I'm Kanoa, and seem to create excuses like I feel like Im going crazy, or dont care to understand whats wrong with me because it really feels so bad, and painful that I just want the pain and confusion to go away. After quitting for 6 months, I started smoking again about a month ago. Im a heavy smoker, and seem to not know when to quit, if it isnt immediately life threating. I did quit, but then I feel addicted to eating, or video games. How do I deal with this addiction head on? I feel like a rare case considering i feel like i can compare myself to every addict. I am so confused when doing simple life tasks because I forget what I was going to do, and get frustrated, then I day dream too. I just cant handle life sometimes, and suicide comes up, high expectations that I know I can meet but seem to be shaken when responsiblity and discipline are most important. Life has become darker day by day and games I play to go out and smoke so my parents dont know have become part of my personality, more than quitting how do I deal and fix my addictive personality???
Kanoa, for those of us who have crossed over the line into addiction, the notion that we can simply quit by sheer will power alone is completely fallacious. For us, our drug of choice, pot in my case, has taken over our thinking and has become our best friend, our greatest comforter, our lover, and our God. To think that we can somehow simply walk away from this, well it takes the mind of an addict to believe it is possible even for a moment.
There is a solution. It is relatively simple but not easy. I will be happy to discuss it with your at length, but first, you need to ask yourself, just how far are you willing to go to get clean and be live free from the insanity of using or wanting to use?
All the best,
August
There is a solution. It is relatively simple but not easy. I will be happy to discuss it with your at length, but first, you need to ask yourself, just how far are you willing to go to get clean and be live free from the insanity of using or wanting to use?
All the best,
August
I am willing to go to any lengths for order in my life, and especially this addiction, it hurts to much to see those closest to me, start to push me away. So, besides my agony, on with whats most important, change, what did you have in mind, ..........
I notice how I tend to have that quick-think I recovered feeling, but I also understand how low of an expectation that is, Im an addict and its going to be the hardest thing to recover and be back in the mainstream. Hard work, dedication, knowing that even when I think its good enough, stop and reflect with patterns in the past, but for now this is different and like change is good. I want your help, please.... I know I need it, and willing to listen. Thank you..........
Noa, the road to recovery is an amazing journey. It begins with admiting what we are and opening ourselves up to be teachable. It sounds to me like you do have the willingness, honesty, and humility to get clean and sober and I will do whatever I can to help you.
It is important to take immediate action, to step outside of our old patterns. I can only relate what worked for me. I was so devastated, so very fragile when I got to this point. It was no longer a question of what I wanted to do. I became willing to listen to suggestions and to accept the guidance and fellowship of those who had gone before me.
I started with an NA meeting. It was really scary to walk into that meeting room alone that first night. When they asked if there were any newcomers, I raised my hand, and said that I was not sure if I belonged there or not, but I really wanted to learn how to get clean.
Then I sat and listened. I heard some things that I really needed to hear, probably the most important of which was that I commit to attending 90 meetings in 90 days. This seemed like an awful lot to someone who was as important as me (funny, despite being at my very bottom I still had the ego and arrogance of an addict). Nonetheless, they told me that I managed to devote at least an hour a day to my drug habit and it was only fair that I devote that much to getting sober by attending meetings. They suggested it so I did it.
They said that I could no longer drink alcohol or any other drugs. That seemed like a drastic step, but they suggested it, so from that moment on, I never took another sip.
They told me to avoid the old faces and the old places. I did so. I told my using friends that I was quiting and those who did not respect my desire to be in a clean environment were kept at a distance. Many did repsect my wishes and many are still friends of mine today. Many others fell by the wayside when their source of supply (me) dried up.
They told me to find a temporary sponsor. Someone raised his hand and offered to serve in that capacity. He spoke to me a few times but was not terribly available to me. But I kept looking and after a few weeks I found someone who was willing to work with me. He was not the perfect sponsor, but then again, I was not the perfect student.
They gave me some literature. At the time my thinking was so jumbled that I could hardly focus on what I was reading, but I read it. I still have that marked up copy of the Big Book, and when I look at the passages that I underlined, it really underscores where I was at back then.
They told me not to get too hung up on the God thing at first and to focus on getting to the meetings. I gladly accepted this advice. Funny, all of those issues resolved themselves in due course.
