Quit And Cannot Feel Like I Did Before

Methamphetamines
1
Help, I am a new mother when I got pregnant with my son I was using meth I began throwing up every time I hit it and quit then found out I was pregnant. The father is the one who got me doing it on a daily basis. When I told him I was pregnant he wanted me to abort but later decided to quit and raise our baby with me. Needless to say this didn't stick after a couple of weeks clean and a three hour move also a ten thousand dollar invenstment by my mother for a fifth wheel for us to live in, his step dad found a broken pipe in the bathroom after Shawn used it. He of course denied smoking any and said he found it in our old stuff and wanted to dispose of it properly. Anyway we believed him half heartedly and the clues that he was using again were found daily. For months I was an addicts girlfriend waiting for him to get home sometimes for days at a time. Until I had my son which he promised to be clean by the time he was born.....well he's probaly given me a hundred deadlines which were extended inevitably. Once I had Chase everything seemed perfect I really didn't give a damn what Shawn did anymore and I stayed away from home visiting my mother alot and enjoying the sheer bliss motherhood brings the wonderfull feeling of knowing your purpose and it gives you unlimited patience and calmness. Well after three months I went home to wait for Shawn to get back from tweeking with his friends this is when I snapped I was so tired of his childish inconsiderate selfish drug addict prickish ways I decided to act out like a child and I drank 1 24 ounce beer which took my ability to make a decent decision away instantly. When he arrived home 12 o'clock at night I was buzzed and pissed of and I told him to break out his f***ing pipe now in anger. He said he didn't have any and I told him he better go get some completely enraged. I then calmed down and told him I would give him the money I just wanted to sober up. What I really wanted was not for him to get some but get me what I was going through what I felt he was putting me through. I wanted him to realize what huge affect this single decision could have on our son and on our family and choose to quit rather than include me in his evil. He knows how much I hate the drug the only other time I did it was with him and everyday we did it together I made sure he knew how miserable I was and tried to make it impossible for him to enjoy his mistress a f****ing glass d***!!!! I kinda figured he knew if I did it again I would make it a miserable experience agian. I tried to use this mentality as leverage.. I also thought I was strong enough to put it down at any time because of my hatred for it. But my pain and hatred for what it has done to me and my family only fuel my use of it. I tried to smoke so much that it would scare Shawn. No reaction from him all he wanted was half of my bag ...this really hurt I could have killed myself numerous times screaming out to him in pain ..repeatedly abusing this drug in a way to kill myself and telling him what I was doing and he would have let me time and time agian....I have so much anger and resentment towards him I can never trust him again I don't think For three moths this went on until finally I left and went home to my mothers it took a couple of weeks for me to get up the nerve to tell my mom... I obviosly had to I was going to need help going into a coma with a five month old depending on you does't work.... It has now been three weeks since I quit I have no intentions or craving to do it ever again but I cannot get rid of this frustrated irritable feeling and get back my wonderful feelings I had with Chase or myself......I am so scared they will never come back...and I hate myself for giving away the most precious gift I've ever been given.. the pure joy that came with motherhood...I was a great mother now I am so impatient ...will it ever come back what have I done..... I knew better I love my son so much and if I don't return to the mother I once was my heart is going to break into a million pieces and I may never let go of my resentment towards shawn....This is something I need to do blame is a horrible thing it is clouding my own recovery I think I just can't help but hurt I can't help but feel so let down by Shawn... I really let my love for him and my need for him to get sober overtake my need to be a good mother my sick love and horrible way of thinking won over my motherly instincts man I sure let myself down and my son down too.... I am crying now about it I think for the first time since I quit... man it hurts...I need to find a way to get strong again and be the mother Chase deserves Please any advice you can give......I am not worried about relapsing I am worried about if I'll ever be the same as I was before... Did I give all the joy in the world away ??? God I hope not because I am doing the right thing now...will I be punished forever???? I know it has only been three weeks but my son needs his mom back and his grandma is running out of energy and patience to keep helping me. I never needed help with him before all of this....I feel like such a failure
2
Have you tried talknig with a doctor? Maybe you might be suffering from depression.

