I met this amazing guy about 2 months ago and we started dating shortly after. I am 32, don't drink or smoke and he is 34 and was smoking when we 1st met but quit shortly after our 1st date and hid his alcohol addiction from me until the last two weeks. He and I have SO much in common to the point that we've joked about it being so weird, in fact I don't think I've ever met a guy I have this much in common with. I've only seen him drink once so I never realized he was an addict. October was a crazy, emotional month for him. He was working 60+ hours a week, ended up getting hurt at work and needing sugary, and ended up with his good friend dying from drinking and driving. He called me and said he thought he needed help and I told him I would be behind him 100%. He said he was going to go to AA so I told him to do whatever he needed to get better. I didn't hear from him for a week and was worried and would send him a few texts a day until yesterday I received a response that said "I promise I'll give him his phone back when he gets out. It should be about another week. He checked himself into rehab." I'm not sure why he didn't tell me that he was going to a facility but I would have been supportive of it. I'm just not sure where that leaves us. I know that dating in the beginning of sobriety is not recommend and am worried that he won't want to see me again. I feel crazy and know no one can really know for sure, but I feel... lost I guess is the right word. I want him to get better but at the same time I don't want him to cut me out. It makes me feel selfish and childish. I guess I just need opinions or ideas on ways I can show him I'm behind him 100%, even if that means we need to stop seeing each other.
Hey girl,
Sorry to hear what you're going through but I have to say it's a good thing this came out right away. I'm going to be really blunt here. Your need to make sure he knows you're 100% behind him is about you, it's not about him. He's not asking you for that, he didn't even tell you he was checking into rehab. This is you getting sucked into wanting to help, wanting to make him better and it's the beginning of a long road of spiralling down into someone else's addiction. We, as the partners of alcoholics or addicts, have this tendency to want to be the cure, to stand by when no one else does to our own detriment, to allow the addiction to be the focal point of our lives. We can't accept that it doesn't come from us, no matter how good our intentions or how deep our love.
The bottom line is that this addiction is his alone to fight. You can decide to stay and subject yourself to the inevitable roller coaster ride that is being with a recovering alcoholic or addict, with all the risks to yourself, the heartache, the worry, the frustration and devastation that that entails....or, considering you've only been together two months, you can decide to do yourself a favor and spare yourself the anguish. I know I come off harsh but you can still get out of this unscathed. Read some of the posts that are on here and think about whether you want this to become your life.
I'm sure this guy is a wonderful person. They all are, when they're not overcome by their addiction. But the fact is that the addiction is a part of who they are. You're young, you don't smoke, you don't drink...same as me. Except I stayed and four years out, I wish I hadn't. I've been to hell and back instead of looking out for me and walking when I saw the first signs. What I'm trying to say is you can't save him. But you're still in time to save yourself.
Best of luck to you.
Sadie
Sorry to hear what you're going through but I have to say it's a good thing this came out right away. I'm going to be really blunt here. Your need to make sure he knows you're 100% behind him is about you, it's not about him. He's not asking you for that, he didn't even tell you he was checking into rehab. This is you getting sucked into wanting to help, wanting to make him better and it's the beginning of a long road of spiralling down into someone else's addiction. We, as the partners of alcoholics or addicts, have this tendency to want to be the cure, to stand by when no one else does to our own detriment, to allow the addiction to be the focal point of our lives. We can't accept that it doesn't come from us, no matter how good our intentions or how deep our love.
The bottom line is that this addiction is his alone to fight. You can decide to stay and subject yourself to the inevitable roller coaster ride that is being with a recovering alcoholic or addict, with all the risks to yourself, the heartache, the worry, the frustration and devastation that that entails....or, considering you've only been together two months, you can decide to do yourself a favor and spare yourself the anguish. I know I come off harsh but you can still get out of this unscathed. Read some of the posts that are on here and think about whether you want this to become your life.
I'm sure this guy is a wonderful person. They all are, when they're not overcome by their addiction. But the fact is that the addiction is a part of who they are. You're young, you don't smoke, you don't drink...same as me. Except I stayed and four years out, I wish I hadn't. I've been to hell and back instead of looking out for me and walking when I saw the first signs. What I'm trying to say is you can't save him. But you're still in time to save yourself.
Best of luck to you.
Sadie
Thank you for your honest response. The truth is, I do know exactly what to expect. I grew up watching my mother fight addiction and go from one bad boyfriend to another my entire childhood. I also realize that it gave me my own mental instability. I am the oldest and have two younger brothers so I was the one who ended up growing up quickly and being, more or less, a mother figure to them and her from the time I was 5. It made me what I call a "fixer". I seem to attract people who have issues (my last ex was severely abused as a child) because I think I can help in some way. I do realize that isn't healthy for me but I can't seem to help myself. My mother did end up getting the help she needed and we have a great relationship now. I know I need to really look at the situation and should probably talk to someone about my own issues.
It's good that you recognize that tendency in yourself. I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough go of it growing up, but that's all the more reason for you to fight not to fall into the same pattern. Going to talk to someone about your issues is a great idea...I've been seeing a therapist for over a year and that's what finally got me to start listening to myself again and, in the end, helped me get out of my relationship with my coke addict boyfriend. I am also still trying to figure out why I always attract needy/addicted/problematic guys (online sex addict, alcoholic, psychopath, coke addict)...You call it being a "fixer", I call it "red cross nurse syndrome" and either way it's so detrimental to us. I wish you the best in trying to sort yourself out so that you can stop trying to fix other people and find your own happiness. And remember, you're not alone.
Take care! Sadie
Take care! Sadie
I hope my reply here is helpful. I do not have the knowledge to make suggestions on dealing with an addicts behavior but will point out one thing. You said you have been dating for two months. You speak as though you have so much in common and have strong feelings for each other. Two months is a short period of time. They say it takes 6 months even a year to really know someone. Honestly some people, it takes even longer. My point is, you barely know this man.
It sounds like he has some support, he is in rehab. Someone has his phone so someone has his back. Let him heal. Move on, focus on you. When he is ready he may reach out to you. But he needs to deal with his addiction.habe fun. You do not need to hVe someone to take care of all the time. Be kind to YOU. :-)
Much luck to you.
It sounds like he has some support, he is in rehab. Someone has his phone so someone has his back. Let him heal. Move on, focus on you. When he is ready he may reach out to you. But he needs to deal with his addiction.habe fun. You do not need to hVe someone to take care of all the time. Be kind to YOU. :-)
Much luck to you.
I have not had or seen this experience with an addict, but I have seen it with relationships when one person was going through a particularly horrific experience, like being denied access to their child after a divorce or dealing with a life-threatening illness. The supporting partner then becomes associated in the "sufferer's" mind forever with that harrowing time, and they eliminate the supporter from their life as part of their own moving on. They simply don't want the reminder of what they had to deal with.
So I agree, let him go. If he wants you, he will call when he's ready. Then you can decide if the relationship is right for you.
So I agree, let him go. If he wants you, he will call when he's ready. Then you can decide if the relationship is right for you.