They told me to collect phone numbers and to use them. That was really hard. Once, I got a number and a fellow agreed to call me the next day and arrange to go to a meeting with me. He never called and I was so upset that I wanted to use. I didn't use. Instead, I went to a meeting alone and learned that recovering drug addicts have lives and that it is my responsibility to pick up the phone.
After a couple of weeks, I started going to a few different meetings. Each time, it was the same horrible scary feeling of walking into a roomful of strangers. Some of the people seemed really rude and I remember being deeply offended at what one person said to me early on (somethign about a drunk-a-log). I was so mad, I nearly went home and used, but I decided that I would not give that jerk power over me. I just decided to keep looking at different meetings.
At about three weeks, I found a meeting that really seemed to fit in terms of my schedule (first thing in the morning). I attended that AA meeting for several days without uttering a word, but finally a young, pretty girl caught up with me as I was hurrying out after the meeting ended. She said something that really hit home: being around the edges of AA is about the most uncomfortable place in the world. She really hit the nail on the head.
The next day, I raised my hand for the first time in that meeting. I said something to the effect that I was desperate--that there were no alternatives left for me, that this had to work. I was on the verge of tears. People started talking to me a little more after that, but to this day, I feel incredibly shy and self conscious in meetings. I often want to leave as soon as they are over because I am afraid no one will want to talk to me. Despite this, I continued with my meetings.
I could keep on going like this, but I think you get the general gist. I'll stop there for now.
Noa, think about what I have written and decide what action you are going to take today to get sober. Write it down, carry it with yuu. If you have an urge to smoke, get on here and write. I will be candid with you, I do not respond when I get a sense that the person writing has already gotten high. The time to work on getting clean is while you are straight. Let me know how this day, Saturday, March 12, 2005 goes. I'll be around and I'll write back if I see a note from you.
Good luck.
August
It is important to take immediate action, to step outside of our old patterns. I can only relate what worked for me. I was so devastated, so very fragile when I got to this point. It was no longer a question of what I wanted to do. I became willing to listen to suggestions and to accept the guidance and fellowship of those who had gone before me.
I started with an NA meeting. It was really scary to walk into that meeting room alone that first night. When they asked if there were any newcomers, I raised my hand, and said that I was not sure if I belonged there or not, but I really wanted to learn how to get clean.
Then I sat and listened. I heard some things that I really needed to hear, probably the most important of which was that I commit to attending 90 meetings in 90 days. This seemed like an awful lot to someone who was as important as me (funny, despite being at my very bottom I still had the ego and arrogance of an addict). Nonetheless, they told me that I managed to devote at least an hour a day to my drug habit and it was only fair that I devote that much to getting sober by attending meetings. They suggested it so I did it.
They said that I could no longer drink alcohol or any other drugs. That seemed like a drastic step, but they suggested it, so from that moment on, I never took another sip.
They told me to avoid the old faces and the old places. I did so. I told my using friends that I was quiting and those who did not respect my desire to be in a clean environment were kept at a distance. Many did repsect my wishes and many are still friends of mine today. Many others fell by the wayside when their source of supply (me) dried up.
They told me to find a temporary sponsor. Someone raised his hand and offered to serve in that capacity. He spoke to me a few times but was not terribly available to me. But I kept looking and after a few weeks I found someone who was willing to work with me. He was not the perfect sponsor, but then again, I was not the perfect student.
They gave me some literature. At the time my thinking was so jumbled that I could hardly focus on what I was reading, but I read it. I still have that marked up copy of the Big Book, and when I look at the passages that I underlined, it really underscores where I was at back then.
They told me not to get too hung up on the God thing at first and to focus on getting to the meetings. I gladly accepted this advice. Funny, all of those issues resolved themselves in due course.
They told me to collect phone numbers and to use them. That was really hard. Once, I got a number and a fellow agreed to call me the next day and arrange to go to a meeting with me. He never called and I was so upset that I wanted to use. I didn't use. Instead, I went to a meeting alone and learned that recovering drug addicts have lives and that it is my responsibility to pick up the phone.
After a couple of weeks, I started going to a few different meetings. Each time, it was the same horrible scary feeling of walking into a roomful of strangers. Some of the people seemed really rude and I remember being deeply offended at what one person said to me early on (somethign about a drunk-a-log). I was so mad, I nearly went home and used, but I decided that I would not give that jerk power over me. I just decided to keep looking at different meetings.
