My name is Angie and I am an addict. I am addicted to anything that takes me away from reality. The latest run has been dope and coke for me. My problem is that I recognize I have a problem at I've been to treatment facilities. I know what works for me and I have been so use to running away that it's hard for me to stay. I am 27 with two children and it's time for me to grow up. I have a hard time getting my brain to connect with what my heart says. This disease is so powerful and I was a fool to believe I can control my intake. I am slowly on the path to recovery, and the hardest part each day is living with myself. I try to justify my using by blaming my spouse, my kids, it's raining, whatever I told myself the addict in me agreed with whatever excuse I had. Well everyone that truly matters to me is getting sick of my lies, and excuses. Being around recovery since my dad has been clean since I was 15 so I know a little about what works. I learned that alot of my issues stem from the inner child inside going through what mine has been through. It's a matter of accepting that and allowing my higher power to take total control, because when Angie is in control Angie ends up with the same results. That is the insanity part of this disease is that we do the same things and each time we expect different results. I know what it's like to be somewhat sober eventhough the most time I ever had was 21 days. When I had that clean time I felt I wasn't worthy of all the good that was happening to me. Probably because I was so accustomed to sabotaging everything I ever did. I really want that back because I learned a little what life really is about. Being a drug addict is a full time job in itself, and trust me addicts are highly capable of many accomplishments. We lie, manipulate, cheat, steal and were good at that. If only we reversed it into something positive and that's the hard part. CHANGE the only way I've known for the past 13 years was getting high, and to try to convince my mind to do different is very hard. I am tired of the rat race that goes on in my mind every day. So I believe that I have to grow up and sober up. The problem is that I get 2 weeks and then I give up. Anymore I realize that I am giving up on myself why is it so hard to just quit? I am so afraid because everytime I go back and pick up again within 2-3 weeks I am right back to where I started into the deep rat race in my head. If anyone has any suggestions they would greatly be appreciated. I really think this is a cool place to vent what most of us addicts like to surpress. Can anyone relate to anything I wrote?
Hi angie, i am over here from the pain pill forum and just dropped in to say hi. I totally relate to what you are saying. Keep reading and posting, you will find some awesome people on the board. So glad you found this board
take care and hugs
Carol
take care and hugs
Carol
