I have so many fears and anxiety built up inside me.........as I am sure all of us addicts do. But I dont know how to get them out.
Instead, I let them build up inside of me, until it explodes and I do something incredibly stupid and out of character for me.
I am now in therapy but I still dont feel like I can "let go" of it...........I "talk" but I dont really talk about alot of things.
Does this make sense to anyone else? Or am I as weird as I think I am?
I just feel like there is no way in hell a Psychiatrist can relate, I dont think he was ever a pill addict. I told him I felt that way, but he insists he can help.
I dont know, I leave feeling "weird" after every session.
Just pondering tonight.
I don't know Jodi..when I was in therapy, I blabbed like an idiot..about nothing...really stupid things..nothing "profound" thats for sure...
Guess what, he pretty much figured out a lot of stuff by me talking about things I thought were really inane
It's been said here before..sometimes a cigar is just a cigar..
Make sense?
Guess what, he pretty much figured out a lot of stuff by me talking about things I thought were really inane
It's been said here before..sometimes a cigar is just a cigar..
Make sense?
I got ya Danny........
I guess its just a weird-weird feeling being asked very personal question by basically a stranger. I have a hard time with it.
The akward pauses drive me insane, and I sit there and try to think up a "the answer he wants to hear" rather than the real answer.
I am working on it, that is what counts right?
Just have to stop caring what others think of me at this point.
Surely, he has seen stranger ones than me, or has he??? :)
I guess its just a weird-weird feeling being asked very personal question by basically a stranger. I have a hard time with it.
The akward pauses drive me insane, and I sit there and try to think up a "the answer he wants to hear" rather than the real answer.
I am working on it, that is what counts right?
Just have to stop caring what others think of me at this point.
Surely, he has seen stranger ones than me, or has he??? :)
You know, as I am going through this, I feel closer to you guys who don't know me and I don't know you , than I do to my husband.
I know what you are saying about your psychiatrist. I don't know ,if someone who has not been here, can really understand.
Like my husband is very supportive and concerned, but, I know he thinks this is my fault. And it is......... but......once I tasted that hydrocodone, I was hooked!
Yet, it was me who kept taking it, ordering more from online pharmacies etc. etc.
etc.
Do you think you need to find a new psychiatrist? Just wondering.......
Gracie
I know what you are saying about your psychiatrist. I don't know ,if someone who has not been here, can really understand.
Like my husband is very supportive and concerned, but, I know he thinks this is my fault. And it is......... but......once I tasted that hydrocodone, I was hooked!
Yet, it was me who kept taking it, ordering more from online pharmacies etc. etc.
etc.
Do you think you need to find a new psychiatrist? Just wondering.......
Gracie
Gracie you said:
"Like my husband is very supportive and concerned, but, I know he thinks this is my fault. And it is......... but......once I tasted that hydrocodone, I was hooked! Yet, it was me who kept taking it, ordering more from online pharmacies etc. "
Oh my gosh that is so so familiar..............My gosh, small world. The guilt is what kills too.
I actually like the Phsychiatrist and almost feel sorry for him a bit :) He is very good to me, and seems well educated, I just HAVE to get comfortable with this like it or not........
So So good to meet you here.........
Big Hugs.
"Like my husband is very supportive and concerned, but, I know he thinks this is my fault. And it is......... but......once I tasted that hydrocodone, I was hooked! Yet, it was me who kept taking it, ordering more from online pharmacies etc. "
Oh my gosh that is so so familiar..............My gosh, small world. The guilt is what kills too.
I actually like the Phsychiatrist and almost feel sorry for him a bit :) He is very good to me, and seems well educated, I just HAVE to get comfortable with this like it or not........
So So good to meet you here.........
Big Hugs.
Jody- Forget the answer he wants to hear...because who knows what he wants to hear...
I might be wrong, but I think they kind of just "sift" through all the conversations and kind of take what they need (which might be more than we think)...
Those pauses...well, I was a little paranoid at first of them but it seems like they are sorting things out I guess..and trying to steer the conversation...and pehpas looking to shift to something different but possibly related...
These people are pro's at extracting stuff without us knowing it
I might be wrong, but I think they kind of just "sift" through all the conversations and kind of take what they need (which might be more than we think)...
Those pauses...well, I was a little paranoid at first of them but it seems like they are sorting things out I guess..and trying to steer the conversation...and pehpas looking to shift to something different but possibly related...
These people are pro's at extracting stuff without us knowing it
I have seen a few therapists in my day..lol. I never found one that I could relate to and be completely honest. That is a huge deal...just to find someone that you click with.