At about three weeks, I found a meeting that really seemed to fit in terms of my schedule (first thing in the morning). I attended that AA meeting for several days without uttering a word, but finally a young, pretty girl caught up with me as I was hurrying out after the meeting ended. She said something that really hit home: being around the edges of AA is about the most uncomfortable place in the world. She really hit the nail on the head.
The next day, I raised my hand for the first time in that meeting. I said something to the effect that I was desperate--that there were no alternatives left for me, that this had to work. I was on the verge of tears. People started talking to me a little more after that, but to this day, I feel incredibly shy and self conscious in meetings. I often want to leave as soon as they are over because I am afraid no one will want to talk to me. Despite this, I continued with my meetings.
I could keep on going like this, but I think you get the general gist. I'll stop there for now.
Noa, think about what I have written and decide what action you are going to take today to get sober. Write it down, carry it with yuu. If you have an urge to smoke, get on here and write. I will be candid with you, I do not respond when I get a sense that the person writing has already gotten high. The time to work on getting clean is while you are straight. Let me know how this day, Saturday, March 12, 2005 goes. I'll be around and I'll write back if I see a note from you.
Good luck.
August
I think NA, is something I really need to take up, because I had gone to a boarding school, Rocky Mountain Academy at 16 years of age and it helped so much. I had left the school in tune with reality, and all of my surroundings, I thought so highly of myself. I got back into society, being that the boarding school is in the boonies, yet peers included Intel's V.P.s son, and many other amazing and troubled people. I told myself whatever, I dont need to be this or that way. I became careless and till today feel careless way to often, to the point where I push good things away even when I dont know it, but I do realize it after. So, since I left RMA, and told myself living is whatever because its so easy for me to be manipulative and be popular, its like thats all I cared about, I then started to slack off in classes, began to let myself smoke pot because I thought i was so cool.
Saturday, I woke up with uncertainty about myself, but brushed it off. I didn't smoke thought, and made sure that I keep myself on a short leash. I cut down a banana stump still wondering why im down, then as the day went on tried to show my dad that I really want to change, and I care. The whole day seemed to be twisted from the fact that i did work around the house, because we have an acre and a half of land and Im kind of a clam, and didnt express myself but did get painting part of the garage done along with caulking. I struggled alot all day, and really expected too much from myself all day. I also noticed how you said arrogance and ego stayed with you, I felt that all day, like every time my parents would talk to me and made a mistake my ego would take effect, no Id say its my uncertanty thats the problem and start to get down then try not to think about it. Well I got to the point where I didnt know what to do with myself, and my dad suggested going to the beach, I really didnt want to, but went anyway and felt like I let alot of my pain out on the waves, especially since I had the waves to myself. By the way I surf, from Oahu, and really wonder how sometimes how I have the right, room, or space to pity myself, but I coudlnt wait to hear from you, and take your advice to heart. Im gonna watch Ray, so till later....
Saturday, I woke up with uncertainty about myself, but brushed it off. I didn't smoke thought, and made sure that I keep myself on a short leash. I cut down a banana stump still wondering why im down, then as the day went on tried to show my dad that I really want to change, and I care. The whole day seemed to be twisted from the fact that i did work around the house, because we have an acre and a half of land and Im kind of a clam, and didnt express myself but did get painting part of the garage done along with caulking. I struggled alot all day, and really expected too much from myself all day. I also noticed how you said arrogance and ego stayed with you, I felt that all day, like every time my parents would talk to me and made a mistake my ego would take effect, no Id say its my uncertanty thats the problem and start to get down then try not to think about it. Well I got to the point where I didnt know what to do with myself, and my dad suggested going to the beach, I really didnt want to, but went anyway and felt like I let alot of my pain out on the waves, especially since I had the waves to myself. By the way I surf, from Oahu, and really wonder how sometimes how I have the right, room, or space to pity myself, but I coudlnt wait to hear from you, and take your advice to heart. Im gonna watch Ray, so till later....
Kanoa, my guess is that if you check out some meetings--AA and NA--same program, different culture, eventually you will meet some guys that you can surf with and hang out with. As an added bonus, your parents will be delighted when these guys come around.
It does not happen immediately. As I wrote in my last post, in the beginning, it is a struggle to work into the culture of the 12 Step community, just like starting in a new school, for example. In time, however, you of a similar age and mindset will gravitate toward one another, and good friendships often result.