3
No I haven't but I have been thinking about it and probably will I guess I might be trying to do it on my own but I have to think of my son first and suck it up !!! Thank you for your input:)
4
I am not an addict, I am the wife of an addict. I have read alot on cocaine and meth adn apparently doing it destroys some kind of chemical in the brain. I am not a doctor, just someone who has researched becasue I want to understand.

Good lUck

JEnny
5
THank you again , I am not an addict either but I did become addicted my husband is a 13 year addict who has been to prison for manufacturing the drug. Originally I did the drug to try to understand why he chose meth over me. I found out many things. Good and bad if you have any questions in that respect I'll be happy to answer them Obviously you don't want to make the same mistake I did and be a lab rat in your own experiment
6
No thanks!! My husband snorts coke, he is currently in jail now waiting to be sentence to 6-10 months of state jail for theft. I used to ask the question, could he love me, and why he used when he said he hates it, I have stopped asking questions andam moving on with my life. I am leaving the house and everything in it, and am getting an apartment with my 2 kids. I don't need a loser that would pick coke over his family. I still love him, but I don't think I love him enough to hurt any more. I go to meetings everyday, have you thought about going to meetings??

Jenny
7
LOST MOM

I HAVE BEEN DOWN A SIMILAR PATH I ALSO TRIED TO DRUG TO TRY AND UNDERSTAND AND BECAME ADDICTED VERY FAST. I HAVE THREE CHILDREN WHO ARE MY LIFE AND I SOON REALISED EVEN AFTER MY FIRST EXPIERANCE WITH ICE THAT I WAS ON A PATH LEADING TO A DEAD END. MY ADDICTION WAS A SHORT ONE THE LOVE I SHARE FOR MY KIDS IS MUCH GREATER THAN THE POWER OF THE DRUG. HOWEVER I DO FEAR FOR MYSELF IN THE FUTURE AND WHAT IT MAY BRING. THE REASON IT WAS SO EASY FOR ME WAS MY SOURCE WAS REMOVED HE IS IN PRISON FOR TWO YEARS AND SINCE HE HAS BEEN THERE IS TRYING TO BECOME CLEAN HIMSELF BUT I KNOW ONCE HE GETS OUT IT WILL BE TRYING FOR THE BOTH OF US. I ALSO HAVE DAYS WHERE I WANT TO FEEL LIKE I DID BEFORE I FEEL DOWN AND EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME AND JUST FEEL ALMOST A WANT A DESIRE FOR THE WAY I FELT WHEN I WAS HIGH BUT I NOW BETTER AND I THINK ABOUT MY KIDS. I BECAME SHORT TEMPERED WITH THEM AND MEAN ALMOST NEVER ABUSIVE BUT WOULD GET ANGRY OVER STUPID LITTLE THINGS I AM GLAD THAT IN THAT MANNER I HAVE GOTTEN BETTER.
8
J Reese
Glad to hear you are doing better