It definitely makes therapy easier and way more valuable. For me...I found that I don't relate at all to male therapists. I just don't. Not sure if it is a deep seeded trust issue or what.
I have a female therapist and she is great. I am getting alot from her and don't feel the least bit intimated, embarrassed or that need to "say what they want to hear" Just a suggestion...maybe find a different therapist...a women perhaps.
Good for you though Jodi...you are working at it.
It definitely makes therapy easier and way more valuable. For me...I found that I don't relate at all to male therapists. I just don't. Not sure if it is a deep seeded trust issue or what.
I have a female therapist and she is great. I am getting alot from her and don't feel the least bit intimated, embarrassed or that need to "say what they want to hear" Just a suggestion...maybe find a different therapist...a women perhaps.
Good for you though Jodi...you are working at it.
Kee-
We have both had our fair share it sounds like lol
I have actually had a women therapist or two and I am the opposite..........I feel as if they are judging me or something.............weird but true.
With men I seem to open up more, I would of thought the opposite would be true..........but
I am a weird one I guess :)
Big Hugs to ya girl.
We have both had our fair share it sounds like lol
I have actually had a women therapist or two and I am the opposite..........I feel as if they are judging me or something.............weird but true.
With men I seem to open up more, I would of thought the opposite would be true..........but
I am a weird one I guess :)
Big Hugs to ya girl.
Danny-
"Extracting" is a great word to use..........
So far is worse than having my wisdom teeth extracted :)
j-k of course...........I think I am getting somewhere with it, I am just slow.
Hugs.
"Extracting" is a great word to use..........
So far is worse than having my wisdom teeth extracted :)
j-k of course...........I think I am getting somewhere with it, I am just slow.
Hugs.
F2F, when I started talking, it was a miracle I ever shut up...
Sweet Jodi ~
A lesson I learned that I thought I would share with you. In her autobiography, Therese of Lisieux describes what she considers as one of the key moments of conversion in her life:
She was the youngest in her family and her father's favorite. He doted on her and every year when the family came home from church on Christmas Eve, he had a little ritual he played out as he gave a gift to her, his youngest and favorite daughter.
One Christmas Eve when Therese was nine years old and still tender and sad from her mother's death, as the family returned home from church, she overheard her father tell one of her older sisters that he hoped that, this year, he would no longer had to play that little, childish charade with Therese.
Overhearing this, Therese, a deeply sensitive child, was stung to the core, felt betrayed, and fell into a long period of silence and depression. Eventually she emerged from it and regained her resiliency and joy. Looking back on it years later, she saw her giving up of that particular hurt, and the hypersensitivity that provoked it, as one of the key moments of conversion in her whole life.
We usually wouldn't define overcoming sensitivity as a religious conversion, but it is precisely that, a conversion with immense religious and emotional repercussions. Our happiness depends upon having the resiliency to accept the many hurts, disappointments, and injustices of life so as to live in the give- and-take that is required for family and community living. And we learn that lesson slowly.
The older I get, the more I am coming to know how sensitive people are and how easily they get hurt. It doesn't take much for someone to ruin your day. We don't just get hurt when we meet open hostility, insults, unfairness, or hatred. We can get deeply hurt just by overhearing a casual remark or simply by not being noticed, appreciated, or invited. The human heart is easily bruised, too easily.
And then, like Therese, the impulse is to withdraw, withhold, grow silent, nurse the wound, become depressed, grow cold. That is why we are often so cautious and paranoid inside of our families and communities. We don't want to be cold, but we're hurt.
Moreover that doesn't bring out the best in us. Pettiness too often spawns pettiness. Thomas Aquinas once suggested that we have two souls inside us: an anima magna (a grand soul) and an anima pusilla (a petty soul). When we act out of our grand soul, we are generous, hospitable, big-hearted, and warm. Conversely, when we act out of our petty soul, we are paranoid, bitter, over-protective, cautious, and small-hearted. When we feel hurt it is all too easy to act out of the petty half of our souls.
We know the truth of that from everyday experience: One minute we can be feeling generous, hospitable, and big-hearted, and then an insult or a simple slight can trigger feelings of disappointment, bitterness, and pettiness. Which is really us? They both are! Everything depends, day to day, minute to minute, upon which soul we are drawing our vision and energy from at a given moment.