For example, when I first got clean, I was really into travelling around the country attending Grateful Dead concerts. After 9 months in recovery, I met some guys in the Bay Area and the five of us became very good friends. Well, Garcia is long gone, but my friendships with those 4 guys is still going on strong a decade and a half later.
Likewise, I got into white water kayaking when I had a couple of years clean, and met some great guys who were not into smoking and hard partying, but who were way, way into intense extreme whitewater--just the way I liked it.
Later on, I got into rock climbing which is also a very tough community to break into. A premier rock climber remebered me from a meeting and took me and one of my buddys under his wing, took us out on a lot of our first ascents.
At every stage of my life, I have been amazed at the quality of friendship I have develioped, and it all started because I stuck with it during those early months.
Hang in there. Write back and tell me what your specific tangible plans are for staying clean today.
August
It does not happen immediately. As I wrote in my last post, in the beginning, it is a struggle to work into the culture of the 12 Step community, just like starting in a new school, for example. In time, however, you of a similar age and mindset will gravitate toward one another, and good friendships often result.
For example, when I first got clean, I was really into travelling around the country attending Grateful Dead concerts. After 9 months in recovery, I met some guys in the Bay Area and the five of us became very good friends. Well, Garcia is long gone, but my friendships with those 4 guys is still going on strong a decade and a half later.
Likewise, I got into white water kayaking when I had a couple of years clean, and met some great guys who were not into smoking and hard partying, but who were way, way into intense extreme whitewater--just the way I liked it.
Later on, I got into rock climbing which is also a very tough community to break into. A premier rock climber remebered me from a meeting and took me and one of my buddys under his wing, took us out on a lot of our first ascents.
At every stage of my life, I have been amazed at the quality of friendship I have develioped, and it all started because I stuck with it during those early months.
Hang in there. Write back and tell me what your specific tangible plans are for staying clean today.
August
I plan to stay close to home and help clean the garage. Is it akward to create a bubble like this to stay clean? Well, today Im going to try play tennis with Mark, my friend from high school, he is a clean and very good friend. I have few friends that don't smoke, so Mark is a good way to start my rehabilitation and new lifestyle. I was contemplating, intensity at the start is the best way to keep me focused and make things easier in the long run. Till then........
Kanoa, I hope you have a good day and a clean one. Why don't you check in with me tomorrow and let me know how you are doing?
August
August
Today, March 14 I have an appointment, as soon as I started writing he called, a psychiatrist, so he can help me understand my addiction and recovery. I feel less-motivated but knowing that writing to you is one step, and knowing to keep a positive mind set is just the beginning. I am clean and wont use, I just cant handle marijuana, and at times facing reality. I feel like facts are just hitting me and its overwhelming, worst of all I tend to detatch from the situation and start to think about what I should be doing. That is becoming part of my reality that scares me and tends to contribute to my carelessness. I have been quick to get up these past couple of days and feel that, then anxiety roles over me and thats how I know I get overwhelmed.
Supposedly, insanity is when you loose full touch with reality, and before, Id use, but for now, I just need to keep a positive but strong outlook on knowing things will get better. I chose to write my mind, and just say what I thought right now, so if it is shaky its because Im trying something new. Do you think that if I write like this, its better or just confusing for you??? How is your sobriety and AA/NA going?
Supposedly, insanity is when you loose full touch with reality, and before, Id use, but for now, I just need to keep a positive but strong outlook on knowing things will get better. I chose to write my mind, and just say what I thought right now, so if it is shaky its because Im trying something new. Do you think that if I write like this, its better or just confusing for you??? How is your sobriety and AA/NA going?
Hey Kanoa, congratulations on making yet another day clean! In choosing to come on this board and write about your feelings instead of using, you are taking positive action toward your recovery. Your writing is fine, and I understand exactly what you are going through. I went through it myself.
I know this sounds kind of trite, but if you stay clean long enough, your brain will start to adjust and that sense of free-floating anxiety will start to diminish. If you cave, however, you will have to go through all the discomfort again the next time you try to quit. I used to think of getting clean as an obstacle course and no matter how hard it got, I decided that I did not want to go back to the beginning and run the entire thing again.
