your b/f.
all the best to you.
Idgie
Thanks Laurax, vwgirl and idgie:
I apprreciate all your responses, it helped a lot. I am in Coda and hit one alanon meeting a week. I don't have that book though, I'll check on that. He's been a little better in the last few days, but I've also been staying busy and giving him all the space he needs. We're both just a big ball of emotions right now and I pray daily that things will even out soon. thanks again.
jess
I apprreciate all your responses, it helped a lot. I am in Coda and hit one alanon meeting a week. I don't have that book though, I'll check on that. He's been a little better in the last few days, but I've also been staying busy and giving him all the space he needs. We're both just a big ball of emotions right now and I pray daily that things will even out soon. thanks again.
jess
Hi, Jess:
Hope you had a good weekend. Sounds like you're doing the right thing to just take time and give some space. Just don't let him treat you with disrespect or be mean to you. You don't deserve it, and it's totally unnecessary, regardless of the changes occuring in either of your lives. Take care.
Hope you had a good weekend. Sounds like you're doing the right thing to just take time and give some space. Just don't let him treat you with disrespect or be mean to you. You don't deserve it, and it's totally unnecessary, regardless of the changes occuring in either of your lives. Take care.
Hey worried wife, be sure to email me when you want to get together. I'm looking forward to it!