Of course we can always rationalize our bitterness, coldness, and pettiness by appealing to our sensitivity. We feel slights and insults deeply precisely because we are deep. There's truth in that. The more sensitive we are, the more deeply we will feel both love and its betrayal. But, and this is the point, we need, like Therese, to see our hypersensitivity as something to be converted from so that we can be resilient enough to absorb the bumps and bruises of everyday living. Nobody can live for any length of time within a family or a community without hurting others and without getting hurt. The challenge is to have the resiliency to live with that.
Daniel Berrigan once commented that if Jesus came back today he would go into every counseling office in the world and drive out both the doctors and their clients with the words: "Take up your couch and walk! You don't have to be this sensitive!"
Perhaps that's strong, but it contains an important challenge to conversion. Henri Nouwen used to say that one of the key elements in spiritual conversion is to move from hostility to hospitality. All major spiritualities tell us the same thing.
In Tibetan Buddhism, the bowl is the image for resentment. In it is contained all our bitterness, disappointment, and disillusionment. We sit holding that bowl in our hands. We can either pour it forwards, so that the resentment flows away from us, or we can tip it onto ourselves, allowing all that poison to infect us. Our happiness depends upon which way we tip that bowl.
How can we let go of our hypersensitivity? A priest that I know once gave me this advice: Whenever you feel stung and hurt, pull away, sit in prayer, and stay there until the pain softens enough so that you can face others with warmth again. And this was one of the most important lessons I have learned in life - it's ok to pull away and give myself the time it takes in order to respond to whatever the situation may be that is causing me to hurt, until I can learn to respond from a place of love. I like to think of it as being proactive, instead of reactive in my life.
Namaste', my dear, Jodi ~
Sammy
A lesson I learned that I thought I would share with you. In her autobiography, Therese of Lisieux describes what she considers as one of the key moments of conversion in her life:
She was the youngest in her family and her father's favorite. He doted on her and every year when the family came home from church on Christmas Eve, he had a little ritual he played out as he gave a gift to her, his youngest and favorite daughter.
One Christmas Eve when Therese was nine years old and still tender and sad from her mother's death, as the family returned home from church, she overheard her father tell one of her older sisters that he hoped that, this year, he would no longer had to play that little, childish charade with Therese.
Overhearing this, Therese, a deeply sensitive child, was stung to the core, felt betrayed, and fell into a long period of silence and depression. Eventually she emerged from it and regained her resiliency and joy. Looking back on it years later, she saw her giving up of that particular hurt, and the hypersensitivity that provoked it, as one of the key moments of conversion in her whole life.
We usually wouldn't define overcoming sensitivity as a religious conversion, but it is precisely that, a conversion with immense religious and emotional repercussions. Our happiness depends upon having the resiliency to accept the many hurts, disappointments, and injustices of life so as to live in the give- and-take that is required for family and community living. And we learn that lesson slowly.
The older I get, the more I am coming to know how sensitive people are and how easily they get hurt. It doesn't take much for someone to ruin your day. We don't just get hurt when we meet open hostility, insults, unfairness, or hatred. We can get deeply hurt just by overhearing a casual remark or simply by not being noticed, appreciated, or invited. The human heart is easily bruised, too easily.
And then, like Therese, the impulse is to withdraw, withhold, grow silent, nurse the wound, become depressed, grow cold. That is why we are often so cautious and paranoid inside of our families and communities. We don't want to be cold, but we're hurt.
Moreover that doesn't bring out the best in us. Pettiness too often spawns pettiness. Thomas Aquinas once suggested that we have two souls inside us: an anima magna (a grand soul) and an anima pusilla (a petty soul). When we act out of our grand soul, we are generous, hospitable, big-hearted, and warm. Conversely, when we act out of our petty soul, we are paranoid, bitter, over-protective, cautious, and small-hearted. When we feel hurt it is all too easy to act out of the petty half of our souls.
We know the truth of that from everyday experience: One minute we can be feeling generous, hospitable, and big-hearted, and then an insult or a simple slight can trigger feelings of disappointment, bitterness, and pettiness. Which is really us? They both are! Everything depends, day to day, minute to minute, upon which soul we are drawing our vision and energy from at a given moment.
Of course we can always rationalize our bitterness, coldness, and pettiness by appealing to our sensitivity. We feel slights and insults deeply precisely because we are deep. There's truth in that. The more sensitive we are, the more deeply we will feel both love and its betrayal. But, and this is the point, we need, like Therese, to see our hypersensitivity as something to be converted from so that we can be resilient enough to absorb the bumps and bruises of everyday living. Nobody can live for any length of time within a family or a community without hurting others and without getting hurt. The challenge is to have the resiliency to live with that.