Jenny
9
I understand Shawn is supposedly getting clean right now Truth is I really don't care anymore I fought that battle too long and now realize it isn't mine to fight. I only hope for him to get clean now for his son. When you are an addict nothing matters you are so self absorbed.. He is a sponge and I refuse to be water any more he cannot absorb me in his problem no matter what love I still may have.
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J Reese how long ago did you quit ? How far into it did you get? how long did it take you to regain yourself???? Sorry about the twenty questions HAHAHA
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Jenny What meetings do you attend. I am very good friends with SHawns mother SHawns father was a heroin addict she stayed with him for 9 years I think it broke her spirit .... Now she has 4 children and her two boys are both meth addicts the boys have the same father the girls a different one only the boys are addicts Johnny the heroin addict's sons I believe we both could benefit from some type of support group...... Thanks again glad to hear your moving on with your life it is a struggle to balance the love,pain and anger with rationality!!!
12
IT HAS BEEN A MONTH SINCE I HAVE QUITE BUT THINKING ABOUT IT IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY. I ONLY USED FOR ABOUT 3MNTHS BUT AT MY WORST IT WAS A 7 DAY BINGE NO FOOD AND NO SLEEP I FREEKED OUT AND STARTED CRYING AT WORK AND THATS WHEN I NEW SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE. THE FIRST TIME I USED WAS SITTING OUTSIDE OF A RESTARAUNT IN MY CAR WITH MY FIANCE. HE WAS GOING TO DO IT ALONE BUT I WAS SO ANGRY THAT WE COULDNT GO OUT JUST ONE NIGHT WITHOUT IT I TOLD HIM I WANTED TO DO IT TO. THEN I GOT SCARED A TRUCKER PULLED UP NEXT TO US AND I STARTED GETTING PARANIOD TELLING MY FIANCE THAT HE COULD SEE WHAT WE WERE DOING. HIS REMARK WAS HE IS PROBABLY DOING IT TO AND HE WAS RIGHT THE GUY KNOCKED ON THE WINDOW AND ASKED FOR A HIT I WAS COMPLETLY FREAKED OUT. SO I WAITED FOR THE GUY TO PURCHASE SOME FROM MY FIANCE AND TAKE A FEW HITS AND THEN I DID. I AM A VERY SHY PERSON BUT I MUST SAY I WASNT AFTER THAT. WE PROCEDED INTO THE RESTAURANT WHERE ALL HIS FRIENDS WERE AND STAYED A COUPLE OF HOURS WHEN WE LEFT I WANTED MORE AND THATS WHEN IT BEGAN THE FIRST TIME WAS 3 DAYS AND 3 NIGHTS SECOND WAS 4 THAN 2 THAN 7 AND THOSE WERE JUST THE TIMES WITH NO FOOD AND NO SLEEP AND I HAVE BEEN TOLD I DIDNT EVEN HAVE A PROBLEM SO I CANT IMAGINE WHERE I WOULD BE KNOW IF HE DIDNT GO TO JAIL. BECAUSE HE WAS FREELY SUPPLYING IT TO ME I THINK HE ENJOYED THE FACT I WASNT ON HIS a** ABOUT IT BACAUSE I HAD FALLEN AS LOW AS HIM. BUT YEAH I HAVE BEEN CLEAN A MNTH AND I STILL STRUGLE TO THIS DAY. I RECENTLY FOUND OUT MY DAUGHTERS DAD'S WIFE IS A DEALER AND I HAVE A NEW CONNECTION BUT I HAVE FAUGHT THE ERGE AND AM DOING GOOD. I HAVE ALSO LOST MOST CONTACT WITH MY FIANCE IF I CAN CALL HIM THAT ANY MORE I DONT KNOW. I DO LOVE HIM VERY MUCH AND HOPE FOR HIS SAKE HE STAYS CLEAN WHEN HE GETS OUT BUT I DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT FOR A WHILE
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I go to Alanon meeting for family of addict and alcoholics.

They have helped me so much in my thoughts about him. I am atartnig to focus on me.