I think it is a great idea to talk to a mental health professional about this. The medical community varies greatly regarding addiction issues, but they seem to be getting more informed. I would not have made it into AA had it not been for the help of an excellent psychologist. You should count yourself as very lucky that you have the resources to take advantage of this.
Bear in mind that your counselor cannot help you unless you are completely honest with him. For me that is difficult, in that it takes me quite a while to trust anyone. If you hang around here long enough though, you will hear plenty of stories about people who say that shrinks do not help. What they usually fail to mention is that they were not honest with them, which doomed the process to failure.
As for struggling with dealing with reality, we refer to that as dealing with life on lifes terms. Your counselor can help you learn some tools for coping with reality. This is also what they teach in 12 Step meetings.
Most of us that have fallen into drug abuse have a lot of trouble coping with this stressful world we live in. I assume that you are still fairly young and I think it is a very difficult time to come of age. However, you are probably nearing an age where you will have to make decisions that will impact the rest of your life, so this is the absolute worst time to hide in a cloud of smoke.
Thanks for asking about my sobriety. It is fine today, thanks. One of the things that I do to remind myself of what I am and where I come from is to get on this board and try to help others. I have learned that when I am showing concern for others, my own troubles seem less worrisome. Being sober is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hope one day you are able to say the same thing.
I hope you will check in with me tomorrow and let me know how you are doing.
All the best,
August
I know this sounds kind of trite, but if you stay clean long enough, your brain will start to adjust and that sense of free-floating anxiety will start to diminish. If you cave, however, you will have to go through all the discomfort again the next time you try to quit. I used to think of getting clean as an obstacle course and no matter how hard it got, I decided that I did not want to go back to the beginning and run the entire thing again.
I think it is a great idea to talk to a mental health professional about this. The medical community varies greatly regarding addiction issues, but they seem to be getting more informed. I would not have made it into AA had it not been for the help of an excellent psychologist. You should count yourself as very lucky that you have the resources to take advantage of this.
Bear in mind that your counselor cannot help you unless you are completely honest with him. For me that is difficult, in that it takes me quite a while to trust anyone. If you hang around here long enough though, you will hear plenty of stories about people who say that shrinks do not help. What they usually fail to mention is that they were not honest with them, which doomed the process to failure.
As for struggling with dealing with reality, we refer to that as dealing with life on lifes terms. Your counselor can help you learn some tools for coping with reality. This is also what they teach in 12 Step meetings.
Most of us that have fallen into drug abuse have a lot of trouble coping with this stressful world we live in. I assume that you are still fairly young and I think it is a very difficult time to come of age. However, you are probably nearing an age where you will have to make decisions that will impact the rest of your life, so this is the absolute worst time to hide in a cloud of smoke.
Thanks for asking about my sobriety. It is fine today, thanks. One of the things that I do to remind myself of what I am and where I come from is to get on this board and try to help others. I have learned that when I am showing concern for others, my own troubles seem less worrisome. Being sober is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hope one day you are able to say the same thing.
I hope you will check in with me tomorrow and let me know how you are doing.
All the best,
August
Clean! Yup, about three days, but I need to keep pushing myself. I've kept busy though with painting the garage and telling myself over and over not to worry, knowing i want to get better. I feel really good right now, knowing Ive kept my word and been keeping myself focused the last couple of days, I know I can do better than just focusing, and apply myself responsibliy with intiative.
Im tired, but I wonder what else is their, other than staying clean, and going to NA, like an everyday self-help guide with steps to help me when I do get down.
I'm thankful for your help and listening to my problems. I feel alone at times, because Ive pushed friends away lately by just using them to get me weed, drive for me, or something like that. NA sounds like a community that I already fit into even though its not something to be proud of.
Ill let you know when I get into NA, or I might go to a rehab clinic, take care and keep up, your the reason why people have hope and keep caring. peace....
Im tired, but I wonder what else is their, other than staying clean, and going to NA, like an everyday self-help guide with steps to help me when I do get down.
I'm thankful for your help and listening to my problems. I feel alone at times, because Ive pushed friends away lately by just using them to get me weed, drive for me, or something like that. NA sounds like a community that I already fit into even though its not something to be proud of.
Ill let you know when I get into NA, or I might go to a rehab clinic, take care and keep up, your the reason why people have hope and keep caring. peace....
Noa, check in from time to time and let us know how you are doing. If you have an questions about the recovery process, I am here to help.
August
August