Daniel Berrigan once commented that if Jesus came back today he would go into every counseling office in the world and drive out both the doctors and their clients with the words: "Take up your couch and walk! You don't have to be this sensitive!"
Perhaps that's strong, but it contains an important challenge to conversion. Henri Nouwen used to say that one of the key elements in spiritual conversion is to move from hostility to hospitality. All major spiritualities tell us the same thing.
In Tibetan Buddhism, the bowl is the image for resentment. In it is contained all our bitterness, disappointment, and disillusionment. We sit holding that bowl in our hands. We can either pour it forwards, so that the resentment flows away from us, or we can tip it onto ourselves, allowing all that poison to infect us. Our happiness depends upon which way we tip that bowl.
How can we let go of our hypersensitivity? A priest that I know once gave me this advice: Whenever you feel stung and hurt, pull away, sit in prayer, and stay there until the pain softens enough so that you can face others with warmth again. And this was one of the most important lessons I have learned in life - it's ok to pull away and give myself the time it takes in order to respond to whatever the situation may be that is causing me to hurt, until I can learn to respond from a place of love. I like to think of it as being proactive, instead of reactive in my life.
Namaste', my dear, Jodi ~
Sammy
wow! I had to read and reread several lines of your post to be able to comprehend all that you are saying. I am going to read it again tomorrow in the
daylight to see what more I can extract from your words of wisdom. Thanks
Good night! Gracie
daylight to see what more I can extract from your words of wisdom. Thanks
Good night! Gracie
Hey Jodi babe,
i read that first post and said 'hmm, i could have written that'.
same things, pent up anger,
shoving it all down until you blow up in pure rage.
i've gone to this psych for about 3 mo. and i always forgetwhat i've been feeling (weird huh?) or just don't want to say anything about it...
write me ...i'll email when i can.
loves
stac
i read that first post and said 'hmm, i could have written that'.
same things, pent up anger,
shoving it all down until you blow up in pure rage.
i've gone to this psych for about 3 mo. and i always forgetwhat i've been feeling (weird huh?) or just don't want to say anything about it...
write me ...i'll email when i can.
loves
stac
Javagirl, if you are not comfortable with your psychatrist, that could be bad. I'm not saying ditch him if you have only seen him a week or 2. Most of these docs know thier stuff, and the first thing they are taught to master thier profession is patience. Just remember one thing, when you are in that room, you are not using..so that is a positive right there.
My fiancee is a family therapist, and it's an unwritten rule,but also a survey taken a couple of years ago which I thought was interesting.
Male patients usually have no problems dealing with either female or male pateitns.
Female Patients (by this survey) have had greater success with female psychologist. Remember, to get to where they are they did the whole college thing, and probably have skeletons in thier closet themselves, which could actually be a good thing in your situation. I'm not being chauvaninsitic, I'm just basing this on actual survey's. My psychartrist is female, took me about a month to open up to her, thanks to xanax.
You have to take baby steps. In about an hour I will be 9 days clean, believe it it or not, it seemed like day 1 yesterday. My appetitie is back, getting my energy back, and starting to feel great. We all make mistakes, some larger than others, but in our cases, in most cases, we can make it right. You will be in my prayers tonight. - Chris
My fiancee is a family therapist, and it's an unwritten rule,but also a survey taken a couple of years ago which I thought was interesting.
Male patients usually have no problems dealing with either female or male pateitns.
Female Patients (by this survey) have had greater success with female psychologist. Remember, to get to where they are they did the whole college thing, and probably have skeletons in thier closet themselves, which could actually be a good thing in your situation. I'm not being chauvaninsitic, I'm just basing this on actual survey's. My psychartrist is female, took me about a month to open up to her, thanks to xanax.
You have to take baby steps. In about an hour I will be 9 days clean, believe it it or not, it seemed like day 1 yesterday. My appetitie is back, getting my energy back, and starting to feel great. We all make mistakes, some larger than others, but in our cases, in most cases, we can make it right. You will be in my prayers tonight. - Chris
((((((((((((((((((java jodi honey girl))))))))))))))))
i sure do miss you............
so glad to see you posting and your familiar avatar..... *smile*
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
love you jodi..........
God Bless you honey............
thumper
i sure do miss you............
so glad to see you posting and your familiar avatar..... *smile*
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
love you jodi..........
God Bless you honey............
thumper
Sammy- You leave me Speechless............Wow. I will re-read that several times as well. You are amazing. Absolutely.
Chris and Grace Thank you two as well..........It so good to not feel alone in this thing.
Stacey girl, Thumps................I miss you so............Love you sweet girls.