Jenny
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It's funny that a person can have that much control over someone else and so little over themselves. An addiction is the person.... that was the hardest thing for me to understand until I developed enough of an addiction myself. And yes he too was happy to have me doing the drug with him so he could freely use. It kind of hurts to think of all the crud we both probably went threw and the fact we bothed turned to the drug in anger and despair ..... they didn't stop it they didn't care they took advantage of they situation......now they had us, we became one of them. Glad you kept ahold of your morals and contience the fear of losing control scared you enough to know something was wrong here.... it's when we lose that fear we are really in trouble..... I know it takes 18 months for a meth addition to allow you to totally regain yourself So keep that in mind with your fiancee because you may still be talking to the drug and not him!! Hopefully he doesn't get released until he's got the 18 under his belt, not that any of it is a guarantee. P.S. Why does it seem that women keep there contience more than men with a meth addiction that is??? I think that is also why you see women get more strung out and delusional.....they always are trying to quiet there contience and it's like men can turn theirs off... you know??..
15
Good for you Jenny and thanks for still having time to listen and give some good honest feedback
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I HAVE WONDERED THE SAME THING WHY DOES MY BRIAN AND BELIEFS TELL ME ITS WRONG AND ITS KILLING ME BUT HIS DOESNT. AND WHY DONT I OR DIDNT I LISTEN TO MINE BETTER I WOULDNT BE WHERE I AM TODAY. MY FIANCE IS IN ON A EVADING ARREST AND VIOLATION OF PROBATION CHARGE SO HE HAS NO BAIL HE IS THERE FOR 8 WEEKS BEFORE HE GOES TO COURT AND THEN HIS LAWYER IS FIGHTING TO GET HIM INTO A STATE LOCKDOWN DRUG REHAB PROGRAM THAT IS 18 MNTHS HE WOULD DO 6 MNTHS IN THE PEN PRIOR TO THAT. SO HE WILL BE GONE FOR MORE THAN 18MNTHS BUT I STILL HAVE MY DOUBTS THAT HE WILL GET OUT AND USE AGIAN. I JUST HOPE I AM STRONG ENOUGH BY THEN NOT TO USE MYSELF AND WALK OUT ON HIM. I SOMETIMES HAVE THIS AWFUL THOUGHT LIKE MAN I WISH THIS TIME WOULD HURRY I NEED TO USE AND I HAVE EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT HIM NOT BEING SOBER IT WOULDNT BOTHER ME BECAUSE I COULD USE TO. THATS JUST INSANITY RIGHT THERE ITS LIKE AN ANGEL ON ON SHOULDER AND THE DIVEL ON THE OTHER I THANK GOD I KNOW WHATS BEST FOR ME.
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STay strong sweetie I have gone through this once before both times I used it was 3 months till my breaking point when I quit 18 months wasn't quite up this last time only about 13 months I honestly believe every day will get easier. It's is alot harder this time than the first I think partly because I have a lot more responsibility with my 5 1/2 month old and partly because the damage it does to the brain. Fortunately I do not have any urge to use again but I didn't 3 months ago either. THe source of my problem is my need for him to be clean the need for him to love me more than the glass d***. I think I have finally let him go. I have dealers and users all within steps of me and his brother, who uses hourly, lives a mile away. I know I will be okay now as long as he doesn't convince me he is clean and to get back with him.... because I don't think I am strong enough to go through it all again. He would have to be clean for years to even partially convince me.
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ITS GOOD THAT YOU WERE STONG ENOUGH TO LEAVE HIM THATS SOMETHING I HAVENT ACOMPLISHED YET BUT I AM DOING GOOD AT GETTING THAT POINT I DONT WRITE OR TAKE ALL HIS COLLECT CALLS ANYMORE AND THE LAST TIME I WENT TO SEE HIM I TOLD HIM I WOULD ONLY BE ABLE TO VISIT HIM ONCE A MNTH.
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J Reese, good for you. I am so glad that you have realised early on that he cannot run your life. Get on with your life and that of your children.
Good luck to you.
Karen
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OK SO HERE IS AN UPDATE I DIDNT TALK TO HIM FOR THREE DAYS AND WHEN WE DID TALK ON SUNDAY HE INFORMED ME THAT HE HAD BEEN MOVED FROM GENERAL POPULATION INTO A PRIVATE CELL. HE REFUSED TO TAKE SOME TB TEST WAS HIS EXCUSE I MORE LESS THINK HE GOT INTO A FIGHT BUT HE SWEARS HE DIDNT. WE FAUGHT MOST OF THE CONVERSATION I JUST GOT TIRED OF FEELING HOW BAD HE HAD THINGS I TOLD HIM I WAS GOING TO ROB A BANK FOR THE VACATION. OF COURSE I WAS KIDDING BUT GOD I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND IF HE ISNT HAVING TROUBLE WITH CELL MATES THEN HOW BAD CAN IT REALLY BE TO WATCH TV ALL DAY AND PLAY CARDS WHILE I AM OUT HERE MAKING SURE HE HAS MONEY TAKING THE 5$ PHONE CALLS WORKING A FULL TIME JOB GOING TO SCHOOL FULL TIME AND TAKING CARE OF 3 KIDS PLUS COACHING A CHEERLEADING TEAM I AM TIRED. I TOLD HIM I REFUSED TO HALF HIM AS A FORTH CHILD ANYMORE THAT HE WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO s*** FOR HIMSELF. HE IS ALSO TRYING TO GET OUT EARLY AGIAN INSTED OF THE DRUG REHAB I JUST DONT KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE DEALING WITH HIM ANYMORE I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM BUT NOT TO CALL ME IF HE HAD SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME WRITE IT DOWN AND MAIL IT. WE ARE STILL TOGETHOR BUT DEALING WITH HIM ANDTAKING CARE OF HIM HAS BECOME TO MUCH FOR ME.
JENNIFER