Hugs.
Chris and Grace Thank you two as well..........It so good to not feel alone in this thing.
Stacey girl, Thumps................I miss you so............Love you sweet girls.
Hugs.
Sammy you are so naughty:) When you write YOUR words of wisdom and bathe in the glory do you not feel at least a tinge of guilt that you plagairise those words and do not give the writer credit.
http://www.wcr.ab.ca/columns/rolhei...ser040207.shtml
http://www.wcr.ab.ca/columns/rolhei...ser040207.shtml
Jodigirl....Ill admit I only read your first post & not the replies.But I wanted you to know(boy if we werent related in a past life)I totally 110% understand this.Thats why it took so long for me to get into therapy.
I always felt...Well hell thier getting paid to listen & it doesnt mean they truley understand.
Huny they do in a way.To me it is helping talking with my therapist because there ARENT emotional involvments,like there are with Mikey,or my family therefore he can give me a total objective opinion.
Maybe you should mention this to your therapist & he/she can help you work it out where you feel comfortable opening up more.
Ok gotta say it...though Im not a therapist....YOU should know anything is game when talking with me.Hell my sis you can write a 5 page letter just expressing yourself & I wont judge or anything.and sometimes just exprssing yourself can take such a load off
In case I need to spell it out.....WRITE ME MY DEAR FRIEND!!! I cannot tell you how many times my writing & opening up to you helped me exhale.
give it a try if you like
You know I love you my evil twin!!!!
Love Brina Lee......Molly
I always felt...Well hell thier getting paid to listen & it doesnt mean they truley understand.
Huny they do in a way.To me it is helping talking with my therapist because there ARENT emotional involvments,like there are with Mikey,or my family therefore he can give me a total objective opinion.
Maybe you should mention this to your therapist & he/she can help you work it out where you feel comfortable opening up more.
Ok gotta say it...though Im not a therapist....YOU should know anything is game when talking with me.Hell my sis you can write a 5 page letter just expressing yourself & I wont judge or anything.and sometimes just exprssing yourself can take such a load off
In case I need to spell it out.....WRITE ME MY DEAR FRIEND!!! I cannot tell you how many times my writing & opening up to you helped me exhale.
give it a try if you like
You know I love you my evil twin!!!!
Love Brina Lee......Molly
Bathe in their Glory, Midnightrider? You gotta be kidding me; however, thank you for pointing out that Fr. Rolheiser was the original author of most of the lesson I so aptly pointed out that I learned.
Frequently, I post messages that Fr. Rolheiser has written and more oft than not, give credit where credit is due. The mere fact that it was very late for me last night when I read Jodi's plea, took me to the thoughts/lessons of the words of wisdom that I learned from Fr. Rolheiser. I wanted to share them with her.
Excuse me if you wish to think that I am plagarizing or bathing in the Glory of such wise words of another human. My intent was to bring some solace to a precious spirit whom I respect and obviously has been hurting.
My humble apologies to you and this board that the cheese slid off my cracker and I omitted proper citation.
God bless you, Midnightrider.
Namaste' ~
Sammy
Frequently, I post messages that Fr. Rolheiser has written and more oft than not, give credit where credit is due. The mere fact that it was very late for me last night when I read Jodi's plea, took me to the thoughts/lessons of the words of wisdom that I learned from Fr. Rolheiser. I wanted to share them with her.
Excuse me if you wish to think that I am plagarizing or bathing in the Glory of such wise words of another human. My intent was to bring some solace to a precious spirit whom I respect and obviously has been hurting.
My humble apologies to you and this board that the cheese slid off my cracker and I omitted proper citation.
God bless you, Midnightrider.
Namaste' ~
Sammy
I logged on for the first time in awhile and read this. First thread (and last) I looked at. This place saddens me these days.
Gee, I think midnight is afraid someone might steal some of her glory! I guess this bathtub isn't made for two.
Java, honey I can relate. Email me anytime if you want to chat.
Sammy, big hugs to you. I'll eat the cheese even if it landed on the floor.
Peace out. I hope all the sincere, caring people on this site get something positive from your visit here today.
For the rest of the trolls and b******, get a life. Post under your real name.
Gee, I think midnight is afraid someone might steal some of her glory! I guess this bathtub isn't made for two.
Java, honey I can relate. Email me anytime if you want to chat.
Sammy, big hugs to you. I'll eat the cheese even if it landed on the floor.
Peace out. I hope all the sincere, caring people on this site get something positive from your visit here today.
For the rest of the trolls and b******, get a life. Post under your real name.
